Monday, February 21, 2011

Two months

As I sit here eating my big hunk  (my addiction has become my nightly treat), I realize what a difference two months make.

Two months ago, I thought my arms would be full in two weeks.  Here I sit, with an empty guest bedroom.  A closet full of baby stuff.  And most obvious, our broken hearts.

It's kinda weird, we're this far away, but sometimes it feels like just yesterday.  Sometimes it feels like it's years ago... the pain is as dull as our Sea Monkey's memory.

There have been many changes in our world.

We've questioned a lot of things.

Biological children

It's all so confusing sometimes.  I sometimes more often then not, feel like I'm a little girl, standing in the middle of her world, stomping my feet screaming at the top of my lungs "This is not what I want!", but somehow, my screams are unheard.  By everyone.

I put on a smile.  I laugh.  I've gotten 'back out there'. 

But more times then not, it's all fake. 

Trav has gotten very good at seeing through my 'ok face'.  Or maybe he just knows when I need him.  He gives me an extra kiss more often then I can count.  An "I love you" when I don't expect them. 

I did a post every day for November and December.... and haven't done very well the last few months.  Trust me, it's not just this blog that has suffered, many other areas have too.  And I hate that.

I'm sure the above list will get dug through in the next few weeks.  It will at least give me a place to start, try to get some thoughts out, organized, feelings hacked through. 

But for now, I think I'll just head to bed.

That sounds safe. 


  1. as always, love your honesty & transparency!! Still praying for you guys. So hard, so confusing, but there's purpose in this....somewhere....

  2. I can't even imagine all the emotions you must have gone through lately. Thinking of you.

  3. I think it's good you can articulate these feelings, given the same conditions I'm not sure I would be able to do so. Stay strong, carry on.

  4. I love does sound sooo familiar too! I am glad you have a wonderful husband. Driving to work this morning I was thinking the same about C and felt a lil guilty that he had to 'hold' me so often...uggg I hate IF!

  5. The hugs and "I love you" from the husband are sometimes the only way I make it through the day...Thank God for good men who stand by our sides through all this...