Monday, April 25, 2011
Testing. We've all done it. Both the peeing on a stick, as well as a needle to your arm testing.
In 2008, when we lost our 'big' pregnancy, they wanted to do all sorts of testing. It was our second loss but my fourth miscarriage. Apparently that raises all the red flags! I was really emotional, and not thinking straight (lets face it, beyond trying to figure out how much vodka I'd need to get me through the weekend I was pretty useless!). I really, really didn't want to go through all the testing. Travis made a good point: Because of the recent loss, our insurance would pay for ALL the testing. Anything the doctor ordered. Zero Co-pay. What he didn't understand at the time is that it's not the money, or really even the process of getting poked or prodded (since all the testing was done on ME).
It's so emotional.
What if they find something. What if they don't.
In my case they did. The D&C caused scaring, and so I went in to get that taken care of. After two more losses with a new RE, he ordered more testing.
Great... so after doing 12 days of FSH, I got a day off and then started to inject blood thinners.
But wait, that didn't work. I sill miscarried.
So what's the point of the testing. We still know nothing, though we've tried to solve several things.
After our failed match, we got to talking. About more testing. Wondering what else there could be. It took some time, but I gave in. I made an appointment. My doctor knows we're not going to be doing the ultrasounds, the injections, the cycle day blood work. But we're also not going to prevent. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not sure that I want to have to get to the point of pulling out a stick to pee on it again. I have a whole bottom drawer of my bathroom full of positive tests.
I can't seem to throw them away.
They are reminders that occasionally, if only for a few days, my body was doing what it was meant to do.
But, it also reminds me that no matter how many positive tests I have stored away, none of them led me to a baby in my arms.