Thursday, January 6, 2011

Thursday

I don't really know where to start in this story, but I know I have so many people out there supporting us, I want to somehow share it with you. 

Since I can't put names, and they aren't the 'birth parents' anymore, I'm going to us BM-Baby Momma, and BD- Baby Daddy throughout this story.

She was scheduled to be induced Thursday morning at 7:30.  She asked us to be there about 8:15, because the beginning was just getting her hooked up and in her gown and get her in the room.  When we got there, they were all still in the waiting room.  She had the baby's daddy (supposedly), and her best friend.  The girls were in a good mood, talking and laughing, telling us about their Christmas, but the BD was really mopey.  Trav and I had gotten some snacks the night before, bananas, fruit cups, donut holes, stuff like that.  She laughed because she could only have ice chips.  We waited.  And waited.  After about an hour, the front desk told her that it was going to be at least another hour before they took her back.  BD hadn't eaten, so they left to get him some breakfast. 
While they were gone, the case worker showed up.  She is the case worker that we initially met at an adoption forum that a local church had.  We have been working with her, and she did our home study, so we have a closer relationship with her then with most case workers.  She is the one that had been working with BM and BD for the past six months, and was there to really represent them, our 'representation' was about 3 hours away where our agency is located.  The case worker went to go talk to the staff about the induction and adoption plan.  They said that they weren't sure they were going to take any more inductions today because they were busy (uh ya- they still hadn't had BM back!).  I almost broke down, because we had been waiting for this day (thinking it was going to be two days earlier), and they said then, no matter what, they would get her in today.
About 11:30, they came back, and she got pulled to go back to the room, and we were able to go back about an hour later.  While we were waiting, the BD's sister came by with her daughter.  They were very nice, and wished us the best of luck, she told her brother she was proud of him, and they left.  Right before we went back, the case worker talked with us alone, and said everything looked good, she still was right on track for her adoption plan.
The doctor told us he wanted to be home by 4:30, and said the baby would be here by 4:00pm.
We were in the room for most of the day, just leaving to grab a bite to eat when she had the epidural, and every time they checked her cervix.  Througout the day the baby's head was moving down, but she was stuck at 6cm for about 5 hours.  They kept upping the oxytocin , until about 6:00pm, (the doctors timeline was obviously busted at this point), when they came in and turned it completely off.  The doctor had been called away to do an emergency hysterectomy, and they didn't want to keep 'pushing' labor.  Her contractions slowed way down and lost about 1/2 their intensity.  When the doctor called to tell them to start the oxytocin again because he was on his way there, they checked her, and she was dilated and ready to start pushing.  While we were waiting for the doctor to come, we were all in tears, even the nurses.  We told them that it wasn't fair that our happiest day would be sad for them.  The BD said that no, it was a happy day for them too, because they knew this was best.  The doctor came, gave us all a hug.  We left, and literally stood outside the door holding hands with our ear's to the door. 
He was born at 8:28 pm, and we heard it all.  Once they took the baby away to clean him up, her friend (who had our camera) came out and showed us pictures.  Once BM had delivered the placenta and got cleaned up herself, they said that we could come in.  She was holding the baby, who she passed to the BD who then passed to me.  He was beautiful.  We got to hold him for a majority of the rest of the evening.  She wanted Burger King, so the case worker went and got them several sandwiches.  The whole time, Travis and I were holding the little guy, loving on him, kissing on him, and falling in love.
We stayed with them all in the deliver room until about midnight, when they were getting ready to move her up to the maternity floor.  We said our good nights, gave the little one a kiss, took the breakfast order for the next morning, and blissfully went home.
We had sent pictures to our family, posted some of facebook, and smiled as we fell to sleep in each others arms, ready to go back to see him the next morning.

The rest of the story
Friday
Saturday

33 comments:

  1. I'm so very sorry for your loss, cause that is what it is. I hope the bm and bd know how much pain they have caused you and your DH.

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  2. Ugh Jenn. What a big lump in my throat I have. You can do this. You will pull through. I'm proud of you coming back to blog about it...for you...and for us. Hugs dear friend.

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  3. Jenn, this is heart-wrenching. I can't say how sorry I am.

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  4. Good for you for getting all of this down. You are such a rock star. You are right...there is a ton of support out here for you.

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  5. I am so sorry that this has happened.
    I hope that you have the things and people you need to help support you through this.

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  6. I hope blogging will help a wee bit. its just so unfair. hang in there

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  7. I am so sorry you had to go thru this experience. I hope you know we are all here to support you in this difficult time and if you need to talk or anything just email me :) J

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  8. I agree with the rest of the commenters...blogging about this is going to be therapeutic for you. I have to admit that I'm angry as I read your story. BM and BD clearly know what is best for this child, and I can only imagine that they selfishly had a change of heart, not taking the child's best interests into account. I'm so so sorry.

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  9. I'm glad that you're talking about it. I hope that helps you work through this hell that you're enduring.

    Thinking of you. And again, I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss.

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  10. I can only imagine this as it unfolds and I know at this point in your story, you are at your best. I can only want the very best things for you and am sending you warm thoughts as you guys sort through the aftermath of such heartbreak.

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  11. DAMN! I am so incredibly sorry.

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  12. Damn! I'm so incredibly pleased for you that you so obviously love and cherish is gonna get to grow up with the people who it can love most - it's actual real flesh and blood parents.

    It's ok though, you can always ask the agency to do you a discount on another one - my mom managed it.

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  13. EDIT: pleased for you that **that baby** you so obviously love and cherish

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  14. I am so sorry...that is a heartbreaking story. I hope soon you have your fairytale come true...you deserve it!

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  15. Thank God this baby was saved from a life with strangers. Very telling that you call his MOTHER a "BM".

    Pre-birth matching is coercive and wrong. I am so happy this baby is where he was meant to stay- in his OWN natural family.

    There are no "fairytale" adoptions. It is full of loss for the adoptee and his or her FIRST Mother. Shame on you for partaking in something so coercive.

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  16. Linda, May God have mercy on your soul for the hateful words that you express to others!

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  17. Linda and 7rin I am truly sorry that there is so much pain in your past that you would lash out at someone you know nothing about and a situation you know very little about. I hope you find peace and healing but taking it out on a blog in such a cruel way won't heal your hurt.
    Sarah

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  18. Thank you, Amanda and Pioneer Mom.

    Jenn, I'm sorry that you are in pain; and I'm so sad that some can't seem to understand the pain that you are in. I know that you loved that little boy from the moment you knew he was a possibility, and I know that you will always have a little piece of your heart that is aching for him. You would be--and WILL BE--an amazing mother.

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  19. The first thing that stood out here is a malpractice suit against the doctor! He clearly did not make the mother’s or the baby’s health his top priority. The next is the idea that any agency social worker could truly represent an expectant mother’s best interests. Let's be honest. They are in the business of severing families & then selling the babies to others they have pre-approved to buy them, for a hefty price, I might add. That’s how they make their living. No babies to sell - no adoption business.

    After reading your story, it’s a good example of why pre-birth adoption matching is so ethically wrong! Someone is always going to needlessly get hurt when they try to lay a claim on another woman's baby. An expectant mother considering adoption is not a reason for anyone to feel entitled to her child. Nothing is final until an adoption decree is issued in court. (Posting pictures of someone else’s baby on your FB page is a bit premature to say the least, & also borders on the creepy side). And even if you do succeed in separating a mother & baby to adoption, they will experience a lifetime of pain & related issues in order for YOU to get what YOU think will make YOU happy. Is that something you would feel comfortable with inflicting upon another family? That is selfish, not a vulnerable family struggling to stay together. Stranger adults and agency workers have absolutely NO business hanging around in maternity wards! Mothers & babies need private time to bond. Clearly this child was never yours. He was not available for adoption. There ARE children who have already had their parents' rights terminated. They are currently in foster care. Please inquire with your state, unless of course, those children not good enough for you…

    Continued ->

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  20. (Continued)
    Something to keep in mind is that we do not always get everything we want. Sorry, but sometimes life is just not fair. Not everyone is meant to be a parent either. Nobody owes you their baby. I suggest you & others in your boat get counseling so you can accept that. And certainly before you try to become a substitute parent for any other child. Adoption is about children’s needs, not yours. And by the way, a child may need a home & have a right to one, but you do not need a child nor have a right to one. You want one. There are many other ways to involve children in your life without trying to take someone else's child & pretend it's your own. Maybe someday you will be able to move on and find another purpose in life.

    Note for Amanda - Adoption is meant for children who have no parents or other family to care for them. Fortunately, this child does have his real family. That is cause for celebration that he will grow up wanted & loved & not have to be subjected to a lifetime adoption experience after all. Adoption is meant to be a last-resort service to provide homes for CHILDREN who really need them, not a tool invented to replace the inability of adults to naturally give birth.

    And for Noelle - We have no indication that this child would be abused if raised in his natural family. The parents are not dead or in jail. We also know there are extended family members available. Adoption is simply not needed for this child. Those parents WERE thinking of what is best for a child & that's not being given away. Adoption is no guarantee of a happy life for the child free of the issues that affect the rest of society such as divorce, illness, death, abuse, layoffs, etc. Please do the research to see this is true. Temporary material things do not mean as much to children as their own family's love and all the intangibles of peace & security that go along with living a life being where you were meant to be.

    And to any of you who think that adoption will cure infertility or fix the other problems in your life - it won't. It creates far more problems. Research & learn the truth about adoption. Thanks,

    julie j
    reunited adult adoptee

    P.S. the other adoptees who attempted to educate here are telling the truth, as painful as that may be to hear.

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  21. Linda, Mara and Julie,

    Please go somewhere else and rain on other's parades. Jenn is greiving and she doesn't need you guys here to make her feel worse. My husband is an adoptee and he wouldn't have it any other way. I think you guys need some sort of therapy for your troubled adoption experience. Are you familiar with God's Plan?

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  23. I sent 'em some useful links.

    [quote]Some adoption truths:
    It's entirely possible to help someone parent without snatching their child away from them: Each One Help One
    @ http://www.values.com/your-inspirational-stories/1306-EACH-ONE-HELP-ONE

    This is how the adoption industry finds out how to convince people to abandon their kids:
    The National Council for Adoption: Mothers, Money, Marketing, and Madness
    * Part 1 @ http://www.divinecaroline.com/22095/39669-national-council-adoption-mothers-money
    * Part 2 @ http://www.divinecaroline.com/22095/39676-national-council-adoption--mothers--money-

    The Myth of the Forever Family @ http://brainchildmag.com/essays/summer2010_friedman.asp

    Taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self: http://www.nancyverrier.com/self_book.php

    For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
    (pg 50)

    Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
    (pg 102)

    It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."
    (pg 117)

    Abandoned to adoption at 7mths old. I didn't have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen... but if I'd been able to choose, I'd've chosen to be aborted instead 'cause at least that way the lifetime of agony would've been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I've been suffering for now.

    I've been in reunion over a year now, and even that's agonising.[quote]

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  24. I think adoption is the most selfless thing a birth mother and adoptive mother can do. So Jenn, keep going. I can't imagine how hard this has been for you, but think about that trite saying that's on every wall of every high school gym in America, "That which does not kill you only makes you stronger." Your happy ending will be that much sweeter because of this. AP

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  25. Wow Jen. . .I do not know you personally, but discovered your blog while dealing with my own infertility issues and looking into adoption. We met with an international adoption agency one week and found out that we were pregnant the next.

    I want to first say how sorry I am for your loss and YES it is your loss!!! You were led to believe over several weeks that the BM was giving you a child. I can not even imagine your pain.

    I also would like to say how sorry I am that people who have obviously not dealt with their own issues of being adopted have decide to attack you and kick you while you are down. Adoption is not evil. It is an amazingly unselfish thing that God has created. It is unselfish from the birth parents giving up their child and it is unselfish from the adoptive parents willing to raise a child that is not biologically their own.

    Those women who have decided to attack you need to go to therapy and deal with their issues of being adopted and how they were raised.

    Even though I am 32 weeks pregnant and am over joyed by my little man coming into this world, my heart still aches for the beautiful Ethiopian child I thought I would be bringing home. After much soul searching and praying, I firmly believe that my infertility issues were given to me so our family's eyes and hearts would be opened to adoption. We still plan on adopting one day and I know that child is mine just as much as the child I am carrying now.

    I am praying for you and your family. Please ignore some of these bitter women who need to deal with their own issues instead of hurting you.

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  26. Clearly you ladies have quite the anti-adoption blogosphere going on. Perhaps you should stay there and help each other heal from your experiences. Attacking other people cannot possibly be productive in your recovery.

    For each of your stories about miserable adoptive upbringings there are stories of children being abused, neglected, and even killed by the natural parents who perhaps should have given their children a chance at a more stable (not more financially sound as you seem to feel) family who actually wants children. Yes, all circumstances are different, there is no one-size-fits-all answer, but kicking someone while they are down certainly is not something a person of any decency would do. Hang in there Jennifer.

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  27. This is such a sad story, on both sides. I cannot believe how you are being attacked...it is so needless and what point does it serve? You are hurting and your family is hurting. Do these bitter women think that they will change your mind about becoming a mother with their hurtful words? I think not. I don't know why this happened but I do know that you will find a match and that you will bring a baby home that you will love and cherish for the rest of your life. Life is not sunshine and roses in any family, biological or adoptive. Life is what you make of it and Jenn, you are on the path to finding a child that will make your life sweeter and happier than you ever could have imagined. Hang in there and hold your head high. And as always, many (((hugs))) during this difficult time.

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  28. I've never posted before, but after skimming through these HORRIBLE anti-adoption comments...I am pissed!

    My mother gave up a baby for adoption when she was 18. She later went on to have me and my sister. I am 42 years old now & I can honestly say that I wish my mother had given me up for adoption as well. She was an AWFUL, horribly abusive mother! And to think that there are hundreds of loving people out there who would have loved to have me as their daughter.

    Shame on you Linda! You have no clue what you are talking about.

    You just can't win. Someone's always gotta be against something. Pro-lifers tell us to respect human life, have a baby you don't want, and then give the baby up for adoption as an alternate choice to abortion. Then there are people like you who say adoption is wrong.

    WTF?

    I just don't get it. Even in nature, animals adopt an unwilling mother's baby. Sometimes even crossing species to do so. A mother's love is strong, so strong. It crosses over through many boundaries, as it should.

    Jenn, my love and support is with you.

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  29. Jenn~
    I don't know why I hadn't come across this comments before..But after reading some of them, I have to add my two cents.
    1) How absolutely AWFUL and sub-human to kick someone while they are down. If someone has an anti-adoption agenda(which it seems some of these commenters just might) then keep it to yourself until your in a more approrpiate medium..This is NOT IT!! Jenn,what you guys are doing is amazing and will change a childs life..For the better!!!
    2) The child's birthmother picked you guys to adopt her baby, an act that, at the time, she thought was best for her baby. You didn't do anything out of malice or try to "buy" her baby. You were not seperating w/o her choice. And at the same time, she chose to parent the child, a CHOICE she was given and the option she chose. No one COERCED her into doing either one of these things.
    3) Re-reading some of these comments brings tears to my eyes. Especially the ones about adoption being the "last resort" or the worst thing for a child..I am a child of adoption. I wish my mother had chosen adoption BEFORE she subjected me to abuse that almost cost me my life. Adoption should have been the FIRST option for her. She was not, and will never be my "First Mom." I will never search for her, I do not want to be reunited w/her. The ONLY mother I will ever have is the momma I have now. I also don't wish to know anything about my birthfather, who abused and abandoned my mother. I have ONE set of parents, the ones who prayed for me, who hoped for me, who have cared for me, who have protected and NEVER abused me, and who will love me more then life until the day they die. Just as Jenn & Travis will when they adopt their baby. How hateful to think anything less of adoption.

    I'm sorry I got on my soapbox, but obviously, this is a subject close to my heart. Jenn, keep your head up and your heart open. You WILL have your baby. Love you!!!

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  30. I am sorry for the trauma you've experienced from this process. I just hope you consider that the child was spared from that pain & loss instead...

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  31. I don't even have words to describe the utter disgust I feel after reading such vile filled comments such as above. We adopted my son in October. We did not meet birthmom beforehand. She found our agency. She went through counseling (several months) and her plan was always adoption. Do you think it would of been a great environment for the baby to grow up with a mother who tried to abort him with alcohol and drugs throughout the first trimester? Who would never know his father because there were several possibilities and none that could be found? With a family who had no clue about him because the birthmom felt the need to hide her pregnancy? Tell me how that's better off than being in a stable home with two loving parents who will do whatever it takes to ensure this child has the best life possible. How it would be better off to stay with his birthmother who already had two children removed by DFS? We are more than open to having an open relationship with our son's birthmother and her family, but she wants nothing to do with him. All of you take your hate and psychological issues elsewhere. Leave this poor woman alone. Let her grieve. After all according to you all the birth parents got what you wanted - they kept their child. Go celebrate your crap elsewhere and I'm sorry your adoptions all sucked. I pity you and your families.

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  32. Just wanted to say how sorry I am about how things turned out.

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