Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Updates

I looked at my blog, and realized the header was way out of date... six miscarriages seems so long ago, when we're now at 8, and have this surprise, successful pregnancy!

Well, I'm at 34 weeks.  And this baby boy is big, or feels big.  Maybe just long.  I've had several ribs dislocated by him, and thankfully my doctor is a D.O. and is happy to do minor adjustments to get them back in place.

I'm feeling a bit more prepared to bring Little Bear home. Because we are moving so soon after his birth (within 2 months), we're not making up a 'room' for him here.  He'll stay in our room in a pack and play for that time, and once we get into our new house, we'll get the crib, pick the theme, etc. However, that also means that we don't have any furniture for him yet, or a place to put the things we've gotten ready for his arrival   My Mom came into town a few weeks ago, and we pulled out all of Isaac's newborn and 0-3 month clothes, and the cloth diapers that I ordered for him have come in.  We found some of the 3 drawer plastic bins that we were able to empty out, and put in our closet with all of Little Bear's things.  Now I at least feel like we can bring him home, and be somewhat organized... somewhat!

Isaac is of course the same amazing little boy he has always been.  I'm afraid he has NO idea what is going to happen in just a few short weeks, and I'm treasuring these last weeks that he's my only son, making sure I spend extra time with him, trying to soak up the moments of just the two of us.

We've had some warmer weather in the past week, so have taken several trips up to our subdivision's park, where he has discovered the joy of the slide.


Daddy also found a ladybug, at first he wasn't so sure, but once it started crawling on him, he was all smiles!


We had a maternity shoot from the same photographer that did our family pictures several years ago and Isaac's newborn pictures, I can't wait to see those, and I'll post them when I get them!

We did another shoot at our CrossFit box with a friend of mine.  I wasn't sure how much I would like doing them, because most of them are of me with a bare stomach, and I'm still pretty self conscience about showing that much skin.  I'm glad it was with a friend, because she made it a lot of fun, and by the end, I had the confidence to show off my big belly!

We're still in the process of editing most of them still, but here is one that is my favorite.  The chalk handprint's are Travis.  


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Distraction

I'm writing this post as a distraction from what I really need to be doing... writing Isaac's birthparents a letter.

I'm so torn.  This is the first letter we don't have to write. Per our agreement before placement, we were only required to write to them 5 times in the first year after placement.  Our agency has been less then steller with any kind of contact- going either direction.  They basically said, "Well, that's all you have to do".  I wrote about it here.

We just aren't ok with not writing anything, but this letter is hard.  He's changing so much. He's not a baby anymore... he's becoming a little man.  He has lots of words, and expressions, and opinions.  He's also going to be a big brother.

I'm not sure how to write about that.  I'm still not sure how I feel about it.  It's still surreal.  Like things can change any day.  But, sending them pictures of our holiday celebrations, there will be no denying that I'm pregnant.  Which is fine.  I guess.  Travis reminded me that they aren't reading the letters in real time anyways, who knows when they'll finally request to see them.  That's true.

But still.  It feels awkward, though I'm not sure if we shared that we adopted a second baby would feel any different.

It's just something I've gotta get over... so I guess I'll just get to writing!  But not before I post some of my recent favorite's.


Isaac 'helping' me put clothes in the dryer. I figure this will come in handy in a few months!

He is ALL BOY!!!

On a short day trip, sitting in Daddy's lap while we got gas.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Surreal

I now sit just before the 26 week mark.

Past viability.  We know our babies gender.  Yet, it still seems so surreal.  I often will catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or window I'm walking by, or look down, and see my growing stomach, and be surprised.  If I wake up in the middle of the night, and am still in that 1/2 awake, 1/2 asleep phase, and feel him kick, I'm shocked.

But then I remember.   I'm pregnant.  I have a baby growing, moving, inside of me. A healthy one.  My body is doing what it's supposed to.  Something I never thought it would do.  Ever.

Someone asked me what it is like to be pregnant when we never thought we would be...

When we decided to stop fertility treatments we took some time to adjust to the reality that we would never have a biological child.  We grieved that.  We accepted that.  We healed, and we began the adoption process.

Imagine finding out a friend or family member died.  You cried.  You got angry.  You bargained.  You got depressed.  You finally accepted that they were gone.  You moved on with your life, thinking of them occasional  but feeling healed.  Then, four years later, you're at a function, a wedding or something, and you see them.  How can it be?  They were gone, but now they are here?  How can that be?

I know that's unlikely- but it's the closest comparison I have.

Something that you thought had been gone for so long, no longer an option, no longer a dream is very suddenly a reality.  That is what this pregnancy is.

And it has a whole mess of jumbled emotions that go with it.




Wednesday, January 9, 2013

24 Weeks- Vability

This last Saturday, I hit 24 weeks.  For most people who get pregnant easy, have perfect pregnancy's, and simple births, this date means nothing to them.  

For us it was huge.

Viability.

We've made it.

Every week now is just more and more amazing.



We also celebrated New Year's in true 'parenthood' fashion.  I watched a movie (thank's pregnancy for making sleep rare!) and woke my husband up at midnight for a kiss! 


Some Updates

I'm still behind on editing.... but here are some of his monthly pictures. It's so easy to take a million pictures, I'm even good at organizing them on my computer.  It's weeding through the million to find the best ones that I suck at.

 I think I left off at five months, and it's so awesome to see how much he's changed in the last year or so!




















 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Little Bear

Ok, ok, it probably wasn't fair for me to do that last post after months of not posting much, and then not give any details!

In short, here's the stats on Little Bear:

Due April 27, 2013
Currently 18 weeks
Can feel the Little Bear moving every once in a while
Am considered very high risk still because of my history
I have an MFM that I see monthly, and my OB has me on weekly checks
So far everything looks great, and Little Bear has measured ahead every check
We know the sex, but aren't revealing it quite yet (haven't on facebook yet either)
Yes, obviously a very unplanned, but joyous pregnancy!  I didn't do treatments at all


In April, my husband and I started CrossFit.  I hated it. I still hate it. But I love it too.  After 5 knee surgeries, it was something that I could excel at, sweat some, and see changes in my body.  I still have some hardware in my shin from one of the surgeries, and with the new workout routine, aggravated them, causing stress fractures around the screws.  The knee surgeon wanted me to have a bone scan done with contrast to confirm exactly which pieces of hardware was causing the problems.  

In August, I was booked for the scan, but since it involved the radioactive dye, they made me take a pregnancy test. Ha!  So the drew the blood and sent me to the waiting room where I began reading my book.  About half an hour later, I was called back, and started to be escorted to the procedure room, except we passed it and kept walking.  I jokingly asked "Am I going to glow in the dark after this?", and the doctor said, "let's talk in my office,".  Umm, ok.  My next question was "Is my cholesterol high?" (something else they said they were checking).  The doctor continued toward his office.  I stopped in the hallway, and asked "Am I pregnant".  The doctor stopped and said, "Ok, we can talk about it right here in the hallway." 

"Are you fucking kidding me?"


Nope.  He wasn't.  He handed me the beta results.

43

So newly pregnant at that...

If you know my story, you know getting pregnant is not the hard part for me, its carrying the baby to term.  

I called my husband when I walked out of the hospital.  He asked how the test went, I told him it didn't go.  He asked why, I told him i was pregnant.  He asked if I was joking.

Really?  Would I joke about something like that.  Shock. Disbelief. Holy shit.  A call to the RE was in order.  But then what?  Wait for the other shoe to drop... like it always does?  

We did several more rounds of Beta testing, with each one rising appropriately.  At 5 weeks, saw a yolk sack right where it should be.  At 7 weeks, saw a beautiful heartbeat.  But we've seen a heartbeat before, so we still were cautious.  I was seen at the MFM and established as a patient there as well. 

I was seen weekly after that for ultrasounds at the RE's office.  When we lost our Sea Monkey, the tissue had started to deteriorate by the time I had my D&C, so they couldn't get much info from the tissue recovered.  By being checked weekly, if we lost this baby, we would know sooner, and hopefully get some answers.  Each week though, there was still a heartbeat, and appropriate growth. 

At 13 weeks I was sent to my OB.  That was a mindfuck.  Such a big office, so many people. After coming from my small RE's office that I'd been at for 3 years, with nurses and doctors who cheered with us and cried with us, it was more then I could handle.  My husband couldn't come to the appointment, so I went by myself.  Between the nurse getting my vitals and the doctor coming in, I had a complete meltdown.  I was a sobbing mess when the doctor came in.  I'm grateful he had read my chart, and knew my history, and was compassionate to that.  

We talked about my history, my fears, and my anxiety.  I told him I understood that I wouldn't be seen as often in this office as my RE, but wondered what anxiety meds they could put me on to help combat the anxiety that I knew was coming.  He said that he would rather have me keep coming in weekly then put me on meds.  That was something that I could deal with.  

We've had our NT scan at the MFM around 13 weeks, and weekly doppler checks with the nurse at my OB's office.  We go tomorrow for the long scan at the MFM tomorrow.

So far, everything is good. We are blessed.  We are still holding our breath. 

At my last OB appointment, we asked when are we 'out of the woods',  for most people it's 12 weeks.  My husbands thought all along was when we have the baby screaming in the delivery room, we're safe.  The doctor chuckled, but then agreed.  Though everything looks fine so far, they are going to continue to watch me closely, and celebrate with us in the delivery room.

We're almost half way there.   

Holy shit.  






Thanksgiving week

Thanksgiving week four years ago, I was recovering from a D&C after we lost our Sea Monkey.

Thanksgiving week three years ago, we were in the middle of a fertility cycle, which would be my sixth pregnancy.

Thanksgiving week two years ago, we were matched with a little boy due a month later, though the match failed.

Thanksgiving week a year ago, I was holding Isaac, amazed at how blessed we were.

Thanksgiving week this year, I felt a baby kick me.  From the inside.  Our miracle pregnancy.