What day is it again?

So I don't even know what cycle day I am... how bad is that! I have taken the attitude of 'whatever' this month... I'm not going to stress. At least not for now. I know today is my last day of Clomid, so that should put me at what... day 9? I think? Thursday I go for my ultrasound to see the miracle grow worked. The trigger shot I used last cycle was one that my old doctor used, and had to go into the muscle, this one just into my fatty part of my tummy. So joy. The Clomid is not as bad this month, yet. Besides the pimples I have all over. That's yucky!

What does the future hold?

Well, according to our our fortune cookies, "The current year will bring you much happiness" and "No need to worry! You will always have everything that you need". That's good, right? RIGHT!?! Today was the baseline scan for this next cycle. Everything looks good, apparently. They kept me on 100mg of Clomid, since it made everything work last time. I start the divigel again.... joy. I had to refill most of my prescriptions, and can I just say, thank goodness for TriCare! I complain about them a lot, or at least our last base's clinic, but I take most of that back now. My monthly prescriptions: Folic Acid.......$2.99 (30 pills) Clomid............$3.00 (10- 50mg) Divigel ...........$9.00 (30 packets) Endometrin...$9.00 (4 1/2 weeks worth) Ovidrel...........$9.00 (trigger shot) Grand Total: $32.99 Now some of these last me longer then just once cycle, like the Endometrin, I only used 1/2 of what I got last cycle, so the whole prescription will get me through two cycles, same thing with the Divigel, I only used 21 last cycle, so I get to overlap these too. There is also the baby aspirin, and prenatal vitamins, but those were what... $4.00 for a thousand, ok maybe not a thousand, but close! I was just surprised at how low the cost truly was, combined with zero co-pays, we know we are lucky, and will probably become emotionally exhausted before we become financially exhausted.

Fertility Drug Makeover?

So this is what my bed stand looks like... (well who are we kidding, you all know that there is WAY more stuff on it, but I cleaned it off before this picture!) Well, since I have to insert this lovely little tablet before I go to bed and when I wake up every morning, I needed to keep it close by. Fine, my bed stand was the place, but its so, so, ugly! I figure if I'm going to have to deal with this crappy drug for at least 2 weeks every month (until I find out if I'm pregnant or not), and once I become pregnant, for the first trimester, I might as well make it look a little better! So here is my solution, not so great, but oh well, it's better then the dumb box! I'm thinking maybe tomorrow I will put some paper to block the view of the contents.... maybe...

Provera drama = Husband of the year

Oh wow... what he has gone through in the last 24 hours. Two, count them TWO total breakdowns, in the last twenty-four hours! Holy cow. I can barley handle it, I don't know how he can deal with it on the receiving end.

Lets just say the Provera has made me a bit of an emotional person. Dr. Z used to prescribe the drug to start my cycle, but he would give me a 5 day prescription, and usually two to three days after I finished the drugs, I would start. However, along with the drugs making my ovulation act different this month, so did the Provera. This time Dr. S gave me a 10 day prescription (!), and I've only been taking it for three days, and I started... ugh! I guess I will be calling Dr. S's office tomorrow to see what to do now?!? Do I get to keep taking these rollarcoaster drugs?

I think that this by far has been my worst reaction to drugs, I'm sure Trav will second that! I have no idea why they were so much worse this time, but I truly feel like I'm out of my mind. And point blank- it sucks.

I think that my husband (and probably any husband that is supporting someone through fertility treatments) should be given some sort of award. I'm not sure what would quite justify exactly how grateful I am, because it would have to be something good. For now, all I can say is I love him more and more, especially because he continues to love me through all everything. Thanks love, you have my heart forever.

So I'm ok now

I must admit, it sucks there is no baby in my tummy, but really, how many people get pregnant the first time?!? Oh wait, I guess I did, the weekend Trav came home from deployment... so I guess I have already cashed in my 'first try' baby. Oh well. There is always next month. I'm actually surprisingly better then I expected. There hasn't even been tears. Yet. But I'm on Provera, and that always throws my emotions in a blender. I actually don't see this cycle as a complete waist. Actually it helped me feel better because it showed me that my body can react to the drugs. The last two cycles haven't worked out, so the fact that this one did well is defiantly something to be thankful for. So that's my attitude, instead of being sad it didn't work to give us a pregnancy, I'm going to be happy because it worked by showing that my body can respond to the drugs. Now I'd better post this before I change my mind.

Confirmed- BFN

So it really is a BFN... confirmed by blood work. I went to volunteer for a 5K run. I'm supposed to be checking people in, and giving them their shirts/bib/timer chip. I was still trying to figure out what the sorta positive vs. very negative tests were meaning... Ah! Have no fear, one of the doctors at my OB/GYN office is a runner.... she came in before work, and asked "so we're getting close to two weeks aren't you? Have you tested yet?" Well. Dr. L, thanks for asking.... I then went on to tell her of my Wednesday test, and this morning's test, and she said that I should come in for blood work, just to check. So, after the 'morning-before-work-rush' was done, I ran over to the office, and got blood drawn. A few hours later they said that my betas showed I wasn't pregnant, and that we needed to get Aunt Flow started. Easier said then done, unless you want to wait. She kinda has her own schedule. Lucky for me, there are drugs to help her along. Joy.

BFP?

ie- Big Fat Positive... Again- sort of! I hate at home tests! Hate them! I'm going to say it right now... I won't use them again! Ohhh... who am I kidding, I will, but I still hate them. Of course, me being Mrs. Impatient, I took a 'early result' pregnancy test on Wednesday... there was a faint positive line... but faint! So this morning, Travis waited to go to the gym until I woke up and took the test. I had taken my last 'early result' test Wednesday, so I had to use just a regular one. It was negative... like really negative, no faint line, no glimmer of hope. Nothing. but a big minus sign. So what does that mean? I had a hundred things running through my head today... did I implant late, and so the sensitive test picked up low levels of HCG, but they hadn't registered high enough for the normal one? Is that even possible? What do I do now? Do I still have to take that damn Endometrin?!? (I HATE that stuff... worse that the yucky Divigel...) What to do, what to do?

Tomorrow we test!

So, they said we need to wait two weeks to test for pregnancy, and since the two weeks will be late tonight, and you are supposed to do it in the morning... we decided that he would wake me up tomorrow morning before he goes to the gym... 24 more hours... I can do this... I can be patient! I better go find something to distract me... to bad I don't have any more rooms to paint!

Private Yoga Lesson

So when I went to yoga today, I was the only one in the class... so you know what that means, PRIVATE YOGA LESSON! Our gym has 3 different yoga teachers, and this was the first time that I had been with her. She asked me what my goals were, and I told her since the Air Force is paying for our gym membership, I figured that I should take advantage of it! And since there has been 5 knee surgeries, yoga is about it! I told her we were trying to get pregnant, and she got really excited, and screamed "oh yea, we are going to do restorative yoga!" Soo... ok. It was a lot of getting into a position where your whole body was supported by props (bolsters, blankets, blocks) and then just laying there relaxing. She would put a sweet smelling eye mask on me every time, and each pose was about 5 minuets long. I'm not sure how much it helped, but it was enjoyable. However, there isn't much 'toning muscles' in this type of yoga, so I'm not sure how often it will be done in the future!

Happy Birtday Little Brother!

So my amazing little (sort of) brother turned the big 19!!! Enjoy it, it's the last of your teen years, and then it's on to 'adult hood', where you have to be responsible and stuff! 19 years ago we brought him home (after a horrible rain storm... and yes, brought, he's adopted just like me!). And 18 years ago, 50 weeks, I was ready to send him back. No joke, asked Mom and Dad if we could take him back to that place. :) I guess I missed being center of attention. However, he is one of my friends, though we have fought (literally hunh!), but I am so proud of him! He is an amazing young man, though I'm not sure he quite believes that all the time. He has a niece who ardors him, parents who love him so much, and a short sister who always wanted a 'big brother' to take care of me... he may be younger, but at this point, he will always be 'bigger'. Ben, I love you, and miss that I don't get to see you but a few times a year. You make me smile in more ways then I can count, including the bear you made for me when you were in elementary school, and I was getting ready to go to college. It was my Christmas Present, and when you 'built' it at the store, you made a wish on the felt heart, that "your sister wouldn't cry anymore.". I will forever remember that memory, and it comforts me still. In fact, 'Ben's Bear' (as he is known), has been with me through every move, and every surgery I've had. Love you little brother, hope you had a great day!

Mrs. Impatient

Ok... Mrs. Impatient shows herself again! So, I know I still need to wait four days to do a home pregnancy test, but what can I say, they were under my sink, calling my name! Good news, after 10 days, the trigger shot is out of my system, so at this point if I get a positive in a few days, its a true positive, not a 'well, could this be a false positive?". So that's what I discovered... it takes me ten days. Now, I only have to wait 5 more before I can do my next test.

Progesterone Level

Well, just got off the phone with Dr. S's nurse. They did the blood test on Tuesday, and were calling with the results. My Progesterone Level is 28, so apparently NO QUESTION of if I ovulated... I guess anything over 10 signals it. So now we just continue waiting, until Thursday, but who am I kidding! I am so inpatient, I'll probably do a home test on Tuesday, or Wednesday, or maybe all three days! I did make sure to get the 'economy pack' with three tests! So... to keep my mind off things, I think that I will wash the dogs, which is a half day event (especially when you try to squeeze a Great Dane into a stand up shower!) Actually, it only takes about an hour, but then there is the hair clean up, and the towels to wash, and the nails to trim, and the ears to clean, I'm thinking I better get started. Trav doesn't have long day today, so I think we will go see the new movie "The Goods". Anyway, I think that's what it's called, about the car lot. Looks really funny. I'll give you a review tomorrow.

Yoga Kicked my butt...

So, yoga... is supposed to be relaxing right? HA! I got my butt kicked! I figured it out, it is very strenuous exercise, done very slowly. I did it in college, but lets just say I've lost some flex ability since then... and I was the YOUNGEST person in the class. AUGH! I am already sore. Hopefully this will get better. I'm going to go take a bath I think. It's interesting, that since we know when conception occurred (or within a day or so), I have been uber-sensitive to every little feeling down there. My ovaries are no longer sore, it had been bad, where I couldn't sleep on my stomach. However, every cramp, or anything hits my radar. I hate this two week waiting thing... as of tonight, we have one week left. I have a feeling this is going to be a LONG week.

I'm Selfish

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure don't deserve me at my best."

~Marilyn Monroe

This could have been straight from my mouth... and it made me realize that out of anyone in the world, my husband deserves me more then anyone! Unfortunately, with all the infertility treatments, and the drugs, the worst side of me has been making an appearance... hopefully it's all over soon, and I'm grateful that he loves me even when I'm like that.

Bloodwork

So, after faking myself out on Sunday, the nurse had a good laugh with me today! What can I say, when you want to get pregnant, logic FLYS out the window!!! Well, they wanted me to come in either today or tomorrow, so being the Mrs. Impatient that I am, I went today. They are going to check my progesterone to make sure I really ovulated. I'll get the results back by Friday. Besides me being impatient, I had another good reason, tomorrow I have an appointment to get my hair cut! I know, for most normal people, this wouldn't cause this much joy, but I have a good reason. When we first moved to our last base, there was a hair stylist, who I met by a fluke, and fell in love with. He is affectionately known as Gay Michael... Yes, that's how he is know, because if you say to someone, "Oh I'm going to get highlights done tonight by Michael", the response is "Gay Michael?" Ok, ok, it's a small town, but we all love him! Well, about 2 years ago he moved away... far far away.... to far to justify continuing to see him. However, he made a re-appearance last April for our local Relay for Life event, and was gracious enough to cut 12 inches off my hair for Locks of Love. Since then I've been growing it back out, but lately have been thinking about getting some bangs... however haven't quite been brave enough. Well, since we moved to our new home, he now is at a salon only about 30 min away, which is totally acceptable!! YEA! So tomorrow I'm reunited with my hairstylist and friend. And who knows, maybe I'll come back with bangs! I told Travis that I made an appointment like 3 weeks ago (yes... I have waited 2 years for this, and then he is OUT OF TOWN for two weeks... augh!) and his only question was 'So how much is this going to cost us?" Before I answered I set it up like this: Because he is military, he must keep his hair within regs, so usually that means a hair cut every 2 weeks. Haircut= $11.00, $14.00 w/ tip... So monthly, he spends about $28.00, everyone following? I am horrible about getting my hair cut, in fact my last one was in April, and before that it was in December... so what every 4 months I get a hair cut?!? In that same amount of time, he spends about $110.00 on hair cuts... because of that reason alone, I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR MY $40.00 HAIRCUT THAT I GET EVERY FOUR MONTHS! I guess tomorrow I will post pictures if I decide to get bangs... because Gay Michael is the ONLY one around here I would trust to do them for me! As for the fake out mentioned privously, I'm on day 6 of my two weeks waiting... this is going to be a long two weeks.

FALSE POSITIVE?

WHO KNEW!?!?!? Now, I've heard of false negatives, but a false positive!?! UGH... I guess it shows how much I really don't understand my body. I knew that Tuesday I needed to go in for blood work. So far, most of my blood work done at an RE's office is done to see if I'm pregnant, so that's what I assumed it was for. Ummm... no, evidently its to check my progesterone, to see if I actually ovulated (which the nurse said they were 95% positive I did...). So, before I found this out, I figured, hey, lets take a home pregnancy test (HPT) on Sunday (I know, I'm inpatient). Well, it was positive, though we weren't putting much hope on it. While we were at church, I was thinking, I wonder if those drugs could have affected the test. Umm... yep! The HPT's detect if you have HCG in your system... HCG is what is in the 'trigger' shot, to make me ovulate, so surprise- IT'S IN MY SYSTEM! haha... easy to laugh about it now, because I really should have know better, and used logic. So here is the logical brain of me- (googled helped fill in some spots!) Trigger shot was Wednesday, conception would have been Thursday night, what was I thinking that could even begin test THREE DAYS LATER! Oh well, the nurse said that after fourteen days the HCG from the shot would be out of my system, so if there was a positive test then, its baby HCG, not trigger shot HCG... So, the countdown begins- 10 days until I can take another HPT.

Shots...

So after this mornings ultrasound to figure out if the DF kept growing, the discussion turned to the trigger shot. We had never gotten to this point in any of the cycles before, so this was hallowed ground, sort of. I've always had the attitude of take as much from me (ie-blood) but not so much a fan of putting stuff in me (ie-shots). Needles don't bother me, as long as I don't have to watch it. They had to do blood work to see if my lh had already started to surge, and then decide on when I should do the shot. Dr. S said that we could take Trav's schedule into consideration. Once the blood work came back, the nurse called me and said I needed to trigger within 6 hours. It was just before noon, so we figured to do it right away so that 36 hours later would be just before midnight on my birthday (what a great present this could be)! Since we were triggering during office hours, Travis was much relieved that the nurse let me come back so she could give it to me, and he didn't have to. My hip/butt is kinda sore, but I guess at this point we're just counting down 36 hours... Dr. S has added more drugs, I think I need to get one of those little 'weekly' pill cases. Daily I do the folic acid, low-dose aspirin, prenatal vitamin, and the yucky Divigel (it will forever be know as that, until something yuckier comes along). Joy!

The Miracle Grow worked

So Trav has NO desire to learn about all the drugs that I'm taking on a monthly basis. It usually comes down to two questions for him, what does it do? (why are you taking it?) and will it make you mean? With Dr. Z I was on Femera, and Dr. S has me on Clomid, but either way, same affect. It is know as 'miracle grow' at our house. Well, hot dang!, it worked this month. Today I had my ultrasound and my DF size is 16mm! YEA! I go back on Wednesday to see if continues to grow, and if so, then I get my trigger shot. Grow baby Grow!