Vacation!

Looking back, we haven't had a vacation, a just for us-no family-no military- vacation since our honeymoon, which was six years ago. 

I'm happy to announce, that is going to change.  Soon.  Very soon.

We don't know where we are going.

We don't know when we are going. (Well, really there are only two weeks that I can go because we have 'online meetings' of my class).

I'm thinking some place warm  (not snowy mid Missouri!),  with sand.

And some place that has military bases near by for lodging. 

We started looking at airline tickets last night.

Today, we talked about if we should take his daughter with us.  On one had, it would be a lot of fun to do a family vacation, and as he said "so she doesn't have to wait until she's 22 to see the ocean like I did", however, we would both really love to go by ourselves, and enjoy each other....

I think in the end we've decided that it will be just us, and we plan to enjoy every second!

Any suggestions on where to go?

Back to work

So... Spring Break is over, headed to work, and I walk out to this.  Really?

Spring Break

There is something terribly wrong when the last two days of my spring break has high temperatures of 36*. 

Seriously? 

Luckily, I got some good outdoor projects done before the cold weather came in.

I helped my friend
     build her two 4x8 foot raised beds.
     fix her back steps (one board broke through, and the others were rotting).
     put a cat door in her laundry room door (keeps the kids out, but the cats can go in to the litter box!)
    
A friend from church brought over a 10ft ladder one day on his way home from work, and as he and Trav shot the breeze, I was able to edge our office.  It has high ceilings, and I never was able to 'really' cut it in when I painted it last summer... It's amazing how an hour worth of edging makes SUCH a big difference! 

My step daughters birthday is coming up, and as part of her present, we are getting her a new bike.  She has outgrown the one she has, but loves to bike.  Trav and her went walking on a nice path, and they would love to bike... me... not so much.  I haven't ridden a bike in over 15 years, and whoever says that once you learn, you don't forget is full of c-r-a-p!  I rode up and down the isles of the store, and was VERY shaky.  I found two bikes I like, both of them are 'comfort' ones, they shift gears and have the hand breaks, but have the wider seat of a cruiser.  Of course the one that I liked better was $70.00 more... so needless to say, since I'm not completely overjoyed at getting a bike and having to actually bike, I got the cheaper one.

That said... if we were going to get three new bikes, we needed some space in the garage!  I spent almost a whole day cleaning, re-organizing, moving stuff inside, shifting stuff up to the attic, vacuuming, bug spraying, and more!

I was supposed to 'finish' some projects, but I'm not sure that I did... I started sanding the dresser I had bought in December for the little boy, but beyond sanding it down, there isn't much more I can do, because I don't know if it will be going into our son's or daughter's room.   (side-note: story on the dresser- I have gained a fine affection for wood, either boards that I can build, or furniture that I can refinish.  I was looking on craigslist (I have a love/hate relationship with that site!) and found a 6 drawer dresser that looked good.  I showed it to Trav, and told him if it wasn't sold in the morning when I called, I was going to buy it.  I'm not sure he completely believed me... but by 10am, I was $25.00 lighter, and it was in our garage!  It was a SOLID maple, dove tailed, dresser... for $25.00!  Are you kidding me!  It needed to be refinished, which was fine, because that's what I wanted to do anyway).



   

Two Week Wait

Now that we are pursuing adoption, and have all but given up on fertility treatments, the two week wait is a foreign idea to me.  I don't worry about it, I don't know what cycle day I'm on, that's not part of my vocabulary anymore.  However, I DO remember how nerve wracking it was.  Every twinge, every pain, every symptom, overanalyzed. 

I have a dear friend, BMar, who is going through her first two week wait.... go over and wait with her!  She's new to the blogging world, and I know she follows a lot of you all, so say hello while you're there!'

Cloudy With A Chance of Infertility

Dogwoods

One of the best things about living here are the dogwoods.  In our "forever home" we will have several in our yard... But until then I will enjoy them in everyone elses yard as I drive around town!

Conclusions...

Over the past few months, this blog got very real.  It turned from a 'this is what cycle day I'm on, these are the injections I'm doing, this was the beta number', into something much deeper.  Granted, there was emotion at every point in the trip so far, but I feel like it was mostly actions, and some emotion.  Since we have pursued adoption, once the packets were turned in, it very little action (it seems most everything is out of our control), but a whole heap of emotion. 

My friends will tell you nothing different.  My husband mentioned that he doesn't always like that I 'put it all out there', and I completely understand.  He's always been reserved, and mostly doesn't give a shit what other people think about him.  What can I say, opposites attract!  I wear my heart on my sleeve and you can tell by my face what my emotions are.  I tried to explain that to me, there is not much difference in how much I share, a year ago, everyone knew when I had an appointment with 'wandy', and how bad it stung when I gave myself an injection, and the hope (rising betas), and sorrow (falling betas) that we found so frequently. 

I've been pondering this for the last few weeks, and contemplating on how to go about addressing this issue.  I didn't know how to do it, but found someone who wrote about very similar things, and did it beautifully.  Seriously?! has been an amazing friend, as we both travel through our own adoption journey.  The rest of this post are HER words.  I've taken out parts that aren't relevant, and if I add anything onto her words, I'll put my opinion in purple.  As I read her post, I kept shaking my head up and down.  I KNOW I can't write it any better, so I took hers...


While the blog has been a great information piece for those who do not have day to day contact with me, it has also been a bit of a stinger. I find that sometimes people try to find themselves in my posts and it leads to anxiety for them or creates dissonance in our relationship, because of what they interpret me to be saying. The last thing I want is my supportive friendships to feel that they have not supported me, when in fact, they have. And I rarely distinguish people, and if I do, they only know because they lived it with me. Interpretation is very tricky.


I started to really think hard about this when I was having some difficult 'exchanges' with people in my life, about this blog and my 'voice'.  I wondered if just maybe I needed this space to also off load some of the challenges I've faced along the way. That includes experiences and people that I come into contact with, in my real life. I found that I was starting to censor various posts; something I feel wasn't being authentic to my experience.

And sometimes, people use the blog as their only way of assessing 'how I am'. That has most certainly been the case. Hence I'm asking them not to read it anymore. So that has become a problem as I try to explain to them that I really am 'ok'.  I opened up my blog for the first time on my facebook page with a link to the three days surrounding the birth of the little boy in December.  We were going to share our story with random high schoolers, but I realized those that had supported us the most during that time had not heard the full story, because at the time, we could barely tell it. 


The thing is, to the non-baby challenged world, this whole journey of mine is completely abstract and unknown. I've really bared my soul here. I've let it all go in the sense of healing. This blog has become a huge source of therapy for me, and I'm very thankful for that.  I told my husband that I could keep my blog, or he could pay thousand for therapy, it was his choice.  The friendships and support I've gotten from my readers have been invaluable during the times of happiness, and devastation.

I honestly thought, that in starting this blog, that it was going to be about my SUCCESSFUL pregnancy. I thought that people could just pop over and see how great I was doing. I had no idea that things would end tragically...again (and again, and again, and again)...and that I would be doing the same old song and dance that I was used to. So, because of that, it opened up those wounds that nobody really had an idea about. And for some, it may have been too much. And in hindsight, in the 'real' world, I may not have shared such intimate details with certain people.

While I believe in education whole-heartedly...of course, I do think that this blog has opened the eyes of many who have not had any experience with miscarriage or infertility. And I'm very proud to have been a true, raw voice for that.  Granted, I hate to compare 'grief', but as a close friend stated, there are differences between loosing one pregnancy and six.  I hate it, but there are.  I injected thousands of dollars worth of drugs, had countless procedures and tests done, and that is very different then someone who has lost a single pregnancy, and then gone on to have successful ones.  I'm sorry, I know a loss is a loss, but for me, it's not.

But I also wonder if maybe I should have just opened myself up only to the ALI community. For those who don't know what that means, it refers to the Adoption, Loss, and Infertile world of women and men who have come into this particular situation; one that some still struggle in and one that some have triumphed in. And by triumphed, I mean those who have achieved a successful pregnancy and/or adoption. AND those who have made peace with choosing to live child-free, because they (I have to assume here) wanted to take control of their lives again and leave the losses, the treatments, the BFNs, and monthly disappointment behind.

I find that in the ALI world, my voice is really valued, encouraged, and empathized with. I don't have to explain all of the ups and downs, because they get it. And I don't have to shield my anxiety around my sadness or fear of an upcoming event or 'death' anniversary. And in particular, worrisome events or social gatherings that may hurt a 'real life' friend's feelings who is reading the blog.

While anyone who knows me, knows that I've always spoken my mind and want to share with others the torment so many of us ALI girls have experienced. But, being 'somewhat public' has most certainly been a very slippery slope at times.

This blog is precious to me. It is such a special and cherished part of my heart and soul. It's moved, as I have, over time. It's sang out my victories and it's always cried out my woes. And I want to be able to continue to do that in a 'safe' and uncensored forum.

I refuse to make my blog private.  I have 162 followers who followed me before I posted my blog on facebook.  These people found me because they found a connection to me, to us.  To our story. Those who accept my journey, offer support not judgment, and to those women, and most likely the majority of, the ALI community. Because helping them and sharing my voice with those women has been incredibly comforting and rewarding. 

I want to speak freely and openly about my experience. I don't want to be judged by those who don't see me or interact with me on a daily basis. Specifically those who think that what I'm doing here, is just 'too much'.

It may be too late for this. Or it may not. I guess I'm in control of what I decide to do here. It's just something that I've been thinking a lot about lately. While I don't want to lose the many great connections I have made here, and I also still want to continue to share with others the struggles and challenges that Recurrent Pregnancy Loss, Stillbirth, and Adoption pose, I just want to be 'me'. I need to remain authentic during this journey.

If you don't want to know this much about me, don't read.  It's a simple as that.  Delete the bookmark, take me off your reader.  Because for me, this is my story, my perspective.  There are plenty of people who can be supportive of that.  If you can't, or won't, you can leave.  I feel no differently about you then I feel about the anti-adoption commenter's. 

Damn *Updated*

This is what happens to your necklace when....
You go lay on the bed to have your husband rub your back
You take off your necklace for him to rub your neck.
You flip over for him to rub your knee (don't judge, after 5 knee surgeries, it feels good).
You get cold and pull a corner of the comforter over you.
You get up, and change the sheets of the bed. 
You take the duvet cover off to wash it too.
You remember a day later, when you feel your neck and realize its missing.
You scour the carpet, bedding, and washer, and are grateful you found it.
But.... Now for the untangling.
Trav bought this for me for my 21st birthday, when we were still dating.  I have worn it probably 355 days a year since then...
I would be lost without it!
 *** Updated: Luckily, it's more of a square chain, not the traditional chain most necklaces are... only took me about 10 minuets to get it undone! It's safely back around my neck!!! Had it been the other 'knotty type', a trip to the jeweler would have been on the 'to do' list tomorrow!****

Taxes

Taxes.  What is there to say?  Some people hate them, some people love them, meh- I could go either way depending on what part of the step in doing them we are on.

I do a majority of the record keeping (not just for taxes, I'm a filing WIZ! seriously, it's a talent!), so I'm in charge of getting together all the documents.

Pretty fair deal, because Travis makes most of the money! 

This year, I had been reading around on the adoption tax credit.  I learned that you could now take the credit on failed adoptions, and found the detailed way to do it when filing your return.

I talked to my friend who is a tax professional, and she said yes, indeed, the fees, the postage, the meals, the travel, the flowers, it was all related to that little boy, who was born on December 30th. She said we had every right to say the adoption failed on December 31st, when the birthparents asked us to leave the hospital.

It wasn't easy, I spent several hours on the phone with our tax software (H.&.R Block- online).  It's free for military at Militaryonesource.com.  So, it's what we use.  They told me how to get around their 'glitch', and I was reassured that it would work, and there were already several comments that had been escalated about the 'glitch' in dealing with failed adoptions (you had to enter a SSN, but with a failed match, you never get one- you have to put in 123-45-6789, and then white it out when you print it out.)

But- I got it done.  We sent it off, and wondered, if it was really true.  Would we really be able to use the credit for our failed match. 

It was true.  We got all the money we spent, which was more then we realized when we added it all up. 

A huge blessing, in the midst of heartache, there was a blessing that will help us fund our next adoption. 

Petri Dish

Seriously... You would think I would have a better immune system, as many times as I was sick my first year of teaching.  But, apparently not.

I'm sick.  Again.

Granted, my cough is mostly gone, so that is a blessing.

Tuesday night, my throat was a bit scratchy, and when I woke up at 2 am, holy cow- I could barely swallow.

I had an appointment anyway yesterday, as a follow up for the cough, so I went in.  I thought 3:00 would never come!  My doctor gave me an antiviral, and a 3 day z pack, so I don't get anything else.

I slept most of the morning yesterday, got up about 2 and took a shower, and then went to my appointment and got the prescription.  When I got home, Trav was already home, and I climbed in bed because he was watching something on HBO (we only get HBO in our bedroom, not in the living room?!?).  I ended up falling asleep again, but woke up about 6:30 and made dinner.  After dinner, I had a nice hot bath, and then fell asleep to Travis rubbing my neck and shoulders, where I was most achy. 

So though he calls me a germ monster and my new title of being a petri dish, I love him, because he always makes me feel better, especially when I'm sick.

Second grade

Did you know that when talking about many fish of the same species, you say "three fish", but when talking about several species of fish, you say "three fishes".  I learned something today!  However, it was very akward saying fishes for me....

The things you learn when subbing in a second grade classroom!

Thunderstorms

Nothing better on a "spring forward" Sunday then a thunderstorm to lull me into my afternoon nap!

Building the Raised Beds

Today was beautiful!  Seventy and sunny... just the way I like it!

Last year we had several attempts at improving our yard.  We bought a foreclosure, but it was the builder who went under, so no one ever lived in our house.  So no one ever took care of the yard.  The front, at some point was sodded, because it's in the neighborhood covenants, but you could hardly tell.  We fertilized it with a weed killer.  I'm happy to report, the crabgrass is dead, the clover is gone... but there are these three different types of weeds still there.  Overall, our grass looks like C-R-A-P.  You see dead crab grass, tufts of real grass, dirt from where we killed the weeds off last year.

Yesterday, we pulled out a TON of rocks, some small, some rather large.  Man, there were so many more we could have dug out, but we called it good.

We have come up with a plan

Week 1:  Weed Killer (this weekend)

Week 2:  Nothing

Week 3:  De-thatching

Week 4: Overseeding with started fertilizer

That's the plan- we'll see how it works.  Hopefully by the end of the summer we'll have a healthy looking yard!

In other yard news... we started building the raised beds.  We started with the 16' x 4' bed.

Sub job

Wondering if taking a sub job today at an alternitive high scholl for pregnant and new moms was a good idea...
It is only a four hour assignment, and it was at an unusual time, so I was able to get my lesson in the.morning for my grad class, but still work a half day.
Almost done, and then I'm off to enjoy the beautiful weekend, and hopefully get some of the raised beds built!

Projects

So, I'm taking another grad class.  It's once a week (Monday- those classes are the worst!).  The nice thing about Grad school is no midterms, no finals.  The bad thing about no tests, is that your grade is all based on one or two projects. 

One of them is a literacy project, and I am going back to a 4th grade class that I know very well.  At the beginning of this school year, I was a long term sub for a 4th grade class.  There was another 4th grade class in our building, and we did a lot of lesson planning together.  She and I became pretty good friends, and is letting me do my 'project' on her kids.  Because of the end of the year test prep, everything else has been squished... so my 2 day lesson has been stretched over the week.

Serioulsy, they crack me up.  One of our words was 'demonstration'.  They came up with a definition that was along the lines of showing someone how to do something when in our context was for protest.  What normally happens is they write the definition in their reading logs, and draw a mental picture.  Then as we are reading the story out loud, when we find a vocab word, we re-read the sentence, but instead of reading the vocab word, we insert the definition.

When we got to 'demonstration' in the book, someone wanted me to read the sentence with 'showing someone how to do something' instead of the other one...

It's like the literacy god's were against me, it worked perfectly in that sentence... they all kinda giggled, because they knew I had been had. 

Smart little shits.

Priorties

How do you determine priorities?  I know for me, it is sometimes whatever is the most pressing.

Assignment due tomorrow, it's at the top of the list.
Dogs need more food, better get it after work.
New garden idea- google it for hours and come up with a plan.

Recently, I've made an extra effort to make my marriage a priority. It seemed that so often, we would float around in our house, and I was aware Trav was in the next room, but that was it.  Or, very often, when I got upset (which most of the time was me taking something he said the wrong way), I would pout.   And let me tell you, I could pout for hours.  Even if he apologized, and explained what he really meant, it didn't matter.  I pouted. 

I guess I've just realized how busy we've become.  We both are taking college classes, training for a 5k and 10k (at different times of the day), we work, we volunteer.  The hours that we are home together have gotten more and more slim. 

So, instead of pouting, and waisting 3 hours that I'm with him being upset, I've tried to 'get over it' faster, so I can enjoy being with him. 

I cherish our tv dates (tosh.o, The Office, and Southland).

And even though he snores, loving that he pulls me close and holds me as we fall asleep.

We have become my priority, and I really love that.


But I guess when also talking about priorities, I question what other's are.  It makes me wonder about why they made that choice.  Why did they buy that car? or house? Why did they quit that job?  Why did they wait so long to call?  Why did they move?  Why did they write that post?

And some things, I just don't understand. 

Exhaustion

Between my husbands head cold, the dogs sleeping/snoring/dreaming, and my restless legs I feel like I was up all night.

Really I was only awake until about 2:45am.  So that wasn't all night.  Just most of it.

I tired to take a nap this afternoon, but never got to sleep, and felt worse when I actually got out of bed.

So today, in a word, is exhaustion.

Tomorrow will be better. 

Recalculating

I feel like sometimes, my best made plans come undone.

And then I have to recalculate....




So today, in a word, is re-cal-cu-lat-ing...

My garden

This is the start to my garden, all the paperwork from todays class!

Gardening?

Travis is sick.

I reminded him that I've been coughing for 13 weeks.  I don't have much sympathy for his overall condition, though I feel bad for him.

I appreciated that even though he was sick, he still came with me to a local nursery for a raised bed gardening seminar.

We I am really excited to do it this summer, and he's mostly just along for the ride....

I've already started sketching my plans, and googled the shit out of  any terms that could be related to raised bed gardening.  I've found several great sites, and have modified my initial thoughts.

We have a fairly large back yard, so I'm thinking of doing a 'vegteable bed' that is 4' x 16', and a 'fruit/herb bed' that will be 4' x 8'. 
If any of you have any great ideas, or tips, or tricks... please, pass them on!


Growing up we always had a garden, and we HATED 'weed duty'.  My brother and I each had to weed for 1/2 an hour during the summer... something about making us 'enjoy the outdoors' or something.  I would beg, plead, bargain, and trade everyone else chores to get out of it.  My Mom eventually laughed, because I was doing 1-2 hours worth of chores inside to get out of the 1/2 hour outside.  Ya.  That was me.  The girl who hated outside.  Really, not much has changed, but I've got some more gusto for outdoor activities when it's related to our house... I've built a fence, I've cleaned mortar off bricks, I've mowed the grass.  So, I'm thinking this will be the same type of thing... I'll have more ownership.  Maybe?

I attempted it once before in our last house.  It was the summer my husband deployed, so I thought it would give me something to do.  We build our fence 8 feet shy of our lot line, because all the utilities ran the lot line, and we would have had to hand dig every hole... I did the garden on the other side of the fence, and it turned into one of those 'out of sight- out of mind' things.  I got a few puny tomatoes, and a squash.  Overall, not a successful endeavor. 


(sidenote- a commercial for Bambi just came on, and Trav asked if his Mom got hit by a car.... "no honey, shot by a hunter"... "meh- same thing" he says?!?)

So, for now, this is the picture of my garden... all the info they gave us today!

So, in a word, today was all about gardening  (or hopeful gardening?)

Owiecrapballs!

Ok, that's not the exact phrase I've said every time I move for the last four hours, but close...

I should have known better.

It's not like I'm new at this...

But holy shit! This hurts!

Back story- our city has a 'daily deal' that usually is 50% off some good or service that is locally.  Well, on Tuesday, it was for a tanning station.

Ya... you can see where this is going...

I've tanned since I was 16 (my Mom had to go sign the release), so I know how it goes.

But I haven't for the last two years- and apparently forgot everything.

It was a cheep deal, $15.00 for an unlimited month of tanning.  Of course though, it was the level one beds, nothing fancy... whatever, I just want to get my 'base tan', so I'm more ready for the summer... and it helps hide my hideous scars all over my left knee (5 knee surgerys...). 

So, Wednesday, 10 minuets.  Totally ok.  Thursday 12 minuets.  Totally ok.  Friday 12 minuets. Owiecrapballs!

So yes, I'm dumb, I'm in pain, and I'm drinking wine.

(by the way... the girl today, seriously, was doing the 'hard sale' for getting me to join for 3 more months, and then buying lotion.  I get that it's her job, but when I have to say "look, I really just want to tan, thanks though", your pushing to hard!)

And I'm laying next to my sick husband, and enjoying the second hour of Daniel Tosh... Tosh.0, and now his comedy central special.  Totally inappropriate, but we laugh.  I like his show so much better now that he doesn't do the throwing up on each one... that was just gross.

So, today, in a word, is sun-burnt!

Laughter

My best friend got her husband and her tickets to one of thier favorite singers for their Anniversary back in January.  Tonight was the concert, so her Mom and I watched the three little knuckleheads.

She has a little boy who is 2 1/2, and twin little girls that are 18 months.  They have almost completed the process to adopt them out of foster care.  Those kids are the light of my life.  If you've followed my blog for anytime, you've seen several projects that have been made for them.  We have become Aunt Jenn and Uncle Trav, and we LOVE that.

Tonight Trav had to work late, so her Mom came over and helped me with the kids.  We had pancakes for dinner... talk about a STICK MESS!  It was so fun watching them play with the syrup.... shhh... don't tell their Mom!

After we got dinner done, we both sat on the floor, and had a blast with them.  We wrestled, and played tickle spider, and clapping alligator.  (yes, the last two I made up, but let me tell you, they love them some 'clapping alligator'... that claps all the way to 'get' them...hey- don't judge, it works!)

The three of them were laughing so much.  It was so great.  I can't imagine anything better then little one's laughing...

So tonight, in a word, was laughter

Purging

Today, where I'm subbing, it's nice.  Kinda boring, but I can take a day like this.  Students who have 3-10 day suspension have the opportunity to come to this program, get work from their home schools, and receive credit for it.  If they don't come here, then they won't get any credit. 

So it's like babysitting.  Very similar to ISS.

I have two students. 

So I've been purging my email.  I had over 2900 messages in one account, (and another 1500 in my 'sent' box.  Apparently, when I had my Black.berry when I worked for my parents, all the emails I sent off of that stayed in the sent folder... and, 80% of them were from the summer Travis was deployed.  We treated e-mail like instant messaging... It was kinda fun reading them, remembering conversations, and the messages that would count down how many days until he came home....)
My other account had only about 900, but I use it specifically for an event I'm part of, so the traffic through that one was much less.

Too bad I can't do more purging in other areas of my life...

Today, in a word, purging.

In a Word

NaBloPoMo.

I did it for two months, November and December of last year.  And then my world fell apart, and I fell of the face of the world.

To get back in the grove of things, I"m going to try it again for March.  The theme for NaBloPoMo this month is "In a Word". 

I'm not sure how this will turn out, but i figured I'd develop 'my take' on it within the first week.


On a completely unrelated topic, I have the best readers ever.  You're comments on my "Discussions" post were amazing. You were so insightful, honest, loving, and compassionate.  But most importantly... you made me feel less alone in the way I was feeling.

I find that IF segregates you.  People know our story, or the basics of it.  But not many know how lonesome it makes me. 

I know lots of people with successful, wonderful adoptions. 
But no one that has experienced a failed match.

I know several people who have miscarried.
But no one that has miscarried six times.

Those are two huge parts to our story, and I don't know anyone else with a story like ours. 

The only other person who has my story, is my husband.  Together, we often go alone to our thoughts and longing to have a family.  No one else understands it completely.  No one knows why we continued with treatments until we all the sudden yelled 'Enough!", and quit suddenly.  No one knows how instantly we loved that little boy, and how our heart hurt.  Because how do you explain that to someone?  You can't.  So, he and I wrestle with these emotions.  Alone.

In a word, today I feel ALONE.