Thursday, July 12, 2012

How the journey changes

I'm a pretty open gal.  I guess you'd kinda have to be to have a blog, at least a public one.  Ya, I haven't really told you where I live... you don't know my last name... a girl has to have some secrets.  Overall though, I've been pretty open with our journey.

When I first started this blog, we were at the very beginning of fertility treatments.  This blog walked the path of injections, betas, miscarriages, and grief.  Once we decided to start the adoption process, I feel like my written journey went from being technical- dose of the injections on what day- to more emotional.  I suppose that makes sense.

When you're in the midst of fertility treatments, there is always an appointment to go to, a drug to take (or more likely-inject), an ultrasound, a blood test.  There is always something to do.

When you adopt, there is a flurry of activity at the beginning of the process, an application to fill out, fingerprinting, gathering birth and wedding certificates, letters of recommendations, assembling your profile.  But then, once you turn it all in, you're done.  The next part of the process involves a whole lot of waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting.

At this point in our journey, this blog changed directions, it became a whole lot more focused on the emotions of things then the 'doing' of things.  I guess when you're not 'doing' something, your mind starts to wander.

That was something I truly didn't expect.  I also didn't expect it to affect my husband the way it did.  So many times, I found that I couldn't say what I was feeling, but I could type it.  After I had written some of the more poignant posts, I would email him the blog before I made it live, so he could see it first.  At times he was shocked, sometimes he felt the same way, and other times he was unsure.  Unsure I should put those emotions out, open up that much, share the scars, the tears, the raw moments we navigated through on our path.

We're not at a rest stop on our journey.  A place that we can stop and have a picnic and enjoy the blessing we have been given, watching him grow and learn.  I'm not sure where this blog will go, but, more then anything, I will always keep it real.

How private are you?

Has that helped or hurt you in your infertility journey and/or grief?


  1. Not very public about it. I have had two postings on my infertility. It is too painful. I take my hat off to you.

  2. I feel like I couldn't be more open and honest on my blog if I tried. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's a bad thing. The majority of people who read it are people who know me in real life and I see it as a way for them to understand more about what is going on with us without them having to ask questions or me open up to everyone I see. It has been really helpful in our journey simply because it has provided an outlet for everything I have been feeling and experiencing.

  3. I've never been a writer, but for some reason my blog has been very therapeutic for me. It started out as an IF blog, turned pregnancy blog, and now...I hate the title..."mom blog." I will say a few private things about our relationship as they relate to our IF path. I don't necessarily tell my husband about them, but I know he reads my blog from time to time and eventually will catch up. If he asks me about it, it's a great way to open up conversation between the two of us. I do have a few people from work read my blog though, so when I found out I was pregnant, I waited to announce it on my blog until I told people at work.

  4. My blog is completely private. Though I mention what location I live in .. no one in my "real" life knows that this is my blog. and I am fine with that. My husband does not read my blog at all which I'm fine with too. I have family members I talk about on here and well maybe it's a good thing they don't know.. I mentioned my pregnancy on my blog before I told friends.. so I'm pretty open. Though I keep my name private unless you become a friend and usually I'll get emails and chat with ppl who follow my blog.

  5. I am an open book with my blog. I am in real life too though - I have no (or very few) secrets. My husband reads my blog and loves it, because he thinks I'm better at writing my feelings than stating them. It's worked out quite well. I did start my blog after we had our son, so it will be interesting to see how the tone of it may or may not change as we start up fertility treatments in August or September for baby #2.

    I am not anonymous on my blog so I have to watch what I say. My MIL, SIL, own mother, or IRL friends could stumble upon it at any time, so I try to keep it positive in tone while keeping it real. The real heavy stuff (in-laws, my own issues with my mom, occasional struggles with DH) I email to my bloggy friends to keep it off my blog. It's not that I want my life appear to be all flowers and sunshine to the outside world - I just don't want to offend or upset anyone IRL. Because I'm so open with my feelings, it could be rather easy to offend someone IRL.

  6. I've given up on being private - if I keep it all to myself, everyone around me thinks I'm okay, when emotionally I'm a frickin' disaster. When I first got into blogging, I tried to keep a lot of personal stuff out - and I still do, just to avoid crazy people. I've thought about what could happen if any of my family reads what I write. I decided that I was going to say whatever I want, because it's my blog. If I offend someone in my family, that's too damn bad. Nothing I say is a secret. My blog allows me to write out all my feelings, ones that I might not be able to phrase properly in a conversation. Most of my family believes I'm lying about IF anyway, so the only people I can talk to about it are my readers and friends in support groups.

    Has this helped me? Very likely. I've been able to sort through my own feelings just by writing and revising blogs. I understand myself better - which allows me to expand my focus outwards.