Monday, March 21, 2011


Over the past few months, this blog got very real.  It turned from a 'this is what cycle day I'm on, these are the injections I'm doing, this was the beta number', into something much deeper.  Granted, there was emotion at every point in the trip so far, but I feel like it was mostly actions, and some emotion.  Since we have pursued adoption, once the packets were turned in, it very little action (it seems most everything is out of our control), but a whole heap of emotion. 

My friends will tell you nothing different.  My husband mentioned that he doesn't always like that I 'put it all out there', and I completely understand.  He's always been reserved, and mostly doesn't give a shit what other people think about him.  What can I say, opposites attract!  I wear my heart on my sleeve and you can tell by my face what my emotions are.  I tried to explain that to me, there is not much difference in how much I share, a year ago, everyone knew when I had an appointment with 'wandy', and how bad it stung when I gave myself an injection, and the hope (rising betas), and sorrow (falling betas) that we found so frequently. 

I've been pondering this for the last few weeks, and contemplating on how to go about addressing this issue.  I didn't know how to do it, but found someone who wrote about very similar things, and did it beautifully.  Seriously?! has been an amazing friend, as we both travel through our own adoption journey.  The rest of this post are HER words.  I've taken out parts that aren't relevant, and if I add anything onto her words, I'll put my opinion in purple.  As I read her post, I kept shaking my head up and down.  I KNOW I can't write it any better, so I took hers...

While the blog has been a great information piece for those who do not have day to day contact with me, it has also been a bit of a stinger. I find that sometimes people try to find themselves in my posts and it leads to anxiety for them or creates dissonance in our relationship, because of what they interpret me to be saying. The last thing I want is my supportive friendships to feel that they have not supported me, when in fact, they have. And I rarely distinguish people, and if I do, they only know because they lived it with me. Interpretation is very tricky.

I started to really think hard about this when I was having some difficult 'exchanges' with people in my life, about this blog and my 'voice'.  I wondered if just maybe I needed this space to also off load some of the challenges I've faced along the way. That includes experiences and people that I come into contact with, in my real life. I found that I was starting to censor various posts; something I feel wasn't being authentic to my experience.

And sometimes, people use the blog as their only way of assessing 'how I am'. That has most certainly been the case. Hence I'm asking them not to read it anymore. So that has become a problem as I try to explain to them that I really am 'ok'.  I opened up my blog for the first time on my facebook page with a link to the three days surrounding the birth of the little boy in December.  We were going to share our story with random high schoolers, but I realized those that had supported us the most during that time had not heard the full story, because at the time, we could barely tell it. 

The thing is, to the non-baby challenged world, this whole journey of mine is completely abstract and unknown. I've really bared my soul here. I've let it all go in the sense of healing. This blog has become a huge source of therapy for me, and I'm very thankful for that.  I told my husband that I could keep my blog, or he could pay thousand for therapy, it was his choice.  The friendships and support I've gotten from my readers have been invaluable during the times of happiness, and devastation.

I honestly thought, that in starting this blog, that it was going to be about my SUCCESSFUL pregnancy. I thought that people could just pop over and see how great I was doing. I had no idea that things would end tragically...again (and again, and again, and again)...and that I would be doing the same old song and dance that I was used to. So, because of that, it opened up those wounds that nobody really had an idea about. And for some, it may have been too much. And in hindsight, in the 'real' world, I may not have shared such intimate details with certain people.

While I believe in education whole-heartedly...of course, I do think that this blog has opened the eyes of many who have not had any experience with miscarriage or infertility. And I'm very proud to have been a true, raw voice for that.  Granted, I hate to compare 'grief', but as a close friend stated, there are differences between loosing one pregnancy and six.  I hate it, but there are.  I injected thousands of dollars worth of drugs, had countless procedures and tests done, and that is very different then someone who has lost a single pregnancy, and then gone on to have successful ones.  I'm sorry, I know a loss is a loss, but for me, it's not.

But I also wonder if maybe I should have just opened myself up only to the ALI community. For those who don't know what that means, it refers to the Adoption, Loss, and Infertile world of women and men who have come into this particular situation; one that some still struggle in and one that some have triumphed in. And by triumphed, I mean those who have achieved a successful pregnancy and/or adoption. AND those who have made peace with choosing to live child-free, because they (I have to assume here) wanted to take control of their lives again and leave the losses, the treatments, the BFNs, and monthly disappointment behind.

I find that in the ALI world, my voice is really valued, encouraged, and empathized with. I don't have to explain all of the ups and downs, because they get it. And I don't have to shield my anxiety around my sadness or fear of an upcoming event or 'death' anniversary. And in particular, worrisome events or social gatherings that may hurt a 'real life' friend's feelings who is reading the blog.

While anyone who knows me, knows that I've always spoken my mind and want to share with others the torment so many of us ALI girls have experienced. But, being 'somewhat public' has most certainly been a very slippery slope at times.

This blog is precious to me. It is such a special and cherished part of my heart and soul. It's moved, as I have, over time. It's sang out my victories and it's always cried out my woes. And I want to be able to continue to do that in a 'safe' and uncensored forum.

I refuse to make my blog private.  I have 162 followers who followed me before I posted my blog on facebook.  These people found me because they found a connection to me, to us.  To our story. Those who accept my journey, offer support not judgment, and to those women, and most likely the majority of, the ALI community. Because helping them and sharing my voice with those women has been incredibly comforting and rewarding. 

I want to speak freely and openly about my experience. I don't want to be judged by those who don't see me or interact with me on a daily basis. Specifically those who think that what I'm doing here, is just 'too much'.

It may be too late for this. Or it may not. I guess I'm in control of what I decide to do here. It's just something that I've been thinking a lot about lately. While I don't want to lose the many great connections I have made here, and I also still want to continue to share with others the struggles and challenges that Recurrent Pregnancy Loss, Stillbirth, and Adoption pose, I just want to be 'me'. I need to remain authentic during this journey.

If you don't want to know this much about me, don't read.  It's a simple as that.  Delete the bookmark, take me off your reader.  Because for me, this is my story, my perspective.  There are plenty of people who can be supportive of that.  If you can't, or won't, you can leave.  I feel no differently about you then I feel about the anti-adoption commenter's. 


  1. I loved reading that post, it was very beautifully put. You are brutally honest and I enjoy reading your blog. I wish you all the best on your adoption journey.

  2. I love this post and it is all so true! Here for you whenever you need it :)

  3. "I'm sorry, I know a loss is a loss, but for me, it's not." I completely agree with you. It is so different for RPLers. Thanks for phrasing that so well in that paragraph.

  4. I hope others can see your soul here the way all the ALI women can.

  5. Wow, I feel so honoured and EMPOWERED because you shared this post AND that you and I feel the same way. I haven't posted since, just waiting for the feedback.

    I like what you've written at the end. And I think that perhaps my blog needs a new disclaimer before I continue on.

    Thank you for sharing this and staying united with me and the rest of 'us'. It really is a strength like no other!


  6. Good for you for sticking to your guns!

  7. Your strength and resolve is an inspiration. I don't know how you survive what you have survived. Just thinking about it puts a pit in my stomach. But you're still here, kicking and screaming.

    Good luck!

  8. great post! the ALI community is so great.