Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Is it better?

As we drove to my in-laws house this past week, my husband and I had a conversation.

First, I have to remind any new readers, after my miscarriage last October (the one where we saw the heartbeat and everything...) I was done.  I figured they should just tie my tubes while they were doing the D&C.  Didn't ever want to try again. My husband pushed, just short of insisted, encouraged me to get more of the testing done, since our health insurance would pay for EVERYTHING (no co pay's even.... wanna get in on this great health insurance, give my husband a call!  haha!!!**).  So we I tested, we I got poked, we I had many tears, but in the end, the hurt of loosing our Sea Monkey faded a bit. 

We have tried, and tried... and been somewhat 'successful'.  If you count your success by positive pregnancy tests.  In fact, in our last 3 medicated cycles, I've gotten pregnant. 

However, I don't count a positive test as a success, I need a baby in my arms to feel successful. 

We talked about our 'plan' we are going to embrace.  We will try these next two cycles before he leaves for about 8 weeks of training.  During those 8 weeks, we'll let my body do what it wants, no drugs to keep my cycles regular, nothing....  and then depending on how we feel after that break, we might start up again, or we might just move on.

My husband said something that has stuck with me, "It's pretty bad when you don't get excited anymore when we find out we're pregnant.  We just spend all the time waiting for the other shoe to drop"

How true.

So, then I asked him (and I'll ask all of you too...)  Is it better to KNOW that we can at least get pregnant, even if I haven't been able to carry the babies.  Or would it be tougher to have spent all this time and NEVER seeing a positive test (like a friend I know... ).  We decided it's right along the same line of it's better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all.

Tomorrow we start it all over again.  I go in for a baseline scan (also to make sure they don't see anything out of the ordinary), and blood work (to make sure my HSG is back to 'non pregnant' numbers), and if those two things check out, I start shooting up again. 

** For those of you that don't know, my husband is in the military, which sometimes is a shitty job, but they have kick ass health insurance..... and right now, he's a recruiter for the Air Force, so if you want your husband to get in on the awesome insurance, give him a call! :)  haha!


  1. Oh Jen. My heart goes out to you.

    I have asked myself that very question, whether it's better to get that positive, only to have it fail. I had 5 negatives with the IUI's, and then 4 positives with IVF. I really don't know. I suppose a positive is at least a step in the right direction. I'm so hoping that one day, very soon, you will get that positive and then see a heartbeat, and then STAY pregnant for the duration.

    It's so scary to keep trying again, because here's this thing that hurts SO much, and here you are doing it to yourself over and over again. It takes guts.

    All I have to say is, last week when I saw the babies squirming on the ultrasound, I left that building and proclaimed that it was worth every bit of pain that we had to endure over the past few years, assuming that it continues to work out, of course.

    Many hugs.

  2. Jenn,
    I've been following your blog for a while and I just want to let you know how sorry I am for your loss.

    As for the question you posed, I think it would be easier for me to not know. I got pregnant in 2003 and miscarried at 6 weeks and every time I hear someone say "At least you can get pregnant" I want to scream.

    Knowing you can physically get pregnant makes you want to keep trying until you're successful. If every IUI and IVF turned out to be negative I think people wouldn't dwell on one particular kind of treatment for too long. I think knowing that you can get pregnant makes it harder emotionally to move on.

  3. I don't know which is worse. I think probably getting pregnant and then losing the baby would be worse. It's all just so awful really. Everything about IF is so heartbreaking.

  4. I don't know which is worse. I think that each are equally painful in a different way (cop-out answer, I know).

    You're right though, it's bad when you get to the point where you aren't excited about being pregnant anymore. DH and I had that same conversation when we were pregnant the last time. I, like you, won't feel successful or relaxed at all until I actually give birth. In an odd way, I'm embracing the time off and dread when I get pregnant againt. The last time and loss was so completely devastating.

    (((HUGS)) Good luck with this cycle.

  5. I think it all depends on the individual. I had 3 early miscarriages but have now reached the stage that although I only had them for a short time, they were in my body. A friend of mine is trying to conceive and it's like every month is a bereavement for the unconceived baby.
    Glad to hear your husband's job gives such good insurance. Even though we are not going to IVF (decision based on emotional toll), all the tests etc are still costing a small fortune but worth every penny if it works out. Breaks my heart when I read of people who can't afford their treatment.
    Good luck with it all in 2010,

  6. Is it better to get a positive or to never get a positive at all? For me, even though the pain of losing 6 out of 8 children (3 to early m/c, 3 to premature birth with only minutes of life on earth) is crushing, I wouldnt give up one second with each of them. The joy of knowing them for even so brief a time tempers my anguish. I know I will hurt forever, but I cant imagine life without them.

    Sending hugs...

  7. It depends on which side of the non-green grass you stand on. Both of them suck. It's not a cop-out because no one will ever no...if you've never had a positive, then you don't know what the loss feels like....if you have gotten pregnant, you don't know what it feels like to never have seen a double line. Both are heartbreaking.

    I certainly wish you had never had to go through this.