Discussions

Since our failed adoption, I've had several in depth discussions.  The 'whys were asked.  Travis and I went into this adoption fully trusting in God's plan. 

When we started thinking about adoption, we prayed, and both felt yes.
When picking domestic or international, we prayed, and both felt domestic.
When picking an agency, we prayed, and both felt our agency as right.
When picking the timing, we prayed, and both felt this was the time.
When picking the pictures, the info to share, we prayed, and selected.
When picking if we should go for the 'unique situation' we prayed, and felt yes.
While getting ready for the matching meeting, we prayed, and felt calm.
While wondering if we should be at the hospital when she delivered, we prayed, and went.

Our whole journey, we got 'yes, yes, yes, yes...'.  And then a screeching halt, NO.  This is not the child for you.

I've almost, kinda, sorta accepted this.  It's part of the plan, yadda, yadda, yadda.  I still don't understand though.  And there is a big difference between accepting and understanding. 

Some of the conversations have gone like this...
"There was another event in your life you needed to focus on before your child came home"
"You were put in their lives, to show them what a healthy, loving relationship looks like, and to share the love of God with them."
"In 5-10 years, you will occasionally think about that little boy, and quietly send up a prayer for him, and you might be the only ones that every pray for him."
"There were issues with the baby/situation that you were being protected from"
There's lots more, but you get the point...

All of these are great, and one of them might be the reason.  I don't know.  I'm not sure we'll ever know.  Again, I've accepted that situation we went through, this is part of our story. 

But all this conversation has made me think of our miscarriages.  Several of the same people that I had the above conversations with, suggested that we were given that situation to deal with, so that at some point, down the road, when another young couple is going through a similar loss, we can love them, support them, and be open to them. 

Valid point.

But I knew grief after my first miscarriage.  I knew grief even more after my second (the 'big' pregnancy). 

I didn't need my third.
Or fourth.
Or fifth.
Or sixth.

I didn't need to experience that loss 6 times to learn a 'new grief', a 'multiplied grief'.  I knew grief before the last four came along.  So I ask then, what was the point in those last four?  

Again, these are discussions that I have with some friends, cry with my husband over, and wrestle with God about. 

I wonder if I'll ever know.