Friday

Thursday
Saturday

Thanks again for coming to my defence, surprise surprise, 'they' have left... or maybe they just didn't want to respond to my past post... but  now that I'm getting back to the story, they might show up again...

We woke up that morning, and I slept as well as I can remember in the weeks before.  We stopped and got BM a big bouquet of flowers, and then stopped at Mickey D's to grab breakfast for everyone.

When we got there, she was sitting in bed, holding him.  We got all the food out and ready, and she asked me if I wanted to hold him... uhhh Duh!  So I passed her the breakfast sandwich and held him. Trav ate, and then I passed the baby to him so I could eat.

While we were eating the BD had one of his friends stop by.  I can say he was not what I was expecting.  The BD had not worked for over a year, is living at a men's shelter, and always disheveled.  This guy was clean cut, had on ironed khaki pants and a polo, and seemed very put together.  I'm thinking he was more of a mentor type guy for the BD.  He was very nice, included us in the conversation, and wished us the best of luck with the baby.

After he left, I went downstairs to grab some coffee from their little cafe (think- wanna be- starbucks).  While down there, I got phone calls from Trav's sister, my Mom, the lawyer and the social worker.  BM had also asked me to grab some cream for her coffee that came with the hospital breakfast, but I had to go to the cafeteria to get that.  As I was about to leave the cafeteria to head back up to the maternity floor, Travis called me and told me she wanted to leave and go smoke, and they needed someone in the room with a bracelet, (her and I had the two), so I needed to come back up. 

BM was in a lot of pain, she has a really bad back, and between the labor and hospital bed, was really hurting.  She wanted to go out and smoke, and tried to walk, but after getting about 4 doors down, she was in so much pain, she had to come back.  BD tried to get her to call the nurse to get some pain meds, bt she insisted she had pills not very long ago, and there wasn't enough time that had passed for the next dose.  I noticed on her whiteboard that they had listed both tylenol and ibuprofen, so I told her that often you can piggy-back those two, so you have pain meds every couple hours... she called the nurse, and got the next dose of whatever she could.  She played in bed and waited for them to take affect.  This whole time, they have not asked (and barely looked) at the baby, so we just continued to hold and rock them.

Once she felt better, the BD found a wheelchair (which is a whole other mess of drama), and they ended up going outside.  While they were gone, both the hospital social worker, and the agency case worker came to the room.  We shared with the case worker what had happened that morning, (not much- just lack of anything going on).  While they were gone, we changed diapers, and took some more pictures.  They had told us the day before that they were going to bring some clothes they had picked out to take pictures in.  The first time I changed his diaper, I almost laughed out loud... they had bought 3-6 month clothes and he was s.w.i.m.m.i.n.g in them....  looking back, I just shake my head.

Eventually they came back up, but BD was the only one to come in the room, and asked the case worker to come out to the hall.  I don't know how long the three of them stood in the hall, but at some point they went into the classroom that was across the hall from her room.  They were in there for over 1 1/2 hours talking.  During that time we fed him, and changed another diaper (a meconium one!), and waited, and cried, and held him, we had a feeling that whatever was being talked about would end up in heartbreak for us.

The pediatrician came in just as they came back, and did an exam.  She found a small birth defect that will eventually need surgical correction, but apparently is quite common, but ended up talking about it for a while.  (he voids from two spots, so he couldn't get circumcised right away, because they would need that tissue to do the corrective surgery at about 6 months).

As soon as the pediatrician left, the case worker talked with all of us about the BM and BD needing some time to talk and be with him, so they asked us to leave.  We unwrapped him from the blanket we had brought (thinking we should get his scent on it for the dogs to become familiar with it), and left with her. 

While the pediatrician was there, I had gotten a text message from my best friend, saying she was at the hospital, not to see the baby, but to give us a hug.  While the BM and BD were out of the room, we had been updating her on how we were feeling.  We all sat (Trav, our best friend, the case worker and I) in the waiting area, and talked about all that had gone on with the conversations.  The were questioning their decision, and she went over their reasons for making an adoption plan in the first place.  She asked if their job sitsuation had changed (no- neither had worked in over a year), if their financial situation had changed (no- still abandoned by extended family, no money), if their housing situation had changed (no- they were both at a shelter, BM bouncing between a shelter and a friends house), if the parenting of her other two children had changed (no- thier fathers were out of the picture, a son newly diagnosed with autism, high level of overwhelming stress).  We cried.  The case worker said they both admitted that they knew it was what was best for their son, but that they didn't think it was going to be that hard.  She thought there was an 80% chance of still placing. 

The case worker left, and we went down to the main floor, near the entrance.  There is a large seating area, and we sat, trying to collect our thoughts.  We knew it was over.  We knew that when we said goodbye, we would be saying goodbye forever.  We just knew. 

Our friend held us, and cried with us, and prayed with us.  There were times I almost couldn't breath.  We knew we had to call our parents.  We had been here before.  Sitting at the bottom of a hospital telling our parents that there wasn't going to be a baby anymore.  The last time was in November 2008, when we found out that our Sea Monkey had stopped growing at 10w5d.  I was able to make it through most of the conversation with my parents.  Trav tried calling his, got through saying "it's Trav, umm", and then broke down.  He was so choked up he couldn't say anymore.  He hung up the phone and walked over to the corner and collapsed.  His back heaved as he sobbed uncontrollably.  I was barely keeping things together, and seeing him so visually in pain, it broke me.  I've never seen him like that.  Not even when we lost our 'big' pregnancy, or any of the other 5.....  I had never seen him like that.  Eventually, I went over and laid my head on his back, and hugged him around his chest. 

There was nothing that either of us could do to help the other ones hurt.  Our friend called a pastor at our church who had been with us on this adoption journey, to let them know. 
We drove home in a daze.  On facebook we asked for people to pray for God's will to be done.  And we prayed for peace.  We crawled into bed and cried.  And slept, and cried. 

That night, Travis' Dad, step-mom, little brother and sister, and some extended family were driving through our city.  They asked if they could stop by.  They stayed for about an hour, but we didn't have much to talk about.  They all passed on their love, and then his Dad and step mom and us prayed. 

We eventually had watched enough mind (and emotion) numbing tv, and tried to go to bed.  We knew either way, tomorrow we would know.  We were supposed to go back to the hospital that next morning, to watch the videos, show them our car seat and take him home.  We would know if any of that would happen.