Dreams

Last night as Travis and I layed in bed, emotions came rolling out. 

I missed the normal Christmas with my family because we thought we needed to stay close for this match.  We remembered last Christmas, when I miscarried.  Though we had an amazing time with Trav's family, we still were a family of two.

And I cried.  Chest heaving sobs.  I haven't cried like that in a long time, and I know Travis wasn't expecting it.  I cried myself to sleep with him holding me.

And I woke up with my chest tightened, and a pit in my stomach.  I had a dream that the birthparents had decided to parent.   Not 10 minutes later, Trav walked in the bedroom (he was out in the living room, he wakes up early) and said, "I have a bad feeling they are going to parent, we should just take the pack and play down..."

I was weepy all day, and still kind of am.

People at church, of course, asked how things were going, letting us know they've been praying for us, and every time, I tried to hold back the tears.

At some point, my husband texted the social worker asking about our birth mom and just letting her know she had been on our hearts, and she called while we were at the mall (I know- we're crazy! We had to return something we got for my step daughter and get it in a bigger size).  All he mouthed to me was that it was her calling.  Talk about panic.  I guess the social worker talked to her on Christmas Eve and passed on our well wishes for a happy holiday we had sent.  She was still having contractions but nothing serious, and the last time she talked, everything was still fine.

It made him feel a bit better, but I'm still cautious, and scared.