Thursday, January 24, 2013

Surreal

I now sit just before the 26 week mark.

Past viability.  We know our babies gender.  Yet, it still seems so surreal.  I often will catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or window I'm walking by, or look down, and see my growing stomach, and be surprised.  If I wake up in the middle of the night, and am still in that 1/2 awake, 1/2 asleep phase, and feel him kick, I'm shocked.

But then I remember.   I'm pregnant.  I have a baby growing, moving, inside of me. A healthy one.  My body is doing what it's supposed to.  Something I never thought it would do.  Ever.

Someone asked me what it is like to be pregnant when we never thought we would be...

When we decided to stop fertility treatments we took some time to adjust to the reality that we would never have a biological child.  We grieved that.  We accepted that.  We healed, and we began the adoption process.

Imagine finding out a friend or family member died.  You cried.  You got angry.  You bargained.  You got depressed.  You finally accepted that they were gone.  You moved on with your life, thinking of them occasional  but feeling healed.  Then, four years later, you're at a function, a wedding or something, and you see them.  How can it be?  They were gone, but now they are here?  How can that be?

I know that's unlikely- but it's the closest comparison I have.

Something that you thought had been gone for so long, no longer an option, no longer a dream is very suddenly a reality.  That is what this pregnancy is.

And it has a whole mess of jumbled emotions that go with it.




8 comments:

  1. I hear you. In a different way, but I hear you. After Bobby and Maya were born, we knew that pregnancy was no longer in our cards. We werent going back for fertility meds/treatment, so that was that. And we mourned for all we wanted and couldnt have, but we made peace with it. This miracle pregnancy is amazing to me in so many ways. I'm 14w today, and at times, I still cant believe that I'm up and about, taking care of 3 year olds, and doing things, instead of being on bedrest and praying for just one more day. While I pray daily for this baby, things are so different...

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  2. I think that is a great way of putting it. It is surreal. Amazing, but just unbelievable. Still so happy for all of these updates.

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  3. Sending lots of love and light your way.
    Love,
    Maddy

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  4. This is lovely!! Describes how I felt to a "T"..and two boys!! How exciting..I can't wait to have a son. I just love these updates!!

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  5. Just catching up on your news, congrats!

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  6. Just catching up on your news, congrats!

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