Dumb

I've been trying to set up multipul accounts on my new phone.  I have several gmail accounts, but it would never let me put them all on.  I always got a network data error.  I tried doing it when I was on the 3g network, as well as when I was comnected.to the wifi at home.  OSubbing today is like babysitting, so for the last hour I've been googling how to fix it.  Lots of people had to do a factory reset, but I knew that ment having to re-do all the customization....  So I continued to look...
Who would have thought youtube was the answer?  I had to create a youtube account with the email I wanted to sync, but then it showed up, in my gmail app and my blogger app... Who knew youtube was the answer... But I still think its dumb!

Discussions

Since our failed adoption, I've had several in depth discussions.  The 'whys were asked.  Travis and I went into this adoption fully trusting in God's plan. 

When we started thinking about adoption, we prayed, and both felt yes.
When picking domestic or international, we prayed, and both felt domestic.
When picking an agency, we prayed, and both felt our agency as right.
When picking the timing, we prayed, and both felt this was the time.
When picking the pictures, the info to share, we prayed, and selected.
When picking if we should go for the 'unique situation' we prayed, and felt yes.
While getting ready for the matching meeting, we prayed, and felt calm.
While wondering if we should be at the hospital when she delivered, we prayed, and went.

Our whole journey, we got 'yes, yes, yes, yes...'.  And then a screeching halt, NO.  This is not the child for you.

I've almost, kinda, sorta accepted this.  It's part of the plan, yadda, yadda, yadda.  I still don't understand though.  And there is a big difference between accepting and understanding. 

Some of the conversations have gone like this...
"There was another event in your life you needed to focus on before your child came home"
"You were put in their lives, to show them what a healthy, loving relationship looks like, and to share the love of God with them."
"In 5-10 years, you will occasionally think about that little boy, and quietly send up a prayer for him, and you might be the only ones that every pray for him."
"There were issues with the baby/situation that you were being protected from"
There's lots more, but you get the point...

All of these are great, and one of them might be the reason.  I don't know.  I'm not sure we'll ever know.  Again, I've accepted that situation we went through, this is part of our story. 

But all this conversation has made me think of our miscarriages.  Several of the same people that I had the above conversations with, suggested that we were given that situation to deal with, so that at some point, down the road, when another young couple is going through a similar loss, we can love them, support them, and be open to them. 

Valid point.

But I knew grief after my first miscarriage.  I knew grief even more after my second (the 'big' pregnancy). 

I didn't need my third.
Or fourth.
Or fifth.
Or sixth.

I didn't need to experience that loss 6 times to learn a 'new grief', a 'multiplied grief'.  I knew grief before the last four came along.  So I ask then, what was the point in those last four?  

Again, these are discussions that I have with some friends, cry with my husband over, and wrestle with God about. 

I wonder if I'll ever know.

Fertile Myrtle

The surgery went well today, I guess besides the flood of tears that came.  Whenever I get anxious, I usually well up, get very quite, and just in a zone.  I've had 12+ surgeries, it's always happend.  The nurse today was trying to cheer me up, get me talking about something new, and asked if I had any children.  Ya, great question after yesterday... I started sobbing.  I choked out that I had 6 in heaven.  I've NEVER been like this, ever, I felt so bad for the nurses that had to take care of me.  I am usualy much more put together...

I woke up about 4ish, and aparently had a conversation with my best friend and my Mom....

(My husband was SUPPOSED to remove all technology from me until I was really no longer under the influence, not just lucid enough to convince him I was not under the influence... epic.fail.)





Tongiht, I was over at Suzy's blog not a fertile myrtle to let her know I 'drunk tweeted' about her giveaway....


So he's sitting next to me, and asked "what's a fertile myrtle"?  Really?  Really!  You've been married to an infertile woman for 6 years.  Wait, I'll give you a benefit of the doubt because we've only know that I've been infertile since 2007.... but really?!?

So... while trying to explain what a 'fertile myrtle' was (and going to google for help), I found this post, and HAD to share it!




Faint line at 11dpo

Fertile Woman: “I’m pregnant!” (tells friends, family and sticks a pregnancy ticker on her siggy)
IF Woman: “It’s probably a false positive….”

Strong line at 15dpo
Fertile Woman: Picking names…
IF Woman: “I’m not pregnant until its official with a beta”

Beta #1 comes back great
Fertile Woman: “I’m sure its twins”
IF Woman: “I won’t consider myself pregnant until I see a doubling beta”

Beta doubles
Fertile Woman: Starts working on designs for the nursery
IF Woman: “I won’t consider myself pregnant until I see a heartbeat”

Heartbeat
Fertile Woman: Starts shopping for maternity clothes…
IF Woman: “I won’t consider myself pregnant until I’m past the first trimester…”

End of First Trimester
Fertile Woman: “I can’t wait to know boy or girl already!”
IF Woman: “I won’t breathe a sigh of relief until my amnio comes back OK….”

End of Second Trimester
Fertile Woman: Has a baby shower
IF Woman: “I won’t breathe a sigh of relief till I’m clear for gestational diabetes and Rh antibodies…”

Third Trimester
Fertile Woman: “Pregnancy sucks. I can’t wait till he/she is here already”
IF Woman: “Wow.. I actually may be pregnant..!”

Birth of the baby
Fertile Woman: “We have a baby!”
IF Woman: “We have a miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Scattered

That's how I feel.

There are so many emotions right now, its hard to know which ones to focus on, however I'm 100% sure I'm focusing on the wrong ones....

Fear:  Exploratory surgery tomorrow.  They are going to do a bronchoscopy to see if they can get a better clue of why I've been coughing so long.  I don't know if it's that I don't like my doctor, or I'm scared at what they might find.

Anxiousness:  See above.

Tears:  I took back the bouncer today.  When the adoption failed, my friend came over, helped me sort through things, take things back, and pack up other stuff.  My Aunt got us several things that arrived before he was born, but the bouncer she got was backorder, so it arrived the day after we did the 'clean out'.  It literally sat in the bedroom, with the door shut, since then.  I finally decided to tackle it today.  I had to print out my registry info at Target, and then stand in line.  She told me that I was past the time to return things, because of the due date we had put down... I explained that it was for an adoption that fell through, I had a friend take everything back, but this arrived after that, and I couldn't deal with it.  By this time, I was tearing up, and tried to laugh it off saying "Apparently I still can't deal with it".  Since it hadn't been opened, she went ahead and put it on the gift card that we returned all the other baby stuff on, I said thank you and walked away.  We had a going away party for someone that my husband works with, so I went to the card isle and lost it.  I called my best friend (I knew my husband had an applicant with him), sobbing.  What a sight I was, sitting cross-legged in the card isle crying. 

Joy: The best friend that was just mentioned, is pregnant.  It's funny as an infertile, some pregnancies you can be so so overjoyed about, and some just disgust you... hers is amazingly joyful.  She is a great momma to three little ones that they adopted out of foster care, and I'm so excited they get to grow their family further.

Disgust:  As I mentioned above, some pregnancies are happy, others... not so much.  I have a cousin who I just got a shower announcement from.  She got pregnant several years ago, aborted the baby, got pregnant again, got married to the babies daddy, and is now pregnant again.  If that side of the story didn't disgust me- the fact that I have not talked to her in SIX years, except for last summer when my Dad forced all the sides of the family to get together to try to 'work things out'.  (My last conversation with her was really a note from her 'yelling' at me for leaving to go see some 'guy and his daughter' and that she can't believe I'm picking them over family.  That guy happened to be my future husband (they didn't know yet), and step daughter.  Trav's daughter lived in the same city as they did (and where we currently live), and he and I went to go spend the afternoon with his daughter.  We left before my cousin came home from school, and didn't get back until after she left for work.  They don't know our story (we haven't talked for several years), but I'm thinking I should just drop a gift off at my Aunts house the week before the shower.  There are some showers I can stomach, but this one I know I won't....

Frustration/Sadness:  I assumed that the first people you could count on would be family.  I was wrong.  I have learned throughout the failed adoption, who would stick around.  I'm even more frustrated when a family member contacted my best friend, telling her not to let us do the 'post failed adoption clean out'.  I guess that I feel like if Trav and I BOTH agreed to get rid of stuff, its ok.  If WE want to throw away a $150.00 pack and play WE bought, it's OUR prerogative.  It amazes me that the wonderful friends we have, that sent us stuff from Israel to Alaska, when I had the conversation with them, were completely ok with whatever we wanted to do, throw the stuff away, return it, save it.  More then once, I heard "Whatever is less painful for you", or "We bought it for YOUR baby, not that baby, so when YOUR baby comes, you can use it, so throw it in your attic", or "Return it, and then go buy something on our behalf when YOUR baby comes home to you".... never would I have expected a FAMILY member to want me to sort stuff out during my pain that they could get 'their stuff' back.  I was shocked.  And hurt.  And angry.  But now, more hurt then anything.  We used to talk on a daily basis.... We've texted once since January 4th.

Hope

We all need a little hope at some point in our lives.

If you don't follow "Not a Fertile Myrtle", you should.  She was a secret ornament partner (and got me beautiful silver butterflies for my Christmas tree!) a few years ago, and has been a constant cheerleader since.

Every Tuesday in February, she is doing a giveaway on her blog, that revolves around hope.

Go check it out here, it's so easy to enter, so maybe you can get a small piece of hope!

Health

How about I start on that topic. 

It seems to be the easiest.

Trav and I are on the board for an amazing organization.  I'm sure you will all be hearing lots and lots about it over the next few months, but in a nutshell, we are trying to provide shoes to all the kids in our distract that attend a Title I school.  However, these students have to earn them through good behavior.  We want to impact them more then just giving them something.  Like I said, much more involved, but it's an awesome thing.

Well, this awesome thing needs funding to buy the 5,700 (-ish)  shoes.  Enter next round of headaches.  We are doing a 5k.  Travis and I are working in different areas, he more so on the route for the 5k and 10k, he's a runner, so that makes sense.  I'm doing registration.  What.the.hell.was.I.thinking?  I have no idea what I need to do, how it needs to be done, and when it needs to be done by.  It's been a learning curve.  And a headache.  And irritating.

But it's a run, and I am NOT a runner.  Something about 5 knee surgeries has limited my activity over the last 10 years...  Trav asked me a couple of times over the past few years to go running with him, and I laughed, and reminded him it's part of his job description, not mine! 

Well, I've tried to change that, with the couch to 5k program.  I'm two weeks into it, starting the third week today. And running still isn't fun.  I've been told that it will become fun.  That's great, but I'm not there yet.

One of my knee surgeries required about 6 inches of my tibia (about 1inch wide) to be moved over so that my patella would track correctly.  They used 4 screws to hold it in place, and about 2 years later they removed the top three.  There is still one in there. 

I'll give you two guesses what hurts when I run.

Nope, not my knee joint.

My shin.  Where the one screw is left in.  Blah.  I'm referred to an orthopedic surgeon, still waiting on my appointment.  Hopefully it will come soon. 

On another note, when I was coughing up my lung for the past few months (remember?), I was diagnosed with pertussis, which I called the first time I went to the doctors... I went to go see the pulmonologist, and he had me use an inhaler.  He told me I would for sure get better.  Nope, still coughing.  He's such an ass, I hate him.  Direct quote (as I'm coughing in his office...) "So, your much much better then right?"... no, I'm still coughing, "Oh ya, but hardly at all right?"....  no (as I finish up my third round of coughing since he'd been in the room),  unless you call coughing 19 times an hour 'much better' then 20, but I don't.  

I'm on a new inhaler (still coughing), and I have a bronchoscope scheduled on Thursday.  They are going to knock me out, so that's all that matters.  They can do almost anything to me, as long as I'm not awake!  They are going to look for a mucus plug, or to see if I have an irritated air way.  Let's hope they figure something out.  I'm so over this coughing!

Two months

As I sit here eating my big hunk  (my addiction has become my nightly treat), I realize what a difference two months make.

Two months ago, I thought my arms would be full in two weeks.  Here I sit, with an empty guest bedroom.  A closet full of baby stuff.  And most obvious, our broken hearts.

It's kinda weird, we're this far away, but sometimes it feels like just yesterday.  Sometimes it feels like it's years ago... the pain is as dull as our Sea Monkey's memory.

There have been many changes in our world.

We've questioned a lot of things.

Adoption
Faith
Biological children
Work/jobs
Relationships
Friendships
Motivations
Health

It's all so confusing sometimes.  I sometimes more often then not, feel like I'm a little girl, standing in the middle of her world, stomping my feet screaming at the top of my lungs "This is not what I want!", but somehow, my screams are unheard.  By everyone.

I put on a smile.  I laugh.  I've gotten 'back out there'. 

But more times then not, it's all fake. 

Trav has gotten very good at seeing through my 'ok face'.  Or maybe he just knows when I need him.  He gives me an extra kiss more often then I can count.  An "I love you" when I don't expect them. 

I did a post every day for November and December.... and haven't done very well the last few months.  Trust me, it's not just this blog that has suffered, many other areas have too.  And I hate that.

I'm sure the above list will get dug through in the next few weeks.  It will at least give me a place to start, try to get some thoughts out, organized, feelings hacked through. 

But for now, I think I'll just head to bed.

That sounds safe. 

So not technological...

My husband doesn't have a facebook.

(gasp... I'll let you all collect yourselves!)

My husband doesn't tweet.

(I guess not that unlikely... I'm still deciding if I like it)

My husband certainly doesn't blog.

He's on his computer a lot at work, so I understand his unwillingness (?) to want to do any more then necessary (and right now his college classes are requiring a high level of necessity!)

I probably only know of a handful of times that he reads this blog... but I know he's read it recently (he made a comment about this post and how he had no idea of my infatuation).

So, My Love, if you're reading this....

Please write a post, all these people here MY side of the story, but you have your own perspective. 

In fact, I'm sure they will all comment on this post and encourage you as well (wink wink ladies!).

Please?

My Big Hunk!

:)





(sorry... had to throw my candy bar joke in there, which with my sudden constant CRAVING for them, the joke gets bounced around these walls a few times a day

Just for the record:

A big hunk

MY Big Hunk!



Little things

We recently all celebrated a very red and pink holiday.  Hope you all had fun, I've seen many posts of what husbands (usually) got you.  Some people love that stuff.

Me?  Not so much.  Never have.  My husband doesn't get it, but obliges.  His reasoning is that I'll always have a valentine (him), so he doesn't understand why I hate the holiday so much... the first year we were married, he got me flowers, and balloons, and chocolate, and I thing something else too.... I could have killed him.  It was sweet, but no, not necessary.  At all.

This year, he got a pack of his favorite chocolates (under $3.00), and I got a card from him (he likes chocolate, I like cards!).  And that was it.

And I was ok with it.  Because I don't need him to go 'all out' on one day.  Three weeks ago, when he brought home a five dollar stem of Lilly's and DUG out my favorite vase from the very back of the cabinet, that was enough.  Or how when we were watching tv last night, and he moved, but re-tucked in my feet with the blanket.  Or last week when I was CRAVING a Big Hunk (candy bar- they are amazing), and my "big hunk" when to the only gas station in town that has them (so far, we're still looking!).

Those are the little things that make me know I'm loved by him.

And that's good enough for me.

8 days- and a little more in love

Wow, it's really been 8 days since I posted... I'll try to a summary post here soon, but for now, I'll feel cheep with just leavin you all with this....

I think I fell a little more in love after seeing this...

Chrysler 200: Eminem @ Yahoo! Video

With him... not the car!

It's my dirty little secret that not many people (besides my husband) know about.  I love Eminem... his music is so real, or something. Trav just laughs when I ask him to download his newest album right after I ask for Trace Adkins.... what can I say, he might just be my dirty little secret...

(He also laughs when I tell him I need it for my yoga work out- because he thinks Eminem songs are defeating the purpose of yoga...)

Pre Snowpocalypse

In 2007, the area we live in now was hit by a major ice storm.  Power was out for days.  Our best friends were one of the last ones to get power restored, and that was 13 days later.  It was bad, people died, the city shut down.

The early reports for this snow storm had us getting between .5" and 1" of ice, before all the snow came down.

Nothing causes panic in these parts like an 'ice report'.

Granted, we lived through the same storm, just about 2 hours North.  Power went out, but we were on base and they had it back to us within a few hours.  The streets were clear, the commissary open, so our lives weren't disrupted.

Back to where we live now.

Holy freakout friends.  There was a fist fight in Wal Mart because someone had taken batteries out of another persons cart.  The cops were called.  Several people laughed.  I ran by to pick up a few things, and this is what it looked like at 10:30 in the morning. 

I had to go back in the afternoon for some things , and there was nothing left on the shelves.

Lucky for us, we got mostly sleet, and hardly any ice, so the threat of no power is mostly gone.  We've got snow, and a lot of it, but we're warm and toasty in our home with dinner in the oven!

Snowpocalypse Snow Ice Cream!

So... what are you to do when you are snowed in?!?  

Make Snow Ice Cream of course!!!

We used a gallon of snow (ie- big bowl of snow)

2 cups of evaporated milk

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp of vanilla *edit* I had one cup... that would be some strong stuff, thanks friend!

We mixed the sugar and vanilla into the milk, and then poured over the snow and mixed it.

Of course you need your little helpers

Snow Ice Cream!  Yum!

Snowpocalypse 3pm

Remember that driveway we shoveled two hours ago.... ya, this is it.... again....

She LOVES the snow!  (again, back porch had been shoveled a few hours before)

And this was the front porch, you can see the divit in the middle where Travis had shoveled the path....

Snowpocalypse 1pm

This was our driveway

By the time we finished shoveling, about 40 minuets, there was already another 3/4" of snow at the top where we had started....

Snowpocalypse 11am (with puppy photos)

Snowpocalypse 9am

9:00 am