Relationships

I've struggled writing this post, for many different reasons.  It's been sitting under 'drafts' for a while in my mind.

When we started the adoption process, we chose a semi open status.  Once we were matched for the first time, we could see ourselves opening up, even though that match failed.  We called our agency, and told them we would like an open adoption.

Growing up with a completely closed adoption, I had stronger feelings about it then Trav, but we agreed that it would be the best situation for all involved.

When we were matched with Isaac's birth parents, they preferred a semi open adoption, which we of course respected.  The agreement was for us to send updates 1 month after placement, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, and one year out.  Our agency requires us to send a copy for both his birth mother and birth father including pictures for both of them.  We have been sending the same letter (just addressed differently), and between 15-20 pictures.

So far, they have not requested any of the letters.  Their caseworker last had contact with them in October, and we understand their life situation, and where they are in the grieving process, they aren't ready to request the letters.

We're coming up on our year mark, so I talked to our agency about what to do once we send in our one year letter.  Should we continue with the every three months? Back it off a little and do twice a year?

To say I was shocked by their answer was an understatement.  Basically they told us on the last letter, let them know we are open to a continued relationship when they were, and they should contact us when they are ready.

Really?  That's it.  Just be done with it?

To say I'm not ok with this doesn't even come close. I'm just supposed to stop, to give up?  What am I supposed to tell my son.  "I tried writing your birth parents, but they never wrote back, so I stopped".  I knew that I wouldn't been able to look him in the eye and explain that to him one day when he asks.


If I write 100 letters, and not one of them is replied to, it's ok, because at the end of the day, I'll be able to honestly tell my son, we tried.  I wrote the agency back and explained that my husband and I had talked about it, and were not comfortable with stopping communication, so they should continue to expect our letters.  

But I'm sure he won't ask, because he will know how much they mean to us, how special they are.  We talk about them already.  We pray for them.  We hope for them.  But more then anything, we hold them in our hearts, and  love them.

If anyone hasn't told you yet, adoption is hard.  It doesn't get easier after placement.  In many ways, it seems so much harder.

Working some things out

We've been able to work some things out with the insurance, the doctor they wanted us to go see was able to sneak us in last Friday, and we had surgery set for yesterday.  I got a call on Monday saying that they would have to reschedule because he didn't have enough patients to fill up his time slot in the OR.  I was so frustrated, I explained that this was the SECOND time that it would be rescheduled, and it wasn't my problem he didn't have enough patients.  

They ended up squeezing us in tomorrow.  I think.  I'm waiting for them to call and drop him off that list, but it's after 5, so hopefully, that means we're good to go...

Except, we have had a hellish head cold in our house.  First Trav had it, then me, and yesterday Isaac.  Last night was rough for him, which was rough for momma.  He's run a low grade fever all day, but is still eating fine.  If it affects him like it affected us, then today should have been the worst, and tomorrow he'll feel much better.  We're crossing our fingers, and just planning on showing up tomorrow.  Hopefully it won't stop the surgery. It's so short of a procedure, so I'm hoping it won't.  My best friend said that all three of her kids were sick when they had tubes put in... which is why they had tube put in, because they were constantly sick.  So, here's hoping!

Last night as we were getting Isaac ready for bed, he was in the bath and I had a moment.  You know, the 'Holy shit, I'm a Mom" moment.  They used to happen all the time, when we first brought him home, but he has become so much a part of our life, that they are more infrequent now.

For so many years, my heart ached for a child.  So many prayers were set, so many tears.  It seems so unreal that those prayers have been answered.  My dream to be a mother had come true.

There was some talk on Twitter about being at home with babies or working.  I honestly thought that after the 60 days that one of us had to stay home with him required by our agency were up, I'd be back to working, at least part time.  I had no idea that I would love being at home with him so much.  I've enjoyed the routine we've gotten into.

I feel like in the past few months, my eyes have been opened, to the amazing mothers around me.  We all have our own way of doing things.

Some of us work, some of us don't.
Some of us breast feed, some of us don't.
Some of us co sleep, some of us don't.
Some of us use disposables, some of us cloth diaper.
Some of us us baby food in a jar, some of us make our own.

But we are all mothers.  We all love our children with every fiber of our being.  We all are awesome at what WE do for OUR family.

And I'm blessed to be his mother!

Failure To Thrive

We have officially had this label put on Isaac.

The doctor told me that she knows it sounds scary, and doesn't mean he's going to shrivel up and blow away, but that instead it will be helpful to get the services and therapy he needs (especially fighting with insurance).

Speaking of insurance, I'm grateful we have it.  However, I'm so dang frustrated! With us being on recruiting duty, there aren't a ton of providers that are 'in network', or the one's in network don't specialize in pediatrics.  I feel like I'm constantly tracking down referrals and authorizations.  We were finally assigned a case manager, so hopefully she can help smooth the path, and make it easier to get what we need.

Even though I know he's fine.  And that we're doing everything we can for him.. I'm scared.  I just want what's best for him, and I want him better.  If our insurance would get their shit together, it would be much appreciated!

We have ear tube surgery this Thursday (he had 4 ear infections in 10 weeks), but its with an out of network provider that somehow got switched from being authorized, to point of service, meaning we have to pay 50% of the surgery.  I'm calling tomorrow to see what the total cost would be, to see if we can swing it.  It might be better then having to go to an in network provider and waiting a month for the initial appointment then 2-4 weeks for surgery.

I must say, he still is my happy boy!  And because everything is better when I see his smile, I'll let you have some moments of happy too!  Some of my favorite recent shots of him!

Operation Organization!

A friend of mine has made it a goal to get through the clutter in her house, and has invited us all to clean and organize along with her!

To find out more about the project Operation Organization, go check out her post here, and link up!

http://ahokieandacav.blogspot.com/2012/02/operation-organization.html

I'm late... as always... but I'll be doing most of my 'blogging' about it over here, on my 'house' blog!  I've uploaded my 'intro' video over there!

A whole month

Wow, I went an entire month without posting... I guess so much has happened since the last time.

We went to court to get the transfer of custody.  We then started the 6 months, and should finalize right before he turns one!!

We continued to struggle with his eating.
We've gotten referred out to to a pediatric ENT, who will be putting tubes in the next week.
He had an upper GI done, which showed no refulx, and everything else normal, so no answers there.
We will be seeing a feeding therapist at the end of the month to help on that side too.

He continues to blow us away with the thing's he's doing!  He is doing so well sitting up, and loves playing with toys in front of him.

It's been an interesting and trying month, but we're getting through it, and hopefully within the next month, we'll have some better answers.

At the dentist

So if I have a crown, and am I now a queen!

Kept busy

Oh my gosh... What a freaking week.  I think this picture best explains where we've been.

We've been struggling with keeping Isaac eating, and by Tuesday morning, early, we were all miserable.  Isaac was up several times that night, and at 5 am, had not eaten in over 12 hours, and hadn't had any wet diapers.  We decided not to wait until the doctor was open, and went to the ER.  They got us back quickly (unlike the 7 hour wait the week before).  They did x-rays and blood work.  A few hours later they admitted him.  

It was determined that (even after antibiotics that started on Sunday) his ears had gotten MUCH worse.  He also tested positive for RSV.

They decided not to do a swallow test, becuase after the speech therapist watched him eat (and tried feeding him), they determined that most of the issues had to do with combinations of him being sick, and nothing more.  They gave me some tips to help him eat better, sucking out his nose before each feedings, and swaddelign him, to keep him 'less distracted' by his moving body.  The goal right now is 24oz/per day.  Yesterday we got to 21oz, so we're headed in the right direction.   

We ended up staying 2 nights, and the antibiotic seemed to make such a difference.  He was back to my happy baby the morning they released us (Friday).  Yesterday, I caught up on all the stuff that had been ignored all week. 

There was a light snow that came in the first night we were there.  When Travis came to visit the next morning, he and Isaac stood at the window and watched it fall.

He has a nervous thing he does, in scratching his head.  He'll also do it when he is really upset (crying).  With his IV on the top of his head, he grabbed it a couple times.  We've figured out that the gloves they make for babies don't work, he can get them off... however, SOCKS work great.  My Mom got him these socks for Christmas (because "every baby needs a pair of Santa socks").  He would look at the 'man' on his hands and smile... it was cute!

I'm glad to be home.  And I'm looking forward to having my healthy happy baby back.