Silver Bells?

Ok, so I get it... we're getting close to the holiday season.  I understand I should expect Christmas displays to start going up soon.... but what I wasn't prepared for tonight was Christmas music.

As we were driving home from my in-laws house, we had the radio station on scan.  We then herd.... no it can't be... it's not even November yet.... really!?!  It's Halloween.... how can that be? 

HOW THE HELL ARE WE HEARING "SILVER BELLS"!!!!

Really?  REALLY!  On Halloween... shouldn't you be playing Monster Mash?  Which, by the way, I have yet to hear ONCE this year!

Ugh. 

And so it begins.

Don't forget to set back your clock tonight!

Happy Halloween!

What were you tonight? 

Me, I was a 'wanna be momma'! ( I stole my nephew!) 

We went to my in-laws town for the day. 

Trav helped his Dad rip siding off their house that they rent out. I'm sure they had fun, I don't really know though, because I didn't stick around long, I had a date, a blog date!

I met up with Jenicini, and had a BLAST! I haven't had that much fun in a while. We talked about teaching, about life, about our husbands, and about our struggles with infertility.  I enjoyed it more then she knew!   It's nice to have another friend, who understands all the crap I've been going through, on top of dealing with the crap that our husbands careers throw at us, and how to be a 'graceful military wife'.  We had to end lunch early (three hours later), because my husband kept texting me asking where I was at.  We decided to do it again real soon... like Thursday after my doctors appointment!  YEA!  :)  I can't wait!

I headed up to his Dad and Step Mom's house, and got to spend some time with then, and then they got ready to go to a Halloween thing at their church.  They were cute! I forgot my camera in the car, and would have loved to get a picture of them before they left.....  They were a sheep and a cow. 

We headed to his Mom and Step Dad's house and helped pass out candy there.  Our nephew was spending the night at Grandmas, and he and I had fun...we ate lots of junk: chips, suckers and juice!  (Hey, I don't have to stay up with him when he's so jazzed up on sugar he won't sleep!)  His mom got him the CUTEST costume.  He was a frog, until he got to the sucker.  He was so sticky it was cute!  Then he became a cute scary skeleton... doesn't he just strike the fear into you!

Hope you all had a SAFE and FUN evening!

YEA!!!

Holy cow!  Can I just say, once again, ONLY infertility would make someone happy ecstatic to find out.....


I HAVE A CLOTTING DISORDER!!!

WHOOOHHOOOO!!!!!


I am positive for two copies of MTHFR (which is a great abbreviation for what I say after I loose each baby... maybe it was a sign!)

I have 'very low' levels for protein C antigen (66)

I have asked my *almost-a-doctor* friend  what all this means, (if you are reading this 'C'.. You had better be looking something up in all your medical journals!) When I get her answer I will share that with you all.

Ok, so I'll be honest, I don't exactly know WHY these things are important, but the nurse said my doctor was happy to see something come up on the blood work.  He wants to 'see me soon so we can go over our next steps, and what course of treatment we will do".  He knows that we won't do IVF, so that must mean that he's got something in plan for us to tackle these things.

So, blogger friends, I need your help!  So far, Dr. Google has not been very helpful... what do these things mean????

I see Dr. S on Thursday of next week.... but thats soooooooooo farrrrrrrrrrrrr awayyyyyyyyyyyy

Do ANY of you know what this means.... or what possible treatments we can do to help it?

Thanks friends!!!

Praying for this?

A clotting disorder.

That is what infertility had done to me.  I am hoping and praying that my blood results come back that I have a clotting disorder, and that was the reason for my five (!) losses.  That would be understandable.  We would have a reason.  A crappy reason, but a reason.  A reason that would give us a plan of how to fix it. 

Because if not, then more then likely it is genetic. 

To be more specific, my genes.

It would mean that it is MY fault this keeps happening. 

Something in my genetic material is so screwed up that it ruins everything.

Please God, give me a clotting disorder.  That we can fix with drugs... Please.

Hopefully the blood results come back this week.  But that's me being hopeful.

It was a sad moment when it finally clicked, really clicked, that if the clotting tests came back negative, then the next best guess was my genes were messing something up, (since Trav obviously is doing fine in that area- que beautiful daughter....)

Queen Jenn

Ok, so I'm subbing today at a high school. Senior English. I hated that story, so good thing I don't have to teach it. Mercifully, their teacher left the movie for them to watch. I'm being a bad sub and messing on my phone during class, but half the kids are too, so... I justify it!
It got me thinking about a conversation Trav and I had recently. I said good thing we aren't royalty, because I'm having a hell of a time producing an heir... He calmly replied "No, YOU would have to worry". Nice. He reassured me that he didn't need an heir, but I wonder if eventually might go Henry the 8th on my butt!

Nice, someone just got beheaded... I vaguely remember that, isn't that toward the end of the story?!? I suppose I should sign off, and get ready for what's next!

Some Awards...

The Crazy Baby Mama gave me this fabulous award!  (I wonder if it comes in a size 7 1/2?)

Thank you so much!  When she awarded it to me, she called me "eloquent and insightful".  I appreciate the kind words, because most of the time I feel bitchy and hormonal (or maybe I'm bitchy because I am hormonal!)!!

I pass this award on to two of my favorite 'bloggin friends'. 

Jenicini at Trying to Get Knocked Up By Another Man

 &

Jess at Waiting on Baby Paramore

Go ahead ladies, bask in your award, and then pass it on to someone you love to read!

Jess also gave me this award!

Sorry it took me a while to post it!  Thanks friend!

Why IVF is not for us

If you are a staunch supporter of IVF *and only IFV*, stop reading.  Now.  You will probably not like what I have to say.

Saying that, two of my best friends have done IVF, (both two rounds with FET) and another one is getting ready to do FET.  I am 100% supportive of them and their decision, because it is what they chose for themselves.

However, that being said, Trav and I decided LONG ago that we wouldn't go to IVF.... we're not even sure that we'll do IUI....

Now that I have had five miscarriages, we are faced with the 'now what' question?  Since both of us have had the genetic counseling (after #4) , and on the surface checked out ok, we aren't sure if it is genetic or some other reason.  It could be either.  If we would decide to do IVF, and have the embryos genetically looked and, and decide to transfer the ones that look the best (if we are lucky enough to have that does), and our problem isn't genetic, then we have done nothing except use up $15,000.  Because, if the problem isn't genetic, then it is an issue with my body being able to carry the child, in which the IVF did nothing to help us overcome that problem. 

Another factor is money.  We do not make a ton, are you kidding me, my husband is in the military! :)  I know that there are others out there who make less then us, and decide to do IVF, that's not my argument.  Once we save the money (or take out a loan... hopefully not), we have decided how to spend it.  Some people (like my Dad) are gamblers, love to ride the stock market, in their mind, great risks equal great rewards.  Some people (like my Mom) are holders, loving safe investments, great risks equal great losses.  When it comes to us, we have decided that the risk of me being able to carry a child to term is high.  Lets be honest, I don't exactly have a great track record.... my body has failed me five times now.  Because of my lack of trust in my own body, I am not willing to spend the money on IFV, I would rather use that money to fund an adoption. 

I am an adopted child (so is my little brother).  When my husband married me, he knew we were going to adopt.  We would have one or two of our own, and adopt one or two.  There was no argument on his part, he was totally fine with it.  (However, sometimes it seems that we might be adopting all of our children!).  Our parents support this, our friends support this, but more importantly we both support each other in this- now.  It took a while, because Travis wanted to perhaps do an international adoption, to him a baby, was a baby, was a baby.  Being an adopted child myself, I always get a little giddy inside when I'm with my Mom and someone says how much we look alike, or my little brother.  Knowing full well that I DON'T really belong, the fact that someone outside our family thinks I do, is amazing.  I told Travis he would never understand it.  Period.  Unless you are adopted, I don't think you understand it.  For that reason, I wanted to pursue domestic infant adoption.  We were afraid that the cost would be SOOO much higher, but actually, we found several agencies that are the same if not lower then the international adoption.  So, it was decided, when we are ready, we know that we will use one of two adoption agencies that we have met with.

That is how we came to our decision.  If you are a friend or family member, you probably knew that we were looking at adoption, but now you know why.  If you are a blog reader, you can understand where our next steps might lead us.  If you have gone through IVF, or are planning on it, know that you will have 100% of my support and prayers.  I completely respect your decision, and truly hopes that it will give you the child that you so desperately want.

Hospitals, Surgery and Shots, oh my! *

Luckily, I didn't personally have to experience all of this, but in the last 24 hours, my family is about done with doctors and hospitals!
Yesterday morning my stepdaughter had her adenoids taken out (her Dad had them taken out when he was little too).  She was really nervous about the surgery (and the IV), so they gave her some liquid courage (I don't know what it's really called--- started with a 'v')  Oh. My. Gosh.  She was so loopy it was funny.  She kept trying to reach up and 'touch the wall, because it keeps moving'.  Suddenly her room got a whole bunch cooler, because it had 'two tvs, but they are both on the same channel... change one please".  I feel bad that we were laughing at her, but she won't remember right!   The surgery went well, actually only lasted 12 minuets, but took her a while to get out of recovery.  She is at home with her mom enjoying all the ice cream and pudding she can handle.  I'll go pick her up tonight for her to spend the rest of the weekend with us.

I had to leave the hospital before she was released to go see my Primary Care doctor.  I have been on two rounds of antibiotics and still, STILL am coughing.  It's gotten to the point that migraines have been on the fringe, so I went to go see him.  I guess maybe he's more 'old school' then I thought.  I didn't realize that doctors still gave 'shots' in their office.  It shocked me when he told me the nurse would be in to give me my shot, and then I had to fill a few prescriptions.  I still have bronchitis, but it hasn't moved into anything else. 

And for the most important doctor visit in the last 24 hours... just got home from my RE.  Dr. S first said he was so sorry that we went through this again.  He said that he would count this as a 5th miscarriage, not a chemical pregnancy. 

He began by talking about IVF.  He explained that our recurrent miscarriages might be genetic, and that if that were the case, right before they would transfer the embryos with IVF we could have them check the genetic makeup of each one, and then pick the best ones to transfer... However, he said that is additional cost.  Travis and I know that we will not do IVF.  My issues have never been GETTING pregnant, just staying pregnant.  No way are we going to write a check out for $15,000, and have me loose the pregnancy.  The only check that will be written for that much will be to an adoption agency, right before they hand me my baby...

Though Dr. S doesn't completely agree with everything that my previous doctor did, he did give him props for running every blood test imaginable... except for the Thrombophilia panel.  This deals with mostly clotting disorders, and could be a reason that I am unable to hold on to a pregnancy.  They took about 8 tubes of blood, and will call me when the results are in, probably late next week.  Until then, he told us we need to decide if we want to continue our journey.  I'm not sure, but right now I think I do.  I asked him if it was hopeless, and if we should just stop.  He said no, but that's easier for him to say, because he's looking at it medically, and he doesn't have as much 'skin in the game'.  He's not the one getting the shots, or dealing with the heartbreak like we are.

So I guess the decision will be made in the next few days of where we go from here...

* I committed a IF faux pas- thanks for pointing it out!!! IVF'rs transfer their embryos with HOPES (and prayers) that they inplant... thanks for alerting me! (I blame it on the cold medicine)

Pictures from this weekend

For Travis' annual, we went to a resort that is on a lake, about 2 hours from our house.  It wast truly gorgeous.  The best part about it was the Awards evening.  It had a sit down dinner (which was NASTY), but is a very dressy affair.  I enjoy it because, really, after you get married, you don't really have another event to get all dressed up for... unless you are a military wife!

This is a picture of the lake standing right outside our door.  The first two days we were there it was really overcast, but the morning we left, we were able to take some fun pictures. 

This is from down at the boat docks looking back up toward the resort. 

Fun times!

A note from a friend

I've been somewhat absent... party because I was sad, partly because I was out of town. My husband had a big 'retreat' that was this past weekend.  It was a combination of training and an award ceremony to celebrate all the accomplishments of the last year.

I started miscarrying on the way up there (is that what I should even call it... I was so early... but I was cramping like a mother F$&%#$, which only happens when I miscarry.... sucks that it's happened so often I know what it 'should' feel like!).  That was crappy. 

When I got up there, I got an e-mail from a bloggin' friend that said the following (she was responding to one I sent her about going out of town, and that next week we would be seeing the doctor to find out what's next):

In the mean time, get drunk, eat unpasteurized cheese, have sushi or medium rare steak, and sit in a hot tub.



Thanks S!  I did exactly what I was told... except the unpasteurized cheese.... there wasn't any in sight!

I drank (a lot) with the guys, I had a medium well done steak, I was in the hot tub daily, and last night, once we all got back home, we continued the celebrating (the guys did very well and as a group won 'Legend Status') at a Japanese Steak House where we all ate sushi!  We finished off the 'weekend of fun' at a country bar (the husband's let the wife's drink) that consisted of Bud Light and a mechanical bull!

If that's not living on the edge... I don't know what is!!! :)  So now that the 'weekend escape' is done, it's back to reality.  My step daughter has *minor* surgery on Wednesday, and we go see the doctor on Thursday to find out the infamous 'what's next'....

Until then- 

Today we remember

Today, and honestly every day, Travis and I remember our four, nope, now five losses.

Honestly, how fitting... today the cramps have begun. I can tell that my body changed with this last pregnancy, because I never have cramps like this (they are hardly even bothersome usually).... these are different cramps... like my body is being racked with grief and mourning. I might not be passing an 11 week old baby, but but for a time, it was still my baby.

Travis and I are at a resort on a lake about an hour and a half from our home. Part of it is going to be busy with conferences and awards ceremony, but hopefully for part of it we can re-group. Try to figure out what we are going to do next. Just be together.

http://www.october15th.com/

To all those couples that have endured even just one loss, my thoughts are with you on this day.  I pray for peace for all of us.

PRESIDENTIAL PROCLAMATION
OCTOBER
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members on work to prevent causes of these problems.


Health care professionals recognize that trends of recent years, such as smaller family size and postponement of childbearing, adds another dimension of poignancy to the grief of parents who have lost infants. More than 700 local, national and international support groups are supplying programs and strategies designed to help parents cope with their loss. Parents who have suffered their own losses, health care professionals and specially trained hospital staff members are helping newly bereaved parents deal constructively with loss...

The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October, as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month" and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month.

NOW, THEREFORE, I RONALD REAGAN, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-fifth day of October in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-eight and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirteenth.



Ronald Reagan
Former President
United States of America

Beta #2

I thought this was going to be a good day-- but the overcast clouds and constant rain makes the reality all that more harsh.

For a while I was pregnant.
For a while my body worked right.
For a while I could see my dreams coming true.
For a while.

Not anymore.  My beta went from 11.1 last Thursday to 3 on Monday.  That's the wrong way....

So, for now, we just wait until next Thursday, when we meet with my RE, Dr. S again.  Though I know he won't be able to tell me 'why', we were WAY to early into it... maybe he can advise us what to do next.

You know you have a good friend, when she knows you'll be drinking, and she knows that you have nothing in your house worth mixing vodka in, and she promises to be over with Cherry Vodka and Doctor Pepper...

TFP---> BFP!!!

Ok blogging friends, I've been holding out on you.  I tested early on 12dpo (Thursday) because I knew that I would be going into the doctor for this cough that will not. go. away.  Trav even supported me in testing early (and he is usually totally by the book, follow doctors orders, test on 14dpo, no exception kinda guy).  We wanted to know if we would see anything, so I could tell my doctor if I might be pregnant or not. 

That is when I got my Thin Faint Positive

My doctor ended up being out of the office for the rest of the week, so they told me to go to urgent care (awesome insurance= no copay!).  They determined that I had bronchitis... as much as they could, because they didn't want to do an x-ray.  So now I'm on antibiotics.  I took my test stick in to the doctor, and he said 'in his professional opinion, I'm pregnant'. They also did a blood test, and I found out a few hours later that I REALLY AM!

Only by a couple of days- my 1st beta was 11.1.  Very low, but I also was only 12 dpo.  Of course when I got home, Dr. Google told me that other women who were 12dpo had beta's of 143 (!).  I suddenly felt worried.  Luckily, a close girlfriend told me to "Put the computer down!" I did, but it didn't stop me from obsessing.  My RE has surgery every Thursday, so I had to talk to the other doctor in his office's nurse.  She told the nurse practitioner, who I've seen just about as much as I've seen Dr. S.  She said congratulations, but wanted me to call back tomorrow to talk to Dr. S, in case he wants me to do anything over the weekend (new drugs I'm assuming...).

I called back on Friday, and told him the number (the urgent care hadn't faxed over the results at that time) and he said congratulations!  I then turned into 'psycho patient' and asked if my numbers were low, because Dr. Google told me they were, and I just don't know what to do, and, and, and.... then he made me stop.  He said that my little one just took some time on the way down the tubes (and so that probably meant he was going to be a boy, because you know how men are, they never ask for directions...) and took some time picking his place to snuggle in.  He said I'm VERY early in my pregnancy, but that's what we knew- and that's what that number signifies.

My RE isn't worried, so I guess I shouldn't be... yeah right!  We decided to tell our parents today, so we drove up to my in-laws house.  For the last pregnancy, I told my parents first, then his Mom and StepDad, and then his Dad and StepMom, so for this one we did it in opposite order. We just got back from our trip to New Mexico, so I printed off a bunch of pictures from the trip... and put this one as the last one.

We told everyone we are excited... but cautious.  We are taking this pregnancy week by week, appointment by appointment.  Travis informed me I would get a baby shower in the delivery room!  We probably won't be that extreme, but we definitely aren't planning anything.  Anything.

We talked about it the night before we tested (and knew we were going to test the next morning) and decided that part of what hurt so much is that our plans were gone.  We were going to go shopping for 'baby stuff' on Black Friday (I lost the baby November 21st).  People were already saying all our Christmas presents were going to be 'baby related'.  Obviously, we were devastated that we lost our Sea Monkey, but we also lost the plans we had for our happy family. 

So for now, I'm 4 weeks pregnant-Today.  For now, I'm pregnant.  For now, I'm happy.  For now, I'm going to be annoying, and put the little moving bundle of cells on my page, and I'm going to let you know that my little one is the size of a poppy seed.

For now.

We'll see what happens with the beta on Monday. 

TFP?

So, as we all know I have patients that would fit on a gnats back! 

Needless to say, I tested early.

To Early?

No BFP's here... but maybe a Thin, Faint Positive?  I think that I'm reading to much into it... maybe it's just a shadow... maybe I just want to have a baby so bad, I'm beginning to see things.

Maybe.

I guess I'll just have to wait until Monday, when I go to get a Beta done from my RE.

BUT----

If I was pregnant, I would be due June 19th, 2010! 

This is going to be the Longest. Weekend. Ever.

Good thing I have pumpkin picking and a visit to my in-laws to hurry it up!  We need to pass on our 'rash' of New Mexico food stuffs.... tortillas, green Chile dip, green Chile cheddar bread.... yum!

Two Week Wait

Is almost up...
I figured out a cure for my unending urge to test early... go on vacation!  We went back home to Albuquerque to visit and go to the Balloon Fiesta.  It was awesome! 

I don't know if its because of the 13 hour drive home, or lack of sleep or what... but man am I feeling weird.  I'm so tired... and just feel off... so far today, all I've eaten is a bagel and tortillas (nothing else really sounds good). 

Tomorrow I will be 14 days past trigger... and 12 days past ovulation... and I will test early.

We shall see how that turns out.

My First Award!!

I got an award from The Crazy Baby Mama!  Thanks friend!  She gave it to me about a week ago, but I was trying to get our house hold ready to go on vacation, so I'm just now getting around to it!

The rules for accepting this award are to copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. Answers can only be one word! Pass the award to 6 of your favorite bloggers and alert them they have been awarded.

1. Where is your cell phone? charging

2.Your hair? not done

3. Your mother? best friend

4. Your father? Supportive

5. Your favorite food? Delish

6. Your dream last night? Pregnant

7. Your favorite drink? Coke (with no ice)

8. Your dream/goal? Motherhood
9. What room are you in? Bedroom
10. Your hobby? scrapbooking (sort of)
11. Your fear? Never being a mom...
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Any where Trav is
13. Where were you last night? Driving
14. Something you aren't? Patient
15. Muffins? Chocolate-Chocolate Chip
16. Wish-List Item: House Stuff
17. Where did you grow up? Albuquerque
18. Last thing you did? stretched
19. What are you wearing? PJ's
20. Your TV? Baseball :(
21. Your pets? Loveable!
22. Your friends? Amazing
23. Your life? Different then imagined
24. Your mood? Bitchy (sorry honey)
25. Missing someone? Nope, hes home right now!
26. Vehicle? Galant
27. Something you're not wearing? watch
28. Your favorite store? New York and Co.
29. Your favorite color? Purple
30. When was the last time you laughed? At Erika's
31. Last time you cried? 3 days ago
32. Your best friend? Claire
33. One place that I go over and over? Home
34. One person who emails me regularly? Mom
35. Favorite place to eat? Chinese (if it's good)

I pass it on to:

Jess at Waiting on Baby Paramore
Christa at Our Quest for Parenthood
Kelly at The Rabbit Test: Pregnancy Without the Hype
Mo at Life and Love in the Petri Dish
Maybe Baby?
No Swimmers in the Tubes

Thanks Crazy Baby Mama!!!