tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88641542723583293032024-03-15T18:10:15.779-07:00Got Love, Been Married, now where the hell's the baby carriageI'm adopted, he's in the Air Force, and all we really want is family.
After 8 miscarriages, and one failed adoption, this blog is a journal through infertility, adoption, and now parenthood, now that Isaac has filled our baby carriage, and it's about to be filled again with a surprise, successful (so far) pregnancy!
It's sometimes blunt, sometimes improper, but always real. This is our story.Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.comBlogger484125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-89680126835440069422013-08-15T12:37:00.000-07:002013-08-15T12:37:00.082-07:00Moving<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
When Alex was a little over a month old, we said goodbye to our home. We had to move because of Travis' job. Though we were excited about the change, (and our new home!), it was sad to say goodbye. We had to leave the place we brought both of the boys home to and made so many memories in. It was a gloomy, rainy, day when we had our last kiss in this house. Trav left with the dogs and a full truck a few hours before I finished up the cleaning and loaded up the boys. We went and stayed with my inlaws for over a week while we waited to close on our new home.</div>
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It was a whole cluster getting the new house closed, but we did. Trav went up a few days ahead of me to get started on the cleaning. It was g-r-o-s-s! We had bought a forclosure, that we loved, but it needed some work! Trav cleaned/repaired for 3 days before I joined him with the boys. My Mom flew in, drove with the boys and me, and we joined him. </div>
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This is our first meal as a family at the new house (on the deck... pretty sure between that and the finished basement, what sold Trav on the house!)</div>
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We had friends come up over Labor Day weekend to help us get the house 'liveable'. It need repainted. Needed a dishwasher. Needed doors installed. It needed a lot. </div>
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Isaac helping paint the ceiling.</div>
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We have used over 29 gallons of paint.... and 14 gallons of texture (two boys will be in this house, we needed texture walls! And since we had to repaint everything, why not!)</div>
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The first version of our 'to-do' list. It still exists, but we're currently on page 3....</div>
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How we lived for 3 weeks in the house until new carpet was installed and our household goods delivered. Living with the boys, and whatever we could pack in my car and his truck was a challenge!</div>
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When our household goods got delivered, I had to check off the boxes that have the stickers on it. Isaac helped us take off the stickers...</div>
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Household goods are here! I was unpacking as fast as I could (kitchen stuff) so that we could send the paper/boxes with the movers they left. </div>
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Luckily for us, Alexander was going through a growth spurt during these times, so besides feeding him, he slept. </div>
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We've now been in our new home for 3 months. It's starting to feel like home. We've got *most* of the boxes unpacked, but feels like there is always one more in a closet. Now it's about making it home, getting the boys back into a routine, and hopefully finding some new friends!</div>
Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com94tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-41473954117260924002013-08-14T11:38:00.002-07:002013-08-14T11:38:53.722-07:00So... he's hereWell, Little Bear made his appearance... almost 4 months ago! Since then we have packed up and moved or house, lived with my in laws, rehabbed a foreclosure, and settled into our new life as a family of 4, and a new job for Travis.<br />
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I'll start with the most important piece of this, Little Bear!<br />
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He came 10 day's before my scheduled c-section.<br />
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I'll just leave you with a bunch of pictures of his cuteness!<br />
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Alexander</div>
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April 15, 2013</div>
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2:36am</div>
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In the recovery room with our little guy</div>
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Get to go home, with both my boys. Isaac wanted to be on my lap just like the baby was!</div>
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First night at home</div>
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One of our first days home, Isaac loves crawling into bed in the morning and help 'burp' Alexander.</div>
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From our newborn shoot.</div>
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<br />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-56426236110553885502013-03-20T11:01:00.001-07:002013-03-20T11:04:33.874-07:00UpdatesI looked at my blog, and realized the header was way out of date... six miscarriages seems so long ago, when we're now at 8, and have this surprise, successful pregnancy!<br />
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Well, I'm at 34 weeks. And this baby boy is big, or feels big. Maybe just long. I've had several ribs dislocated by him, and thankfully my doctor is a D.O. and is happy to do minor adjustments to get them back in place. <br />
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I'm feeling a bit more prepared to bring Little Bear home. Because we are moving so soon after his birth (within 2 months), we're not making up a 'room' for him here. He'll stay in our room in a pack and play for that time, and once we get into our new house, we'll get the crib, pick the theme, etc. However, that also means that we don't have any furniture for him yet, or a place to put the things we've gotten ready for his arrival My Mom came into town a few weeks ago, and we pulled out all of Isaac's newborn and 0-3 month clothes, and the cloth diapers that I ordered for him have come in. We found some of the 3 drawer plastic bins that we were able to empty out, and put in our closet with all of Little Bear's things. Now I at least feel like we can bring him home, and be somewhat organized... somewhat!<br />
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Isaac is of course the same amazing little boy he has always been. I'm afraid he has NO idea what is going to happen in just a few short weeks, and I'm treasuring these last weeks that he's my only son, making sure I spend extra time with him, trying to soak up the moments of just the two of us. <br />
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We've had some warmer weather in the past week, so have taken several trips up to our subdivision's park, where he has discovered the joy of the slide.<br />
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Daddy also found a ladybug, at first he wasn't so sure, but once it started crawling on him, he was all smiles!</div>
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We had a maternity shoot from the same photographer that did our family pictures several years ago and Isaac's newborn pictures, I can't wait to see those, and I'll post them when I get them!</div>
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We did another shoot at our CrossFit box with a friend of mine. I wasn't sure how much I would like doing them, because most of them are of me with a bare stomach, and I'm still pretty self conscience about showing that much skin. I'm glad it was with a friend, because she made it a lot of fun, and by the end, I had the confidence to show off my big belly!</div>
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We're still in the process of editing most of them still, but here is one that is my favorite. The chalk handprint's are Travis. </div>
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<br />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-51770730112071485692013-02-06T11:56:00.003-08:002013-02-06T11:56:56.231-08:00DistractionI'm writing this post as a distraction from what I really need to be doing... writing Isaac's birthparents a letter.<br />
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I'm so torn. This is the first letter we don't <b>have </b>to write. Per our agreement before placement, we were only required to write to them 5 times in the first year after placement. Our agency has been less then steller with any kind of contact- going either direction. They basically said, "Well, that's all you have to do". I wrote about it <a href="http://lovemarriagewheresthebabycarriage.blogspot.com/2012/06/relationships.html">here</a>. <br />
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We just aren't ok with not writing anything, but this letter is hard. He's changing so much. He's not a baby anymore... he's becoming a little man. He has lots of words, and expressions, and opinions. He's also going to be a big brother. <br />
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I'm not sure how to write about that. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. It's still surreal. Like things can change any day. But, sending them pictures of our holiday celebrations, there will be no denying that I'm pregnant. Which is fine. I guess. Travis reminded me that they aren't reading the letters in real time anyways, who knows when they'll finally request to see them. That's true. <br />
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But still. It feels awkward, though I'm not sure if we shared that we adopted a second baby would feel any different.<br />
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It's just something I've gotta get over... so I guess I'll just get to writing! But not before I post some of my recent favorite's. <br />
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Isaac 'helping' me put clothes in the dryer. I figure this will come in handy in a few months!</div>
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He is ALL BOY!!!</div>
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On a short day trip, sitting in Daddy's lap while we got gas.</div>
<br />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-87968864733233254332013-01-24T09:32:00.002-08:002013-01-24T09:32:56.042-08:00SurrealI now sit just before the 26 week mark.<br />
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Past viability. We know our babies gender. Yet, it still seems so surreal. I often will catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or window I'm walking by, or look down, and see my growing stomach, and be surprised. If I wake up in the middle of the night, and am still in that 1/2 awake, 1/2 asleep phase, and feel him kick, I'm shocked. <br />
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But then I remember. I'm pregnant. I have a baby growing, moving, inside of me. A healthy one. My body is doing what it's supposed to. Something I never thought it would do. Ever.<br />
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Someone asked me what it is like to be pregnant when we never thought we would be...<br />
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When we decided to stop fertility treatments we took some time to adjust to the reality that we would never have a biological child. We grieved that. We accepted that. We healed, and we began the adoption process.<br />
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Imagine finding out a friend or family member died. You cried. You got angry. You bargained. You got depressed. You finally accepted that they were gone. You moved on with your life, thinking of them occasional but feeling healed. Then, four years later, you're at a function, a wedding or something, and you see them. How can it be? They were gone, but now they are here? How can that be? <br />
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I know that's unlikely- but it's the closest comparison I have. <br />
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Something that you thought had been gone for so long, no longer an option, no longer a dream is very suddenly a reality. That is what this pregnancy is.<br />
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And it has a whole mess of jumbled emotions that go with it. <br />
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<br />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-21776137103981133102013-01-09T15:16:00.003-08:002013-01-09T15:16:22.008-08:0024 Weeks- VabilityThis last Saturday, I hit 24 weeks. For most people who get pregnant easy, have perfect pregnancy's, and simple births, this date means nothing to them. <br />
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For us it was huge. <br />
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Viability. <br />
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We've made it.<br />
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Every week now is just more and more amazing.<br />
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<span style="text-align: start;">We also celebrated New Year's in true 'parenthood' fashion. I watched a movie (thank's pregnancy for making sleep rare!) and woke my husband up at midnight for a kiss! </span></div>
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<br />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-55358904679719280632013-01-09T15:10:00.000-08:002013-01-09T15:10:26.477-08:00Some Updates<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="text-align: start;">I'm still behind on editing.... but here are some of his monthly pictures. It's so easy to take a million pictures, I'm even good at organizing them on my computer. It's weeding through the million to find the best ones that I suck at.</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: start;"> I think I left off at five months, and it's so awesome to see how much he's changed in the last year or so!</span></div>
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-31284285232705875122012-11-28T13:02:00.003-08:002012-11-28T13:03:05.130-08:00Little BearOk, ok, it probably wasn't fair for me to do that last post after months of not posting much, and then not give any details!<br />
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In short, here's the stats on Little Bear:</div>
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Due April 27, 2013</div>
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Currently 18 weeks</div>
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Can feel the Little Bear moving every once in a while</div>
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Am considered very high risk still because of my history</div>
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I have an MFM that I see monthly, and my OB has me on weekly checks</div>
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So far everything looks great, and Little Bear has measured ahead every check</div>
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We know the sex, but aren't revealing it quite yet (haven't on facebook yet either)</div>
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Yes, obviously a very unplanned, but joyous pregnancy! I didn't do treatments at all</div>
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In April, my husband and I started CrossFit. I hated it. I still hate it. But I love it too. After 5 knee surgeries, it was something that I could excel at, sweat some, and see changes in my body. I still have some hardware in my shin from one of the surgeries, and with the new workout routine, aggravated them, causing stress fractures around the screws. The knee surgeon wanted me to have a bone scan done with contrast to confirm exactly which pieces of hardware was causing the problems. </div>
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In August, I was booked for the scan, but since it involved the radioactive dye, they made me take a pregnancy test. Ha! So the drew the blood and sent me to the waiting room where I began reading my book. About half an hour later, I was called back, and started to be escorted to the procedure room, except we passed it and kept walking. I jokingly asked "Am I going to glow in the dark after this?", and the doctor said, "let's talk in my office,". Umm, ok. My next question was "Is my cholesterol high?" (something else they said they were checking). The doctor continued toward his office. I stopped in the hallway, and asked "Am I pregnant". The doctor stopped and said, "Ok, we can talk about it right here in the hallway." </div>
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"Are you fucking kidding me?"</div>
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Nope. He wasn't. He handed me the beta results.</div>
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43</div>
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So newly pregnant at that...</div>
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If you know my story, you know getting pregnant is not the hard part for me, its carrying the baby to term. </div>
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I called my husband when I walked out of the hospital. He asked how the test went, I told him it didn't go. He asked why, I told him i was pregnant. He asked if I was joking.</div>
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Really? Would I joke about something like that. Shock. Disbelief. Holy shit. A call to the RE was in order. But then what? Wait for the other shoe to drop... like it always does? </div>
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We did several more rounds of Beta testing, with each one rising appropriately. At 5 weeks, saw a yolk sack right where it should be. At 7 weeks, saw a beautiful heartbeat. But we've seen a heartbeat before, so we still were cautious. I was seen at the MFM and established as a patient there as well. </div>
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I was seen weekly after that for ultrasounds at the RE's office. When we lost our Sea Monkey, the tissue had started to deteriorate by the time I had my D&C, so they couldn't get much info from the tissue recovered. By being checked weekly, if we lost this baby, we would know sooner, and hopefully get some answers. Each week though, there was still a heartbeat, and appropriate growth. </div>
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At 13 weeks I was sent to my OB. That was a mindfuck. Such a big office, so many people. After coming from my small RE's office that I'd been at for 3 years, with nurses and doctors who cheered with us and cried with us, it was more then I could handle. My husband couldn't come to the appointment, so I went by myself. Between the nurse getting my vitals and the doctor coming in, I had a complete meltdown. I was a sobbing mess when the doctor came in. I'm grateful he had read my chart, and knew my history, and was compassionate to that. </div>
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We talked about my history, my fears, and my anxiety. I told him I understood that I wouldn't be seen as often in this office as my RE, but wondered what anxiety meds they could put me on to help combat the anxiety that I knew was coming. He said that he would rather have me keep coming in weekly then put me on meds. That was something that I could deal with. </div>
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We've had our NT scan at the MFM around 13 weeks, and weekly doppler checks with the nurse at my OB's office. We go tomorrow for the long scan at the MFM tomorrow.</div>
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So far, everything is good. We are blessed. We are still holding our breath. </div>
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At my last OB appointment, we asked when are we 'out of the woods', for most people it's 12 weeks. My husbands thought all along was when we have the baby screaming in the delivery room, we're safe. The doctor chuckled, but then agreed. Though everything looks fine so far, they are going to continue to watch me closely, and celebrate with us in the delivery room.</div>
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We're almost half way there. </div>
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Holy shit. </div>
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-13937495867006858092012-11-28T07:28:00.000-08:002012-11-28T07:28:00.508-08:00Thanksgiving weekThanksgiving week four years ago, I was recovering from a D&C after we lost our Sea Monkey.<div>
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Thanksgiving week three years ago, we were in the middle of a fertility cycle, which would be my sixth pregnancy.</div>
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Thanksgiving week two years ago, we were matched with a little boy due a month later, though the match failed.</div>
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Thanksgiving week a year ago, I was holding Isaac, amazed at how blessed we were.</div>
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Thanksgiving week this year, I felt a baby kick me. From the inside. Our miracle pregnancy.</div>
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-14519908280514826412012-10-03T07:56:00.000-07:002012-10-03T07:56:14.010-07:00Parent.2We threw out the birth control that Mother's Day Sunday, and were ready!<br />
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Being naive in the whole baby making thing, I listened to a friend who told me to have sex 14 days after my cycle started, because that's when I ovulated. Ok. Easy enough, we can do that!<br />
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So we did.<br />
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But what I realize now, is that I truly wasn't ovulating regularly. I had wonky cycles (that I now know is because of PCOS), but didn't think how that would impact getting pregnant at the time.<br />
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We 'tried' all summer, but getting closer to the fall, we found out that my husband would be deployed the next summer. I didn't mind going through the pregnancy without him, but really didn't want him to miss the birth and first months, so we decided to get back on birth control, and just wait until he came back home. <br />
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In October, we waited for my cycle.... and waited... and waited.... They always were off, so 8 weeks between cycles didn't mean much. We found a house, and closed on it in the first week of November. That Friday, I had cramps that knocked me out. I took major pain pills, and it did nothing to them. I even comment to my husband, "I haven't hurt like this since I was miscarrying my baby in college".<br />
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I said that not thinking that I could possibly be miscarrying again...<br />
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For those of you that have gone through a miscarriage, you can tell the difference between the 'discharge' of a cycle, and a miscarriage.<br />
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That afternoon, the first clues started, telling me this was something more. When the baby passed, I knew. We called my primary care physician, told them what was happening, but since we lived 45 minuets away from the base, and it was already 4:00 on a Friday, they told me to 'collect' what I could, and go to the ER.<br />
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The doctors confirmed that I was indeed 6-7 weeks pregnant based on what we were able to collect, and told me to watch my bleeding to make sure I didn't start hemorrhaging. They sent me home with pain pills. My husband called our families to tell them what happened. <br />
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I cried.<br />
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My first opportunity to become a parent with my husband was gone.<br />
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-18787264958935313102012-10-02T12:14:00.003-07:002012-10-02T12:14:59.179-07:00Parent.1When I was little, I knew when I grew up that all I wanted to be was a Mom. Maybe a teacher too, but defiantly a Mom.<br />
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Then I got pregnant in collage. The guy I was dating had turned our 'love' into a very abusive relationship. He 'guessed' he could marry me, since I was knocked up. I embraced what I thought could be my happy little future. But then it crashed. Somewhere between 11-12 weeks, we lost the baby. He was elated. I was devastated. For us, it was the beginning of the end... but that ending drug on for 6 months, taking most of my mental sanity with it. The relationship ended when I the abuse went from verbal/emotional to physical. He backhanded me. I still have the picture in some digital file somewhere on my computer. The bruises and swelling were all I had left of my love story. I dropped all but one of my college classes, got put on academic probation, and tried to come up with a good way to explain it all to my parents. They had no idea that any of it had happened.<br />
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When I married my husband, we talked quite a bit about having a family, but it would be a blended family. I never thought I would be a step mom. I had never dated anyone with children before. In our very short courtship (7 months), we drove out twice to spend time with his family, and I was able to meet his daughter. <br />
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Six months after we got married, we moved 14 hours from the only place that I had ever known as home. This got us within 3 hours of his daughter, which was the goal. We started getting her on long weekends, and then over breaks. She helped pick out a bed spread for her room, and started to get used to our house and our rules. She called me Mom, which was weird, but I went with it.<br />
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Whenever the topic of kids did come up, we always ended up with another puppy. That worked for us. I had been ready to start trying as soon as we said "I Do", but Trav wanted to wait a while. I respected that, even though I knew several women around me planning 'oops' babies... (is that a real world thing, or just a military wife thing). After my experience in collage, I knew that no matter how bad I wanted a child, I wouldn't force that onto him if he wasn't ready. <br />
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Don't get me wrong, there were the occasional whines about "I want a baby", and I did throw each of our dogs birthday party's, complete with goodie bags for the other dogs that came, and our friends kids.<br />
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On Mother's Day of 2007, I got a card from him (which I always did once I was a step mom), but this one was different. The outside said "There are two types of families in this world, the type you are born into, and the one you create". The inside had a simple typed "Happy Mothers Day", and below it, in my husband's handwriting, some of the sweetest word's I've ever read.<br />
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"I think we should try for our own family"<br />
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I was blissfully happy.<br />
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We were going to be parents in no time!<br />
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-26836477797504710492012-07-16T11:32:00.001-07:002012-07-16T11:32:10.051-07:00Sharing with othersTo piggy back off my last post- this will continue with sharing, and how I share my story.<br />
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My husband and I are willing to share our adoption journey with just about anyone who asks. The time period before that, and what led us to adoption isn't shared as often. The only reason for keeping it more private is because of how emotionally exhausting it is. Reliving our miscarriages, testing, surgery, and fertility treatments take's us back to a few very, very hard years.<br />
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A few weeks ago, one of Trav's co workers was talking to him about the adoption (he needed info from her department about how to get the DOD adoption credit). She and her husband are getting ready to start treatments, and since Trav didn't know all the details of what I did, he got her cell phone number, and told her that I'd call. It seemed that every time I thought about it, I knew she was either at work, or it was late in the evening, after Isaac went to bed.<br />
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Last week, I finally had the opportunity to call and talk with her. We had a great conversation, that lasted over an hour. It went over every aspect of my diagnosis, treatment, side affects of fertility drugs (they have done a cycle since Trav talked with her), surgeries, and then onto our process of adoption. Being a military family, I told her of some of the issues that we had to overcome, so that she could be aware of that too.<br />
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It was a great conversation, I'm so glad that we were able to talk with each other. However, at the end of it I was emotionally exhausted. Re-living all the pain took more effort then I thought it would be. I think back to the times we were trudging through it, and I'm surprised how much we did actually go through. Who would have thought I could survive 8 miscarriages, that our marriage could survive it?<br />
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But, it did. We survived, and we're living our happily ever after.<br />
<br />
With a knucklehead little boy. <br />
<br />
<who's almost="" one!=""></who's><br />
<br />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-77209380090971174202012-07-12T21:01:00.002-07:002012-07-12T21:01:48.349-07:00How the journey changesI'm a pretty open gal. I guess you'd kinda have to be to have a blog, at least a public one. Ya, I haven't really told you where I live... you don't know my last name... a girl has to have some secrets. Overall though, I've been pretty open with our journey. <br />
<br />
When I first started this blog, we were at the very beginning of fertility treatments. This blog walked the path of injections, betas, miscarriages, and grief. Once we decided to start the adoption process, I feel like my written journey went from being technical- dose of the injections on what day- to more emotional. I suppose that makes sense. <br />
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When you're in the midst of fertility treatments, there is always an appointment to go to, a drug to take (or more likely-inject), an ultrasound, a blood test. There is always something to do. <br />
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When you adopt, there is a flurry of activity at the beginning of the process, an application to fill out, fingerprinting, gathering birth and wedding certificates, letters of recommendations, assembling your profile. But then, once you turn it all in, you're done. The next part of the process involves a whole lot of waiting. And waiting. And waiting.<br />
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At this point in our journey, this blog changed directions, it became a whole lot more focused on the emotions of things then the 'doing' of things. I guess when you're not 'doing' something, your mind starts to wander.<br />
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That was something I truly didn't expect. I also didn't expect it to affect my husband the way it did. So many times, I found that I couldn't say what I was feeling, but I could type it. After I had written some of the more poignant posts, I would email him the blog before I made it live, so he could see it first. At times he was shocked, sometimes he felt the same way, and other times he was unsure. Unsure I should put those emotions out, open up that much, share the scars, the tears, the raw moments we navigated through on our path.<br />
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We're not at a rest stop on our journey. A place that we can stop and have a picnic and enjoy the blessing we have been given, watching him grow and learn. I'm not sure where this blog will go, but, more then anything, I will always keep it real. <br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">How private are you?</span><br />
<br />
Has that helped or hurt you in your infertility journey and/or grief?<br />
<br />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-83719494640742726212012-07-11T06:16:00.001-07:002012-07-11T06:16:03.106-07:00Totally Him<div><p>This picture is such a perfect representation of Isaac's attitude/ personality right now.  I love it.</p>
<br/><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxZcQSyntOO-_SeH5u98Dd52xWEWbUSoNc9fsowB422qpRAmtjHwEkH53Yo6OR_j5WFQURTnSkdix0TRe2tB0CoMuC2ydMRF5QXBJHVJFElUXUbrvWLVoXfWDbrpf6SebyjOi_dtsiSmIm/' /></div>Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-44211876398834677322012-06-26T19:50:00.002-07:002012-06-26T19:50:39.744-07:00RelationshipsI've struggled writing this post, for many different reasons. It's been sitting under 'drafts' for a while in my mind. <br />
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When we started the adoption process, we chose a semi open status. Once we were matched for the first time, we could see ourselves opening up, even though that match failed. We called our agency, and told them we would like an open adoption. <br />
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Growing up with a completely closed adoption, I had stronger feelings about it then Trav, but we agreed that it would be the best situation for all involved. <br />
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When we were matched with Isaac's birth parents, they preferred a semi open adoption, which we of course respected. The agreement was for us to send updates 1 month after placement, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, and one year out. Our agency requires us to send a copy for both his birth mother and birth father including pictures for both of them. We have been sending the same letter (just addressed differently), and between 15-20 pictures. <br />
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So far, they have not requested any of the letters. Their caseworker last had contact with them in October, and we understand their life situation, and where they are in the grieving process, they aren't ready to request the letters. <br />
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We're coming up on our year mark, so I talked to our agency about what to do once we send in our one year letter. Should we continue with the every three months? Back it off a little and do twice a year? <br />
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To say I was shocked by their answer was an understatement. Basically they told us on the last letter, let them know we are open to a continued relationship when they were, and they should contact us when they are ready.<br />
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Really? That's it. Just be done with it? <br />
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To say I'm not ok with this doesn't even come close. I'm just supposed to stop, to give up? What am I supposed to tell my son. "I tried writing your birth parents, but they never wrote back, so I stopped". I knew that I wouldn't been able to look him in the eye and explain that to him one day when he asks.<br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">If I write 100 letters, and not one of them is replied to, it's ok, because at the end of the day, I'll be able to honestly tell my son, we tried. I wrote the agency back and explained that my husband and I had talked about it, and were not comfortable with stopping communication, so they should continue to expect our letters. </span><br />
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But I'm sure he won't ask, because he will know how much they mean to us, how special they are. We talk about them already. We pray for them. We hope for them. But more then anything, we hold them in our hearts, and love them.<br />
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If anyone hasn't told you yet, adoption is hard. It doesn't get easier after placement. In many ways, it seems so much harder. <br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-81804707687679374092012-03-22T17:29:00.000-07:002012-06-26T17:40:20.110-07:00Working some things outWe've been able to work some things out with the insurance, the doctor they wanted us to go see was able to sneak us in last Friday, and we had surgery set for yesterday. I got a call on Monday saying that they would have to reschedule because he didn't have enough patients to fill up his time slot in the OR. I was so frustrated, I explained that this was the SECOND time that it would be rescheduled, and it wasn't my problem he didn't have enough patients. <br />
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They ended up squeezing us in tomorrow. I think. I'm waiting for them to call and drop him off that list, but it's after 5, so hopefully, that means we're good to go...<br />
<br />
Except, we have had a hellish head cold in our house. First Trav had it, then me, and yesterday Isaac. Last night was rough for him, which was rough for momma. He's run a low grade fever all day, but is still eating fine. If it affects him like it affected us, then today should have been the worst, and tomorrow he'll feel much better. We're crossing our fingers, and just planning on showing up tomorrow. Hopefully it won't stop the surgery. It's so short of a procedure, so I'm hoping it won't. My best friend said that all three of her kids were sick when they had tubes put in... which is why they had tube put in, because they were constantly sick. So, here's hoping!<br />
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Last night as we were getting Isaac ready for bed, he was in the bath and I had a moment. You know, the 'Holy shit, I'm a Mom" moment. They used to happen all the time, when we first brought him home, but he has become so much a part of our life, that they are more infrequent now. <br />
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For so many years, my heart ached for a child. So many prayers were set, so many tears. It seems so unreal that those prayers have been answered. My dream to be a mother had come true.<br />
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There was some talk on Twitter about being at home with babies or working. I honestly thought that after the 60 days that one of us had to stay home with him required by our agency were up, I'd be back to working, at least part time. I had no idea that I would love being at home with him so much. I've enjoyed the routine we've gotten into. <br />
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I feel like in the past few months, my eyes have been opened, to the amazing mothers around me. We all have our own way of doing things. <br />
<br />
Some of us work, some of us don't. <br />
Some of us breast feed, some of us don't.<br />
Some of us co sleep, some of us don't.<br />
Some of us use disposables, some of us cloth diaper.<br />
Some of us us baby food in a jar, some of us make our own.<br />
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But we are all mothers. We all love our children with every fiber of our being. We all are awesome at what WE do for OUR family. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">And I'm blessed to be his mother!</span></div>Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-63183934799766872442012-03-12T22:04:00.000-07:002012-03-12T22:04:38.972-07:00Failure To ThriveWe have officially had this label put on Isaac.<br />
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The doctor told me that she knows it sounds scary, and doesn't mean he's going to shrivel up and blow away, but that instead it will be helpful to get the services and therapy he needs (especially fighting with insurance).<br />
<br />
Speaking of insurance, I'm grateful we have it. However, I'm so dang frustrated! With us being on recruiting duty, there aren't a ton of providers that are 'in network', or the one's in network don't specialize in pediatrics. I feel like I'm constantly tracking down referrals and authorizations. We were finally assigned a case manager, so hopefully she can help smooth the path, and make it easier to get what we need. <br />
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Even though I know he's fine. And that we're doing everything we can for him.. I'm scared. I just want what's best for him, and I want him better. If our insurance would get their shit together, it would be much appreciated!<br />
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We have ear tube surgery this Thursday (he had 4 ear infections in 10 weeks), but its with an out of network provider that somehow got switched from being authorized, to point of service, meaning we have to pay 50% of the surgery. I'm calling tomorrow to see what the total cost would be, to see if we can swing it. It might be better then having to go to an in network provider and waiting a month for the initial appointment then 2-4 weeks for surgery. <br />
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I must say, he still is my happy boy! And because everything is better when I see his smile, I'll let you have some moments of happy too! Some of my favorite recent shots of him!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVOBkNuOutGpXgt4KgK0NxR-ysIxJpb4Qp7xp01bc78xzKcuIEkBnhSaVP9z7prGpDcQmLxo4beM1XP_x9PZp17UjLeJPF62LnQ-0GQjt43UKQic4vBdxrXRE3iNzNvM4jnNo6T4-SLDi9/s1600/2012-02-06+11.55.25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVOBkNuOutGpXgt4KgK0NxR-ysIxJpb4Qp7xp01bc78xzKcuIEkBnhSaVP9z7prGpDcQmLxo4beM1XP_x9PZp17UjLeJPF62LnQ-0GQjt43UKQic4vBdxrXRE3iNzNvM4jnNo6T4-SLDi9/s320/2012-02-06+11.55.25.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-73277317668615716982012-03-08T12:12:00.000-08:002012-03-08T12:12:23.332-08:00Operation Organization!A friend of mine has made it a goal to get through the clutter in her house, and has invited us all to clean and organize along with her! <br />
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</div>To find out more about the project Operation Organization, go check out her post here, and link up!<br />
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<a href="http://ahokieandacav.blogspot.com/2012/02/operation-organization.html">http://ahokieandacav.blogspot.com/2012/02/operation-organization.html</a> <br />
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I'm late... as always... but I'll be doing most of my 'blogging' about it over here, on my<a href="http://5457whisperinghills.blogspot.com/"> 'house' blog</a>! I've uploaded my 'intro' video over there!Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-62058028480097451992012-03-08T12:09:00.000-08:002012-03-08T12:09:11.190-08:00A whole monthWow, I went an entire month without posting... I guess so much has happened since the last time.<br />
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We went to court to get the transfer of custody. We then started the 6 months, and should finalize right before he turns one!!<br />
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We continued to struggle with his eating.<br />
We've gotten referred out to to a pediatric ENT, who will be putting tubes in the next week.<br />
He had an upper GI done, which showed no refulx, and everything else normal, so no answers there.<br />
We will be seeing a feeding therapist at the end of the month to help on that side too.<br />
<br />
He continues to blow us away with the thing's he's doing! He is doing so well sitting up, and loves playing with toys in front of him. <br />
<br />
It's been an interesting and trying month, but we're getting through it, and hopefully within the next month, we'll have some better answers.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjODl6l95DJe_vqGVxUoJ5iW6BYgvXwx9qf1ZP73bjTmfqZGQOj9In4INiNMI8a5ZQX_BlTz9RU6PVJWOeZNq5uJBfExSoHyoIOJKLFUskcdsavaZOEym8f7-auoFKdjPA7K15jZGRYj3ap/s1600/IMG_9211.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjODl6l95DJe_vqGVxUoJ5iW6BYgvXwx9qf1ZP73bjTmfqZGQOj9In4INiNMI8a5ZQX_BlTz9RU6PVJWOeZNq5uJBfExSoHyoIOJKLFUskcdsavaZOEym8f7-auoFKdjPA7K15jZGRYj3ap/s320/IMG_9211.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-67856499424274799602012-01-20T13:44:00.001-08:002012-01-20T13:44:11.237-08:00At the dentist<div><p>So if I have a crown, and am I now a queen! </p>
<br/><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9vmvmhAWoj5surK6Xs0MPVqcKKix8HnO6zpQzn_PaxHAonxZyiLIXNkU6fQOkG01z5jL6u5QEYBH2lugYJrUry4h7nYKssoJvghYpgZPNoe48IqXtBpv2_Q3zZeWwKwUlDpzzrenTqM05/' /></div>Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-88416453439256363352012-01-15T10:01:00.000-08:002012-01-15T11:26:18.325-08:00Kept busy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">Oh my gosh... What a freaking week. I think this picture best explains where we've been.</span> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeujwt5T2w2QL5DPeHfOjGZ9n6TKbfNHcQFxtZbj_ShVz29mq_h4Mp_TKwWG5GM6S0oMemWGnmUoYTKYzpwV3-rfsba7JJ9fzfIJbkxK864sVhxRQLVgssVS8KQpCxuZ4wYSwxHHUN1aDM/s1600/IMG_7557.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeujwt5T2w2QL5DPeHfOjGZ9n6TKbfNHcQFxtZbj_ShVz29mq_h4Mp_TKwWG5GM6S0oMemWGnmUoYTKYzpwV3-rfsba7JJ9fzfIJbkxK864sVhxRQLVgssVS8KQpCxuZ4wYSwxHHUN1aDM/s320/IMG_7557.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">We've been struggling with keeping Isaac eating, and by Tuesday morning, early, we were all miserable. Isaac was up several times that night, and at 5 am, had not eaten in over 12 hours, and hadn't had any wet diapers. We decided not to wait until the doctor was open, and went to the ER. They got us back quickly (unlike the 7 hour wait the week before). They did x-rays and blood work. A few hours later they admitted him. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">It was determined that (even after antibiotics that started on Sunday) his ears had gotten MUCH worse. He also tested positive for RSV.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">They decided not to do a swallow test, becuase after the speech therapist watched him eat (and tried feeding him), they determined that most of the issues had to do with combinations of him being sick, and nothing more. They gave me some tips to help him eat better, sucking out his nose before each feedings, and swaddelign him, to keep him 'less distracted' by his moving body. The goal right now is 24oz/per day. Yesterday we got to 21oz, so we're headed in the right direction. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">We ended up staying 2 nights, and the antibiotic seemed to make such a difference. He was back to my happy baby the morning they released us (Friday). Yesterday, I caught up on all the stuff that had been ignored all week. </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6OgR0dxDZkDQmOS7giNY-qSupMfzpe373FUuBcQK7hHm0hxTjhwYHjOrVPwegEEdgmyvqjmq5CbqmBIbmoFBYBvw0rEOoyWj9VQt4W4UxGQrlXC7IK-SjsNciOm3ngw-yzjV9lplENXe0/s1600/IMG_7582.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6OgR0dxDZkDQmOS7giNY-qSupMfzpe373FUuBcQK7hHm0hxTjhwYHjOrVPwegEEdgmyvqjmq5CbqmBIbmoFBYBvw0rEOoyWj9VQt4W4UxGQrlXC7IK-SjsNciOm3ngw-yzjV9lplENXe0/s320/IMG_7582.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkqe9RY-kvxRZp5G__gf-pxwxbrMVpnidyirvP0wHSzzycIILSUExnc4cgKHjrzaDVgvf-E2SqG87ILcDZiamoPDIvvhY7zlXSDb7Ibi_8qkjaXrRYEqeoBQ_2UZUNzoiFkWmqHwO8imxL/s1600/IMG_7597.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkqe9RY-kvxRZp5G__gf-pxwxbrMVpnidyirvP0wHSzzycIILSUExnc4cgKHjrzaDVgvf-E2SqG87ILcDZiamoPDIvvhY7zlXSDb7Ibi_8qkjaXrRYEqeoBQ_2UZUNzoiFkWmqHwO8imxL/s320/IMG_7597.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">There was a light snow that came in the first night we were there. When Travis came to visit the next morning, he and Isaac stood at the window and watched it fall.</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL2EOSsAfUTQNm3i_UnGmx0vLx4s25XD98ygIOlzbXfEk_aNaFxM8W5YpOP2ZcwBKTmi0fcGnO4Ihj3m-zqpvA8vGa3V_cz9Sx7On6f7_xPxVaPFrGvoLjWeT0kclh3N16puqstKQDCqfh/s1600/IMG_7619.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL2EOSsAfUTQNm3i_UnGmx0vLx4s25XD98ygIOlzbXfEk_aNaFxM8W5YpOP2ZcwBKTmi0fcGnO4Ihj3m-zqpvA8vGa3V_cz9Sx7On6f7_xPxVaPFrGvoLjWeT0kclh3N16puqstKQDCqfh/s320/IMG_7619.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">He has a nervous thing he does, in scratching his head. He'll also do it when he is really upset (crying). With his IV on the top of his head, he grabbed it a couple times. We've figured out that the gloves they make for babies don't work, he can get them off... however, SOCKS work great. My Mom got him these socks for Christmas (because "every baby needs a pair of Santa socks"). He would look at the 'man' on his hands and smile... it was cute!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I'm glad to be home. And I'm looking forward to having my healthy happy baby back.</div>Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-30607213337352297562012-01-08T10:57:00.000-08:002012-01-10T11:05:30.145-08:00Pediatric Urgent CareSo... it's been a long day.<br />
<br />
By 4pm, Isaac had only eaten 8 ounces.<br />
<br />
That's not ok. I'm not ok with that.<br />
<br />
We took him to the pediatric urgent care. <br />
<br />
And they listened.<br />
<br />
They really listened to me.<br />
<br />
They agreed that something was wrong. <br />
<br />
So now we have been told he needs a swallow study and a developmental review.<br />
<br />
I hate that it's taken so long to get what he needs, but I'm happy we're getting somewhere.<br />
<br />
We're calling the doctor tomorrow to get these referrals started on, so we can get him better.Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-30032159059524574352012-01-07T15:47:00.000-08:002012-01-07T15:47:33.645-08:00Saturday MorningOn weekends, if Isaac get's up early, one of us goes and changes him, the other makes the bottle and feeds him. This morning, I changed him, then went and crawled back into bed. Trav kept Isaac in the other room, and about 10am, came back in with him. He brought him in to snuggle.<div><br />
</div><div>There is no better way to spend my Saturday morning then suuggeling with my little guy. I really don't want him to get in the habit of being in our bed, (since it's so hard to break), so I think that we'll keep this as our very limited Saturday morning thing.</div><div><br />
</div><div>But it was awesome!</div><div><br />
</div><div><br />
</div>Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-11933521921098336792012-01-06T21:01:00.000-08:002012-01-06T21:01:54.661-08:0025 OuncesNever would I believe that I could be SO THRILLED about this number, but it's the number of ounces that Isaac ate today!<br />
<br />
He's supposed to be at 30 ounces per day.<br />
<br />
This is the closest we've gotten in weeks. We still had to fight him, and there still was 45 minuet feeding sessions.<br />
<br />
BUT<br />
<br />
HE<br />
<br />
ATE<br />
<br />
25<br />
<br />
OUNCES<br />
<br />
<br />
!!!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
And that's a great way to start the weekend!<br />
<br />
PS: It's crazy warm here today, like 69*, we actually put a jacket on Isaac and took a walk around the neighborhood. He sat in his stroller for the first time!! I took a picture, I'll try to upload it tomorrow. So cute!Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864154272358329303.post-58839984976004013382012-01-05T22:35:00.000-08:002012-01-06T21:04:59.552-08:00Hard dayToday was a really hard day with Isaac's eating. We got close to 20 ounces, but still not close to 30 ounces.<br />
<br />
He also didn't sleep well, and woke up about every 45 minuets, which meant that I never could get to far into any one project I needed to get done.<br />
<br />
By the time Trav came home from work, I told him I resigned from being Mom for the evening. I'm so blessed that he happily took over 100% of care for Isaac, and I got to work out in the bedroom and even got a backrub before bed, and generally recharge!<br />
<br />
I love that guy. Well, both my guys, even if today was rough!Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05749642916899596407noreply@blogger.com2