Our house

Right now, our four bedroom house isn't big enough for my husband and I.... and there is a huge snowstorm on the way.

They have all kinds of funny names for it, but for a girl from New Mexico, a 'blizzard warning' is somewhat panic inducing....

Magic Mix

I don't know what magical combination happened yesterday, but I woke up feeling like a brand new person... still not 'well', but not near death anymore.

It's amazing.

So I have this thought... how about next time, we do whatever happened yesterday at week one, not week nine after I'm so miserable I'm in tears.

I'm not sure if it was the breathing treatment or what, but my cough has loosed up (and between the cough suppressant is almost gone). 

I'm now congested, and can't breath through my nose, but I will take that over how I've been feeling.

I've decided to keep my appointment next week with the pulmonologist.  This is the second time in a year that I've had something settle in my lungs and not.go.away.ever.  Well, at least not for 2+ months.  The last time was during the spring March-May... same thing, kept going back, and they kept upping it and upping it.

I want to see if there is an underlying issue that when crap gets in my lungs it just sticks around, and if that is the case, now that it's happened twice, next time I have something settle in my chest, we can just hit it really hard right at the beginning, instead of allowing it to drag on and drag on.

I get that doctors don't like whipping out the 'big guns' antibiotics at the beginning, but good grief, at this point it's taken that TWICE to get rid of it.  Maybe we can set the new precedent for my future care.

I'm hoping to be 'on the mend' for the next few days, and if I feel well enough on Monday, start the Couch to 5k program with a friend.... there is a reason why I'm doing it... but more on that later!

Doctors Visit

So I went to the doctor.  Again. 

I was almost in tears because I was in so much pain, and overall frustrated with the whole situation.

Just to sum up: 
My first visit was 9 weeks ago....

1st Dr. Appointment - Amantadine ( for virus) and Z pack (an antibiotic), iv of fluids/vitamins, and shot (antihistamine and steroid)
1st ER visit-  they added a decongestant to the mix
2nd Dr. Appointment - Amantadine (for virus) and omnicef (stronger antibiotic), iv of fluids/vitamins, and shot (antihistamine and steroid).
2nd ER visit- (Sunday night), chest x-ray and hydrocodone cough suppressant
3rd Dr. Appointment- Amantadine (again!) and Levaquin (an even stronger antibiotic), iv of fluids/vitamins, and a shot of rocephin (which I've been told is the strongest they can give without hospitalization), and a breathing treatment

My doctor today said that the report from the radiologist didn't show anything unusual, so he doesn't know where the ER doctor got the 'spots' from.  I basically said that at this point, I don't care... I just know that this isn't normal for me to be this sick, for this long, and not have a reason.

He agreed, and said he was going to 'hit it harder now'... with med's I suppose. 

I hurt, and it's not the ache that I get when I get a cold... like literally when I put clothes on and they touch my skin, it hurts, when I walk down the driveway (its at a little angle) the downward pull hurts, it's crazy, and besides that I don't know how to describe it.  I wish it were a deep ache, ibuprofen would take care of that- but this is such surface pain, it's weird.

I'm supposed to call the nurse tomorrow and let her know how things are going, and I have a follow up appointment next Monday.  he says he expects me to be 99% better by then.

Let's hope so.

Because I'm so over this. Like really.

9 weeks later

So, remember when I was feeling sick, I complained about it here, here, and here.

Well, ya, I'm still sick.

In fact, two days ago, I could hardly breath and went to the ER.  Granted this was after two visits to my primary care doctor, and a visit to urgent care (suggested by my primary care doctor because he was booked). 

They did an x-ray.

I have spots on my lungs.

Now, I'm no doctor, but even I know that spots on my lungs can't be good. (in fact they said I probably had whopping cough (I had it when I was younger, allergic to the vaccine), or some sort of fungus)

Every night, my husband stays away, watching me, because I'm breathing funny, and he's scared.

I'm on my second round of antibiotics, and am 7 days into the 10 day regime, and my sinus yuckyness has turned green.... so that means a sinus infection THROUGH antibiotics.

Somethings wrong.

The ER gave me an 'urgent referral' to a Pulmonologist.  They just called... and said they can get me in next Friday.  This Friday isn't quick enough, much less next Friday.  She looked at his other office, and they have an appointment on Monday.  Six days from now.

Really?

I couldn't help but break down in tears.  I have never been this sick. I've coughed so much, I've bruised my ribs, and every time I cough now (which is quite frequent), I feel like my head is going to explode from the pressure.  And though it's my upper body that's sick, my whole body hurts, even my feet.  It's bazaar.

I called my primary care doctor, (he's in the same hospital as the ER I went to), and he's getting those records along with my xray (that shows spots on my lungs...) and I'm going to see him in a few hours.

"You know"...

Do you ever have a phrase, that you just hate.  No matter when you hear the beginning of it, you know what is coming, and you just cringe.

I think for a lot of newlyweds, the phrase is "So, umm..."  because so often it goes like this.

"So, ummm... when are you guys going to start having kids?"


Well, now that we are in this world of adoption, my new 'cringe phrase' is, "You know..." because it always ends like this.

"You know, now that you are trying to adopt you're going to get pregnant!".

How do you respond to that.  One part of me (the evil Jenn part I suppose) wants to yell, "Well, actually, yes we can get pregnant, that was never the problem, it's the keeping it that is the issue you see... we've had 6 miscarriages, my body can't hold a baby, so even if we get pregnant, it's a death sentence". 

My husband takes a more graceful approach of "We'll see about that."

And yes, I know there are hundreds of thousand's of stories or people adopting, then having several biological children, I don't need to hear them again. 

It didn't work for my Mom, she adopted both of us, and never once got a positive pregnancy test after we came home (or in the 17 years of trying before they adopted us!).

It more then likely won't work for us.  I'm not counting on it, in fact, we are doing what we can to prevent getting pregnant.  It's not worth the risk, or the heartache.  It never ends well, and trust me, I have a track record to prove it.

I try to hold a smile, and entertain their rambling thoughts about a great aunt's step daughter who adopted from Ethiopia, and now has twins... I really don't care.  That's not my story, not my history, those chapters of trying to get pregnant have already been written in our book.  And unfortunately they all end the same way.

Saturday

Thursday
Friday

I suppose it's time to finish the story....

We woke up the next morning filled with all kinds of feelings, mostly dread for the phone call the confirmed they were going to parent, but I'd be lying if I didn't say there was also some hope mixed in there too.

Travis was up before me, and was in the computer room.  By the time I woke up, it was about 8:30, and I went and crawled in his lap, not saying anything, because nothing needed to be said.  We stayed like that for a while, and decided that if we hadn't heard anything by a specific time, we would text the case worker.

I texted, and got no response.  We debated going up to the hospital, because if we were gong to take him home, we needed to watch 'video classes', but we weren't really sure.  After wrestling with the what-if's, we decided to stick close to the house, and just wait.

It seems like so much of this process is waiting.  We waited for cycle's to happen, waited to trigger, waited for betas to rise... and then drop.  We waited for paperwork, and approval, and waited to be matched, waited for the next doctors appointment, waited for her induction date, and now, waiting to see, after all the waiting, if we were really going to bring home this beautiful baby boy. 

I jumped in the shower.  I had take my phone in the bathroom, just in case.  Sure enough, as soon as I dipped my head under the water, it started ringing.  I jumped out wrapped a towel around me, dried off my hand and face and answered it.  It was our case worker.  She said "Hello Jennifer..." and then she paused.  I knew.  It was a harder blow then those phone calls saying my betas dropped.  "I'm so very sorry to tell you this, but they have decided to parent."  The tears were already there, and as I ran across the house to where Travis was, he turned around, saw me dripping wet and crying, and started crying too.  I put her on speaker phone, and sat on his lap while we listened. 

She told us that they had really thought about it, but didn't realize it was going to be this hard.  She told us about the chain of events, which started with at text message from BM to the case worker, and the calls between the the case worker, the BM, and the domestic supervisor for the agency (she is the one in our corner). 

It was over.

They were taking him home in a few hours.  Some "friends and family had gotten some things together for them"...

It takes more then a damn trip to Wal Mart to raise a baby.

We hung up, and just sat together, crying. 

We called our parents and told them it was over.  We called our best friends (who had been at the hospital with us the day before).  I called another close friend, who is also an adoptive mamma, but when she answered, I had told the story so much, I couldn't do it again.  I just cried.  She knew what had happened, and just cried with me.  Eventually I got it all out, and said good bye to her.  I started to shiver, so went back in the shower to warm up.  We both crawled back into bed, held each other, and cried.

Looking back, we did a lot of our grieving on Friday, because deep down, we both knew it was over, on Saturday we were more mad at the situation.  That little boy was going to be condemned to the same life his parents had, uneducated (neither graduated high school), unsupported (no family attachments), and stuck.

It would have been better if they told us they had just changed their minds about the family, and had picked a different one.  It would have still sucked, but at least he would have been in a home with two parents, who loved God, loved each other, and loved him.

Our heart breaks for him. 

We don't know why God made us travel this road, to fall in love with this little boy, but He did, and someday maybe we will know.

We see people at church or in other areas of our lives, and they ask us how we are doing.  I don't know.  I often answer, "We're surviving."  because that's the basis of it.  We have tried to get back in the swing of our normal life.  I had so set myself up mentally not to going back to work, so that has been hard, because on the cold mornings when I'm trudging into a new school building, I think "I should be home with a little boy snuggled close to me".  I'm trying to get those thoughts out of my head, because that's not our reality.  Our reality is we still have empty arms, we are still waiting for our child. 

A few days after this, Travis said he didn't know if he could ever use the name Isaac again.  I told him that the little boy we loved on wasn't our Isaac, he was the name his parents picked out (that we were going to use as a middle name).  I reminded him that some day we will have our Isaac. 

Someday.

We've bounced back, and will continue to.  The agency said they were surprised at how well we were doing.  I hate to say it, but it's not the first time we've experienced loss.  We've lost 6 children already, this was our seventh.  The only difference is we actually got to hold him.  But yes, unfortunately loss is something not new to us.  We will get through it.  Together.

Friday

Thursday
Saturday

Thanks again for coming to my defence, surprise surprise, 'they' have left... or maybe they just didn't want to respond to my past post... but  now that I'm getting back to the story, they might show up again...

We woke up that morning, and I slept as well as I can remember in the weeks before.  We stopped and got BM a big bouquet of flowers, and then stopped at Mickey D's to grab breakfast for everyone.

When we got there, she was sitting in bed, holding him.  We got all the food out and ready, and she asked me if I wanted to hold him... uhhh Duh!  So I passed her the breakfast sandwich and held him. Trav ate, and then I passed the baby to him so I could eat.

While we were eating the BD had one of his friends stop by.  I can say he was not what I was expecting.  The BD had not worked for over a year, is living at a men's shelter, and always disheveled.  This guy was clean cut, had on ironed khaki pants and a polo, and seemed very put together.  I'm thinking he was more of a mentor type guy for the BD.  He was very nice, included us in the conversation, and wished us the best of luck with the baby.

After he left, I went downstairs to grab some coffee from their little cafe (think- wanna be- starbucks).  While down there, I got phone calls from Trav's sister, my Mom, the lawyer and the social worker.  BM had also asked me to grab some cream for her coffee that came with the hospital breakfast, but I had to go to the cafeteria to get that.  As I was about to leave the cafeteria to head back up to the maternity floor, Travis called me and told me she wanted to leave and go smoke, and they needed someone in the room with a bracelet, (her and I had the two), so I needed to come back up. 

BM was in a lot of pain, she has a really bad back, and between the labor and hospital bed, was really hurting.  She wanted to go out and smoke, and tried to walk, but after getting about 4 doors down, she was in so much pain, she had to come back.  BD tried to get her to call the nurse to get some pain meds, bt she insisted she had pills not very long ago, and there wasn't enough time that had passed for the next dose.  I noticed on her whiteboard that they had listed both tylenol and ibuprofen, so I told her that often you can piggy-back those two, so you have pain meds every couple hours... she called the nurse, and got the next dose of whatever she could.  She played in bed and waited for them to take affect.  This whole time, they have not asked (and barely looked) at the baby, so we just continued to hold and rock them.

Once she felt better, the BD found a wheelchair (which is a whole other mess of drama), and they ended up going outside.  While they were gone, both the hospital social worker, and the agency case worker came to the room.  We shared with the case worker what had happened that morning, (not much- just lack of anything going on).  While they were gone, we changed diapers, and took some more pictures.  They had told us the day before that they were going to bring some clothes they had picked out to take pictures in.  The first time I changed his diaper, I almost laughed out loud... they had bought 3-6 month clothes and he was s.w.i.m.m.i.n.g in them....  looking back, I just shake my head.

Eventually they came back up, but BD was the only one to come in the room, and asked the case worker to come out to the hall.  I don't know how long the three of them stood in the hall, but at some point they went into the classroom that was across the hall from her room.  They were in there for over 1 1/2 hours talking.  During that time we fed him, and changed another diaper (a meconium one!), and waited, and cried, and held him, we had a feeling that whatever was being talked about would end up in heartbreak for us.

The pediatrician came in just as they came back, and did an exam.  She found a small birth defect that will eventually need surgical correction, but apparently is quite common, but ended up talking about it for a while.  (he voids from two spots, so he couldn't get circumcised right away, because they would need that tissue to do the corrective surgery at about 6 months).

As soon as the pediatrician left, the case worker talked with all of us about the BM and BD needing some time to talk and be with him, so they asked us to leave.  We unwrapped him from the blanket we had brought (thinking we should get his scent on it for the dogs to become familiar with it), and left with her. 

While the pediatrician was there, I had gotten a text message from my best friend, saying she was at the hospital, not to see the baby, but to give us a hug.  While the BM and BD were out of the room, we had been updating her on how we were feeling.  We all sat (Trav, our best friend, the case worker and I) in the waiting area, and talked about all that had gone on with the conversations.  The were questioning their decision, and she went over their reasons for making an adoption plan in the first place.  She asked if their job sitsuation had changed (no- neither had worked in over a year), if their financial situation had changed (no- still abandoned by extended family, no money), if their housing situation had changed (no- they were both at a shelter, BM bouncing between a shelter and a friends house), if the parenting of her other two children had changed (no- thier fathers were out of the picture, a son newly diagnosed with autism, high level of overwhelming stress).  We cried.  The case worker said they both admitted that they knew it was what was best for their son, but that they didn't think it was going to be that hard.  She thought there was an 80% chance of still placing. 

The case worker left, and we went down to the main floor, near the entrance.  There is a large seating area, and we sat, trying to collect our thoughts.  We knew it was over.  We knew that when we said goodbye, we would be saying goodbye forever.  We just knew. 

Our friend held us, and cried with us, and prayed with us.  There were times I almost couldn't breath.  We knew we had to call our parents.  We had been here before.  Sitting at the bottom of a hospital telling our parents that there wasn't going to be a baby anymore.  The last time was in November 2008, when we found out that our Sea Monkey had stopped growing at 10w5d.  I was able to make it through most of the conversation with my parents.  Trav tried calling his, got through saying "it's Trav, umm", and then broke down.  He was so choked up he couldn't say anymore.  He hung up the phone and walked over to the corner and collapsed.  His back heaved as he sobbed uncontrollably.  I was barely keeping things together, and seeing him so visually in pain, it broke me.  I've never seen him like that.  Not even when we lost our 'big' pregnancy, or any of the other 5.....  I had never seen him like that.  Eventually, I went over and laid my head on his back, and hugged him around his chest. 

There was nothing that either of us could do to help the other ones hurt.  Our friend called a pastor at our church who had been with us on this adoption journey, to let them know. 
We drove home in a daze.  On facebook we asked for people to pray for God's will to be done.  And we prayed for peace.  We crawled into bed and cried.  And slept, and cried. 

That night, Travis' Dad, step-mom, little brother and sister, and some extended family were driving through our city.  They asked if they could stop by.  They stayed for about an hour, but we didn't have much to talk about.  They all passed on their love, and then his Dad and step mom and us prayed. 

We eventually had watched enough mind (and emotion) numbing tv, and tried to go to bed.  We knew either way, tomorrow we would know.  We were supposed to go back to the hospital that next morning, to watch the videos, show them our car seat and take him home.  We would know if any of that would happen.

Some Comments

I was going to continue the story of last week, but instead have been distracted by three women.  They have made several anti-adoption comments on my past post.  I knew eventually they'd find me, I've had several blog friends that have disabled all comments because of the hateful ones they got.  Sorry ladies, you won't win.... the 120+ comments of support and love are worth your three hurtful comments.  And really, go ahead and attack me, but when you start attacking people defending me, I will take those posts down. 

I'm so sorry that you have had such horrible experiences with adoption.  Only someone who has truly been hurt could harbor that much hate for something.  I wish you had an experience more like mine.  My birthmother made an adoption plan when I was born.  I was picked up at the hospital by my parents, and it truly was a fairy tail.  I have an amazing family with a little brother who was also brought to us by the MIRICAL OF ADOPTION.

So like I said, I'm so so sorry that you have been so hurt in the past, I hope that someday you find peace, but for now, my husband and I will continue with our adoption plan, we will find the child that GOD has picked out for us.

My husband thinks I should take your posts down, but I'm not sure I will take them all down, only the ones that you have attacked people that defended me.

I pray you find peace. 

Thursday

I don't really know where to start in this story, but I know I have so many people out there supporting us, I want to somehow share it with you. 

Since I can't put names, and they aren't the 'birth parents' anymore, I'm going to us BM-Baby Momma, and BD- Baby Daddy throughout this story.

She was scheduled to be induced Thursday morning at 7:30.  She asked us to be there about 8:15, because the beginning was just getting her hooked up and in her gown and get her in the room.  When we got there, they were all still in the waiting room.  She had the baby's daddy (supposedly), and her best friend.  The girls were in a good mood, talking and laughing, telling us about their Christmas, but the BD was really mopey.  Trav and I had gotten some snacks the night before, bananas, fruit cups, donut holes, stuff like that.  She laughed because she could only have ice chips.  We waited.  And waited.  After about an hour, the front desk told her that it was going to be at least another hour before they took her back.  BD hadn't eaten, so they left to get him some breakfast. 
While they were gone, the case worker showed up.  She is the case worker that we initially met at an adoption forum that a local church had.  We have been working with her, and she did our home study, so we have a closer relationship with her then with most case workers.  She is the one that had been working with BM and BD for the past six months, and was there to really represent them, our 'representation' was about 3 hours away where our agency is located.  The case worker went to go talk to the staff about the induction and adoption plan.  They said that they weren't sure they were going to take any more inductions today because they were busy (uh ya- they still hadn't had BM back!).  I almost broke down, because we had been waiting for this day (thinking it was going to be two days earlier), and they said then, no matter what, they would get her in today.
About 11:30, they came back, and she got pulled to go back to the room, and we were able to go back about an hour later.  While we were waiting, the BD's sister came by with her daughter.  They were very nice, and wished us the best of luck, she told her brother she was proud of him, and they left.  Right before we went back, the case worker talked with us alone, and said everything looked good, she still was right on track for her adoption plan.
The doctor told us he wanted to be home by 4:30, and said the baby would be here by 4:00pm.
We were in the room for most of the day, just leaving to grab a bite to eat when she had the epidural, and every time they checked her cervix.  Througout the day the baby's head was moving down, but she was stuck at 6cm for about 5 hours.  They kept upping the oxytocin , until about 6:00pm, (the doctors timeline was obviously busted at this point), when they came in and turned it completely off.  The doctor had been called away to do an emergency hysterectomy, and they didn't want to keep 'pushing' labor.  Her contractions slowed way down and lost about 1/2 their intensity.  When the doctor called to tell them to start the oxytocin again because he was on his way there, they checked her, and she was dilated and ready to start pushing.  While we were waiting for the doctor to come, we were all in tears, even the nurses.  We told them that it wasn't fair that our happiest day would be sad for them.  The BD said that no, it was a happy day for them too, because they knew this was best.  The doctor came, gave us all a hug.  We left, and literally stood outside the door holding hands with our ear's to the door. 
He was born at 8:28 pm, and we heard it all.  Once they took the baby away to clean him up, her friend (who had our camera) came out and showed us pictures.  Once BM had delivered the placenta and got cleaned up herself, they said that we could come in.  She was holding the baby, who she passed to the BD who then passed to me.  He was beautiful.  We got to hold him for a majority of the rest of the evening.  She wanted Burger King, so the case worker went and got them several sandwiches.  The whole time, Travis and I were holding the little guy, loving on him, kissing on him, and falling in love.
We stayed with them all in the deliver room until about midnight, when they were getting ready to move her up to the maternity floor.  We said our good nights, gave the little one a kiss, took the breakfast order for the next morning, and blissfully went home.
We had sent pictures to our family, posted some of facebook, and smiled as we fell to sleep in each others arms, ready to go back to see him the next morning.

The rest of the story
Friday
Saturday

around

We're still around.  Just trying to make it through the day.

Today I took back a bunch of stuff Travis and I had bought (outfits mostly).  A good friend of mine came over yesterday and helped pack up all the baby stuff.  And she cried with me, and reminded me that the next time I saw all this we would be happy because it'd mean that we have another baby.

Thank you all for your kind comments, prayers, and words of encouragement and support.

I've gotten through today without crying (even taking stuff back- but we kinda lied, to help me get through it).  I'll try to write what has gone on the last 4 days, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 

But for now, we're here, and we're together, and we're not letting this be the end of our story.

OUR STORY ISN'T OVER YET!

Failed Match

They decided to parent the baby.