Dear God

Jess over at Waiting on baby Paramore has written a few letters to God on her blog within the past week or so...
I was truly amazed at how much our prayers were similar!

It made me start to think I wanted to do a post like this (imitation is the highest form of flattery right !) so this is what my current prayer has been.

Dear God,
Please help me to not stress out these next to weeks as we wait to find out if this is the month that you will make our family grow.  And if this isn't the month, please wrap your loving arms around me, because I'm going to need it.  And give me the encouragement to continue the treatment if this is the path you want us to take.

In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ-
Amen.

Ok, so it's not a 'formal' prayer like my Dad always says, but it's my prayer... that I repeat (almost word for word) several times a day. 

I guess it's worked so far, because I have not been the ball of nerves that I was last cycle... maybe that's because I'm just to busy planning my trip home on Thursday for a long weekend.... what am I saying, it's not a long weekend, its going to be almost a whole week! Yippe!

High School Drama

So going through all these fertility treatments, and hopefully getting pregnant within the next year, we decided that I would work part time for my parents doing customer service, and fill the rest of my 'free time' with substitute teaching.  Since I have a teaching degree, I was 'hired on' right away.  I've worked actually more then I was expecting.  The district uses an online scheduling thing, and you have to check it every once in a while to see if any new assignments show up.  There was one that was for 1st grade... needless to say that assignment was quickly rejected, (and luckily replaced with being a secretary for the day!).  

So far I've really enjoyed my time, it requires no planning, no dealing with parents, no grading... you go, you teach, you leave.  AWESOME!

Today, was a completely different story.  I taught at a High School today, science, and had all grade levels.  At one point I felt like I was stabbed in my stomach.  Two of my students were pregnant, one probably about 7 months, one due any day... and another student who gave birth over the summer.  She came in complaining that the damn baby cried all f-ing weekend... and that she was so sick of him.  Later in the class I heard her tell one of the other students that she wish she would have just had an abortion, so she could 'enjoy' her senior year.  Ugh.  Of course I can't say anything, because I'm a sub... but I wanted to just shake her and scream "There are other options, even now!  You could give that child up for adoption, where he would be placed with a family that desperately wants him!!"  Also another phrase that came to mind "Do you know how many women have paid THOUSANDS to have the PRIVLAGE of getting woke up in the middle of the night!!!!"   

Ugh... frustrating.

Fringe and such

Ok- this totally isn't going to be a post on my fertility goals, or anything along those lines... but it's my blog,  I can write what I what... right?


I am not a science fiction lover by any stretch of the imagination... like at all!  I hated X-Files (gave me nightmares), and just am not into that kind of stuff... until now, sort of.

I'm also not a huge fan of Fox... until recently, there hasn't been much on there that I was willing to watch besides Hell's Kitchen, and House (I'm a huge TV junkie... it's an addiction really).

However, last season Fox came out with some excellent new shows, including Lie to Me, Fringe, and Dollhouse. 

On Thursday nights, I watch The Real Housewives of whatever city is currently playing... but that's when Fringe is on.  What to do, what to do???  I of course thought logically, and since you can't watch The Housewives streaming online, that was the show I picked.  Sooo... since there is nothing good on Friday night besides Dollhouse, it has become my new 'Fringe online' night.  Can I just say, I love Walter.  I wish my Grandpa was more like him actually! 

If you don't watch the show, he is an eccentric old scientist that used to work for the government on 'fringe' science, which is science that is on the 'fringe' of acceptability/understanding.  Teleportation, genetic mutation, etc....  He was in a psychiatric hospital for several years (like over 10) and now is out helping an office of the FBI solve weird paranormal happenings.  This is literally like the Cliff's Notes of the Cliff's Notes, there is so much that happened last season....

Anyway.  Back to tonight's episode- Peter is Walters son.  Walter is so excited that he figured out that the blue goo at a crime scene could paralyze,  He said something along the lines of "Isn't that fantastic"  Peter responded:
Fantastic is not the word I would use...


Well, thank you Peter Bishop, you have just won quote of the week... maybe even the year! 

What would be your favorite quote from a movie or TV show?

YEA! Off to Trigger

After eight- EIGHT FSH shots, we have a beauty!  At my ultrasound this morning, we saw a wonderful 22mm follie.  YEAH!  They drew blood and my LH hasn't begun to surge, so they told me to trigger anytime this evening.  Now I just have to figure out when the 36 hour deadline will be convenient.  Since it will be Saturday morning, I'm thinking we'll do the trigger tonight sometime after 9pm (we like to sleep in!) 

Keeping my fingers crossed... maybe I'll try to do an early test while I'm visiting home, to see if I have good news to tell my parents.  Our last day there will be 12 days past ovulation, and 14 days past trigger.... we'll see.

I just have to laugh

So, after another follicle study, we're STILL not there.  Though, there was some improvement, about 1mm a day, which puts us just over 11mm and 14mm.  I have three more days of the FSH shot, and go back on Thursday.

Have I said lately how much I'm NOT a fan of getting shots in my stomach... Ya- I don't love it! 

Last night in bed, I was whining (yes, at 26 I still whine, and occasionally pout) about how sucky this has turned into.  I told Trav that his part of the baby making is easy.  It doesn't hurt him to make his little swimmers, he can't even tell its happening, and the actual 'baby making', that doesn't suck.

As for me, I get to take upwards of 6 pills a day, shots in my stomach, an ultrasound wand shoved up my whoo-ha every week, tender areas because of everything growing, and then, if it didn't work, cramps that start us all over again! 

He then calmly asked..."Can I say something that is supposed to be funny, and in no way is meant to hurt your feelings".  I felt like I could hack it so this was his response to me complaining how he had it so easy:

"Yes honey, but it's not so easy for me, because I have to here you complain about this EVERY DAY!" 

Nice hunh!  I love that this is the humor that these hormones have forced... or at least the preface to his humor that he has to use, because now-a-days, he never can tell how I'll react to something.

Last night I reacted by telling him how much I did appreciate him for dealing with me, and that he truly is an amazing husband.  And then I cuddled up close to him.... until I had my next hot flash and had to go cool off.

Pull your weight!

So yesterday we had ANOTHER follicle study ultrasound.  I just want to add a microphone to the little wand, and when Dave, our awesome ultrasound tech gets near each ovary, yell "Why don't you start pulling your weight!" .  They made the mistake of behaving the first cycle... and now nothing!

Well,  I guess a little something.  After five days of Femera, and two FSH shots, I now have a dominate follie on both sides, one is about 14mm, and the other is about 11mm.  Dr. S is having us do 3 days of shots back to back, and then I go in for another ultrasound on Monday.

My friend who usually gives me the shots couldn't last night... so Trav was forced to help.  I wasn't sure if he would even be able to do it.  Well, once again, my amazing husband surprised me (and most of his family) by being able to give me the shot.  We were in a rush, because we were supposed to go meet his parents for dinner an hour and a half away, as a surprise for his Dad's birthday.  He was worried about it not going in, and I told him to put it in like throwing a dart.  I was just watching his face, and not the needle, and I was thinking "Dang, this is hurting a little more then when Erika does it..."  So I looked down, and what did I see?  The needle was all the way in (and it's like a 2 inch needle..) to the point where there is a little pucker where the syringe is pushing in on my skin.  AUGH!!! At least I remembered to stay calm, and said, "Honey, I think the needle is in a little to far, maybe back it out a little." 

He did, and everything worked fine in the end.  Now he knows that he has to pay attention to the needle depth, as well as making sure the syringe empties.  I was VERY proud of him, and grateful that he was able to do it, because we would have been up a creek without a paddle.

He's working this weekend at a bull riding event, and got us some free tickets! YEAH!  He's SOO not into rodeo/cowboys/country music; however, I love it, so I'm excited!

Picture worth $1000.00

So, since the Clomid didn't work at 100mg, or 150mg, Dr. S moved me to Femera, and FSH injections. When I went for my last ultrasound, Dave, the U/S tech asked me what day I was on.... 19. He made me smile when he said "why am I still seeing you?". I was afraid that this cycle was shot, and so I asked what the plan is for next cycle... he responded with golden words, "Why, are you wanting to take the rest of this cycle off? There is no need for you to have a period right now, you haven't ovulated... all that is is a crappy reminder that you're not pregnant yet." At that moment, I fell in love with that man. I even considered naming our first born after him. Though I'm not sure how Pave feels on the subject...

He said even though we weren't going to start my cycle over, we needed to start counting over, because otherwise 'Dave will go crazy". So now we are officially day 6. I was supposed to start my FSH shots on Monday, and then do another one today. Dr. S told me that I needed to get the two shots from his nurse, and I could just pay on my way out.... My only question was "ummm- can you write me a prescription?" He had this quizzical look, but once I explained that TriCare will pay for them, as long as we aren't doing IUI, or IVF, he understood. He wasn't sure if my co-pay would apply to each vial, or the single prescription of 20 vials, but worse case, $9.00 each is better $50.00 to get them from him! He wasn't even offended that I didn't want my drugs from him! :)

It was kinda a cluster to get everything approved, ExpressScripts had to talk with my doctor to confirm that we aren't doing IUI, but after that it went smooth... until wonderful Walgreen's didn't get the prescription in on time (after I spent 45 min there on Friday, as they called the warehouse to check and make sure they had it in stock, who knows what happened). So they overnighted it to me, and I got them Tuesday. I don't know what I was expecting when I opened the box, but it wasn't whatever I saw!

Holy crap- What is all this stuff!?! Luckily, one of the few friends that I have here is a nurse, she also has gone through the whole fertility thing (double yea!). She came over and did explained everything for me, which was good. I wasn't sure if I could give myself a shot, and maybe if push came to shove, I could, but since she lives a street away, why not! Plus we get to hang out for a bit, which is always good.

I sent my Mom a picture, and just titled the e-mail, "A Thousand Dollars"

Her response was simply "WOW! But perhaps well spent?!? I love you, hope the shots don't continue to hurt, Love, Mom"

It made me smile. Oh, and even now that I know what to expect, still don't love them! But I'm not bruised, so that is good, for now.

Sea Monkey

My Mom

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.

But I here her crying at night when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night, and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...

I watch over my amazing mom, who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others... a smile of disguise.

But through Heaven's open door I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My Mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her, knows it's her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving Mom... through Heaven's open door.

I try to tell her that angles protect me forever more.

But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance, go visit her... and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says -- No matter what she feels,

My amazing Mom has a broken heart that won't ever heal.

~~Author Unknown~~

I red this amazing poem on another blog, and instantly began crying. I can just imagine our little Sea Monkey, and the love we have for him still.

Logic?

I guess by now I should know that there is no logic when it comes to infertility.... perfect example, my last two cycles. First cycle, 100mg Clomid, perfect DF, trigger shot, the big O, though no pregnancy... you would think it would work again that way! HA! Noooo, it won't. This cycle, 100mg Clomid-nothing, 150mg Clomid-nothing (well, I say nothing, there are two dominate follicles, 10mm and 10.5, so still not big enough). Where does that leave us? Because now I'm at day 19... even Dave, the ultrasound guy though he counted wrong, "Day 19... why am I still seeing you?!" He is truly great, and I appreciate his humor! Dr. S is going to try me on FSH injectables combined with Femera. Shots. I am going to try to do them myself, but if I can't, I have an awesome friend that is a nurse, and she said she would be happy to! She's done the whole infertility thing too, so she understands. On any given day, if you ask me how I like being an Air Force wife, I will be happy to tell you how much I don't like it. However, with the recent fertility treatments, and with each new prescription, a part of my distaste is chipped away. Now realize, taking rocks off of Mount Everest will take a while, but eventually you could move the whole mountain. Dr. S is having me do the FSH on day 2 and 4 of the five day Femera regimen. He told me that I could pay his nurse at the front the $100.00, for the two shots. OMG! I asked him if he could write a prescription for it, or if it was a type of drug that only doctors could get. He looked at me and said "It's going to cost the same if you get it from me or from Walgreens...." Well, Dr. S, maybe with most of your patients, but we are lucky (read: committed to this crappy life for the next ten years), and have TriCare insurance, and the most it will cost me is $9.00. Not per vile, for a 30 day supply! On Monday, I will be picking up $1500.00 worth of medicine, and it will cost me $9.00!!! YEAH! Well, I also have to buy the syringes, and that's going to be another nine... but still, I can't complain. I'll let you know how it feels to have that much money in my purse! Heaven knows that there won't be many other times that I have that much in it!

The night before

So tomorrow is our follow up appointment to see if the second round of Clomid that I took this cycle, did anything. I have a feeling it didn't but I'm trying to stay positive...or as positive as I can. By this time last month, I was achy (hello, my ovaries were like 4 times their normal size!), so much so that I couldn't lay on my stomach. Not so much now... So, I guess that my questions for the RE tomorrow are: Now what? Is this cycle blown, or do we do a 3rd 'stair step' at 200mg? With injections? If it is blown, what is the plan of action for next month? Did the 'double Clomid' this cycle, count as 2 rounds toward my six.... wait, as a doctor, do you even limit me to 6 rounds before I have to 'rest a cycle'? If you do, can we stretch it a few extra cycles.... just to get us through February. Travis will be gone February through April, so can we make that my 'break'? Having PCOS, how long do we try this? We only want to do IUI a few times, and will stop there. No IVF for me. If it gets to that point, instead of spending the money on the IVF, we'll just put it toward adoption. Same emotional rollercoster, but at least it's not from all the hormones! I think that's most of my questions... I'm sure I'll think up more. I need to now print off this post to put in my 'notebook'. The ultrasound tech always laughs, because I bring this notebook in every time, record my numbers, write my questions, and the answers... write down the directions for any new drugs I'm taking. Fun Stuff!

2 rounds of Clomid?

Really. Really? REALLY! I should have know it was to good to be true, my body worked to well last month... So for my follicular study today (cycle day 11) I had one follie that was 8mm, one 10mm... so what would my old doctor do, "Come back in a few days to see if it's grown anymore..." not this doctor. They are having me start ANOTHER round of Clomid, but upped the dose to 150mg. I guess I'm just confused by everything this doctor does, because it is so opposite of what the past one did. I almost wish I would have never known this 'other side', because I just am confused... not doubting, but trying to understand how 2 doctors can be SOOO different. So lucky for Travis, he gets to deal with my Clomid Crazies over the long weekend. I promised I would try to be nice, but with Clomid, you never can tell. I go back for another ultrasound next Friday.

'Raw Heartache"

This is truly a great story. I'm grateful that the mainstream media picked up this subject, because it can often be touchy. Revealing the 'raw heartache' of Miscarriage

Just Relax...

Don't you freaking hate it when people say that! I.Hate.It. However, I tried to take advice, and not obsess over this month's cycle. Now that I know that my body can actually respond in the correct way, I am trying to 'take it easy' on the obsessing. In fact, I had pushed all the infertility crap so far to the back of my brain, on Sunday I forgot to take my Clomid. Oops... maybe I pushed it to far back. I took it first thing Monday morning when I remembered, and then my normal dose that night right before bed... hopefully that will get everything still where it needs to be, when it needs to be. So for the rest of this month... I'm "relaxing", but not to much! Scan on Thursday to see if my follies grew (even with the missed, and then 'caught up' dose of Clomid). I guess we will see in a few days.