Friday, February 25, 2011


Since our failed adoption, I've had several in depth discussions.  The 'whys were asked.  Travis and I went into this adoption fully trusting in God's plan. 

When we started thinking about adoption, we prayed, and both felt yes.
When picking domestic or international, we prayed, and both felt domestic.
When picking an agency, we prayed, and both felt our agency as right.
When picking the timing, we prayed, and both felt this was the time.
When picking the pictures, the info to share, we prayed, and selected.
When picking if we should go for the 'unique situation' we prayed, and felt yes.
While getting ready for the matching meeting, we prayed, and felt calm.
While wondering if we should be at the hospital when she delivered, we prayed, and went.

Our whole journey, we got 'yes, yes, yes, yes...'.  And then a screeching halt, NO.  This is not the child for you.

I've almost, kinda, sorta accepted this.  It's part of the plan, yadda, yadda, yadda.  I still don't understand though.  And there is a big difference between accepting and understanding. 

Some of the conversations have gone like this...
"There was another event in your life you needed to focus on before your child came home"
"You were put in their lives, to show them what a healthy, loving relationship looks like, and to share the love of God with them."
"In 5-10 years, you will occasionally think about that little boy, and quietly send up a prayer for him, and you might be the only ones that every pray for him."
"There were issues with the baby/situation that you were being protected from"
There's lots more, but you get the point...

All of these are great, and one of them might be the reason.  I don't know.  I'm not sure we'll ever know.  Again, I've accepted that situation we went through, this is part of our story. 

But all this conversation has made me think of our miscarriages.  Several of the same people that I had the above conversations with, suggested that we were given that situation to deal with, so that at some point, down the road, when another young couple is going through a similar loss, we can love them, support them, and be open to them. 

Valid point.

But I knew grief after my first miscarriage.  I knew grief even more after my second (the 'big' pregnancy). 

I didn't need my third.
Or fourth.
Or fifth.
Or sixth.

I didn't need to experience that loss 6 times to learn a 'new grief', a 'multiplied grief'.  I knew grief before the last four came along.  So I ask then, what was the point in those last four?  

Again, these are discussions that I have with some friends, cry with my husband over, and wrestle with God about. 

I wonder if I'll ever know.


  1. I often wonder why we've been chosen to learn this lesson in life. There have been dark dark times where I've begun to believe God doesn't care/exist. It's a crappy place to be. I hope and wish with all my heart and soul that you get your miracle.

  2. It's hard for me to believe that God uses a human life as a "pawn" or a lesson. I get very angry when I hear people refer to my lost children as a "lesson" or a tool in my life.

    Sometimes I think bad things just happen. Whether you contribute it back to Adam and Eve and just dooming all the rest of humanity for suffering, or if you just think that no one is in control and so crap things happen. It sucks. No matter how you look at it.

    I pray that you find peace no matter what your reasoning. And that you find comfort in your husband and family and friends...

  3. I wonder about the similar things in my life every single day. I know I might never know the answers or that it may make more sense years or even decades down the road, but it doesn't stop me from asking why.

  4. I've been in the same place for years now. Like you, I had many miscarriages. (5 in total) and had engaged every treatment option over the last six years.

    I've blogged on my main blog about grief and loss. And to some extent I feel like I have gained compassion for others as a result. But i struggle, and I wonder. Now that we have been "in the wait" for our adoption, I wish and pray each day that there are no more hard lessons. But boy do I fear.

    Wishing no more heartache for both of us.

  5. I know what you mean. When I lost my son I was 17 and in no position to be a single parent and I grew up a lot real quick but once I had been marriend and stable and lost our daughter I was so lost and confused. A family friend told us we may never understand until we reach Heaven and God explain it to that point it WILL make sense but not until then. He holds the answers. {{Hugs}}

  6. Lately, I feel the same way. I don't understand why I have all of "this" to handle right now. Why can't I get pregnant when everyone said it wouldn't be a problem? What did I do? Why did my friend die so young with so much to give? why did I just get this new job that I'm stressed out about but mildly excited over, too? I think I believe someday it will all make sense. I just finished reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven. It's a quick read and if you haven't read it, I recommend it. The chaos of one man's life is explained. Someday, ours will be too.

  7. I wonder these same things, though clearly I haven't been through the pain you have. I think continuing to be honest about your feelings and your fears is so important, and I commend you for that.

  8. I'm not surprised that so many people who blog about infertility wonder the same things as I do myself.

    I continue to be amazed at the ease with which you articulate your emotions.

  9. Oh, Jenn...I don't know if any of this will ever make any sense (but I don't think so)...I just hope that in the not too distant future, there are children in your lives and you finally have the chance to show them all the love you are carrying for them.

  10. That is the part that I struggle immensely with; they why's and wondering. I don't think we will ever know the answers as to why we were chosen to walk down this path of IF; we just were. While wondering and having those same conversations in my mind with myself, my husband, mom and friends, I try to redirect and just know that when we get our miracle, we will love them and appreciate every minute we have with them more than most parents ever will their children.
    In the end, the why's won't be wondered quite so often because they will be filled with happiness, some tears, and thankfulness.

  11. I agree. It's difficult when searching for the 'lesson' in all of this. You've certainly had more than your share of grief to have to cope with. I don't understand any of this, why it happens to us, and why loss keeps finding us. The only thing that does keep me going, in some weird/sick kind of that we are going to do something with 'this'. Either teach others, or something bigger. It's the only way that I can wrestle with the reality and make it out ok.

    So tough Jenn. All of this will still take time to process. I can only hope that in time, you will find peace and comfort when your child is finally placed in your 'forever' arms.


  12. In a perfect world we wouldn't ask why. We would just accept. But that's very very hard to do. So the only solace I get sometimes is telling myself, life goes on, like a mantra. This day will be followed by another, and another, and another, and new challenges will come, along with new hopes, and happy days, and not so happy days. But as sure as the world turns, life will go on and Why may be replaced with What or Who or When. In fact, I am sure it will, b/c after all, nothing ever stays the same. That's the one thing I do know.

  13. I don't think we'll ever understand why we went thru the pain we did/are until we are seated at His right hand and can ask Him directly...

    That being said I do still believe that my journey whilst not caused by God, has been used by Him to His glory and for good. My good and the good of others who I would never have been able to support if I had not gone thru this.

    Thinking of and praying for you guys.


  14. i wish i had an answer for you. I think if anything I would say, regardless of how difficult it is, keep trusting in God. Trust that He loves you and that He is aware of your grief and pain.