Sunday, October 25, 2009

Why IVF is not for us

If you are a staunch supporter of IVF *and only IFV*, stop reading.  Now.  You will probably not like what I have to say.

Saying that, two of my best friends have done IVF, (both two rounds with FET) and another one is getting ready to do FET.  I am 100% supportive of them and their decision, because it is what they chose for themselves.

However, that being said, Trav and I decided LONG ago that we wouldn't go to IVF.... we're not even sure that we'll do IUI....

Now that I have had five miscarriages, we are faced with the 'now what' question?  Since both of us have had the genetic counseling (after #4) , and on the surface checked out ok, we aren't sure if it is genetic or some other reason.  It could be either.  If we would decide to do IVF, and have the embryos genetically looked and, and decide to transfer the ones that look the best (if we are lucky enough to have that does), and our problem isn't genetic, then we have done nothing except use up $15,000.  Because, if the problem isn't genetic, then it is an issue with my body being able to carry the child, in which the IVF did nothing to help us overcome that problem. 

Another factor is money.  We do not make a ton, are you kidding me, my husband is in the military! :)  I know that there are others out there who make less then us, and decide to do IVF, that's not my argument.  Once we save the money (or take out a loan... hopefully not), we have decided how to spend it.  Some people (like my Dad) are gamblers, love to ride the stock market, in their mind, great risks equal great rewards.  Some people (like my Mom) are holders, loving safe investments, great risks equal great losses.  When it comes to us, we have decided that the risk of me being able to carry a child to term is high.  Lets be honest, I don't exactly have a great track record.... my body has failed me five times now.  Because of my lack of trust in my own body, I am not willing to spend the money on IFV, I would rather use that money to fund an adoption. 

I am an adopted child (so is my little brother).  When my husband married me, he knew we were going to adopt.  We would have one or two of our own, and adopt one or two.  There was no argument on his part, he was totally fine with it.  (However, sometimes it seems that we might be adopting all of our children!).  Our parents support this, our friends support this, but more importantly we both support each other in this- now.  It took a while, because Travis wanted to perhaps do an international adoption, to him a baby, was a baby, was a baby.  Being an adopted child myself, I always get a little giddy inside when I'm with my Mom and someone says how much we look alike, or my little brother.  Knowing full well that I DON'T really belong, the fact that someone outside our family thinks I do, is amazing.  I told Travis he would never understand it.  Period.  Unless you are adopted, I don't think you understand it.  For that reason, I wanted to pursue domestic infant adoption.  We were afraid that the cost would be SOOO much higher, but actually, we found several agencies that are the same if not lower then the international adoption.  So, it was decided, when we are ready, we know that we will use one of two adoption agencies that we have met with.

That is how we came to our decision.  If you are a friend or family member, you probably knew that we were looking at adoption, but now you know why.  If you are a blog reader, you can understand where our next steps might lead us.  If you have gone through IVF, or are planning on it, know that you will have 100% of my support and prayers.  I completely respect your decision, and truly hopes that it will give you the child that you so desperately want.


  1. you and travis will be giving a lucky child the most incredible gift of all - love.

    (was that too cheesy? forgive me. but it's how i feel.)

  2. I think whatever you choose is fine and like you I always wanted to adopt regardless of biological children.

    Regarding the cost of IVF, my husband is going to be getting military benefits soon and I understand they use Tricare and I read that IVF while not covered you can get a break on it via getting treatment on bases? Is this accurate?

  3. Great post! I completely know where you are coming from. I am not against IVF or IUI's and I will do them if my doctor thinks that would be the only way I would get a baby but I respect your decision. If you have noticed, I keep trying the natural way hoping it will work. I'm sure I will be faced with a tough decision in the next 5 months.

  4. Kate,
    Yes this is true. The cost for our IVF will be about $8K versus $15K. But my husband and I have also decided that we're open to adoption, we just want to try IVF so that we feel comfortable knowing that we tried everything we could. But we won't go broke doing it! We're still saving up for adoption. I hope the adoption journey goes well for you when you decide to start on that road!

  5. This is a great post. Much luck to you!

  6. I think making the decision to adopt can be so difficult. So many of us want not only to be parents but also to see our genes reflected in another human being. I admire you so much for going whole-heartedly into the adoption process-- I feel like it takes a very special and very big-hearted couple to do this, regardless of your own personal histories. I struggled with infertility for over a year before using injectible hormones to become pregnant. I contemplated adoption, but I could never fully make peace with it enough to go for it. I'm all for it in a big picture sense, but when it came to adopting a child myself, I got scared. It make me feel really vulnerable. I guess I also wasn't quite willing to give up hope about getting pregnant yet either. I really wanted to be pregnant, so much so that I don't have words to explain it really. Anyway, I think that had I struggled for longer, like if the injectible hormones hadn't worked and we were faced with IVF, I think I would have been wiling to think further about adoption. It seems like a better bet to me than IVF, and a better use of hard-earned money. More than that, IVF seems so intrusive and had such potential to leave you both physically and emotionally battered. Anyway... way too long a comment. I only just came across your blog, but I think you sound like you're making a very wise decision. I wish you the best.

  7. Amen!

    I loved the first two lines of this blog post!

  8. Lovely to read this and to hear of your experience as an adopted child. Like you, we thought we would have a couple of our own children and adopt one or two. Partly due to the length of time it takes, we decided to try and conceive our own - 3 miscarriages later, we have eventually made the decision to adopt. The reason for the delay (which took us 3 years) is I think due to respect and love of our future adopted child, we had to feel we had drawn the line under infertility. Following new tests and treatment, we may still have a go at conception but like you, I don't want to go down the IVF route. My 3 miscarriages were v early and I know if fertilised eggs are put into me and they don't take, I will view it as a miscarriage.
    We are too old for a domestic adoption here in Ireland and very few come up. To be honest, I don't mind what race our child is but I do for the child's sake. We live in a small farming community and I don't want the child to feel like a coconut (as I heard one adult adopted child describe himself - black skin, white on the inside and felt he didn't fit in anywhere), I don't want him/her to feel as though people know he/she is adopted in the first seconds of meeting them.
    It's a 4 to 5 year process here.
    I wish you the best of luck with your journey

  9. Sorry, I meant to say, we have 2 of our own children and had problems conceiving and carrying our third

  10. Hi, I found your blog while looking for pregnancy/ mommy blogs. We have also decided against IVF for a variety of reasons. My question is how did you choose your adoption agency? Are they a nationwide company? Did you consider foster-adoption or only wanted a newborn? We haven't fully started adoption yet as we're attempting to conceive naturally first, but a little information never hurts. We're tossing around foster-adoption vs newborn adoption.

    I can't wait to see your new baby! Hopefully BMs labor goes smoothly!

  11. We're also not going to do IVF, for many of the same reasons as you. If I need IVF to have a child, I think that is God's way of saying, "ADOPT, already!". Good luck with adoption!