I was going to continue the story of last week, but instead have been distracted by three women. They have made several anti-adoption comments on my past post. I knew eventually they'd find me, I've had several blog friends that have disabled all comments because of the hateful ones they got. Sorry ladies, you won't win.... the 120+ comments of support and love are worth your three hurtful comments. And really, go ahead and attack me, but when you start attacking people defending me, I will take those posts down.
I'm so sorry that you have had such horrible experiences with adoption. Only someone who has truly been hurt could harbor that much hate for something. I wish you had an experience more like mine. My birthmother made an adoption plan when I was born. I was picked up at the hospital by my parents, and it truly was a fairy tail. I have an amazing family with a little brother who was also brought to us by the MIRICAL OF ADOPTION.
So like I said, I'm so so sorry that you have been so hurt in the past, I hope that someday you find peace, but for now, my husband and I will continue with our adoption plan, we will find the child that GOD has picked out for us.
My husband thinks I should take your posts down, but I'm not sure I will take them all down, only the ones that you have attacked people that defended me.
I pray you find peace.
I'm adopted, he's in the Air Force, and all we really want is family. After 8 miscarriages, and one failed adoption, this blog is a journal through infertility, adoption, and now parenthood, now that Isaac has filled our baby carriage, and it's about to be filled again with a surprise, successful (so far) pregnancy! It's sometimes blunt, sometimes improper, but always real. This is our story.
Beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteThere are always going to be people out there who want to give their opinion about how (or even if) you should become parents. But there are ALWAYS going to be MORE people out there supporting whatever decision YOU decide to make...and that's the most important thing to remember. You didn't go out and find a pregnant woman and ask her to give her baby up! This woman went to your agency out of her own free will, chose adoption and chose YOU. So don't listen to the people who say that adoption is coercive. Go with what your heart tells you is right.
ReplyDeleteMINDBLOWING. On all accounts, those crazy beotches blew my mind.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, how can you condemn a family for wanting a baby? You were giving yourselves to the process and full of love and hope. There is NOTHING wrong with that.
Secondly, thinking that on your page, where you are obviously grieving and working through the pain, is the place to air their PERSONAL beliefs.
Mindblowing. Those commenters are truly terrible individuals that need to pull their collective heads out of their arses.
Much love to you and only strength and kindness as you move forward.
The comments made by them make me want to vomit. What's their problem anyway and how did they find your blog?! I didn't even realize there were actual people in the world like that. M-I-N-D B-L-O-W-I-N-G. Way to take the high road, Jenn...you have too much support behind you to let them get you down.
ReplyDeleteIt really makes me sick that people could right hurtful negative things in response to your sharing your experience. I think you are doing the right thing by not letting them get you down!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe them. Snatching the baby from it's birth parents???? Um...more like the birth parents are giving the baby up because they can't care for it.
ReplyDeleteSounds like they are angry at their own biological parents for giving them up so they are going to take it out on every person who would open their hearts up to an adopted child.
Sorry for your loss.
I can't imagine someone saying hurtful things about adoption.
ReplyDeleteI think what you guys are doing is amazing.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this situation and then have these people say anything that wasn't supportive.
This was wonderfully written! You are amazing!
Nicely written. Honestly, I don't know that I could have responded as kindly and respectfully as you did- so kudos on that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm just going to say that I know it's part of blogging, that we run the risk of someone being an ass. But really? Seriously, it is so so shitty and low to make a really demeaning and hurtful comment on a blog when you know someone is at their lowest. It doesn't matter whether these people agree with you or not, they should at least have the heart to see how much you are hurting and to have a little compassion and know that this is NOT the time to voice their opinions. EWWWWWWWWWW it just makes me cringe & thankful that I don't know these women in real life.
YOU however and your husband are strong and wonderful people who WILL create and build a loving family and your children, however they come to you, will be SO blessed to have you as their mother. Keep the faith. <3
I'm so sorry. I found your blog through another blog and your story broke my heart. Please hang in there and know that your baby is waiting for you and will come to you when he or she is ready. And as far as those nasty comments just ignore their ignorant sentiments or take them down. Adoption is a beautiful way to start a family as my husband can attest to as an adoptee and as we hope to be adoptive parents very soon. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteJenn, you are too kind.
ReplyDeleteI have to point something out though in one of your comments on this post:
"Only someone who has truly been hurt could harbor that much hate for something."
No...hate is a choice. Some people choose to grow and heal from their painful experiences & develop a deeper, more profound capacity for love (example: Viktor Frankl or Immaculee Ilibagiza).
The fact that they come searching for you to spread their hate, rather than offer comfort is a choice. You give them too much credit by validating their victimization.
Your kind words addressed to your attackers is another beautiful example of how profound pain can transcend hate. You are a remarkable woman.
Jenn- I found your blog a few days ago through the CDLC 2010. I am so sorry for the loss you have experienced and I empathize with you during this time. I am so sorry that you were attacked on your previous post, as I am sure that is the last thing you need right now. I want to commend you for the respectful and graceful way you responded to them.
ReplyDeleteAdoption is centered around loss on all sides. In a perfect world, it wouldn't exist, But it does.Everyone has their own story and experieces that leads them to have their own opinions on adoption, which is their right. While I don't think anyone should ever say hateful things to anyone like the comments, as adoptive parents we can learn from these perpectives to ensure that we do everything possible to create an environment for our children to grow up as healthy, well adjusted children.
Good luck on the rest of your journey! You will find the baby that is meant for your home and once you do, this will all make perfect sense to you.
(((HUGS)))
Well written Jenn. I always find it interesting when commenters spout off about how ALL adoptees are miserable and have experienced great pain because of their adoptions. It's easy for them to say if that is what their experiences have been but you ARE an adoptee and YOU disagree. I also know several adoptees, including my SIL, and NONE of them speak as these people do. None of them tried to talk us out of adoption - quite the opposite, they urged us forward, telling us what a great thing it had been for them.
ReplyDeleteEducation is one thing. Obviously there are multiple ways to look at the same situation and I understand the need to get one's point across. But the second become hostile and start personal attacks, they lose their audience.
I am sorry that the experiences they lived were traumatic. I wish them peace and healing but I am also glad you are not backing down. Your story is just that - YOURS and no matter how much they try monopolize it, that one fact wont change.
Hugs & support.
So sorry for the terrible comments! They truly make me sick. Your grace is inspiring, and I am thankful you are sharing your story. I know there are great things ahead for you.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe someone would do that.
ReplyDeleteAs an outside observer I am always amazed by all parties in an adoption process. The juxtaposition of loss and joy, trust and fear, emotions and rationality... it's a miracle every single time.
My heart hurts for you so much right now as you mourn the failed placement, but it makes me smile, knowing how committed you are to your future family.
Jenn, I'm a new follower (found you via Christa at Fearlessly Infertile) and a fellow waiting adoptive mama. I just wanted to let you know that I understand your hurt and that I think you were very gracious in your reply to those women. I've been wondering all morning how best to word a response to them.
ReplyDeleteTheir lack of tact is appalling. Even if they feel they have a responsibility to "educate" people about the "truths" of adoption, choosing to write such blatantly hateful comments at this particular time is simply unacceptable. I applaud you for graciously allowing them to say what they will, but I pray you don't take what they said to heart.
We both know how beautiful adoption is and that, in fact, it was CREATED by God. If it's good enough for Jesus and His earthly father/family, it's good enough for us. :)
My guess is that you are most mourning the fact that you have to keep WAITING to finally take on the role of mother - having been waiting over six months now for our baby, I understand not wanting to wait anymore...or at least the desperate desire to have a plan, even if we have to keep waiting. I'm finding Lam. 3:22-26 to be a very big comfort right now. I pray you will, too. I'm sure you have other friends and family to talk to, but if you're interested, you can comment on my blog or send me an email at honeybeeblogs {at} gmail {dot}com. I'm praying for you!
I, like thankfully many, am in awe of the awful remarks & comments you were given after your last posts. I just don't understand why people can be that hateful! I know it must be overwhelming because of the influx of new readers to your blog, but as a new reader I want you to know I am another person in your corner. I feel for you, and hope that things improve as each day goes by.
ReplyDeleteAs an adoptive parent myself, I am completely appalled at those hurtful comments left by those 3 awful people. I have never commented on your blog before and don't know you, but I do want you to know how sorry I am for what you are going through. God will provide you with the family you are meant to have. May you find comfort and peace during this difficult time and please don't let ignorant people make you feel any worse than you already do. Sending you a hug....
ReplyDeleteWow Jenn-I'm proud to be your friend.
ReplyDeleteYou're so strong, Jenn.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe anyone could act the way those women did on your last post. It breaks my heart.
I don't think I would keep those comments up. I feel like they are hijacking your narrative. It's YOUR blog and your story. To get such unexpected venom is rude. I am proud of you for being strong in spite of this negativeness.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful person and deserve to get a chance to be a good mother. I know that this will be soon and my thoughts are with you and your family.
Don't let the turkeys get you down, sister.
Good grief, people are unbelievably mean. I'm so sorry you have to deal with being attacked on top of everything else.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy that you are staying strong in such a tough situation.... Just know that those comments are coming from people who are so unhappy with their own lives they have to lash out at others to try to bring them down to their level and by you not removing the comments or disabling your comments you are not letting them win :) God is on your side and will continue to keep you strong in difficult times :) J
ReplyDeleteWhy would someone come here and kick you when you're down. I dont get it. Sigh. I'm glad you realize they are the minority and that most of us here are supporting you, like 99.9% of us! Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteJenn, I read through some of the comments and my first thought was, we have some ignorant people in the world. Then I thought about it and realized that they are simply bitter because of their experiences. Giving the gift of adoption to a couple is a wonderful and selfless thing. I hope these 3 individuals remember that you did not seek out the BM, they chose your profile. No one forced them to consider adoption. Adoption is a choice on both ends. As happy as we can that the BM and her son gets a chance to bond, we cannot guarantee the life he will have. That is why adoption is chosen in the first place. The BM had doubts about her ability to care for her son and made the difficult decision to put him up for adoption. The fact that she chose to keep him is hers alone, but it leaves both you and hubby aching because the chance was within your grasp. Putting the pics on facebook was not premature because you both fully believed that you would be adopting this little boy. The fact that she changed her mind was a bit deceiving. If there were any doubts, then she should not have even considered an adoption plan.
ReplyDeleteTo the negative naysayers, adoption is not for the abandoned. Adoption is providing a child (any child) with willing parents and a stable home. Instead of bashing you, they should have turned their bitterness into helping others not meet with the same fate as they seem to have experienced. Their birth mothers made a choice to give them up for whatever reason, and their hope probably was to provide a better life for them. Maybe that did not work out for them.
My heart aches for you both and I KNOW you will be wonderful parents to a baby someday. Do not let the bitterness and sharp words of others deter you from your goal.
<3
Oh Jenn, you are truly inspiring. I would have posted quite the rebutal, laced with curse words. I was blown away by these 'trolls'. In my opinion, I would delete them, I agree with Mrs. Misfits. This is your story, not theirs. Unbelievable.
ReplyDeleteWhen I told some extended family we were adopting, one person at the table started crying, then drilling me about courses and things, and things I need to consider for the birth mom and child. I was quickly tuned in, that she is not at peace with her situation, regardless of that fact that she grew up in a loving home with wonderful adoptive parents. Everyone always has an opinion. But trust me, when it comes to adoption, these negative opinions are out there...but are heavily outweighed by the positive.
You are grace, love, and hope. Keep writing and keep moving forward. I'm sorry you had to see those ridiculous words in print. We support you and love you. And clearly, your words and life that you live by, indicate that you will be an exceptional mother.
Please please, please don't let the unhappiness of others prevent you from full filling your dream of parenting a child. I have a son, adopted at 15 months and I have dealt with these people as well. At first I was angry and then I thought, maybe I could learn something from them. And I have. For that, I am grateful. However, these same people (and I recognize some of you from Yahoo Answers) think that all adoptions outside of foster care are cookie cutter and therefore all evil and wrong. My child's first mother is a college educated SOCIAL WORKER. She had a one night stand and was not ready to be a mother. It was not financial it was she was not ready to emotionally commit to being a mother and her family did not want to take him. We were ready and we wanted him and I have fulfilled every promise to her.
ReplyDeleteDon't let them get you down. You yourself were adopted and you know in your heart that it was a very good thing. You will be a great mother and since I have come out of lurking, I will be here to cheer you on!
Jenn,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are going through this, I can't even imagine. My family too was built on the miracle of adoption. My blog was also hit with anti adoption comments, which necessitated a moderation of comments. It sucks, but let's face it some people are just plain negative and hateful. Thankfully most of us aren't.
Hang in there. You've got quite a cheering section.
Good for you! Don't punish yourself and take away from all of the support you obviously get from this blog over three resentful people.
ReplyDeleteI feel bad for these women who have had a bad experience, but that doesn't give them the right to "rain on your parade".
I am wishing you the best and I am so glad you haven't disabled the comments.
I am wishing for the best for you and your husband. I am sorry for what you have been through. I know you will be a great mom, no matter how it happens.
ReplyDeleteJenn, I can't believe these women and how hateful they are to bring such horribly offensive comments to your blog and infringe on your right to tell your story and grieve your child. That's right. YOUR child that you were promised and led to believe was going to be brought into your home to be lovingly raised by two people who would give it all the love in the world.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a better person than me to handle all of this with such dignity and I agree with your choice to let the comments stay. Let the world see how ignorant they are and expose them to the shame they deserve for being such vile, broken humans. I am so angry for you, as I'm sure most of your supporters are.
There is a time and a place for everything, but there is NO time and NO place for what they have said here. They need help.
Praying for you and your hubby. *Big hug*
I think that it's interesting that people will use anyone to get their platform across. Obviously these 3 women do not represent a majority of those involved in adoption or we wouldn't have an adoption system in place in our country today. I applaud you for your willingness to adopt and that some child in the future will be getting to have a wonderful set of parents (no judgements about the original parents intended either so no mean comments please).
ReplyDeleteSending you great big hugs and lots of love, Jenn.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
Thinking of you in your time of pain and sorrow.
ReplyDeleteAs far as comments, you can set up a filter on your blog where you view the comment first before publishing it. It is appalling what those 3 others wrote and I am sorry they treated you in such a way.
Jenn, good for you for being the bigger, more compassionate person, despite all your pain and disappointment. I applaud you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know much about adoption, about infertility.
ReplyDeleteWhat I do know about is love. And I can't imagine that a baby, a child, a person could ever have a better life than to be surrounded by love, no matter who is giving it to them.
Love is love. PERIOD.
I feel humbled reading your post. You are a wonderful person and God surely has you in mind for a special baby.
ReplyDeleteI am stunned at the ignorance and lack of compassion for all involved. Amazing. Families are created in many ways. We are waiting to add to ours and you will find your baby as well.
ReplyDeletewow, so sorry. Where do these people come from? I feel like everyone is entitled to their feelings and opinions, but that doesn't apply when they are targeting ppl. They don't even know you! If I don't agree with the things presented in someone's blog I don't read it. I don't target them to validate my feelings and views.
ReplyDeleteI am just now getting a chance to read your story and this latest post. First of all, I can't even imagine what that Thursday (and the rest of that time) was like for you. I am so sorry you went through such a rollercoaster. As for these women, I can see they have a lot of pain from their experiences, but that is still no reason to kick you when you're down. That was totally rude and inappropriate and doesn't solve anything. As if you need that on top of the pain you're already feeling. *hugs*
ReplyDeletethank goodness we are all made of different things and all have hearts for different paths..after all if everyone had the same well the line would be long...stand firmly in the shield and the word of the lord, let your hurt and fear be sheilded and live with the purness that is in your heart. trust me god will take you right where he wants you rather you go kicking and screaming, crawling and bawling..laughing and skipping...you will be right where u are if through him you trust.
ReplyDelete**This is me clapping my hands and waving about wildly as I support your post**
ReplyDeleteAdoption IS a beautiful thing. Period.
Sorry someone left you snarky comments...
Carry on~
I hopped over from another blog.. Not sure which one.. Haha. Kudos to you for maintaining your class where others have lost theirs. Those that made such harsh aggressive uneducated and tactless comments should be ashamed of themselves and I hope one day they will realize the compassion and grace that you responded with. Their stories and experiences are theirs and do not represent even a small portion of the wonderful amazing and loving world of adoption. I wish you and your hubs all the best and will be thinking extra happy thoughts for you two in hopes that your next opportunity isn't far away and is a smooth placement with lots of joy for all involved.
ReplyDeleteSorry for rambling!! :)
I am an adoptee, too. I don't condemn you for wanting a baby. Many people want to grow up and be parents.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you had the fairytale and a miracle of an adoption experience. I don't think that I could have had better parents than my aparents are to me. I love them with all my heart. I was loved and not abused. I have been privileged, given the best of everything.
And yet there has always been that little thing missing. Knowing where I came from. Who I look like, where I get my talents from. I suffered from chronic depression that I never connected to being adopted until I was an adult.
Standing in the same room as my natural brother a year ago changed me. I finally "fit" somewhere because I could make sense of myself in a different way. It's not that I don't love my aparents unconditionally--I do. It's just that my DNA can't be erased. I wish it could, sometimes, and that I were my aparents' biological child, but then I wouldn't be me.
The child you adopt might have an experience like yours, like mine, or like Linda's. There's not much you can do except acknowledge that your child has four very real parents, and that as adoptive parents, there are some things you cannot offer your child.
To shove difference under the rug, or say that first families do not matter is to pretend, just as our amended birth certificates do, that our aparents gave birth to us. It's not a judgment call, just the way it is.
Birth parents who choose adoption do so to make the CHILD'S life better! It is the most unselfish thing a human being can do for another human being. Do those women really think that a crack addicted prostitute (as an example) will make a better parent than those of us who have gone through infertility???
ReplyDeleteJenn, I am sorry you have to be put through any of this!!! Thank goodness you have MANY sane women like us to support you;)
Love you both!! You both are amazing people and I am so glad our paths have crossed!! I have a few choice words I'd like to use but I am going to keep my composure and say a prayer for the negative commenters!! Hugs to you both!
ReplyDeleteElizabeth: I agree that crack-addicted prostitute is not fit to parent. Problem is, there are very few first mothers (I dislike the term "birthparent") who fit that description. I work as an L&D RN, and I do see cases in which families aren't equipped to keep babies, don't get me wrong.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that the young parents who kept the child that Jenn and her husband wanted to parent were necessarily crack-addicted. That wasn't part of the story I read. We can always see people that we believe we could better in terms of parenting, but does that give us a right to their children?
I am married, 41, with two boys. I am affluent and extremely well educated but agnostic. Are you more affluent than I am? Are my children going to hell because they are not raised in a church? Should I give my kids to you because you think you'd be a better parent? This is a ridiculous argument. But why is it any less ridiculous to think that people less fortunate than we are should give up their children? Children aren't commodities for sale to the "best" parents.
I cannot control what other women choose, but I hate to think that any women are coerced into placing their children for pure financial reasons. If they place willingly, that's one thing.
I don't see my birth or placement as a gift. It was a set of circumstances that worked out well for me and my aparents, but it has scarred and affected my equally well educated, affluent first mother. Each situation is different.
I feel that I can support Jenn's desire to parent while having reservations about the ways in which the adoption industry works.