Monday, January 24, 2011

"You know"...

Do you ever have a phrase, that you just hate.  No matter when you hear the beginning of it, you know what is coming, and you just cringe.

I think for a lot of newlyweds, the phrase is "So, umm..."  because so often it goes like this.

"So, ummm... when are you guys going to start having kids?"

Well, now that we are in this world of adoption, my new 'cringe phrase' is, "You know..." because it always ends like this.

"You know, now that you are trying to adopt you're going to get pregnant!".

How do you respond to that.  One part of me (the evil Jenn part I suppose) wants to yell, "Well, actually, yes we can get pregnant, that was never the problem, it's the keeping it that is the issue you see... we've had 6 miscarriages, my body can't hold a baby, so even if we get pregnant, it's a death sentence". 

My husband takes a more graceful approach of "We'll see about that."

And yes, I know there are hundreds of thousand's of stories or people adopting, then having several biological children, I don't need to hear them again. 

It didn't work for my Mom, she adopted both of us, and never once got a positive pregnancy test after we came home (or in the 17 years of trying before they adopted us!).

It more then likely won't work for us.  I'm not counting on it, in fact, we are doing what we can to prevent getting pregnant.  It's not worth the risk, or the heartache.  It never ends well, and trust me, I have a track record to prove it.

I try to hold a smile, and entertain their rambling thoughts about a great aunt's step daughter who adopted from Ethiopia, and now has twins... I really don't care.  That's not my story, not my history, those chapters of trying to get pregnant have already been written in our book.  And unfortunately they all end the same way.


  1. Oh Jenn, I soooooooooooo hear you on this!!! It goes right up there with...

    "Just think positive"

    Ya, cause I heard that a million times while pregnant too. Oh if only they knew.

  2. I understand that comment. We are not at the adoption stage...yet...but right now the comment is, 'you know if you relax and take a break you'll probably get pregs immediately'! The evil in me wants to say, 'really? so you are saying it is all my fault we can't get pregnant because I want it and we are trying too hard'? You are saying our diagnosis accounts for nothing? People think because these random stories of 'success' after taking time off from trying or proceeding with adoption is the fate of all that do that. Or is it really just ignorance on their part thinking it makes us feel better?
    Try not to let these comments bring you down or even get to you. I try to smile and say 'if only it were that easy' and walk away. (half evil and half nice..hehe)

  3. It may be just me, but I hear the 'try harder', 'maybe you aren't doing it right', and my all time favourite 'I gave up and went out and bought a huge box of tampons and we got pregnant straight away'. Now I just laugh, and think, oh, if only it was THAT easy (oh and I just wrote that and then saw the end of the amiracle4us comment). I guess they are just attempts by people to ease their own discomfort in the subject, and no malice is intended, so I take it in the style they intended, intending to be helpful just misguided in the expression.

  4. I just experienced my first pregnancy and miscarriage after 5 years of TTCing and all I hear right now is, "Well, at least you know now you can get pregnant!" I feel like telling those people, "Yeah, I can but will I ever be able to carry full term?" So I can relate to what you are saying some. I hate when people "THINK" they have the answer to what "WE" have been living with, dealing with, struggling with for YEARS!!! Praying for you and your DH during this time! xoxox

  5. Ahhh...people are insensitive and stupd and are trying to relate so they come out with something stupid to say. It hurt when people would downplay my miscarriages by saying "Well, at least you weren't full term...or Well at least what happened to so and so didn't happen to you"
    By saying those things they are downplaying our pain by saying it isn't so bad.

    I guess it is up to us to fill them in!! :)

    PS. I used to be one of those people who asked people when they were gonna have kids or when they were gonna have more. I asked a coworker once and she said "I wish" I found out later that she had been going through IF treatments. Till this day I feel like such an ass..never again will I be that stupid person.

  6. That is a huge joke between me and my husband about how every time my mom opens her mouth and utters "You know...." something awful will follow. Tune them out!

  7. I did have to chuckle when thinking about all of the "You know..."s that we got after we got married. We never came out of our IF closet, but everyone still seemed to have a bit of advice to impose on us. Do your best to grin and bear it - although sometimes that's nearly impossible!

  8. How about, "If it's God's plan it will happen". Really, so God may not think I deserve to be a mother...nice. can be so frustrating I know. I'm worried that somedday I'm going to take out all of my pent up frustration on one poor unsuspecting soul out there who dares to open their mouth at the wrong time. :)

  9. If we had a nickel for every time we heard this throughout our adoption process, we wouldn't have paid anything for the adoption. It's so annoying when we hear this. Lately, because I'm SO tired of hearing this, I say, "Probably not. We didn't get pregnant when we were doing IVF 5 times and the odds were higher with that than they are getting pregnant on our own." That usually shuts them up. People can be so rude and intrusive when it comes to getting pregnant, to me being snarky is better than being polite. ;)

  10. Jenn I know exactly how you feel... We are able to get pregnant too but not go to term and so when we get that comment I just don't know what to say... You don't want to put your history out there with strangers and the people that know it don't say that. I honestly just say nothing. I am so sorry hun :( {Hugs}

  11. People always think they know best, even when they have barely a sliver of the story.

    Hang in there, babe.

  12. I am sorry about the insensitivity. I don't care if people mean well. It sucks.

  13. I hear this comment all the time too especially since our adoption. Most of the time I just smile and nod because people are just so naive, but sometimes when I've had enough, I let them know. I say "Well, I have no chance of ever getting pregnant because I have no fallopian tubes and bad eggs. I have to have IVF to get pregnant and it isn't happening." That usually shuts them up. Or my favorite line, "Well the only way I'm getting pregnant is if fallopian tubes starting dropping out of the sky and I can get a set. Or if fallopian tubes transplants become commonplace." People just don't get it. At least once a week (many times more) I am amazed at how insensitive people can be. Hang in there and I hope you feel better soon.