Wednesday, February 23, 2011


That's how I feel.

There are so many emotions right now, its hard to know which ones to focus on, however I'm 100% sure I'm focusing on the wrong ones....

Fear:  Exploratory surgery tomorrow.  They are going to do a bronchoscopy to see if they can get a better clue of why I've been coughing so long.  I don't know if it's that I don't like my doctor, or I'm scared at what they might find.

Anxiousness:  See above.

Tears:  I took back the bouncer today.  When the adoption failed, my friend came over, helped me sort through things, take things back, and pack up other stuff.  My Aunt got us several things that arrived before he was born, but the bouncer she got was backorder, so it arrived the day after we did the 'clean out'.  It literally sat in the bedroom, with the door shut, since then.  I finally decided to tackle it today.  I had to print out my registry info at Target, and then stand in line.  She told me that I was past the time to return things, because of the due date we had put down... I explained that it was for an adoption that fell through, I had a friend take everything back, but this arrived after that, and I couldn't deal with it.  By this time, I was tearing up, and tried to laugh it off saying "Apparently I still can't deal with it".  Since it hadn't been opened, she went ahead and put it on the gift card that we returned all the other baby stuff on, I said thank you and walked away.  We had a going away party for someone that my husband works with, so I went to the card isle and lost it.  I called my best friend (I knew my husband had an applicant with him), sobbing.  What a sight I was, sitting cross-legged in the card isle crying. 

Joy: The best friend that was just mentioned, is pregnant.  It's funny as an infertile, some pregnancies you can be so so overjoyed about, and some just disgust you... hers is amazingly joyful.  She is a great momma to three little ones that they adopted out of foster care, and I'm so excited they get to grow their family further.

Disgust:  As I mentioned above, some pregnancies are happy, others... not so much.  I have a cousin who I just got a shower announcement from.  She got pregnant several years ago, aborted the baby, got pregnant again, got married to the babies daddy, and is now pregnant again.  If that side of the story didn't disgust me- the fact that I have not talked to her in SIX years, except for last summer when my Dad forced all the sides of the family to get together to try to 'work things out'.  (My last conversation with her was really a note from her 'yelling' at me for leaving to go see some 'guy and his daughter' and that she can't believe I'm picking them over family.  That guy happened to be my future husband (they didn't know yet), and step daughter.  Trav's daughter lived in the same city as they did (and where we currently live), and he and I went to go spend the afternoon with his daughter.  We left before my cousin came home from school, and didn't get back until after she left for work.  They don't know our story (we haven't talked for several years), but I'm thinking I should just drop a gift off at my Aunts house the week before the shower.  There are some showers I can stomach, but this one I know I won't....

Frustration/Sadness:  I assumed that the first people you could count on would be family.  I was wrong.  I have learned throughout the failed adoption, who would stick around.  I'm even more frustrated when a family member contacted my best friend, telling her not to let us do the 'post failed adoption clean out'.  I guess that I feel like if Trav and I BOTH agreed to get rid of stuff, its ok.  If WE want to throw away a $150.00 pack and play WE bought, it's OUR prerogative.  It amazes me that the wonderful friends we have, that sent us stuff from Israel to Alaska, when I had the conversation with them, were completely ok with whatever we wanted to do, throw the stuff away, return it, save it.  More then once, I heard "Whatever is less painful for you", or "We bought it for YOUR baby, not that baby, so when YOUR baby comes, you can use it, so throw it in your attic", or "Return it, and then go buy something on our behalf when YOUR baby comes home to you".... never would I have expected a FAMILY member to want me to sort stuff out during my pain that they could get 'their stuff' back.  I was shocked.  And hurt.  And angry.  But now, more hurt then anything.  We used to talk on a daily basis.... We've texted once since January 4th.


  1. I totally understand all of the above emotions. I feel like I've been struggling lately with which emotion to go with the majority of the time. Here's to hoping that the "happy" shines through the rest...and thank God for the woman at Target who allowed you to return the bouncer...something like that would have sent me over the edge and I would have had a mental breakdown right there in the store had it been me and it couldn't be returned...

  2. I hope, soon, very soon, you get to have terrific joy in your life. I can't believe that family member-who does that? *hugs*

  3. *hugs*

    Skip the cousin's shower. (Why have showers for 2nd kids anyway??) She just wants gifts and attention.

    But I agree--some pregnancy announcements thrill me. It can be hard to explain to outsiders, but we get it.

  4. I totally agree. One of my best friends is pregnant and I am so happy for her but their are others where I can't go to a shower or even try to fake a smile in front of them. I hope you find that "Happy" emotion soon. And if you want to return/throww away or just hide everything go ahead that's completely fine. We did after the loss of our daughter.

  5. I'm so sorry that you are scattered right now. I hope that your surgery goes well and that they are able to help you. You have a lot on your plate right now so you have every reason to feel overwhelmed. I hope that things even out soon for you. And I really hope that you can find some peace. You deserve a break.

  6. Though we haven't had a failed adoption like yours, we've had a few that we thought would happen before the baby's born and the BM decided to parent soon after that. We didn't hold the babies or fall in love with them as individuals, but we've felt almost all of the emotions you're talking about. It's just hard.

    When we were approved, we thought things would go very quickly - we had several people we knew matched and bringing home babies the same week/month they were approved. It's 8 months for us now, and the waiting is just plain hard.

    And, talk about mixed emotions - ALL of my best friends (I'm talking about 7 people) are pregnant except two...and one of them had her daughter two weeks ago. The other one has four kids and isn't planning to have any more. So, yeah, even with them, the joy is so real and I'm so excited to love these kids with my friends, but it sucks being the one left out in all of the excitement simply because we don't know when we'll be able to get excited.

    I'm not trying to make it sound like I think I've got it worse than you...I certainly don't think that. I just wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling all scattered and jumbled and, as "considerably rumpled in spirit" (from Anne of Green Gables) as you are.

  7. I'm so sorry for all the emotions you are feeling! I hope you can find peace in your heart and mind during such a difficult process. I too have battled infertility (have an adopted son now) but can totally relate to being happy for some pregnancies and disgusted by others! Hang in there....

  8. I'm sorry you're feeling so scattered these days - hopefully some resolution will come from your surgery (and some relief from the coughing!).

    I also understand that family thing - sometimes they're more trouble than they're worth...

  9. What a range of emotions. You must be utterly exhausted. My heart just aches for you guys.

    It's amazing how a tragedy brings out the true nature of people. Sadly, every family has one (or a few) people that are unable to focus on the issue at hand and instead get bent out of shape over small, insignificant things. It happened to us when my dad died. I guess the only flip side of that is you now know the people you can truly count on. I know it doesn't make it easier though.

  10. I'm so sorry to hear certain family members are being less than supportive. It really hurts when family especially can't realize the pain you are experiencing and say less then helpful things.

    I also hope the test goes well tomorrow and it all gest sorted out so you can get to feeling better!

  11. The cousin and the family member sound pretty terrible. Sorry you have to deal with them, but glad you have wonderful friends.

  12. Did I read your post correctly? People were actually ASKING FOR THEIR STUFF BACK? You really have to be kidding me! Don't people realize that when they give a gift..the gift is given. You don't get to ask for it back! You and your husband get to decide! Whether that's put it away for your baby, return it, throw it out...YOU get to decide!!! Amazing how some people are.
    I hope you get to feeling better soon and they figure out what is causing your cough!

  13. I wish I had more to ofer you than virtual hugs. You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow.

  14. I am always impressed by people who can articulate their emotions so well.

    I can't believe people would be so insensitive as to care what you do with the gifts they gave to you. I'm glad that some of them did seem to understand.