Monday, April 25, 2011

T- Testing

Testing.  We've all done it.  Both the peeing on a stick, as well as a needle to your arm testing.

In 2008, when we lost our 'big' pregnancy, they wanted to do all sorts of testing.  It was our second loss but my fourth miscarriage.  Apparently that raises all the red flags! I was really emotional, and not thinking straight (lets face it, beyond trying to figure out how much vodka I'd need to get me through the weekend I was pretty useless!).  I really, really didn't want to go through all the testing.  Travis made a good point:  Because of the recent loss, our insurance would pay for ALL the testing.  Anything the doctor ordered.  Zero Co-pay.  What he didn't understand at the time is that it's not the money, or really even the process of getting poked or prodded (since all the testing was done on ME). 
 It's so emotional. 
What if they find something.  What if they don't.

In my case they did.  The D&C caused scaring, and so I went in to get that taken care of.  After two more losses with a new RE, he ordered more testing.


Great... so after doing 12 days of FSH, I got a day off and then started to inject blood thinners. 

But wait, that didn't work.  I sill miscarried.

So what's the point of the testing.  We still know nothing, though we've tried to solve several things. 

After our failed match, we got to talking.  About more testing.  Wondering what else there could be.  It took some time, but I gave in.  I made an appointment.  My doctor knows we're not going to be doing the ultrasounds, the injections, the cycle day blood work.  But we're also not going to prevent.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I'm not sure that I want to have to get to the point of pulling out a stick to pee on it again.  I have a whole bottom drawer of my bathroom full of positive tests. 

I can't seem to throw them away. 
They are reminders that occasionally, if only for a few days, my body was doing what it was meant to do.

But, it also reminds me that no matter how many positive tests I have stored away, none of them led me to a baby in my arms.


  1. Jenn, I've been following for a while but this post really made me sad. I recently lost my first pregnancy. I only have two tests hidden away in the closest. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this. It is truly one of the most devastating things. It is so emotionally draining. I know you said before that you feel alone. While none of our stories are the same, know that there are other women who also feel alone in their pain. We are all here to support you. Thank you for writing posts that make others feel like we aren't alone.

  2. I'm so sorry for all of your losses. I can't even fathom your pain. I really hope that you get a miracle, and soon. It sucks that you don't have any answers for what you have been through. You are an incredibly strong woman and I really think that you can handle anything that comes your way.

  3. Oh Jenn, my heart ached as I read this post. I remember going through all the testing and even knowing that it was a necessary evil, it still scared the life out of me. What if there was something more wrong? What if there wasn't?

    And it seemed like every time I had a test, it came back with something wrong. I used to cry every time my RE would deliver the news. I came to expect it.

    I'm so sorry for what you've been through. So sorry that you're still broken hearted with empty arms. Soon, though....very soon, I hope, your prayers will be answered.

  4. Sending you hugs Jenn. I hated the endless testing with nothing to walk away with. So frustrating. It always leaves that door a creak open...always something to wonder about.

    Thinking of you, whatever you decide.

  5. T is for trying and you did that to the best of your ability. T is for trying as it was trying on you physically and emotionally. You are oh so strong Jenn and I hope at the end, the only testing you have is the testing of your patience when your kids are drawing with crayons on your newly painted walls!
    You will be such a good mom and I can't wait to see you hold your baby that IS coming to you :)