Tuesday, June 26, 2012


I've struggled writing this post, for many different reasons.  It's been sitting under 'drafts' for a while in my mind.

When we started the adoption process, we chose a semi open status.  Once we were matched for the first time, we could see ourselves opening up, even though that match failed.  We called our agency, and told them we would like an open adoption.

Growing up with a completely closed adoption, I had stronger feelings about it then Trav, but we agreed that it would be the best situation for all involved.

When we were matched with Isaac's birth parents, they preferred a semi open adoption, which we of course respected.  The agreement was for us to send updates 1 month after placement, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, and one year out.  Our agency requires us to send a copy for both his birth mother and birth father including pictures for both of them.  We have been sending the same letter (just addressed differently), and between 15-20 pictures.

So far, they have not requested any of the letters.  Their caseworker last had contact with them in October, and we understand their life situation, and where they are in the grieving process, they aren't ready to request the letters.

We're coming up on our year mark, so I talked to our agency about what to do once we send in our one year letter.  Should we continue with the every three months? Back it off a little and do twice a year?

To say I was shocked by their answer was an understatement.  Basically they told us on the last letter, let them know we are open to a continued relationship when they were, and they should contact us when they are ready.

Really?  That's it.  Just be done with it?

To say I'm not ok with this doesn't even come close. I'm just supposed to stop, to give up?  What am I supposed to tell my son.  "I tried writing your birth parents, but they never wrote back, so I stopped".  I knew that I wouldn't been able to look him in the eye and explain that to him one day when he asks.

If I write 100 letters, and not one of them is replied to, it's ok, because at the end of the day, I'll be able to honestly tell my son, we tried.  I wrote the agency back and explained that my husband and I had talked about it, and were not comfortable with stopping communication, so they should continue to expect our letters.  

But I'm sure he won't ask, because he will know how much they mean to us, how special they are.  We talk about them already.  We pray for them.  We hope for them.  But more then anything, we hold them in our hearts, and  love them.

If anyone hasn't told you yet, adoption is hard.  It doesn't get easier after placement.  In many ways, it seems so much harder.