W- Wedding

Since there seems to be a lot of talk about another wedding coming up... I was thinking about my wedding.

I had always dreamed about getting married in my parents back yard.  They have a gorgeous yard, with treas, and a huge (like 14 foot tall) rock fountain.  Perfect for a spring or summer wedding.  Our wedding was just about perfect, just how I imagined.  The only difference from my dreams was that instead of being on a warm evening, with summertime blooms all around us, it was in the middle of December, in a heated tent.

Because of the training Travis would have to do for the Air Force, we didn't know when he was leaving, so we moved our original date in late spring to mid-December.  Looking back, it was good, because he was gone the original weekend we had picked out. 

Seven months to the day after I met him (we started dating a few weeks later), I married him.

I got to get ready in my parents master bedroom suite

(seriously huge- I never knew how lucky they were until I moved in our own houses!)

There was plates of biscochitos (the New Mexico state cookie) and my

Mom's hot cider for the guests to eat before the ceremony

We took our pictures in front of the fireplace in the

living room (the only picture of us with my bouquet). 

We signed our marriage certificate next to the pool table I grew up playing on.

After all the guests left, we opened presents in the formal dining room (the took the table out) surrounded by our family that had come in from the wedding (and obviously next to my parents Christmas tree!)

I would not have changed anything!  (well maybe more pictures with my bouquet!)

please tell me I'm not the only one who has watched the TLC 'Royal Wedding' shows, and the lifetime movie "Will and Kate" and is pissed because they have to work Friday morning.... I laugh at myself!  I figure one day I'll have a little girl ask if I remember when the King got married, and will be able to say yes!  Thank goodness for DVR!

V- Valentines Day



Valentines day.  I HATE it.  I always have.  My husband doesn't completely get it.  After going all out our first one together... I told him never to do it again. 

He didn't understand.  I would forever have a valentine in him.

Ya, still not loving it.

I don't know why, but I'm sure I will forever dislike this day.  I'm weird.  I know.

Never saw this movie- but I'm sure that I would love it!

U- Unbelievable

I look back over the past (almost) seven years, and think of how unbelievable they have been.

From the best of times to the worst of times. 

It's unbelievable that we have been married six years.

It's unbelievable that we came thisclose to having our dream come true.

It's unbelievable that four months later, we are exactly where we started.  Just the two of us.  With a whole heap of heartbreak.

It's unbelievable the FRIENDSHIPS that have grown, and the FRIENDS who have supported us.

T- Testing

Testing.  We've all done it.  Both the peeing on a stick, as well as a needle to your arm testing.

In 2008, when we lost our 'big' pregnancy, they wanted to do all sorts of testing.  It was our second loss but my fourth miscarriage.  Apparently that raises all the red flags! I was really emotional, and not thinking straight (lets face it, beyond trying to figure out how much vodka I'd need to get me through the weekend I was pretty useless!).  I really, really didn't want to go through all the testing.  Travis made a good point:  Because of the recent loss, our insurance would pay for ALL the testing.  Anything the doctor ordered.  Zero Co-pay.  What he didn't understand at the time is that it's not the money, or really even the process of getting poked or prodded (since all the testing was done on ME). 

 It's so emotional. 

What if they find something.  What if they don't.

In my case they did.  The D&C caused scaring, and so I went in to get that taken care of.  After two more losses with a new RE, he ordered more testing.

MTHFR.

Great... so after doing 12 days of FSH, I got a day off and then started to inject blood thinners. 

But wait, that didn't work.  I sill miscarried.

So what's the point of the testing.  We still know nothing, though we've tried to solve several things. 

After our failed match, we got to talking.  About more testing.  Wondering what else there could be.  It took some time, but I gave in.  I made an appointment.  My doctor knows we're not going to be doing the ultrasounds, the injections, the cycle day blood work.  But we're also not going to prevent.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I'm not sure that I want to have to get to the point of pulling out a stick to pee on it again.  I have a whole bottom drawer of my bathroom full of positive tests. 

I can't seem to throw them away. 

They are reminders that occasionally, if only for a few days, my body was doing what it was meant to do.

But, it also reminds me that no matter how many positive tests I have stored away, none of them led me to a baby in my arms.

Bust a Myth

This week starts National Infertility Awareness week.  Resolve.org asking us to help bust a myth. 

Infertility is a disease.  Just like heart disease or lung disease.

It has a group of medical codes all it's own.  I've taken this list from a fellow blogger, A little Blog about Big Infertility!  She had several of the same as me.

634) Spontaneous abortion (i/e miscarriage)

(640.0) Threatened abortion
(646.3) Habitual aborter
(649.5) Spotting complicating pregnancy
773.0- Rh- (Rh factor incompatibility
628.9- Infertility female of unspecified origin
256.6- PCOS
(256) Ovarian dysfunction

I also need to add endometriosis, as well as MTHFR. 

It's a list that defines me, and my inability to have a child.

S- Strawberry

I love strawberries.  But only the real thing.  Anything flavored like ice cream, soda, lip gloss- yuck! 

I've eaten a whole quart just today....

R- Rain

Rain Rain, go away!!!

Seriously, we've not had more then 5 hours of clear sky since Friday!!! However, on this rainy Monday, it's been nice to be cozy at home hearing the rumbling thunder. 

Q- Queen

I'm so blessed that I married a man who treats me like a queen!

P- Panda Express

I (again) asked Trav what I should do my "P" post about... he suggested picnics, and parties... but I do neither, so there wouldn't be much to write about.  Then he said procrastination, which was good, but I'll write about it later.

(are you laughing, because that was kinda a little joke...)

So I google imaged for a 'p' to start my post, and saw the above one with a panda.  And it hit me.

This might be the one single (non friend) thing I miss the most about where we used to live.

We moved to this town and were shocked at how crappy the Chinese food is.  Serioulsy, we have a list of the places we've been, and will NEVER go back to.  Ever.  There are a few we've done a couple times, but our 'favorite' (and I say that LOOSELY) we've still only gone to four or five times in two years.

It's seriously lacking... and it's killing us.  We love Chinese food.  It's our favorite.

Just to give you a 'real' idea.  This place we moved to (trying to keep some anonymity here...) has this thing called " 'town name' cashew chicken" 

It's popcorn chicken, with beef gravy and cashew's over it.

Friends that have lived here your whole life: New Flash- that ain't Chinese!

It kills me.

When we went to our adoption training, we had to drive about 3 hours to get to it, so we went up the night before, spent the night and went out to eat.  We went to a huge city... (like with an NBA, NFL and MLB team huge).  We could have had some serious fine dining... and where did we go... you got it! Panda Express!

Since I don't get to go very often (only when we are traveling) I've not been able to keep up with all the new dishes they've come out with recently, but this little number has graced my taste buds....

A- MAZ- ING!!!

So for now, I'm their friend on facebook, and I longingly gaze at the new dishes, and dream of a time when I can run down the street and get me a 'feed me for two meals' Panda Bowl.   

If any of you have one near you, go, have a meal for me, take a picture, send it, and let me enjoy the picture! :)

O- Openness

When we started the adoption process, we selected a semi-open adoption.  My brother and I's adoptions were both closed.  When I was 19  I petitioned the courts to open my records, and they did.  It took about a year to get everything done, (so I was nearly 20)  and I've since built a relationship with my birth mother.  I could have done it way before then, but just wasn't ready.  My brother is 20 now and still hasn't done anything.  And that's ok.  It's his choice. 

So, based on my own families experience, we liked the bit of anonymity that a semi-open would provide.  We set up a first name only email account, so that we could communicate more frequently, and not have to go through the agency, making the communication less restricted.  

 However, several weeks after our failed adoption, Trav and I were talking.  Since we had interacted with possible birth parents, we both decided we could see us opening up the adoption in the future of the relationship.  I guess that's the one best thing they did for us, was show us that we were willing to do an open adoption.  I could see me texting her pictures of our little boy as he hit milestones.

We figured since we were ok with opening up after we met any birth parents, we might as well start that way, as to not excluded us from any potential matches.

Our agency does a good job restricting openness in 'unique' situations; drug use, arrests, mental conditions, etc.  So we feel safe knowing that when it needs to be restricted it will.  I suppose it's safe to say that it hasn't helped us so far in achieving a match, but we'll see where it leads us!

N- Not Much

Not much to say... Besides this is my freaking 400th post!!

Holy Shit, I must think I have a lot to say....

But seriously.  I think of all that has happened in 100 posts. 

100 posts ago, we had just gotten matched with a birth mom.

100 posts ago, we were about to meet them for the first time.

100 posts ago, we were setting our house up for a baby.

100 posts ago, I was thinking about a baby shower.

100 posts ago, (give or take), we celebrated my husband's 30th birthday.

100 posts ago, I has so much hope, and very little reservations.



100 posts later, my heart has been broken.

100 posts later, we grieved together.

100 posts later, we're back to waiting.

100 posts later, my house isn't ready for a baby anymore, most things are packed away.

100 posts later, my hope is gone, and I have a mind full of caution.

100 posts later, a pregnancy announcement brought me to tears.

100 posts later, I dropped off a present at my aunts house because I couldn't bare to go to a baby shower.

100 posts later, I've lost some faith.

100 posts later, I've been lifted up, celebrated with, and been prayed for by my friends and followers.

In 100 posts, I've gained almost 100 new followers.  Many of you started following in the midst of my grief, and for that I thank you.  You didn't know my story, you just offered love. 

At the time, I didn't follow up, and didn't follow you when you started following me.  I was very self centered, and for that, I'm sorry.  So, for all of you, even if you don't comment regularly, but read often, please comment, and let me follow you!!!  (that's the easiest way I think, anyone else got another idea?)

M- Mom

So, I did a rambling post about my Dad, here is one about my Mom.

To sum up my relationship:

Age 5: A friend to play dolls and beauty shop with

Age 10:  Someone who drove me to soccer practice

Age 14:  Someone who bought awesome snacks for my friends and I

Age 16:  The most unfair, meanest, horrible person.  Ever.  Worse then my Dad even.

Age 19:  Now that I don't have to live there, not so bad

Age 21:  Shoulder I cried on when I had to move out of town with my new husband, because I didn't want to leave her

Age 26:  Not only someone who loves me, but someone who understands my 'adoption' feelings, as an adoptive mother herself, and me becoming one soon.

Age 27:  (well, really the last 7 years or so).  My best friend.  Someone that I can cry with, and laugh so silly with both of our husbands are embarrassed. 

We have the same sense of humor

We have the same opinions (98% of the time)

We like the same clothes

We push each other to try on different things shopping

We love making my house a home (she's fun to decorate with!)

We like the same shows on TV and movies.

We both like country music and the rodeo.

We both have a 6'2'' college kid with dreadlocks that we adore.

We've both been married to someone in the service (I've beat them on length, my Dad was only in the Army for 3.5 years, but they beat us on time apart, because he was in Vietnam a year)

We both love pedicures and massages.

She's great at editing papers... for both me and my husband!

I love that she get's as excited about my projects as I do...

I love that my Dad has a droid x so I can text him photos of random things I want to show her (and I would LOVE it if she got something nicer then a circa 2004 flip phone...)

And I love that if I call him within an hour of sending a photo, he answers with "Hey Jenn, I showed your Mom, she liked it! How are you?"

We can't go more then a day without having a "mom withdrawal" or "jenn withdrawal"

We could talk three times a day and think nothing of it.

Because of that, I'm the one that uses 90% of our cellphone minuets, so we got Magic Jack, simply for my calls home.

I've had to force myself to remember to call my husband first, not her with good (or exciting news), but she's always second on the list.

We're best friends.

And I love that we have the same eyes... just like the lady at the store said...

because really, deep down, I know we don't, but I love it anyways.

How I don't have a photo of just us on my computer, I'm not sure... but here is a picture of a picture I have hanging in my hallway. It was of me when I was in college, I think my Dad was taking pictures with a new camera ( maybe?) 

I took both of these when they were here this past Fourth of July, The above one was with the Air Force race car, and then in our kitchen helping me make the grand 'barbeque feast' that we had.

PS- Ok, so I know we don't have the same genetics...but umm... Dear genetics god, since on paper and in her heart I'm her daughter... can you um, make me look this good when I'm her age (in 37 years) ! 

Clean

I'm not sure why, but a clean refrigerator face brings peace...

I'm weird- because I'm the one that junks it up. 

The only thing on it is a magnet that says "Courage". 

 My Mom got it for me when I left for college

(you know, WAY far away... on the other side of town!)

Now... as for the side you don't see because the door is (always) open... that's a whole other story!  However, the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" rings true!

L- Love

This morning, I texted my husband asked my husband what is something that starts with an "L" that I could do my blog post on.  He texted back, Love.

Sounds good to me!

So... love.  What do I love?  Well, him of course!  You can go here to see more 'lovey dovey' pictures of us.  I love how he loves me, his back rubs, when he cooks dinner, when he makes me smile, the way he protects me, comforts me when I cry, holds me close at night, our tv dates.  There are a million other things I love about him, but most of all, I love the way he loves me. 

In fact, I often call him "My Love".  (as in, hello My Love, how was your day?)

And the Green Bay Packers... so him in a cheese head is bliss!!

He was a good sport even though he was kinda hating life at that moment!

These three knuckleheads!

(but I love them more when they don't have the stomach flu!)

I also love doing projects. 

I was recently diagnosed with Project ADD by my husband...

I'm thinking of starting another blog, just for my projects. 

 There certainly are enough of them going on!

More info on that later. 

K- Kids

Unless you are a new reader, you know that this WHOLE blog has been our quest to have kids.  It started in May 2009.  Travis had just gotten done with his cross training to become a recruiter, and I was in the midst of my first cycle with the RE who did my lap surgery.  In the midst of trying to sell one house, pack, move, buy another, starting Trav's new assignment, I somehow mixed up the medicine.  I didn't know what any of the drugs meant, so it was all Greek to me.  I took the Provera (to start a period), when I should have taken the Femera (like Clomid).  Who knew. 

Looking back, my experience at that office was everything that I would never recommend.  My new doctor, Dr. S, is amazing, and everything that the old doctor wasn't.  I can't imagine going through that part of the quest with any one else at the wheel then Dr. S.

But our quest has changed over the past two years... we went from trying naturally, to full core fertility treatments (injections), to now doing 'nothing' ourselves, and waiting for our child to come to us through an adoption.

When I got married, I thought that we would have kids.  As in PLURAL.... lots of plural!  Have a few, adopt a few... enough for a basketball team.  Five years later, and the thought of each additional child coming with an initial cost of $20,000, I'm wondering how many kids we'll really end up with.  I sill hope for several (three?) but I'm not sure my husband shares that some thought!

He always responds to that question with "Let's worry about the first one"....

Really?

Does this commercial piss anyone else off? I found myself yelling at the TV "Just because you got a positive test doesn't mean there is a baby at the end!"

Anyone?

Or is it just me??


I guess maybe just the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss gals....

J- Jenn, with 2 n's

I was named Jennifer to match my Dad's initials.  He knew that since I was adopted, all he could give me was his name, so he we James Myron, I'm Jennifer Marie.  I guess there was a tv show on at the time that was called "Heart to Heart", and a girl on it was Jennifer.  She was bubbly and cute, and so there I was named.

Yes, I was named the most popular girl's name of the years before and after I was born... In third grade there was three Jennifer's in my class.

Sometime in high school, my Mom and Dad had a list of 'chores' that they needed my brother and I to do. 

They were titled "Ben's List", and "Jen's List".

Being the overly ornery teenager I was.... I did nothing on the list.  My reasoning "I'm sorry Mom, I didn't know that the list was for me, because I spell my name with 2 n's"....

So- that's how it's started.  Needless to say, I don't think I got away with that, but it's stuck.  I'm Jenn, not Jen.

And can I say, that it's something that really bugs me, if it's not right.  I get that most people will do Jen, and if I only deal with you ever so often, that's fine ( like on the top of sub plans "Jen, so glad you're here today...", but for those that use it a lot, like close friends and family, I often correct them, and try to do it as nice as possible, just stating that I spell it with two n's.  And if after several reminders, they still do it, I get irritated.  It would be like spelling my husbands name Travys.  (yes as a sub, I've seen his name spelled like that!).

So, oh well.  If you know me, it's Jenn with two n's.... and if you didn't know before.  Now you do!
:)  Yes, I know that it's not common, but anyone who knows me realizes I'm a bit different (subborn even?). 

(side note, my husband always calls me Jenn, the only time I hear Jennifer is if he's really serious, or upset.... his 'Jennifer', has the same connotation of when my parents yelled "Jennifer Marie!"  It happens so infrequently that I hear my whole first name!!!  I even get Christmas  and birthday cards addressed to Jenn!)

Pumpkin and Rice

My normal A-Z posts will be delayed for a while, as my whole life right now revolves around steaming rice, mixing pumpkin, cleaning up shit, and bleaching towels. 

Our little boy Baxter got a stomach virus on Sunday.... Kayden got it last night....

It has kinda taken up my days!

I- Infertility

We are coming up on the National Infertility Awareness Week:

I know some women don't like to be labeled.  I guess, neither do I, but since I'm labeling myself, I guess it's ok.

I'm a daughter

(with the owner of the chocolate factory we toured)

I'm a sister

I'm a wife

 (not just a wife, an Air Force wife, who won spouse of the year!)

I'm a builder.

I'm a friend.

I'm a teacher

I'm infertile

And because of this...there is one label that escapes me.

Mother.

H- Happy

Happy.

This guy makes me unbelievably, undeniably, silly, crazy, happy.

G- Garden

Well... my garden looks the same as it did before... an empty box.  Do you know how much dirt costs!  CRAZY!  We're waiting on some from my neighbors family's friend, it has chicken poop and everything... apparently that's good for garden dirt. 

I suppose I have a lot to learn!

F- F*@%

Ahhh the 'f word'.  It might be my favorite word.  I know it's bad, and unproper... and I should probably get out of the habit of saying it, but eh, its comfortable for me.

E- Expectations

Expectations, we all have them

We have expectations of our life, our spouse, our children (if we have any), our family, our friends, and on, and on, and on.

Is it better to have high expectations, and occasionally be disappointed, or low expectations, and so that things turn out better then planned?

It seems like it's a catch-22.

There are some things that have turned out better then expected.

I complain a lot (a lot- a lot) about the Air Force.  We never expected that Trav would still be active duty this far into our marriage.  I never thought I would be an "Air Force Wife".  I can't say I love it.  But it's our life, and it's treated us well.  We own our home.  We have everything but the truck paid off.  I have the ability to stay home and be a Mom if that's what I want.  There isn't much to complain about when I really think about it.

Another thing that has thrown expectations out the window is my marriage.  I was young and immature when I got married.  I didn't know how to be a wife.  I didn't know what that meant.  I was hard headed, and hurtful.  Looking at our marriage then, and now, it's almost unrecognizable.  And for that I'm grateful.  I cannot imagine living my life without Travis in it.  He is a much better man then I deserve, and he loves me so completely.

As wonderful as our life is now, the expectation that we would be a family hasn't worked out well for us so far.  We tried for several years to conceive our own child, then moved on to adoption, and are now, still waiting.  Yes, we've only been a 'waiting family' for 5 months with our agency... but in reality, we've been waiting for years. 

I guess with the good comes the bad, and there is always bad, so I try to focus on what I can control, and to enjoy the man that comes home to me every day.  And as always, he blows my expectations and gives me so much more.

D- Dad's (Part II)

 

 

The other amazing Dad in my life is my husband.

Though we don't have any children yet, he is an amazing Dad to his daughter.  I've seen him change jobs (in the Air Force, that isn't so easy), and do everything possible to get near her.  I cannot wait until I watch him rock our baby to sleep, or tuck our little ones in.  He's already amazing, but I know it's going to get even better. 

Helping the 'photographer' get a better shot at the Balloon Fiesta

At his sister's wedding

Picking Vegetables in my parent's garden...

(yes, look at all the brown, what more do you expect from New Mexico!)

D- Dad's (Part I)

I have two men in my life, and they are both amazing Dad's

My Dad and I have a special relationship.  When I was younger (in the angst of my teenage years), we didn't get along well.  At all. 

However, growing up, we have developed a very special relationship.  When they adopted me, I was the answer to many, many prayers.  He was willing to give me everything he had, including all his love.  When they named me, he matched my initials, I was Jennifer Marie, and he is James Myron.  It was his way of making me 'his'.  For a long time, I disliked my name (everyone had it...), but I've grown to love it, now more then ever, because it has a special meaning, since I don't carry his last name anymore. 

He talks to me when I'm crying.  Most of the time I call to talk to my Mom, but the day we lost our baby boy, I called home, and he answered.  I could feel his hurt, and pain, for us.  He did his best to support us from as far away as they are, and asked if he could still send Mom out to be with us.  I know he prays daily for our needs, our happiness, and our child. 

He has tried to teach us from his own mistakes, so that we can be even more successful then he has been.  He teaches with love, and advises with compassion. 

He's really good at planing things out, if it's buying a house, building a workbench, or figuring out what to do next. 

And he's really good at looking text messages that I send him from Big Orange that look like this, and telling me if it will work for whatever project I'm trying to tackle. 

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to move out, and now that I'm older, I wish we were closer together.  He has a wicked sense of humor, that comes out rarely... but when it does, we laugh and laugh.  Those are some of my favorite memories, when he laughs so hard, his eye's crinkle up. 

Dad and I at the "Big Texan" in Amarillo

He makes AMAZING apple pies, he shared the 'family secret' with Aleigha when we went to visit them.

At the chocolate factory

Helping me build a workbench for Travis while he was gone for training.

We did it!!!