Blur

First, I want to start off by saying thank you to everyone who posted (or e-mailed) so many kind words.

This weekend was like a blur, an emotionless blur.  I think we both forced ourselves not to cry in front of the other.  You think we would be used to this... its not like this is our first time experiencing it.  I guess if all we've learned from the past is that we both grieve differently.  Though now that I think about it, I cried in the grocery store bathroom (we were in the parking lot when I got the call of my falling beta's), and I cried when I removed myself from the 'October 2010 Due Date Team on babyfit.com.  And when we told the parents... but that's it I think.  Not nearly as often as in the past. 

Except for now, we aren't talking about next time.  I don't know if that has helped our situation.  We just know that this is the final heartbreak... of this sort at least.

I spoke with my birthmother, and she said she couldn't help but feel it was partly her fault.  That her genes was causing this heart break.  I can honestly, 100% say, that thought never once crossed my mind.  Ever.  I tried to tell her she was crazy, but I know she still feels guilty.  Hopefully with time she will understand that I will never think that about her.  I will never blame her. 

If anything, I'm so amazingly grateful for the decision she made 26 years ago, because it is still blessing me (besides being alive, obviously!).  Because I was adopted, of course the topic came up with my husband and I on one of our 14 hour drives out to visit his parents (which happened TWICE, in the first 3 months we were together... I still think that because we talked almost the whole time, we were leaps ahead of most people who dated *hello-56 hours!*, and that's why we got married 7 months after we met... well, the Air Force had something to do with it too...).   The topic of adoption had come up after we were married, and we figured we would have a few children of our own, and then adopt one or two.  Seems that God's plan is for us to adopt all of our children. 

I'm so excited, last night in bed, I asked Trav, "So, now it looks like we're done trying, are we ready to move on to adoption?"  He leaned over, said yes and gave me a kiss.   I feel so incredibly blessed that my husband is 100% on board with me.

I've read countless stories of couples that are infertile, and finally have exhausted all their options (which yes, I know we didn't do IVF... there is a reason, even further proven now).  One half of the couple wants to move onto adoption, and the other side is completely against it.  A few times, they have declared that they would rather be childless then adopt.  I can see the hopelessness that those feel.  I am so incredibly blessed that my husband is ready to jump from one speeding train to another that is going in the opposite direction. 

I'm not sure we are ready for the ride, but we're jumping on now (sorta... more on that later)!