Monday, January 10, 2011

Friday

Thursday
Saturday

Thanks again for coming to my defence, surprise surprise, 'they' have left... or maybe they just didn't want to respond to my past post... but  now that I'm getting back to the story, they might show up again...

We woke up that morning, and I slept as well as I can remember in the weeks before.  We stopped and got BM a big bouquet of flowers, and then stopped at Mickey D's to grab breakfast for everyone.

When we got there, she was sitting in bed, holding him.  We got all the food out and ready, and she asked me if I wanted to hold him... uhhh Duh!  So I passed her the breakfast sandwich and held him. Trav ate, and then I passed the baby to him so I could eat.

While we were eating the BD had one of his friends stop by.  I can say he was not what I was expecting.  The BD had not worked for over a year, is living at a men's shelter, and always disheveled.  This guy was clean cut, had on ironed khaki pants and a polo, and seemed very put together.  I'm thinking he was more of a mentor type guy for the BD.  He was very nice, included us in the conversation, and wished us the best of luck with the baby.

After he left, I went downstairs to grab some coffee from their little cafe (think- wanna be- starbucks).  While down there, I got phone calls from Trav's sister, my Mom, the lawyer and the social worker.  BM had also asked me to grab some cream for her coffee that came with the hospital breakfast, but I had to go to the cafeteria to get that.  As I was about to leave the cafeteria to head back up to the maternity floor, Travis called me and told me she wanted to leave and go smoke, and they needed someone in the room with a bracelet, (her and I had the two), so I needed to come back up. 

BM was in a lot of pain, she has a really bad back, and between the labor and hospital bed, was really hurting.  She wanted to go out and smoke, and tried to walk, but after getting about 4 doors down, she was in so much pain, she had to come back.  BD tried to get her to call the nurse to get some pain meds, bt she insisted she had pills not very long ago, and there wasn't enough time that had passed for the next dose.  I noticed on her whiteboard that they had listed both tylenol and ibuprofen, so I told her that often you can piggy-back those two, so you have pain meds every couple hours... she called the nurse, and got the next dose of whatever she could.  She played in bed and waited for them to take affect.  This whole time, they have not asked (and barely looked) at the baby, so we just continued to hold and rock them.

Once she felt better, the BD found a wheelchair (which is a whole other mess of drama), and they ended up going outside.  While they were gone, both the hospital social worker, and the agency case worker came to the room.  We shared with the case worker what had happened that morning, (not much- just lack of anything going on).  While they were gone, we changed diapers, and took some more pictures.  They had told us the day before that they were going to bring some clothes they had picked out to take pictures in.  The first time I changed his diaper, I almost laughed out loud... they had bought 3-6 month clothes and he was s.w.i.m.m.i.n.g in them....  looking back, I just shake my head.

Eventually they came back up, but BD was the only one to come in the room, and asked the case worker to come out to the hall.  I don't know how long the three of them stood in the hall, but at some point they went into the classroom that was across the hall from her room.  They were in there for over 1 1/2 hours talking.  During that time we fed him, and changed another diaper (a meconium one!), and waited, and cried, and held him, we had a feeling that whatever was being talked about would end up in heartbreak for us.

The pediatrician came in just as they came back, and did an exam.  She found a small birth defect that will eventually need surgical correction, but apparently is quite common, but ended up talking about it for a while.  (he voids from two spots, so he couldn't get circumcised right away, because they would need that tissue to do the corrective surgery at about 6 months).

As soon as the pediatrician left, the case worker talked with all of us about the BM and BD needing some time to talk and be with him, so they asked us to leave.  We unwrapped him from the blanket we had brought (thinking we should get his scent on it for the dogs to become familiar with it), and left with her. 

While the pediatrician was there, I had gotten a text message from my best friend, saying she was at the hospital, not to see the baby, but to give us a hug.  While the BM and BD were out of the room, we had been updating her on how we were feeling.  We all sat (Trav, our best friend, the case worker and I) in the waiting area, and talked about all that had gone on with the conversations.  The were questioning their decision, and she went over their reasons for making an adoption plan in the first place.  She asked if their job sitsuation had changed (no- neither had worked in over a year), if their financial situation had changed (no- still abandoned by extended family, no money), if their housing situation had changed (no- they were both at a shelter, BM bouncing between a shelter and a friends house), if the parenting of her other two children had changed (no- thier fathers were out of the picture, a son newly diagnosed with autism, high level of overwhelming stress).  We cried.  The case worker said they both admitted that they knew it was what was best for their son, but that they didn't think it was going to be that hard.  She thought there was an 80% chance of still placing. 

The case worker left, and we went down to the main floor, near the entrance.  There is a large seating area, and we sat, trying to collect our thoughts.  We knew it was over.  We knew that when we said goodbye, we would be saying goodbye forever.  We just knew. 

Our friend held us, and cried with us, and prayed with us.  There were times I almost couldn't breath.  We knew we had to call our parents.  We had been here before.  Sitting at the bottom of a hospital telling our parents that there wasn't going to be a baby anymore.  The last time was in November 2008, when we found out that our Sea Monkey had stopped growing at 10w5d.  I was able to make it through most of the conversation with my parents.  Trav tried calling his, got through saying "it's Trav, umm", and then broke down.  He was so choked up he couldn't say anymore.  He hung up the phone and walked over to the corner and collapsed.  His back heaved as he sobbed uncontrollably.  I was barely keeping things together, and seeing him so visually in pain, it broke me.  I've never seen him like that.  Not even when we lost our 'big' pregnancy, or any of the other 5.....  I had never seen him like that.  Eventually, I went over and laid my head on his back, and hugged him around his chest. 

There was nothing that either of us could do to help the other ones hurt.  Our friend called a pastor at our church who had been with us on this adoption journey, to let them know. 
We drove home in a daze.  On facebook we asked for people to pray for God's will to be done.  And we prayed for peace.  We crawled into bed and cried.  And slept, and cried. 

That night, Travis' Dad, step-mom, little brother and sister, and some extended family were driving through our city.  They asked if they could stop by.  They stayed for about an hour, but we didn't have much to talk about.  They all passed on their love, and then his Dad and step mom and us prayed. 

We eventually had watched enough mind (and emotion) numbing tv, and tried to go to bed.  We knew either way, tomorrow we would know.  We were supposed to go back to the hospital that next morning, to watch the videos, show them our car seat and take him home.  We would know if any of that would happen.

31 comments:

  1. I've just started reading your blog, through another blog.. anyhow I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you had to go through this. :(

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  2. Jenn, so glad you continued the storyline.... I know it helps with the grieving process. You are a strong woman!!! Love you!

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  3. I am so sorry for all of the loss you have endured. I will be praying for you and your husband.

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  4. Oh Jenn, that is terribly sad...and frustrating. It's hard not to judge the BPs...but. :( I'm so sorry again for this loss. Thank you for continuing to share this with us.

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  5. Jenn, my heart breaks for you both....saying prayers and sending you hugs...

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  6. How devastating.
    I am so so sorry.
    I pray you can find the peace you are seeking during this time.

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  7. As we've gone through the process we've heard many fathers say that pregnancy/the adoption process isn't as "real" for them as it is for the mothers, so losing a child during that time isn't as hard for them, but once they hold the child and see it and love it, it's devastating.

    I don't mean to minimize your pain at all, but I just really saw your husband's pain and brokenness in your description. I've been praying for you both.

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  8. I'm in tears for you all, including that little boy - I can't imagine how his life will be now without you both. Sending love.
    Love,
    Maddy

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  9. I'm so sorry...I have tears in my eyes for what you've gone through. I read the previous post all excited for you and then as I read some of the comments, I was confused. Then I read this post and my heart broke for you, as I had a feeling this was what many of the comments had referred to.

    To be THAT close and than have it ripped from your grasp once again is nothing but unfair. I'm just so sorry for everything. It makes no sense and it's so unfair. I'll keep you both in my prayers for peace and comfort...

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  10. My heart is still hurting so badly for you two. You're in my constant thoughts and prayers.

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  11. This is such a sad story. I hold my breath when I see that you have posted an update because obviously we know that this ends in heartbreak for you. I am so proud of you for being able to get it out on the blog. That must be so difficult for you. Hang in there.

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  12. I felt like crying reading this post. I can't imagine how your world must have been turned upside down in just an instant. Continuing to pray for you, Jenn.

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  13. I have tears in my eyes. I am so glad you are continuing your story and not letting the "UGLY" people get to you. :) J

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  14. Oh Jenn, my heart aches reading this. I have tears in my eyes. I'm just so sorry you are going through this. I will continue to keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.

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  15. Holding back the tears reading the end of your post. I know (especially as someone new to your blog) I sound like a broken record but I don't know what else to say but you have another person in your corner. ((hugs and prayers))

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  16. You're both in my thoughts. I don't know what else to say other than I'm praying for you.

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  17. This is just so heartbreaking. So, so sorry for you and your husband.

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  18. I am truly sorry for this loss, and all the others for that matter. I'm glad you have such a strong support network. You can add me to it.

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  19. I can't even imagine. My heart goes out to you and Trav. The world can be so cruel.

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  20. I can't even imagine what this is like for you. The closest I can relate was a 24 hr period where we thought it may all go south but in the end, it did not. All I can think of is magnifying those feelings by 1,000 may come close to what you are currently going through.
    I am so sorry. :(

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  21. So terribly sad to have to go through such an emotionally heart wrenching loss. Adding you guys to our prayer list and just knowing that your perfect baby will be matched with you soon.

    As my husband and I begin our adoption journey we're thankful for blog postings like this so that we can 'attempt' to at least be aware of these types of situations, since there is no way we could ever be prepared for this additional loss.

    Peace and blessings.

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  22. Reading about your husband's reaction brought tears to my eyes. I know that I am ok if my husband is ok and when he is not, I can't take it. I don't know what this has been like, but I know what it's like to watch your husband, your barometer of normalcy, not act normal and leave you feeling like the world is upside down. Still thinking of you.

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  23. The parents are doing what they feel is right for their family, but it doesn't make your situation any less painful. I have to say, after reading about how it all went down, I don't know that I'm going to want to be at the hospital when our baby is born. It's such an emotional risk. Hang in there.

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  24. Hey! I just swept by your blog. Found it through a mutual friend's. Wishing the best for you and looking forward to following your journey. Sorry to hear of all your pain. Thinking and praying for you.

    ~Jess
    http://bringingyoumorethanasong.blogspot.com/

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  25. Oh honey... This just breaks my heart. Many, many prayers...

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  26. I have been lurking here for awhile and just read this update. There are no words that can take your pain away. But know that you have people across the blogsphere thinking about you this week and praying for peace for your and your husband.

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  27. I'm so sorry that you guys are going through this. I, too, am ok as long as my husband is ok. When he's a mess (only once thank goodness) then I'm a mess. May I ask, where does this lead you now? You probably haven't figured that out yet and I apologize for even asking. I have recently been contemplating if adoption is right for us and I have a curiosity of what this means for you in your adoption program. Sending you guys prayers and hugs.

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  28. I cried reading this. You and your husband's heartache is so prevalent in your words. I am so sorry that you have to live with this hurt.

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  29. I'm in tears reading this. I've only been following your story since Suzy had asked for support for you since learning the bad news, but I feel like I've been following all along. My heart is breaking for both you and your DH. (((Big Hug)))

    Aub

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