Friday, January 21, 2011

Saturday

Thursday
Friday

I suppose it's time to finish the story....

We woke up the next morning filled with all kinds of feelings, mostly dread for the phone call the confirmed they were going to parent, but I'd be lying if I didn't say there was also some hope mixed in there too.

Travis was up before me, and was in the computer room.  By the time I woke up, it was about 8:30, and I went and crawled in his lap, not saying anything, because nothing needed to be said.  We stayed like that for a while, and decided that if we hadn't heard anything by a specific time, we would text the case worker.

I texted, and got no response.  We debated going up to the hospital, because if we were gong to take him home, we needed to watch 'video classes', but we weren't really sure.  After wrestling with the what-if's, we decided to stick close to the house, and just wait.

It seems like so much of this process is waiting.  We waited for cycle's to happen, waited to trigger, waited for betas to rise... and then drop.  We waited for paperwork, and approval, and waited to be matched, waited for the next doctors appointment, waited for her induction date, and now, waiting to see, after all the waiting, if we were really going to bring home this beautiful baby boy. 

I jumped in the shower.  I had take my phone in the bathroom, just in case.  Sure enough, as soon as I dipped my head under the water, it started ringing.  I jumped out wrapped a towel around me, dried off my hand and face and answered it.  It was our case worker.  She said "Hello Jennifer..." and then she paused.  I knew.  It was a harder blow then those phone calls saying my betas dropped.  "I'm so very sorry to tell you this, but they have decided to parent."  The tears were already there, and as I ran across the house to where Travis was, he turned around, saw me dripping wet and crying, and started crying too.  I put her on speaker phone, and sat on his lap while we listened. 

She told us that they had really thought about it, but didn't realize it was going to be this hard.  She told us about the chain of events, which started with at text message from BM to the case worker, and the calls between the the case worker, the BM, and the domestic supervisor for the agency (she is the one in our corner). 

It was over.

They were taking him home in a few hours.  Some "friends and family had gotten some things together for them"...

It takes more then a damn trip to Wal Mart to raise a baby.

We hung up, and just sat together, crying. 

We called our parents and told them it was over.  We called our best friends (who had been at the hospital with us the day before).  I called another close friend, who is also an adoptive mamma, but when she answered, I had told the story so much, I couldn't do it again.  I just cried.  She knew what had happened, and just cried with me.  Eventually I got it all out, and said good bye to her.  I started to shiver, so went back in the shower to warm up.  We both crawled back into bed, held each other, and cried.

Looking back, we did a lot of our grieving on Friday, because deep down, we both knew it was over, on Saturday we were more mad at the situation.  That little boy was going to be condemned to the same life his parents had, uneducated (neither graduated high school), unsupported (no family attachments), and stuck.

It would have been better if they told us they had just changed their minds about the family, and had picked a different one.  It would have still sucked, but at least he would have been in a home with two parents, who loved God, loved each other, and loved him.

Our heart breaks for him. 

We don't know why God made us travel this road, to fall in love with this little boy, but He did, and someday maybe we will know.

We see people at church or in other areas of our lives, and they ask us how we are doing.  I don't know.  I often answer, "We're surviving."  because that's the basis of it.  We have tried to get back in the swing of our normal life.  I had so set myself up mentally not to going back to work, so that has been hard, because on the cold mornings when I'm trudging into a new school building, I think "I should be home with a little boy snuggled close to me".  I'm trying to get those thoughts out of my head, because that's not our reality.  Our reality is we still have empty arms, we are still waiting for our child. 

A few days after this, Travis said he didn't know if he could ever use the name Isaac again.  I told him that the little boy we loved on wasn't our Isaac, he was the name his parents picked out (that we were going to use as a middle name).  I reminded him that some day we will have our Isaac. 

Someday.

We've bounced back, and will continue to.  The agency said they were surprised at how well we were doing.  I hate to say it, but it's not the first time we've experienced loss.  We've lost 6 children already, this was our seventh.  The only difference is we actually got to hold him.  But yes, unfortunately loss is something not new to us.  We will get through it.  Together.

23 comments:

  1. So, so heartbreaking. I can't thank you enough for sharing your story. You guys truly are an inspiration to adopting couples. And yes, someday you will have your Isaac. I'm sorry that you are hurting now and I hope that you can find some peace very soon.

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  2. It must have been so difficult to finish this story. Sometimes all you can do is just survive I think. It sounds like you are doing everything right and taking it one day at a time. Your Isaac is definitely out there...definitely!

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  3. Oh Jenn, so so so tough. You are braving through this and will come out on the other side, I just know it. The name thing is tough. I had named Mikayla, 'Lily' because that's what we wanted, then when she came too soon and we couldn't save her, we decided that we didn't want to use that name. In fact, things just kind of fell into place with her name and now it is perfect. I know that our 'Lily' is still out there, waiting for us. Thanks for sharing, I know that this must be very difficult to articulate. Big enormous hugs!!!

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  4. Such a sad story but some day you will have your happy ending. I just know it! My heart breaks for you and I can't even imagine how hard things have been for you and your husband. Keep your head up and know that there is an Isaac out there that will be yours.

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  5. This is so heartbreaking to read. Praying for YOUR Isaac to find you!

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  6. My heart aches for you & Travis - I can't imagine going through this. Your strength is incredible!

    Prayers...

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  7. So heartbreaking and I can't imagine having to go through all that BUT you will be a better person and family for having gone though it. It sucks but you'll get through this and all of this will be a distant memory when you're holding your baby in your arms. Which, I have faith, won't be much longer. Much, much love to you and your husband.

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  8. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys... Much love...

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  9. I'm really sorry this happened to you. It's so difficult to understand the parent's position. They tried, and adoption wasn't for them. They have a totally different perspective than any of us wanting to adopt.

    Hang in there *hugs* Your baby is out there somewhere and hopefully you don't have to wait too much longer.

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  10. i'm sorry. i hope things get better for you soon

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  11. "we're surviving" seems like a very appropriate answer...I am so very sorry...

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  12. I'm so sorry. We went through a very similar situation in June. It was heartbreaking and I thought we would never move on. It is like having a child die. The thought of the baby you saw, you held, you named, you were suppose to take home, well now you are grieving the death of that baby. For us we were also grieving the loss of a relationship we had formed with the birthparents and one that we thought was strong and truthful. Then the anger comes and comes. I was so angry at them because it was the same way. They had nothing for the baby and no business raising another child. They did not even have to look us in the eye and tell us they changed their minds. I am so sorry but I am also proof that your baby is out there. We got a referral for our son less than a week before he was born in October. He should have been born with issues but wasn't. He was perfect. The whole situation was the totally opposite of what we went through in June. It was perfect. It was meant to be. He just turned 3 months old and is growing strong, happy, and healthy. He was our baby we were waiting for. Take care and hang in there. I know how hard it is.

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  13. Thanks for finishing the story- as I know it was hard! Just remember you got a friend in me:) love you!

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  14. Thanks for your comment on my blog - I see from your blogger profile you are in Missouri and are a teacher? I live in Missouri too and am also a teacher. If you would like to talk more please email me at twodogmama@gmail.com. Take care.

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  15. hi. I am so sorry for your lose. I have been following your journey for a little while. I thank you so much for allowing me into your journey. I given you an award. I know that this is a very trying time for you. I hope that you will have the chance to tak a look at my bog an d learn about yor award. :)

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  16. I am so sad reading this post. Sorry..sad...shocked! I hope you two have your Isaac soon:(

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  17. So sad to read this, but glad you finished your story. Hoping that you two find peace and can eventually heal and move forward in finding your Isaac. Thoughts and prayers with you.

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  18. I just came across your blog. I am so so sorry for your loss:( You all are in my thoughts and prayers!

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  19. It has got to be worse because not only is it heartbreaking, but it is frustrating. Knowing that that couple wasn't really fit to parent as much as they wanted to. Still sending lots of prayers your way!

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  20. That's heartbreaking and I'm sure it was difficult to write, but I hoped it help you heal just a little bit more. Thinking of you.

    AP

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  21. Hugs and love to you both! I'm currently waiting to be matched (I've adopted before), but the waiting is so tough. I know down the road, once everything is finalized, the waiting will be a distant memory, but it is a tough part of adoption. I have lost three babies, one that I got to hold and love for 2 1/2 days, so I understand loss as well........I am praying for a match that works out for you, and the same for me!

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  22. I am so sorry for all you have been through. Your post has been inspiring to me, to keep my chin up and keep moving on in the land of infertility. I will keep you and your husband and future Issac in my prayers. I hope your arms will no longer be empty!

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