Sunday, February 28, 2010


I'm sitting on my couch trying to get motivated to do something.

Two of the most top priority things would be either cleaning the house or writing my research analysis paper... both seem riveting don't they!

However, the things that sound better is going out to eat (I really don't want to cook), or watching a movie, or catching up on some shows (Which- by the way- how can The Deep End on ABC already have the season finale, they only had 5 other episodes, but I do love it!).

With Travis gone, it's been a challenge.  He really does help so much around the house, and with the dogs, that I almost feel like I'm drowning when he's not here.  Plus, its really nice to cuddle on the couch when we are watching tv's, or being able to reach over and touch him if I wake up in the middle of the night.

Some girlfriends of mine came over Friday night, and we had a good night.  Laughs and Vodka are the best way to describe it! Side note- 3 Olive Cherry Vodka and Dr. Pepper, with a splash of Vanilla Vodka = bliss.  One of them thought it was very funny when she walked in my bedroom to use the bathroom (the guest bathroom has the litter box, except Hunter (our cat) of course tracks some of it out... and if you look to the top of this post- I haven't cleaned the house (but have cleaned the box!)).  Anyways- she laughed when she saw what had replaced my husband... sitting on his side of the bed was my sams-club-sized tub of animal crackers.  Oh well, you do what you gotta do.

I think that another part of the blah-ness is I feel very out of control of my world right now.   I'm not in love with my graduate classes, and so I don't truly have much motivation behind me pushing me to do homework or papers.  I have a midterm next week (I am almost excited, because that means I'm half way through with this shit.). 

Beyond being not in love with classes, the other huge stressor is my step daughter.  I've mentioned it in a couple of my past posts, and don't even really know where to start.  We left our jobs (well my job), our friends, our beautiful house for my husband to take on this more-often-then-not shitty job.  He is an Air Force Recruiter and the hours are long.  The squadron had a huge shake up about 6 months ago, and it has been confusing, unorganized, shifty since then.  He doesn't love his job all the time either.  But, we did this for her.  So we could move and be close to her.  Everything was fine the first 6 months we were here, she spent a ton of time over here, I took her to swimming lessons, we did crafty things, we baked, we painted different rooms of the house... In November she started having issues, (50% and 60% on assignments, being an absolute horror to her mother).  She never had behavior issues at our house, but at her moms she would punch, pull hair, kick, yell, throw things (busted a hole in the closet door)... did I mention she was 10!  Her mom and us talked and we decided to do family counseling.  In the weeks before and since we've been doing family counseling, I've herd her say these things about me.
* I wish they would get a divorce so that it could be Mom, Dad and me.
* I hate her.
* She is the reason I don't like going to Dad's.

Um, ok- all things that I would expect to here as a step mom... except her actions NEVER showed it! Ever.
We baked, and made cookies, we did crafts for Halloween and Christmas time, as well as beading necklaces, I have drawings on my refrigerator that says "I love Mom and Dad" with a picture of the three of us and our dogs. 

Because of all the two-side-ed-ness I decided that I wasn't truly comfortable with her coming over without her Dad not being here.  He's gone for training, he needs this 6 week class to get his next rank.

I called the counselor to tell her that I would like to speak with her before our family session.  I don't know if she didn't get the message, or what, but I basically felt like I got thrown under the bus in the session on Friday.  I was able to talk about how I felt, and not being comfortable just the two of us, and I was encouraged to continue the 'every other weekend' thing we had going on.  We have a follow up session on Tuesday, and by then, I have to come up with a list of rules and expectations we have at our house, a list of consequences, and we are all going to sign it.  I understand how it will help, but -really- do you think it's healthy to have to form a contract in order for her to come over.  I would have rather just stopped the weekends over until my husband got back, so now I feel like I'm being forced into having her over, and to be honest (I know it's immature, but it's where I'm at right now), I don't want to wake up with her in the morning, and have to cook her lunch (today my lunch was yogurt and animal crackers...) and figure out how to entertain her.  I just don't. I got my feelings hurt by her two-sided behavior, being happy and enjoying it here, and then saying she hated me, and I just don't want to have to deal with this alone.

Her mom seemed to completely understand where I was coming from, and wasn't upset at all (we almost bonded... almost).  We talked about going to go out for dinner, so she could see I didn't hate her.  We would have, except they had to be at a relative's house by 7pm, and it was a little over an hour's drive away.  I got a text message about 1/2 hour after we left, saying that she was crying. 

I'm not sure if it was because her 'game' was up, or she was truly sad that she wasn't coming over this weekend, or if (and that's a big if) she was maybe somewhat remorseful.  (I can only wish). 

So, instead of just being able to enjoy being childless the next few weeks... I'm apprehensive of what Tuesday will bring.


  1. Jenn, when you do family counseling is her mother sitting in on these sessions too? I ask because my first instinct is she really does loving coming over and she really does like you but at the therapy sessions she says these things to please her mother and to show her that shes taking her mothers side. I can imagine myself being a young girl and feeling guilty for loving my step-mom and having a good time there so making it into a pity-fest and to avoid the guilt of making my mom sad. Just a thought as to the reason behind her behavior.

    Also- I agree if your hubby is not there why should you have to spend the weekend with her? I hope you put your foot down on that!

  2. Hmmm...this is actually odd to me. With the whole CO thing, usually there's that right of first refusal thing and if visitation is with your husband, and your husband isn't home then she doesn't come over. Honestly, that sucks.

    I have a really, really tough time being a stepmother. I feel like no matter how hard I try (and I'm not talking like crazy, over the top trying or anything) it didn't matter, so I pretty much stopped. I use those weekends to try to do other things. I think what you described is my biggest try and try and feel rejected. One good thing is that BM ended the relationship with my husband very early in her pregnancy, so my stepson doesn't remember them together.

    I must say though that you are an absolute saint for going to counseling with everyone. Period. A saint. Your husband should have a pedestal for you to just be on all by yourself. Either that or he does permanent dishes duty.

  3. I can't believe the counselor is making you do that. You are a better person than I.

  4. Its normal for a girl that age to act that way especially towards step mom/step dad and in your case step mom. Best thing to do is just talk about it and not be so negative about it. If your hubby is not there its ok for her to come over more bonding time between the TWO of you (I have no clue what K is saying thats ridiculous) But dont banned her from the house just because the hubby is home and best thing to do Is not put all family problems on case family is reading. Good luck

  5. I feel really sorry for this little girl. It sounds to me like she is very confused. Her brain is not mature enough to deal with divorce and a new step mother and it sounds like she may be acting out because she doesn't know what to do with her emotions. Girls that age dont reason things out they lash out or hide.

    As a full grown mature person you need to help her find a way to deal with all of these emotions she is having. Its your job as well as her other parents to help her. You are a part of her life and you did know that your husband came with this little girl when you married him. Its a package deal, with him comes his past. You need to understand this and be mature about it.

    Maybe you could start with sitting down with the little girl and looking into her eyes and asking her what the matter is. She is a person with feelings and I think that you have forgotten that. You really need to stop expecting this child to be a mature person, she is a little girl and is very much acting like one. You need to act your age now and be a responsible, loving and helpful stepmother.

  6. Im kinda wondering if you are taking it out on your step kid because you cant have a baby. Could this be it?

  7. Wow, I think Anonymous is having some issues. Obviously, this is J's blog where she talks about her feelings. Her feelings are valid even if they aren't politically correct for everybody. Being a step-mother is a very difficult and tenuous position and you can tell she is working through it with the family in counseling and being flexible with the arrangements. Anonymous, if you weren't ashamed of your comments, you wouldn't post as an anonymous commenter.