Tuesday, March 1, 2011

In a Word


I did it for two months, November and December of last year.  And then my world fell apart, and I fell of the face of the world.

To get back in the grove of things, I"m going to try it again for March.  The theme for NaBloPoMo this month is "In a Word". 

I'm not sure how this will turn out, but i figured I'd develop 'my take' on it within the first week.

On a completely unrelated topic, I have the best readers ever.  You're comments on my "Discussions" post were amazing. You were so insightful, honest, loving, and compassionate.  But most importantly... you made me feel less alone in the way I was feeling.

I find that IF segregates you.  People know our story, or the basics of it.  But not many know how lonesome it makes me. 

I know lots of people with successful, wonderful adoptions. 
But no one that has experienced a failed match.

I know several people who have miscarried.
But no one that has miscarried six times.

Those are two huge parts to our story, and I don't know anyone else with a story like ours. 

The only other person who has my story, is my husband.  Together, we often go alone to our thoughts and longing to have a family.  No one else understands it completely.  No one knows why we continued with treatments until we all the sudden yelled 'Enough!", and quit suddenly.  No one knows how instantly we loved that little boy, and how our heart hurt.  Because how do you explain that to someone?  You can't.  So, he and I wrestle with these emotions.  Alone.

In a word, today I feel ALONE. 


  1. Aww Jenn. I hate that feeling. I've felt it many times before and can appreciate that your story, is also isolating.

    All I can offer you is hugs and hugs. Swear words when you need them and a joint punching bag to share.

    I won't try to tell you that the sun will shine again one day. And that life will work out great. I'm just here. Always here.

  2. I know what you mean... I know many people who have lost children, but very few who can say they have lost 7 (4 1st tri miscarriages and 3 2nd tri live births in the teen weeks that ended in death). We had tried to do foster care twice before and those attempts busted (we were taking care of my dad at the time). I'm happy that I have Bobby and Maya, but in no way does that feel like a "happy ending". It's solace but my heart still hurts.

    Sending hugs...

  3. Are you a member of the AAdoptions group on Yahoo? You could find other folks there who have been through the failed adoption experience.

    Kathy W

  4. You're right that I don't know what it is like. I am sorry you're feeling so lonely right now and that you have gone through so much pain. I am thinking of you as always and you're in my prayers!

  5. I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely right now, but I hope you can find comfort in that a lot of people share parts of your story in their own life, so you are not alone in that respect. Good luck with NaBlPoMo in March, maybe posting more will help you to work through being sad..

  6. I can imagine why you are feeling lonely, you're right there probably aren't people out there who have traveled the path you have.
    I can't imagine 6 losses and a failed match (especially after meeting him).
    I am praying for you and your husband to be matched with your forever kiddo and SOON!!!!

  7. you are right...alone. we are all going through a similar journey, but despite how similar, they are different and that is what makes it our own. It makes us have our feelings, thoughts and emotions. Just know, that even though you are 'alone' in your exact experiences, we/I am here for you every step of the way to help support you :)

  8. I'm sorry you feel alone right now and hope that you continue to find support in your husband who is alone with you. I don't know what you are going through as our journey's are dissimilar, but I hope you feel supported from afar.

    Good luck with a post a day over the next month. I don't know how you find the time to post everyday, but I look forward to your posting.