Pictureka!

My step daughter got this game for Christmas, and we played it for the first time tonight...

We all had fun.

Except my husband.

Seems that Daddy is a poor sport when his wife and 10 year old daugher are whoppin' him at the game!

If you haven't heard of it, this is what the box is.  There are a few different ways to play, but the goal of the game is to collect cards.  One way to collect cards is by finding the picture of what is on that card.  You have 9 'boards' that you arrange out, and you have to search for one of the drawings....

You laugh- but it's harder then you think!

Also- Today I went in for a scan, and blood work.  Dr. S said that if it came back with 'normal ' (aka: NON pregnant) levels, then we could start this cycle tonight with injections of Bravelle. 

I shot up a few minuets ago.

For the first time, un-prompted, my husband said that he was about done.  He said it was making him sad.  (I know huge emotional breakthrough going on here.... he didn't expound.... just that he was sad.).  He said he can only do one more.  For a moment I panicked, thinking that he was going back on what we had decided, at least the two more cycles before he leaves.... this had to work this time... or it was over.  After talking to him a bit more, he meant one more pregnancy, or these two cycles, whatever comes first.  Then he goes to training, and we will see where we are at in April.

Now that I think about it... what a turn of events.  A year ago (almost exactly), I was crying in our kitchen (in our old house) saying that he didn't give a damn about what I felt, and if he did, he wouldn't be pushing me to take advantage of the testing my doctors wanted to do.  Here we are, with rolls almost reversed, now that we know what is going on, I'm not sure I'm ready to give up.

However, more important to me then having a child is my husband, and I completely understand and respect his decision.  I would rather be madly in love with him, just the two of us, then have a child that destroyed our marriage. 

Is it better?

As we drove to my in-laws house this past week, my husband and I had a conversation.

First, I have to remind any new readers, after my miscarriage last October (the one where we saw the heartbeat and everything...) I was done.  I figured they should just tie my tubes while they were doing the D&C.  Didn't ever want to try again. My husband pushed, just short of insisted, encouraged me to get more of the testing done, since our health insurance would pay for EVERYTHING (no co pay's even.... wanna get in on this great health insurance, give my husband a call!  haha!!!**).  So we I tested, we I got poked, we I had many tears, but in the end, the hurt of loosing our Sea Monkey faded a bit. 

We have tried, and tried... and been somewhat 'successful'.  If you count your success by positive pregnancy tests.  In fact, in our last 3 medicated cycles, I've gotten pregnant. 

However, I don't count a positive test as a success, I need a baby in my arms to feel successful. 

We talked about our 'plan' we are going to embrace.  We will try these next two cycles before he leaves for about 8 weeks of training.  During those 8 weeks, we'll let my body do what it wants, no drugs to keep my cycles regular, nothing....  and then depending on how we feel after that break, we might start up again, or we might just move on.

My husband said something that has stuck with me, "It's pretty bad when you don't get excited anymore when we find out we're pregnant.  We just spend all the time waiting for the other shoe to drop"

How true.

So, then I asked him (and I'll ask all of you too...)  Is it better to KNOW that we can at least get pregnant, even if I haven't been able to carry the babies.  Or would it be tougher to have spent all this time and NEVER seeing a positive test (like a friend I know... ).  We decided it's right along the same line of it's better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all.

Tomorrow we start it all over again.  I go in for a baseline scan (also to make sure they don't see anything out of the ordinary), and blood work (to make sure my HSG is back to 'non pregnant' numbers), and if those two things check out, I start shooting up again. 

** For those of you that don't know, my husband is in the military, which sometimes is a shitty job, but they have kick ass health insurance..... and right now, he's a recruiter for the Air Force, so if you want your husband to get in on the awesome insurance, give him a call! :)  haha!

Christmas Morning

Christmas morning, I woke up snuggled next to Travis.

Christmas morning we woke up to snow... (granted, not a lot, but I think it might have been my first ever white Christmas)

Christmas morning under the tree was filled with presents

Christmas morning the stockings had been filled, and Santa's cookies had been eaten

Christmas morning we had a huge breakfast.

Christmas morning I was with my family

Christmas morning we took a family picture

Twice.

Three times- SUCCESS!!!

Christmas morning was a beautiful start to a wonderful day with my husbands family.

Chirstmas morning I began miscarrying.

Christmas Eve

We are at my in-laws.

Had a great time last night with Trav's Dad and Step Mom, we had steak, I helped make my first Tiramisu, and ended the night with a movie in Thieu AMAZING home theater (literally like a 16 foot screen, (real screen material like at a theater), Blue Ray Player, Bose sound system, 9 recliners.... it's awesome!) while drinking some Fuzzy Peaches (people outside our family normal people might call this drink Fuzzy Navel....).  Ahhh.... bliss.

For that night at least.

But tonight is Christmas Eve, I'm cramping, and really just want to go home.

I want to cry, but I don't want to ruin everyone else's night, so I just sit here quietly, afraid that if I talk much, I won't be able to hold the tears back. 

So, for now, I just drink my wine....




We went to the ER on Tuesday (with a follow up with my doctor on Wednesday)  I was cramping really funny, not like the 5 other times.... I hadn't eaten much all day, and just felt off.  A girlfriend of mine is a nurse, and thought that I might have a tubal.  Their ultrasound was inconclusive.  I go back to my doctors office again next week for an ultrasound and blood draw again.  Cramp's are still acting weird, usually I cramp bad, really bad, and start bleeding within an hour or two... still nothing, but uncomfortable crams, no spotting yet. 

Is it pathetic that when I was talking to the ER doctor I said "All the other times, it hasn't been like this, this time it's different".  Really pathetic that I've miscarried often enough to know what is 'normal' for my body and what is not. 

Beta Draw #4

Just got the results back from my beta this morning.... it went up a whopping 4 points to 49.  So needless to say, its not a vanishing twin, they even said its not ectopic (which were our best and worst case scenarios).  They told me to stop the progesterone (because it's falsely helping to sustain the pregnancy) and Lovonox and to come back in for another blood draw a week after I start bleeding. 

So, now the big question we will be pondering is do I stop the progesterone now, and begin miscarrying over Christmas, or do I put it off so I can try to enjoy the holiday?

The only problem is, we are heading into a spring season that Travs will be gone, and we can probably get 2 more cycles between now and then (barely), but if I put it off for a while, that will delay the next blood draw, which will delay the next cycle, which will not give us a chance to do two before he goes.  (Damn you military, you're messing up my 'baby making timeline'!!!)

I guess we'll have a lot to talk about tonight when he gets home, to figure out if tonight I shove that nice little tablet up my you-know-what, or if I get to enjoy waking up tomorrow without running to the bathroom before the progesterone goop comes dripping out! haha!  I know that is way to much info, but all my infertility ladies know EXACTLY what I'm talking about!!!

Thanks for all your support (especially those of you that stopped by from LFCA!).  It really does mean more then you know.

15 percent

I'm hoping that I'm in that 15 %.  Because only 85% of women have betas that double ever 48 hours.  If I'm not in that 15%, there are only a few other options... that I see at least

Facts:
1st Beta- 25
2nd Beta-46
3rd Beta-46

Option A:
It's a tubal pregnancy.  No best case, worst case, just bad and worse.  Bad is that I'll loose the pregnancy, worse is that I might loose a tube along with it.

Option B:
We had a twin pregnancy.  This was a 'twin month', and maybe the betas were split, and then one stopped growing.
1st beta: 13 baby a, 12 baby b
2nd beta: 23 baby a, 23 baby b
3rd beta: 46 baby a, baby b 'gone'


My doctor told me to continue all my meds, so I have been, and I didn't drink champagne on my anniversary (though I did enjoy the 'never frozen' halibut, and Trav's duck).  I go back in on Tuesday to get my new levels... I'm not sure what else will go on at that appointment.

I hate to be bitter, and I really am not horribly right now (surprisingly), but I would like to know... yes this is a viable pregnancy still, or no, we just need to wait for your body to miscarry.  I hate this in between stuff.

And, we are going out of town for Christmas, where the only 'hospital' is what is on the Army Post, which I could go to since I'm a dependent, but who wants to do that.... 

Merry Freaking Christmas

Happy Anniversary Love

Today we celebrate five years.  Five years of love, happiness, tears, and laughs.
I am so happy I am your wife.
There is no place I would rather be.
I thought my life would be different, but I can imagine being any happier.
Except for maybe the day that I make you a daddy!
 

PS- Is it pathetic at all that I have NO good pictures of us posing together, just us.... they were never transferred to my computer, but I know they exist, because I have a huge 11x14 one right outside our bedroom door.... wonder who has that one on file?

100th Post

Holy Cow, in less then 8 months, I've typed 100 posts.  Who knew!  I have to say, this blog, and my blog friends, have supported me, and helped me keep my sanity for this past year or so...

Thank you to all of you!  On to the next hundred... and hopefully by then I'll have a baby... or at least be knocked up!  What's the new tag line?  This year was "two lines in '09".  I'm not nearly creative enough to come up with one for 2010, so help me out a little!

Alone & Numbers

I really hate being alone at night. With Travis working late hours to train the new guy, he's been getting home late, like after 8 most nights.  Starting dinner at eight sucks. 
Ok, over that vent, on to my next one...

What is it with numbers and infertility.  You're whole life revolves around numbers.  Freaking numbers!
First, it starts with what day of your cycle you are on
Then, how many mg of Clomid, or FSH, or whatever drug you are taking
How many days do you take the drug.
Then its all about follicle size (and how many you have if you are doing IVF), to help you plan the trigger.
Ugh, and the ever fateful 'countdown' of 36 hours for your 'date' night (or morning in this cycles case), or IUI.
Once that is done, you wait 2 days to start the LOVELY Lovonox shots and progesterone suppositories.
Then the ever fateful 2ww.... what a hellish two weeks.  If only our vacations seemed to last as long as those damn two weeks, life would be good. 
Do you test, don't you test, how many lines are there?  You're hoping for those beautiful 2 pink lines (or if you use the cheep walmart brand like I do, because otherwise we would go BROKE! two blue lines). 
You think its all over after the two pink lines.  But no, then there are a whole other set of numbers...Beta numbers.

How freaking mind wracking are those.  Some people have a 25, others have 153 at the same dpo.  Is one high, is one low?  Who knows?  The normal is something like 8-400.... really, that's not helpful!  :)  That's like telling your husband you spent something between $8-$400 on clothes, he would like you to be a little more specific (at least mine would... and hopefully on the lesser end, so for him 25 would be great!).

Then its the next countdown to your 2nd beta, and 3rd if needed, and then until your first ultrasound usually in week five to make sure there is a fetal pole and then week six to try to see a heartbeat, and then the beats per minute, and then  the countdown to to the moment when you get to *hopefully* hold your beautiful, amazing, wonderful baby.

I HATE NUMBERS!!! and how mind numbing insane numbers make an infertile like me....

Water

What is up with drinking water... I get that it is good for you, fine, that's why I'm doing it.  But really, it only ever stays in my body, for AT MOST, and hour.  How much good can it do in the hour before I'm running to the bathroom. 

No joke, last night, I went three times in 2 hours... really?!?  And not to mention this was during House. 

Need I say more about being upset!

I guess it's fine when I'm not subbing, but if I sub, I'm out of luck...

Funny Song

I saw this on an article on Yahoo.... it's truly quite funny!

Evan Taubenfeld - Merry Swiftmas (Even Though I Celebrate Chanukah) @ Yahoo! Video

Hope you all get a smile!

More Cookies

Though these are WAY cuter then the ones we made last night.  I LOVE gingerbread ( muffins, cookies, bread all of it is good...).

Well, now is the right time to find it EVERYWHERE!

The type of cookie press we got was the Wilton Cookie Pro Ultra II (doesn't that sound official! Almost like I'm a real baker!)  My Mom got it at Bed, Bath and Beyond, for I think $19.95 (plus those AMAZING 20% off coupons they send out).

Truly worth every penny, it is so easy to do (even my 10 year old step daughter could do it from loading the barrel with dough, to putting it back together and 'clicking' it out on the cookie sheet).  I am already plotting on how I'm going to improve the next batch (as soon as we get these one's eaten!) and I think I'll give them out to some friends.  I have a GREAT recipe for these if you want them (it was my grandmas)... only bad part is that one batch hast 3 sticks of butter.  THREE!!!!  Umm, maybe that's why they are so good!

008- Licence to Bake

My Mom has gotten into the habit of sending us cookie cutters and sprinkles for the holidays.  She of course sent more for Christmas, along with this beauty!

We had a blast making (and eating) them tonight.  It wasn't until the last time we filled up the canister that we thought about using food coloring to color the dye.

 

I was having fun, and 'held up' my assistants!!!

Three lovely ladies, with three trays of yummy cookies!

Along with the cookie press, she sent Aleigha an apron 'because every baker needs one' !  She brought her apron from home that I made her in middle school, so we had to take a picture of all of us.

Dresser- Done

I love when my Mom comes to town, because a BUNCH of projects that I've been putting off seem to get done.

My step daughter is getting a 'room-re do' for Christmas.  In August we got her a bunch of the bedding and such that is always out for the college kids.  She got new curtains, an end table, sheets, rug, comforter, etc.  Her mom and step dad got her a new bed (black sleigh bed), and it was my task to 'refinish' her dresser.  It's a good piece of furniture but had been a bit beat up over the years (I think it was her mom's).  Her whole room is going to be black, purple and pink.  I had sanded it a few weeks ago, but had been putting off painting it. 

It has been SOOO cold here, and so
a) we didn't want to paint in in the freezing garage
b) we weren't completely sure the paint would paint good in the freezing garage

So, we made the kitchen our new work space (thank goodness for heavy duty plastic drop cloths!)  We had spray painted the sides of the drawers and insides, just so there wouldn't be a stark contrast of the black on the outside, and then then light brown sides. 

The finished product!  Now, to just find the right paper to line it, and it will be done!

accomplished

Mom is in town (we've had fun)
We went shopping today (great but exhausting)
Got a bunch of projects done (Travis would be so proud)
Totally.  Utterly. Completely. Exhausted

But before I log off, Happy Birthday to the man I love!  Maybe tomorrow morning I'll have enough energy to write more then that.....

Also- Go give some love and congratulations to Sonja, she saw not one, not two, but FOUR little fluttering heartbeats!!!!

XPOL

I grew up an army brat.




My Dad was in the military for most of my growing up years and it was pretty cool to me as a small child to know that my Dad was a soldier and a hero. He never won any medals and has never talked about any bravery that I know he showed while in the field. But I know without a doubt that my Dad is a hero. Even if only in my eyes.



I remember waking up at night hearing him cry out (whether from nightmares or imagined enemies I'll never know) behind the bedroom door. I remember being half awake half sleeping and hearing him and Mom talk in hushed whispers about the things he experienced at the Border. But even with Mom he never shared the full story of what being a soldier and fighting for your country was like. What it really entailed. How it really effected him.



I also remember clopping around the house in his uniform shirt pretending to be a sargeant-major like he was. I remember my sister and I fighting over whose turn it was to unlace his heavy army boots. I remember the pure joy we felt when we saw him walking down the driveway all dusty and stinky and dirty after a tour at the Border. I remember us hosting the misfits that he took under his wing at our home. I remember how all those boys, the lost ones, the ones whose own parents had given up on them blossomed under my Dad's steely eye.



I cannot ever know for sure the dangers he faced and the fear I'm sure he must have felt at times. But I do remember the good times. I remember how dapper he looked in his uniform, how strong, how handsome.



And when I look at soldiers today, soldiers from whatever nation, from whatever force, I think about how their families must feel about them. And it must be pretty much how I feel about my (now old and long retired) soldier.



With lots of love and pride.
 
 
 
 
 
Do you think you know who my cross polination blogger is???
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
She's an amazing woman!
 
 
 
 
 
She doesn't live in the United States.....
 
 
 
 
 
 
Think you know her????
 
 
 
 
Put your guess in my comment's section, and then go check to see if you are right!
 
Go check her out here!

Drizzley Snow

Really, can snow drizzle?  I know it can fall, it can swirl, it can pile, and it can be thrown, but does it drizzle.  Mr. Weatherman thinks so... but I think he's just scared to call it sleet, because EVERYONE flips out when they hear it. 

Well, I guess good for me, Trav is still out of town, and so I can take his big 'manley man' truck to work if I need to.  Which I hate, because I'm so short, I don't really 'fit' in it.

****Also, tomorrow I'm participating in the great Pross Collinate of 2009, so I won't be writing here, I'll be at another blog in ALI community, and she'll be here!  Try and find me, and I hope you enjoy my 'pollinator'!

Half way done

Anyone who is TTC hates the blasted two week wait.... H-A-T-E-S it.  Well, I'm half way done... and only one more day to keep myself busy and then my mom is in town.  If only she could come to town EVERY 2ww (though hopefully we won't have many more...).  

I'll stay busy by sending off some packages
Paying the bills
Trying to find some more Christmas ideas
Finish Trav's birthday present
Get enrolled for my masters classes.... holy crap, I'm going back to get my masters!!! :)  That's kinda exciting, but a little scary since I have been out of college for almost 5 years. 
However, the best part of going back to school is that its completely free.

Completely.

Free.

FREE

Like I don't have to pay anything....  It's times like these I love the Air Force, and their My CAA program.  If you are a military spouse (or know one), tell them to look it up!  It's amazing!

It's just another Manic Sunday

What a completely crazy day this has been.  Started with Church, then packing to send my husband away for the rest of the week, then a birthday party, and walmart and ended in bliss of a Hardees (Carl's Junior for you Western folks) mushroom thick burger, present wrapping and Brothers & Sisters *double bonus because it was a wedding episode...almost* !

This is what my living room looks like after I wrapped the presents I got today, and this is how it will probably remain, at least as long as my OCD husband is out of town!

And yes, the dog's were about as 'in the way' while I was wrapping the presents, as they were when I was trying to take the picture.

And now for pictures of my incredibly un-sexy stomach.... especially because now it's got the lovely bruises from my Lovonox shots.  The two on my right side are from Thursday (my first day) and Saturday, and the big bruise is from Friday.  I can tell tonight's is probably going to be a doozie because it's already started to bruise.  However, my whole body could be covered in bruises and I wouldn't care if it can help me carry to term! 

Cool Runnings!

*Bonus Points* to whoever got the quote. That movie is one of my childhood favorites. My little brother and I watched it SOOOO many times! If I EVER see it on dvd, it will be mine! Trav has never seen it, so he doesn't understand why I giggle every time it's freezing out, and I say it (like last night...)!

To answer a question that I got (but didn't have an e-mail to write back-sorry!), I started the Lovonox on Thursday, so yes, after I O'd but, I didn't have to do those sucky pee sticks, and wonder, is this line darker then the one yesterday????  I get monitored by ultrasound at least 2-3 times during the fsh injections, so they know where I'm at, and when I'm ready to trigger ....
*Monday night- Trigger
*Wednesday morning - "date" night... or really morning (we're doing this cycle naturally, because getting pregnant doesn't seem to be the problem... )
*Thursday night start the progesterone pills (how fun) and Lovonox shots.

My first one bruised literally less then a pencil eraser width around the injection site.  I thought that was a good sign!  However, my second one, holy hell, it's not pretty!  Hopefully that's going to be the exception, not the rule, but I guess only time will tell.  I took my third one tonight, and nothing yet, but the other bruise didn't show up 'till after lunch the next day so I'll update you tomorrow!

Freezing Date Night

With Trav working so many late nights, I'm SOOO looking forward to him being home tonight. We are going to head downtown for the art walk and try not to freeze our royal rastafarian nay-nay's off... (bonus point if you know what movie that is from!)

I have my first Lovonox bruise, It's not horrible, I've seen much worse, so I guess I have that to be grateful for. Off to shoot up again, and then wait impatiently for my honey to get home!

Lovonox

So tonight was my first night of injections... so far so good.  It burned, but what can I expect really now!  I don't have any sign of bruising yet, and hopefully it stays that way!

I'm truly exhausted.  I finally got all the Thanksgiving stuff packed away in my 'holiday' tubs, and cleaned the house, mostly....

I also feel somewhat torn.  I just found out that a friend of mine will be loosing her baby.  The doctor expects her to start miscarrying sometime this week.  How do I comfort her now that she's part of 'this club' of loss.  I sent her a message, and I know that right now, she probably can't see past grief, but hopefully someday she will see the words of understanding.  Though I've lived through it more times then I wish, I still don't know what to say to help. 

What can you say?

Why is your tail wet?

Quote of the night.... after our psycho cat jumped up on the bed to get his nightly loving from Travis.
 
Backstory on this damn cat....
I picked him out about 4 months after we got married.  I fed him from a bottle, I woke up in the middle of the night to feed him.  I let him sit on my lap on our 2 day, 14 hour trip from New Mexico to Missouri, I loved this cat.... unfortunately, he doesn't love me so much.  I bet I have touched him twice in the last month.  His name is Hunter, and all he is to me is a vet bill, cat food bill, and crap in the litter box....

On the other hand, he loves my husband.  He will jump up on HIS side of the bed and crys till he gets his daily dose of affection.  If I dare roll over to try to pet him, he jumps down.

Shit head.

Anyways, after the day I've had, it was the funniest thing I've heard all day, and I laughed so hard I cried (ya... it's been a rough day). 

So, this will be a short post, as of this morning we are officially in our two week wait.... and I'm hoping I can cover all my bases with some more BMS tonight....

30 posts in 30 days...

Several of my blog-land friends did this for November, and they encouraged me.  I'm going to give it a whirl for December.... we'll see how far I get!

I think that the best way to start off my 30 days is with this beautiful picture:

Betcha wanna know what's in it hunh!!! I was part of an ornament exchange, and Suzy at Not a Fertile Myrtle got me these BE-U-TI-FUL butterflies.  These pictures truly do not do them justice (what can I say, it's the photographer, not the subjects!), but they are gorg!  They sparkle, and I love them.  They are already nestled into my tree.  I couldn't even wait to put them in to show my husband.  He walked in and asked "what's in the box"  "uhhh... nothing, because they are already on the tree!"

Thanks Suzy!!! I love them!