Sunday, December 26, 2010


Last night as Travis and I layed in bed, emotions came rolling out. 

I missed the normal Christmas with my family because we thought we needed to stay close for this match.  We remembered last Christmas, when I miscarried.  Though we had an amazing time with Trav's family, we still were a family of two.

And I cried.  Chest heaving sobs.  I haven't cried like that in a long time, and I know Travis wasn't expecting it.  I cried myself to sleep with him holding me.

And I woke up with my chest tightened, and a pit in my stomach.  I had a dream that the birthparents had decided to parent.   Not 10 minutes later, Trav walked in the bedroom (he was out in the living room, he wakes up early) and said, "I have a bad feeling they are going to parent, we should just take the pack and play down..."

I was weepy all day, and still kind of am.

People at church, of course, asked how things were going, letting us know they've been praying for us, and every time, I tried to hold back the tears.

At some point, my husband texted the social worker asking about our birth mom and just letting her know she had been on our hearts, and she called while we were at the mall (I know- we're crazy! We had to return something we got for my step daughter and get it in a bigger size).  All he mouthed to me was that it was her calling.  Talk about panic.  I guess the social worker talked to her on Christmas Eve and passed on our well wishes for a happy holiday we had sent.  She was still having contractions but nothing serious, and the last time she talked, everything was still fine.

It made him feel a bit better, but I'm still cautious, and scared.


  1. I can't imagine the agony of waiting you two are going through right now. It slightly reminds me of my worry right now with finding out I'm pregnant, but having experienced 2 m/c's previously. I want to be excited and to think it will work out, but I can't shake the "you know what could happen" away! I'm praying all goes fine, and I'm sure that it will! I can't wait to hear good news! :-)

  2. I don't have any words of wisdom but I wanted to say that you're in my thoughts. I'm keeping everything crossed for you that this works out.

  3. As excited as we all are for you, I can't imagine the fear you have too. Try to keep sane. All of you are in my thoughts!

  4. I was not that great on Christmas either. I cried a ton on Christmas Eve, just one more holiday 'without'. But we must move on at some point. I can appreciate your anxiety with this. Of course you are nervous and scared. You come from a perspective of loss. It's the loss that's causing this. I am wishing you only the best and try to envision your son in your arms...for good. Soon you will breathe again...very soon. And when you are happy and fulfilled with your little family of 3, you will coach me as I go through the same. ;) Hang in're almost there.

  5. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. It must be torture to be so close to what you wish for and have it feel so out of your control. My chest hurt for you just reading this. I'll be praying for you.

  6. I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. It has to be agonizing. Much love and luck!