Friday, June 24, 2011

Cycles

Ok, this had been my infertility blog, that turned into an adoption blog, that turned into our life while we waitied for an adoption blog, but let's get back to the roots...

I think deep down I always knew something was up.  I never had normal cycles.  Ever.  My Mom could time her's to the hour of when it was coming.  Not me. 
Three weeks.

Five weeks.

Eight weeks.

Four weeks. 

I always just got a "surprise... here I am!".

Que infertility and then the very quick PCOS diagnosis. 

And then fertility cycles.

And four more miscarriages.

And giving up, grieving, moving on.

Getting back on birth control.

Starting the adoption process.

And then, out of no where a conversation started by my husband about going off birth control.  The decision to not 'try' with injections and ultrasounds, but just be hormone free.  And see what happens.  But knowing our family would grow through the blessing of adoption. 

For the first time in my life... I had a 32 day cycle.  And then.  The next month, another 32 day cycle.  What was up?!?  I was wondering if it would happen 3 times in a row.  Nope... it turned into a 40 something day cycle, and being the crazy person I can sometimes be, I peed on a stick. 

Shit.

I mean, I knew it could happen.  We weren't doing anything to prevent.  I just didn't know... we didn't think.  Now what.  My bottom bathroom drawer has over 20 of these.  Positive tests.  I just can't bring myself to throw them away.   Weird. yes.  YES.  Maybe it's my one thing I use to cling to the children that never were.  The only proof that for a while, a short moment, they existed. 

Now what?  I knew what a call to my doctor would cause.  A prescription for injections, blood thinners.  Come in for Betas.  Wait for the news.  Repeat beta.  Numbers dropping.  Stop injections.  It was the weekend, and I knew that nothing could be done until Monday.  So we just waited.  And I thought shit. shit. shit. 

I tested again Monday morning.  No longer positive.  I didn't need to go to the doctor.  I had done this often enough.  I knew what it meant.  Betas were dropping.  It was over.  My cycle started the next day.  And I got further confirmation that I was indeed pregnant. 

Do we count it.  Do we add another tick mark to the chart under 'losses'.  Do we even need to?  My history already raises flags, one more isn't going to make it 'worse' or be the tipping point to be referred to a specialist.  I'm already long past any 'flags' that needed to be raised. 

So, I guess I need to come up with a new phrase in my story.  Seven losses. 

But still we wait for our adopted child to come home to us.  That is where our heart is, though moments (or days, or weeks) are discouraging.  We wait.

It has been a month, I just started my next cycle (36 days?), and I'll admit there was some relief.  Just a normal, old plain cycle.  (I do have an app that shows my 'ovulation and fertal days', and my husband was shunned during those times!).  Only a one other person outside our marriage knew I was pregnant, for those two days.  I've revealed it to a couple more since then.  But as my header says, this is real.  It's our story.  So it's a chapter that must be written.  I started miscarrying a few hours before my sister in laws high school graduation.  Not fun.  I was in horrible pain, emotionally and physically, angry at my husband for suggesting we stop birth control (though I agreed, my anger was completely misdirected to him at that point), thinking 'oh shit, now what', and dealing with a less then helpful step daughter that afternoon.  I'm sure to his family I seemed like a huge b-i-t-c-h.  I knew I couldn't get through much conversation without yelling or crying, so I just didn't talk.  I zoned out.  I wasn't present in the moment.  I was trying to protect myself.  And them from me.  But still, they had no idea... just saw my attitued.

18 comments:

  1. Ack! I'm so sorry for your loss! It just sucks!
    Although adoption is the route you have decided on, I can totally understand the detour of letting your mind and body wander into the realm of wishful thinking of pregnancy. So sorry. :(

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  2. Oh I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!

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  3. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  4. I was really hoping that if I read this update fast enough that it would be a happy ending. Damn it! I'm so sorry for your loss. And yes, this was a loss. It doesn't have to be confirmed with blood work once you get a positive pee stick. I hope that your baby comes to you soon. You deserve a happy ending after all of this.

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  5. Ah Jenn. I'm sorry you are having to experience this whole craptastic thing.

    Really hoping that your discouraging moments/days/weeks are soon behind you!

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  6. Oh Jenn. I had a feeling that something was going on. And yes, of course, you count this one just like you count them all. Each and every one of them counts.

    Sending you huge hugs. Always here for you.

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  7. I just wrote out a 2 paragraph comment for this post and then deleted it. I know from personal experience that no amount of "I'm sorry's" is going to make this easier for you.

    If you need some "girl time", you've got my number. We can go get dinner or something :)

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  8. I am so so sorry....I have no words that can make it better for you. thinking about you...xo

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  9. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Like TeeJay said above, I was also hoping if I read fast enough, I would get to the happy ending quicker. So unfair. Thinking of you and your hubby.

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  10. Huge hugs and love Im so sorry for this. T

    I have nominated you for a blog award
    http://tan32.wordpress.com/2011/06/25/299/

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  11. I am so sorry. Yes, it is another loss, and I agree with the previous poster that each one counts.

    My heart is hurting for you.

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  12. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My heart aches for you and your family during this difficult time. (Hugs)

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  13. I'm so sorry that you keep going through this. You are a much better person than me for even attending the graduation. Your family and husband are so lucky to have you!

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  14. those two days count. they were here. they were yours.

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  15. Sending you lots of healing energy.

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  16. So sorry for this loss. I know it never gets easier.

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