One Handsome Little Boy

I'm in love.

Totally, compleatly, heads-over-heals in love.

With this little man.

Today's the day!!

We are on the way to the hospital!!!

Our last day

Tomorrow our lives will change.  Forever.

So today is our last day.  I spent the morning running around doing errands, while Travis had to finish up meetings and training at work today.  He is now solidly looking forward to 21 days off to stay home with our little one (and not even being charged leave!)

We've spent the better part of the afternoon cleaning, re-arranging, organizing, washing (our clothes, dog's blankets for their crates, dog's bed's that are in our room, and the dog's themselves). 



I'm tired.



But I know tonight is the last night we'll be able to enjoy just the two of us for quite a while, so we are planning on going to dinner.  If I don't fall asleep first.

I know he made plans for something special tonight, but I don't know (maybe our favorite restaurant?). 
I figured I'd play along- I even shaved my legs!

We shall see what the next 24 hours brings.

I can't promise a post tomorrow, but if we come home from the hospital at all, I'll at least update you.

7:30am induction... we'll see what happens from there!

Induction?

Today was supposed to be the day our birth mother was induced, however, when we went to the ultrasound appointment last week, they had to move it.

Apparently there is some rush to get babies out before the end of the year... something about a tax credit... haha!  In our state, it's illegal to induce (without emergency medical necessity) before 39 weeks.  She wasn't 39 weeks until today, so even though yesterday was open, she couldn't take the appointment, and today and tomorrow already had 8 inductions each, so the induction will be on Thursday.

However, if you remember, this is her third child, and she was four cm dilated last week... a good friend, Sarah at The Crazy Baby Mama posted the perfect comment on my facebook this morning...

"I'm sure she's a lovely person, but your birth mama's cervix is starting to piss me off."

Serioulsy perfect... we also found out today that last night she had 'two hours of heavy contractions' (her words)... how is this baby still inside!

So... enough with the baby stuff (or lack of baby stuff) going on.

I woke up to this as I walked into my kitchen this morning.

I think my husband was telling me (oh so subtle) that he would like me to take the Christmas tree down today, what do you all think?

It only took four years....

So, this project, well, it's done!

(insert my husbands smart ass remark that it only took me four years and the pressure of a possibly quick arrival of a little one to get my butt in gear!)

It will eventually be the 'changing station' with the changing pad on the top, and a basket full of diapers in that open part on the bottom.  I still need to by the drawer hardware, but I'm waiting for it to go 1/2 off at Hobby Lobby, (which should be next week).

We put it in what will be his bedroom, but is currently the guest bedroom, and it's already covered in baby stuff!  (mostly just to get it off the bed...)

Because yes, there is a real- queen sized- bed in there too!!

This is what i used to look like... a drastic improvement if I don't say so myself!

(I thought I had posted this picture before, but apparently not... yes, all the baby stuff got transferred to the top of an unmade bed from when I was sick and slept in here to not keep my honey up all night while I coughed.)



Dreams

Last night as Travis and I layed in bed, emotions came rolling out. 

I missed the normal Christmas with my family because we thought we needed to stay close for this match.  We remembered last Christmas, when I miscarried.  Though we had an amazing time with Trav's family, we still were a family of two.

And I cried.  Chest heaving sobs.  I haven't cried like that in a long time, and I know Travis wasn't expecting it.  I cried myself to sleep with him holding me.

And I woke up with my chest tightened, and a pit in my stomach.  I had a dream that the birthparents had decided to parent.   Not 10 minutes later, Trav walked in the bedroom (he was out in the living room, he wakes up early) and said, "I have a bad feeling they are going to parent, we should just take the pack and play down..."

I was weepy all day, and still kind of am.

People at church, of course, asked how things were going, letting us know they've been praying for us, and every time, I tried to hold back the tears.

At some point, my husband texted the social worker asking about our birth mom and just letting her know she had been on our hearts, and she called while we were at the mall (I know- we're crazy! We had to return something we got for my step daughter and get it in a bigger size).  All he mouthed to me was that it was her calling.  Talk about panic.  I guess the social worker talked to her on Christmas Eve and passed on our well wishes for a happy holiday we had sent.  She was still having contractions but nothing serious, and the last time she talked, everything was still fine.

It made him feel a bit better, but I'm still cautious, and scared.

Merry Chirstmas

Wishing the best to you and yours.

Last Push

So, we were crazy...

We went to the mall last night.

And actually truly enjoyed our time together! 

We finished up some shopping, shared an Orange Julius, and held hands.

It was awesome.

And this is what my living room looked like last night, as we were trying to get the rest of the presents wrapped.  We have already taken most of them to his parents house a few weeks ago, so today's load is much smaller then usual (thank goodness).

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, and and enjoy your families!!

Projects

I love the smell of varnish in the morning...

Well, kinda.

I figured last week, since I probably wasn't going to work very much, I had my husband carry in the old antique dresser thing I've been working on for the last few years months.  I bought this thing for $40.00 about 5 years ago.  It was in our guest bedroom in the basement in our first house, in the garage being stripped of the ugly brown paint it had on it for our second house, and in the garage in this house too.  It's the project that never got finished...

When I saw it, I fell in love with it, but was baffled on why anyone would paint such a unique piece brown... so I stripped it (note: if you strip brown paint off with chemicals in your driveway, your driveway will have splotches of brown, and your husband will NOT be happy!).  Then I discovered why... because the wood is UGLY!  Nonetheless, it was stripped, and so I decided to stain it a dark espresso.  It has some intricate parts, so the sanding became my nightmare, and I only worked on it occasionally whenever I had a burst of energy.  It was very unstable, and so I didn't ever know if it would be a 'useful' piece of furniture.

When I was working on my night stand with my friend (who has a degree in this stuff), she put little triangles on the back to square it all up.  Amazing, NO MORE WIGGLING!!!  I know figured I had a more solid piece of furniture, and decided it would be in our baby's room a few months ago, right around we were getting ready for our home study.  So I stained it.... and so it's sat.

I needed to varnish it, but now it's gotten way to cold to do it in the garage (a-for me to be out there, b- for the varnish to cure (or dry or whatever it's called).

Last night Trav agreed to bring it in on some black plastic so I can do it in the kitchen (he's excited to get that many square feet back in his garage!).  It really is in the middle of EVERYTHING, and so he knew that would FORCE me to get it done...

I put the first coat on it last night, sanded it with 220grit sand paper this morning and just finished the second coat.  I think It'll take two or three more coats, and then it will be ready.  I'm planning on putting one of those curved changing mats on it, since I can tilt the mirror so he can see himself when I'm changing him. 

But for now, there will be no cooking (or cleaning, you can't open the dishwasher either!).

***update****
Apparently, life still goes on even if you have a huge project going on in the kitchen... cooking is still expected to be done, and there are dishes to be cleaned...

BUT- with the impending birth, there is a bit more pressure, so the last coat will go on today, I sanded it with the steel wool and then it will be done, ready for a changing pad to be put on it, to change our little stinker.

He's on board

So I'm not sure if my husband has been living in an endorphin induced high, but today reality hit.  I guess I called him out on all his 'encouraging' words.  I told him that they really weren't that encouraging to me, because I know I have more 'baby' experience then he does, so when he says, "we can do it", I hear "you can do it and I can learn"....

I wish my Mom lived closer.

I wish I wasn't scared. 
Not scared anymore that she won't place, but that I won't be able to do this.  I

'd rather obsess about our birth mother, but instead, I'm worried about us. 

About me.

Woah.

Today we were blessed to be invited to go to the ultrasound and doctors appointment. They did the ultrasound, and the tech made the comment that his head was really far down, she could hardly measure the circumference.

They are estimating his weight to be about 7 pounds.

We then waited some more (seriously the whole 'event' took over 2.5 hours...)
They did the heartbeat, and can I just say AMAZING!

We seriously were not prepared for that. I was so engrossed with the video, I didn't think to record it (she had it on for about 45 seconds). Toward the end, my brain clicked, and I thought "hey maybe i should record it" It takes a moment to go through the menus to get to the video part, and the nurse practitioner had stopped. The birth father had seen what I was trying to do, and asked if she could get the heartbeat back, so I could record it. She did, and it was amazing. My parents of course GUSHED when they heard it!



We all left to give her some privacy during the pelvic exam, and she came out saying nothing more then...

"I'm dilated 4 centimeters..."

Umm, what?  Doesn't that mean that we are like half way there, what the heck.  She said had she been more then 5, they would have kept her and sent her to L&D.  She had mentioned before that she had been having contractions off and on but nothing consistent.

So ummm, it seems that we might have a baby here soon.

Like really soon.

And if he's not, he'll be here on the 30th.  I guess it's illegal to schedule an induction before the 39 weeks here, so they looked at the 28th, because that's her 39 weeks, but they already had 8 inductions for that day, and 8 for the next day, so she got bumped to the 30th.  So, if he doesn't make his grand arrival before then, we will be at the hospital at 8:00am on the 30th to welcome him here!

Solar Eclipse *update*

Is anyone else getting up in the freezing middle of the night to see this thing happen?

I've set my alarm, but not making any promises....

90% of my motivation is because the next one isn't happening for like 80 years.


We shall see....


****Ok, so I got up, watched the actual part that it was completely shadowed, called my little brother (I knew he would still be awake), but he couldn't see it because of the cloud cover where he lives.

Attempted to take a picture, not sure if came out (haven't downloaded it yet).

But, I saw it- so we can check that box off!

What the hell...

So, we were driving home from church today, and had it on the Christmas music station...

We seriously looked at each other and the words "what is this" came out of both of our mouths... we did that nervous laugh not knowing what to expect next.

We decided this is the "12 days of Christmas on Crack".

My Love

Six years ago, I became his wife. 

We have loved, laughed and cried.

We had shared joy and sorrow.

We have clung to each other in our sadness,

and high fived each other in our accomplishments

(like putting the pack-and-play together last night)

Most importantly, we have loved.

Happy Anniversary Love.

(and he SOOO know's the way to my heart! I woke up to a card and a box of Cordial Cherries...which I've now almost eaten the whole top tray of....)

A bed!

So... I don't think I've gone into much detail on our Birthmom, but it's for a reason.  As the agency wrote to us, "she has had a very hard life, complicated by her own bad decisions".

So true.  But right now I'm in fear that her child (our child) may be suffering because of one of her bad decisions.  She's not doing anything to physically harm him (drugs or alcohol), but instead her life has magnified in stress the last week.

I told my Mom yesterday, that as long as he'll be ok being born next week, I would rather have him out, then in.  At least that way we are more able to control his environment, his safety.  Plus, should she really place, it's more likely that we will have a judge be able to sign off on her TPR before the end of the year.

We get to go to her ultrasound next Tuesday, and I hope and pray (as long as he'll be ok being early) that the doctor decides to deliver him then, instead of the next Tuesday...
When we started this process (with the original time line, before our packet took FOREVER to complete), we thought we'd be a waiting family by summer.  Given their 4-6 month timeline (that they had at the time), I -more than once- said, "That means a baby by Christmas!".  Haha- silly me, thinking things would go as planed.  When we didn't become a 'waiting family' until the end of October, I changed my thoughts to "A baby by Mothers Day:"  A dear friend of mine, who knows many more of the details, said "You know, I can just see God and his sense of humor, you SO thought you wouldn't get a baby by Christmas, and I can see him actually making that happen."  We'll see next week I guess!

That being said.....

 With the possibility of us maybe bringing him home late next week at the earliest, and for sure the week after that, we thought maybe we should get some stuff ready.  The bottles can be sterilized quick, and my girlfriend is in charge of grabbing some clothes once the TPR's are signed and washing them (taking the tags off now will jinx me I think) so they are ready when we come home, but the bed- we had no idea how it would take to set up.  Technically it's a pack-and-play, but lets face it, Trav nor I have ever done ANYTHING like this before, so we didn't want to overestimate our abilities. 

In the beginning....

Doesn't he look proud of himself

(I really did help, between taking pictures!)

Now to get it into our bedroom...

Maybe we should have assembled it in there...

We eventually got it in, and it's now set up at the foot of our bed ready!



Closer

I spent today with two of my most favorite people.  My best friend (and mom of three) and my husband.  We had been planning since Trav and I did the original registering, to go back and update it with all the things we missed (or didn't know we needed... like a mattress cover!).  First I got sick, then one of her daughters got sick, so today ended up being the day. 

Trav had taken leave for yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 
He had mentioned last night, "so umm, are just you two going tomorrow?".  I've been married long enough to know that translates to 'could I come too?"   I of course said yes, he could come. 

We had made plans for a girls day to just hang out and run errands, literally, had like 12 places to go between the two of us.  We figured we could do the registry stuff in the morning, and then Trav could take off and do whatever else he wanted for the rest of the day, or we could just set a predetermined time to meet him at the stores we needed to go to with him. 

He decided that he didn't want to take two cars (even though she was driving, so it was like they were both our cars!), and that it was a waist of gas.

After a few minutes, I told him he was more then welcome to come with us, we don't mind, but that we were planning on doing several hours of shopping, returning, packing, etc.  He said it was ok, and before we left the garage, we gave him one last out by showing him the list and asking if he was still in.

He buckled in and said he was ready.

I don't think he really understood that when we said 'whole day' it was really going to be the 'whole day'.  We left before 10am, and got back after 3pm.  He hung with two women who shopped, chatted, and laughed for 5 HOURS!

He opened doors, he held bags, he offered opinions for gifts, it was awesome.  I love that I have a husband who can suck it up, and enjoy where he's at! 

We finished up the registry, and filled in the holes.  I'm feeling better, about being more prepared once he gets here (and after my shower), but still am unsure about what to do when he actually gets here, and we get home.

My husband says we'll wing it.


Great.

The difference

Wow, what a difference in the current two week wait is compared to this one in August 09, or this one a few months later, or this one that turned out to be the shittiest Christmas ever, or when we tried to start the new year out right, but actually it ended like this, where we decided we giving up on adoption.

No this two week wait is much different... because hopefully this wait will give us a baby at the end.  We're 13 days away from when he will come.

Usually a two week wait will set you up for your pregnancy, give you what, about 8 months to prepare.  Pick out the nursery colors, have a shower, you know, like get ready for the baby on the way...

Ya, ummm....

13 days, and so not ready!

Two Week Wait

Doing fertility treatments, we always dreaded the two week wait... guessing what every twinge meant, squeezing my boobs to see if they were tender, questioning every queasy moment...

I ended to many two week waits the way most would hope, with two pink lines showing up.  I've kept them all.  Every pregnancy test I took that came out positive (and I took at least three each cycle...).  They are in the bottom drawer in our bathroom.  They prove that my body could at least get the beginning right, but could never quite follow through.

We are in a very different two week wait now.  We know our son will be here in two weeks.  His birthmother will either get induced or have scheduled c-section (depending on if he's still breach) in two weeks. 

In two weeks, instead of two pink lines, there will be two very happy parents. 

We will be holding him by this time that Tuesday.

Now this is a two week wait I can handle!

side-note- finished my last final tonight, and actually felt pretty good about it...

A half day

I felt so much better on Sunday, that I decided to take a sub job today. 

Bad idea-

I woke up about 3am with a coughing fit, and it didn't end.... I knew I was keeping my husband up, so I went into the guest bedroom.  Bad idea take two-  My husband has programed the thermostat so it goes down to 60 while we're sleeping.  That's fine, as long as you don't have to get up for ANYTHING, because then you can never warm back up.  Also, since the guest room isn't used a lot we put the magnetic vent cover over the vents in there and keep the door shut.  This makes the room even colder.  I bet it was 50* when I crawled into the bed.  I put an extra blanket on the bed, and turned on a little space heater we had.  Eventually (at like 5:30) I fell asleep. 

I ended up calling the staffing agency I work for on the way to my assignment  (they schedule us, not the school district).  I asked them if they could find someone to cover the afternoon.  I was coughing so bad I was almost choking.  The morning was tolerable (thanks to a great bunch of kids), and at noon I came home and slept for several more hours.

I'm ready for this crap to go away.  Any old wives tales out there for getting mucus out of my chest? (My mother in law hooked me up with some mucinex, but I'm willing to do something more!). 

I did my online synchronous discussion this evening for my online class, and have my math final tomorrow.  Now that school is done, I need this to go away so I can feel better, and start making our house ready for the baby.

Two weeks from tomorrow, our birth mom will either have a scheduled c-section, or be induced.....

Bonus: I've felt so bad I'm not really eating, so I'm down to a number on the scale that I haven't seen in about 2 years... I've gotten close, but never broke this barrier. 

Marshmallows

Do you have a food that is your weekness? 

I do.

Marshmallows.

Seriously- they can bring me to my knees.  I purposely try to keep them OUT of our house, because if they are there, they will be opened, and the will be eaten (likely in two or three sittings...)

I saw these a few weeks ago, but just opened them (surprising that it took me that long...)

So.not.good

I'm so disappointed... but the dog's really like them (they, like me, have an affection for these small puffy things!)

Still Cautious

We went to drop off a chunk of presents off at my husbands families houses.  They live about an hour away, and since we're forgoing the trip to my parents this year because of the baby on the way, we'll be spending the holiday with them.

We went shopping with my mother in law. 

We all wandered over to the baby section, picked out a crib mattress that she got for us.

But then she started looking at clothes.  They were darling.  But I couldn't do it.  I couldn't pick out any more.  I'm afraid.

No matter how good we feel about the match, it could still fall through.

And that scares the crap out of me.

So, for now, we will be optimistic, and try to enjoy these last few weeks.

Best poem ever!

Seriously the best poem ever...

My Mom tells the story of her going out with me, and people complementing her on how fast she got back in shape (she was really healthy!), and she would always say "Thank you, but I cheated, we adopted her!"

The ladies in my circle

Share their memories

About the pain of childbirth

I felt left out you see

But then we got a call that

A baby had been born

We rushed right out and got her

One sweet September morn

Now I’ve joined the ranks as

A mom with all my friends

But still they tell their stories

The details never end!

But I just sit and listen

With a smile on my face

When they all complain that

They still have extra weight

Do you think that I should tell them

When I get the chance

That right after I got my baby

I could still zip up my pants!?

Copyright © Jennifer Byerly

Happy Birthday

My love is an old man...

Happy 30th husband!

Sicker then a Dog

So I have an old school doctor, who hooked me up - literally, to an IV when I went into his office.

He took one look at me and saw something that worried him... I should have asked more questions because I'm dying now!

He literally gave me an IV with nutrients to boost my immunity, a shot in my butt with antibiotics and something to clear the mucous up, and then gave me two prescriptions.

Holy hell.

I felt a little better yesterday (thank goodness, no more green snot) and I really needed to for the matching meeting. 

But by last night, it had moved from the top of my head down to my throat.  I'm raspy, my throat hurts, I'm hacking shit up.  This afternoon topped the cake- dry heaving... which wouldn't have been so bad, but on one dry heave... it wasn't so dry...

I haven't been this sick in a long time.

My husband calls me a germ monster.

I can't even imagine what it would be like if my doctor hadn't supercharged me that quick.

Gosh this sucks.

20 days

The meeting today was wonderful, we laughed, cried, hugged, and talked a lot.


It was amazing to see the love that they both have for their child.  The BF said "I always have said, whenever I have kids, I want them to have the best life possible, right now, the best life for him is with you." 

Wow.  They are so selfless.

They gave us an ultrasound picture. And she let us feel him in her stomach (honestly, the first pregnant stomach I ever felt!).  She asked if we would come to the appointment they have on two weeks.  At that appointment, they will decide if they are going to induce her or scheduled c-section.  Either way, he will be here on the 28th.
In twenty days, our lives will be forever different.

In twenty days, our son will be born.

(or maybe before).

Germ Monster

Holy crap.

That head cold I thought I had turned into a full blown sinus infection in about 12 hours.  I called my doctor, and he got me in yesterday afternoon.

While I was there, he gave me an IV with vitamins, a shot in my rump with an antibiotic and something else, and then two prescriptions....

Can we say old school?  He's a very old school doctor, but I really like him.  When was the last time you got an IV of fluids at a regular doctors appointment?!?

I'm feeling a bit better, and the snot has slowed down, which I guess is good, because I won't be a snot monster at lunch today.

In just a few hours we'll be meeting our birthmom, I'm really excited.

I'll update after I get home (and probably take a nap).

Just try to Relax

For all us infertiles, we hate that phrase....

Let me tell you, getting the same advice as you are going through the adoption process is just as maddening!

Besides having the first headcold of the season, tomorrow is our matching meeting.

Awesome- I'll get to be a snotty, headcold mess when I meet her.

Last night I wrapped a bunch of presents, but literally pouted when I realized that all the 'box' ones had been wrapped.  I hate wrapping the funky shaped ones, so I guess those are on the agenda for tonight.

Because of the head cold, I slept like crap, and so was very excited that I didn't get called for a job, because I got to sleep in, well, would have gotten to, had I been able to sleep past 7am.

I suppose I'll try to get most of the rest of my shopping done for Christmas, and enjoy the peace and quiet at home.

We have everything we bought for the baby in our bedroom, still in the bags, except for the clothes.  They are hanging on the quilt rack.  I reached over last night and grabbed a set of onesies, and was in awe, that in less then a month, we are going to have someone that tiny to fit in them.


I'm re reading this post, and wow it's random- I'm blaming it on the cold medicine... and not even going to feel bad about not going back to fix it!

Sick

Ugh, I could feel it coming on after lunch today.  My first head cold.  I can handle a lot of sicknesses, but head colds knock me down and out like no other!

Ugh. 

And we meet our birth mom on Wednesday.  Just want I need- to be a snotty mess.

Maybe I'll try to sleep in tomorrow, and then get some things done around the house.

300

Seirously- 300 posts?  I knew I had surpassed 200 not so long ago... ya, in May!

Well, back to the normally scheduled blog post:

Today was exhausting.  Between not sleeping well the last few days I really just wanted to stay in bed all day.

We had been debating on if we should do Christmas decorations, because we were supposed to be going back to visit my family in New Mexico.

Then there was another twist, the possible match with a child due in early January.  IF we got matched, and IF we brought him home, would I really want to take down Christmas decorations with a newborn around?

We thought no. 

But it was hard, I really wanted to get into the Christmas spirit.  I love our tree.  It has ornaments that tells the story of our life.  A shell angel from our honeymoon.  The gateway arch from our weekend exploring St. Louis, ornaments from the bases we have lived at.  It's so nice to relive the memories as we unpack them.

We settled on just setting up the 'big' tree (we have five... don't ask...), and nothing else (like the other 7 tubs full of Christmas decor!).  Well, my Mom suggested that we set up my Americana tree too, or one of my presents wouldn't have a place to live... which means she got me some American themed ornaments, so I convinced him to do that one too.

Well really, it's still in the box, I went and soaked in the tub tonight.  It will get set up tomorrow.

We meet our birthmom on Wednesday... just a few more days!  Hopefully we'll find out if she's visited the OB lately, and if he thinks the baby is coming soon.  I might go buy a blue baby's 1st Christmas ornament... if it gets to be the 23rd or so, and there is no sign of him, I can always take it back, but I'd hate to wait till the last minute and he come, and then there not be any cute ones left....

Officially, our house is (mostly) ready to bring home a baby boy... we can feed him, diaper him, and clothe him... we even have a place for him to sleep that is NOT a laundry basket!

We went to register at Target first, and get a majority of the needs bought.  I'd been able to walk through the baby section there and at Wal Mart, but last time I was in Babies R Us, I had a semi panic attack.  We had even already had our last miscarriage, and knew we were moving on to adoption.  It didn't matter.  I couldn't do it. 

As soon as we started there, I got down the first isle, and started crying.  It was a mixture of happy and sad tears, and Trav just put his arm around me and gave me a kiss.  I quickly calmed down, and we carried on.  There were moments of overwhelming 'I don't know what I'm doing, and don't know what I need'.... like when we were looking at diaper bags... (why those caused me panic, I'm not really sure).

So we did our 'family' registering, now I'm relying on my best friend to go back with me and say- "Oh no, you don't really need that... but this- this you need.".  Gotta love good friends!

My mother in law had grabbed a stroller with a car seat a few years back when we started trying... it's been in her basement.  I always worry about things she picks because um... she doesn't exactly have the same style as me.  However, I was pleasantly surprised when she texted me pictures of an EDDIE BOWUR travel system, mossy green and brown plaid.  (don't worry, I had her check the car seat expiration- December 2012!)  We're kinda excited we will have a 'big ticket item' done! 

We've also picked out our crib(s), the best you can online.  We sent our top three choices to my Mom, so they can decide which one they are going to get.  And bedding-oh my.  To say I was overwhelmed, is an understatement.  I think we are going to do a jungle/animal theme.  There was one that is baby animals with sports balls that my husband liked.

It's hard to believe that 5 weeks ago we had just finished

making the profiles, and writing our check

To needing to buy this 'baby stash' that will get us by until we have a shower...





Holy Snot Balls

So... we decided, this weekend, we were going to go register.  That way it's done, we will be ready for a shower when this little one comes.  We're not telling many people, because, well, we're still cautious.  And as a friend reminded me, we can always deleate it if something goes bad, but we need to have it done before he comes home...

This weekend we have my step daughter, so we decided to tell her, emphasising that we are very cautious, but excited.  She has a little sister, so is happy to have a little brother.

We are going tomorrow morning.  We're going to let her pick out something for the baby, not sure what, but just so she feels like she's a part of it.

To prepare ourselves, we started looking at cribs.  Holy Snot Balls... besides there being a TON of choices, they are expensive!  My parents are doing the crib, so thats nice, but we also want to be respectful (but seriously- what job do you have to have to buy a $1000 dollar crib, becuase I'm willing to have a career change!). 

These are the one's we've narrowed it down to...



I've always wanted a sleigh bed, but they are kinda hard to make (relevant becasue (for you new readers) becuase I made the bed that Travis and I sleep in... read about it here and here) 

So, why not get one for my son!

This one is my favorite, I like that it's got the funky curve up, and curve down...

What are your thoughts friends?

Substituting

Not anyone can be a sub... and quite frankly, after the last two days, I'm not sure I want to be one anymore!

Wednesday, I subbed for a 5th grade class in a rougher part of the city.  At one point- within 4 minuets- a single student kneed another one in the back, went nose to nose with me, and then slapped the girl that sat next to him and ripped her paper... as I was writing the referral it was AND he did this.... AND he did this.... AND he did this.  Ya, nice.

Today I walked into a 1st grade room (side note, I don't love little kids, but I love that school, it was where I was at for the first 9 weeks as a long term sub).  There was a sudden emergency, and so there were no sub plans, her normal plans which of course aren't as detailed, no procedures written down.  Holy hell.  THANK GOODNESS there was a student teacher that was there, because I would have been screwed.  We made it through the day, barely, but not after I had a student throw one of those pink erasers at my back.  At CLOSE RANGE.  You wouldn't think a 1st grader could throw like that... but I seriously can still feel where it hit me!

One more day this week- and with a really good class.  The other 4th grade teacher, so I know all the kids, know what they are doing, know how she does her room.  I seriously look forward to subbing for her.  I also start my week off with her class next Monday too!  Ahhh... the little things!

Sucker Punch

So much excitement happened when we got the phone call....

The we got the e-mail.  You know the one with the final settlement statement. 

It was a bit higher then we were expecting...

But, I can say we have an awesome God, and we know it is his plan for us to bring this child home, he made the match long before we ever knew.

And I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL OUR SON OF THE MIRICAL IT TOOK TO BRING HIM HOME, because it's going to be one hell of a damn good story!

Tears

I broke down last evening, and texted our social worker.  She is the social worker that has been dealing with our birth mom since July when she contacted the agency, but also the one that did our home study.

We knew the BM was meeting with the BF yesterday afternoon and they would make a decision together.  I texted about 5pm, and asked since she she knew both of them, if she had any idea how quick they might make a decision, and if she couldn't tell us, then I understood, we were both just a little nerve racked.

She was doing things that evening, so about 5 hours later she responded that she "knew the wait was excruciating, but she doesn't have the prerogative to share anything.  The domestic supervisor will contact you tomorrow but let me encourage you to rest int he knowledge that all with be as God has planned, and His plans are always good! Love to you both"

I responded that I understood... and I'm grateful for having such a godly husband who reminds me of that when I forget.  Another friend told me that God will teach me patience one way or another.

Her last text last night read "LOL He's right.  God is simply saying "Trust me Jennifer"  Good Night.  I'm sure we'll talk tomorrow".

Tomorrow? Why would we talk tomorrow?!?  I tried to wake Travis up, but he was to out of it to make a difference.  I read him the conversation and he said it didn't seem cryptic to him, and I couldn't read into it.

I'm subbing at a school that I was at the first nine weeks (and had to take days off for home studies and doctors appointments).  I told my principal I would have my phone on, and would be answering phone calls.

Travis called me about 9:45, and all he said was "It's your fault".

I had instant panic that we had been kicked out of the program or something because I texted the case worker.... fear struck me.

He then said "It's your fault we'll have a baby in a month.  Because you are adopted, and a Green Bay Packer fan. The birth mom's mother is a Packers fan too. Because of you we will be bringing home a little boy in January."

Seriously tears.  All the kids looked at me, and the student teacher quickly explained that they were happy tears.  I excused myself and stepped outside the classroom where he told me more things, but I honestly don't remember much.

A baby boy.

Is matched with us.

Could it be?  Really?

And the tears have kept flowing!

seriously?

So, I misunderstood.

When the agency told us that the birth mom had 5 days, I assumed that meant they gave all birth mom's five days to make their decision.  No.  What it  meant was that the earliest the birth mom would be able to contact them would be 5 days because of the holiday.

We had been viewing today as do or die.  We would know, one way or the other.

If we were picked, it was a phone call.  If we weren't picked, and e-mail.

Talk about anxiety (yes, xanax has been my best friend for the last few days!).  I woke up when Travis left this morning, and couldn't go back to sleep...

The knot in my chest just got tighter and tighter.  At 11 a dear friend of mine forced me to leave.  We went to Target, because I needed to return something, and she needed to get a few things.  I couldn't take it anymore, so about 1/2 way through the store, I borrowed her phone, and checked my email.  I had one from the agency director, but it was about a question.

The birth mom wanted to know how likely it was that Trav would deploy now, or in the future.  I called the agency, but she was out to lunch so I told her what I knew.

As a recruiter, he won't deploy at all, so he'll be home for at least another 2 1/2 years.  If he stays in recruiting for the rest of his career (either at the squadron level or MEPS), he'll be home forever.  His old job isn't highly deployable, and in the 11 years he's been in, he went to Korea for 32 days, and Kyrgyzstan for 4 months.

I figured if the Birthmom is asking questions, at least we are still in the running.

She was meeting with the Birthdad this afternoon. 

Who knows how long they will take to decide.

Until then, I'll be popping xanax and trying to stay busy.

God is determined to teach me paitence, one way or antother....

A nice distraction

Our Sunday School class went to a local theme park for their Christmas celebration.  It was amazing.  Over 4 million lights. 

We stayed a bit longer then everyone else, (we didn't have kids to get into bed- I guess a bonus to being childless!), and were able to ride several roller coasters with no wait at all.

Spending the afternoon with everyone, and the evening with my honey was a nice distraction.

In less then twenty four hours, we will know if we were picked by the birth mom.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day... at least until the call (which is good), or the email (saying we weren't picked).

I hope my phone rings tomorrow....

Next Two Days

In two days, a decision will have been made.

We will know if it was God's plan for this child to come to our family, or to go to another.

It's hard.

We've been watching every penny.

We've not put any Christmas decorations up (we would have a newborn right after the holidays, I'm not going to want to take all that stuff down).

We've mostly planned to go to New Mexico to spend Christmas with my parents.  We swap between Trav's parents and mine every year, and this year we go back there.  But she's due January 1st, and this is her third child.... is she really going to make it to her due date, and do we want to be 12 hours away when she goes into labor.

We've (really I mean I) have been able to push a lot of this to the back of my mind because we've been SO busy with everyone in town.  Really, it was great to have them, but now our house is quite. 

We are quiet. 
Both absorbed in our thoughts.

The next two days will be long.  I don't have a sub assignment on Monday, and I'm almost thinking I'm not going to take one.  They will be calling the parents she wants to be matched with on Monday, and e-mailing the other two that they weren't chosen. 

Then I can spend Monday glowing with my husband, or unpacking my Christmas decorations...

Epic Fail

I got my jeans from Old Navy, but got nothing else that I planned to.

I'm screwed when it comes to Christmas presents.  I have no idea what to get....

Black Friday

The ad's are spread out.

The plan is being laid out.

Tomorrow, we will commence at 0300.

We will divide an conquer

However, on the baby budget, it's not as exciting, because we are buying just gifts, nothing much for us.

exhausted

It's way past my bed time...
my day SO did not go as planned...
however, I was surrounded by good friends that dropped in all day... so it's totally ok (in my mind- Travis' not so sure that he likes the house in this state)

First a friend who I worked with last year, who is also an adoptive mom, I saw just how un-baby proofed my house was.... but it was fun to have her little one around!

Literally, as she left, I threw on shoes to go with my friend to have Thanksgiving dinner at her kid's daycare... I'm Aunt Jenn, how could I say no!

Trav got home within a 1/2 hour of me getting back from that, and him just hovering almost put me into melt down, so I gave him a list (self admittingly- a bit longer then it 'had' to be, some stuff could have done in the next few days... but more then anything I needed him out of my hair so I could get some cleaning done...)

BUT-

My friend/pet sitter/ honorary vet came over to look at kittys paws.  They have all healed nicely, except for 1.  It's nasty... she came and cleaned it, peroxided it, and super glued it.... all while the kitty literally screamed....ugh it was a long 10 minutes!  We caught up for a while (while I folded laundry), and then a mutual friend stopped by as she was leaving.

She is so sweet, she brought me some green chile (she knows I miss it from home).  She got it at whole foods last time she went up to the city... can't wait to try it! :)  She also brought me four padded chairs from the hotel that she's at, so now everyone will be able to sit at our Thanksgiving table! (yea!)

As she was leaving, I walked out with her, and my neighbor (the one I went to Thanksgiving dinner with the kids), pulled in but just with one baby.  She came over and I introduced those two, and we got to talking. 

While the three of us (and the baby) were talking, my parents pulled up.

Crap- I hadn't done anything all day but bake pumpkin bread, and fold laundry....

So, looks like I'll be doing all that tomorrow morning, but I sure had a lot of fun catching up with everyone!

And so it begins....

The long awaited Thanksgiving.  I'm truly so excited. My parents live 13 hours away, and since we moved in July, have never expected us to come back and visit for Thanksgiving.  We usually go to my in-laws house which was about 3 1/2 hours, but now only an hour away.  Two years ago, in our old house, we offered to host, and it was fun.  Last year, since they were so close, they cooked the turkey, well, two, one deep fried, and one roasted, and then packed them up and came over. 

We always do Black Friday, well, at least some of us (my MIL wussed out on us last year!). 

It's always a fun time...

But this year my parents decided to make the trip out here! WHOOHOO!!  It will literally be the first Thanksgiving that we will have spent with them married.  That's saying something since we've almost been married 6 years!

So, right now, my parents are somewhere between Albuquerque and Amarillo, where they will spend the night, which means in less then 24 hours we will have a house full of love!
I.can't.wait...

except that whole cooking thing I have to do the next day... is there anyone out there with some extra cooking elf's that can lend me a few!

Harry Potter via The Soup

Ok, so I'm a HUGE Harry Potter fan... but this was to good to pass up!

Two Years

It's hard to remember that I should have a toddler right now.  We finally have hope, because we have given up on my body, and know that at the end of all the bumps in the road with adoption, we will have a child at the end... a guarantee my body could never give me.

But, it still hurts.  We have had 6 miscarriages.  Six angles in heaven.  The first one we found out about after it was gone, the last four were early, we were still in the midst of beta's and watching the numbers rise, and then fall.  But our second, our precious second.

I don't know if its because we had so much hope. 

Maybe because we got pregnant as soon as he got home from deployment.

We saw a heartbeat even. 
A flickering little spot of our Sea Monkey.

We call this our 'big' pregnancy. 
Maybe because it lasted the longest.

We told our parents, and even started thinking ahead to the future with our little one.

But two years ago today, the doctor took our Sea Monkey from my body, and I was empty.

Empty in more ways then one.

Though I have hope for the future, and the child we will have some day, I occasionally stop and think of our little one that I miss so much.

And I cry.

Today is one of those days. 

This is the last picture I have of our Sea Monkey.  I still keep a copy of it on my Blackberry, though don't click in to see it very often.

Decision

We have decided that we will ask the agency to include our profile when they meet with this Birth Mom.  We've talked to our parents, said many many prayers, and feel at peace with our decision.

The social worker is meeting with her on Wednesday, who knows how quick a decision will be made.

We have faith that she will be lead to to pick the family that will be best for her.  Weather that is us or not, we know it's in God's hands now.

Decisions...

After speaking with our friend this morning, we feel more comfortable with the decision that has been made.  We have talked with both our parents, and are grateful for the loving advice they gave us (and things to think about!).  We are now just waiting for confirmation that our decision is right (or wrong) from God.  Any extra prayers as we struggle with this would be appreciated!

Tomorrow

We have been talking with close friends who are experts in their field, who can help us deal with this 'unique' situation.  We have been praying.  We still don't know what we are doing.  Meeting with another friend tomorrow morning for coffee.  Hoping that we have peace one way or another.  My parents have talked to us, and as adoptive parents themselves, have a great outlook, and support our decision to put our profile in the mix.  I guess tomorrow's meeting will be the deciding factor.

Do you want?

We got it.  Our first "do you want your profile shown" email. 

Our agency will contact adoptive parents if a unique situation arises, to see if we want our profile shown.  Some of it could be drug history, birth father 'complications', additional expenses, or psychological issues.

This particular situation is psychological issues.  Some of it will be overcome just because of the child leaving that situation (head trauma, ptsd, abuse), but some of it might not.

I'll be the first to admit, I've not always been 'stable'.  I had a period in my life where I relied heavily on medication to get through some situations.  So is it wrong for me to question something like this?  When really, the same risk this birth mother passes genetically on to her child I could have easily passed on to my own?

A tough decision to pray over... and a decision that needs to be made soon.

Shopping

I'm not so sure the money I saved this afternoon by going to 3 different stores to take advantage of Thanksgiving food-ish things was worth it... between the headache, rain, and blistery shoes- not even the Starbucks pit stop made me happy.... oh well, it's all done, waiting to be cooked.

excel

Dear Excel,
Some people hate you.  That's ok, because there is other people, like me who love you.  Seriously, I *heart* you.  I enjoyed the 3 hours we spent together tonight as I went through my recipe folders and pulled out all my Thanksgiving dishes.  I typed all the ingredients for each one in your little cell blocks.  I used a color coded key, I sorted you, and now, I have my shopping list.

I will love you forever and ever.

Always,
Jennifer
(the crazy person who
is having her whole family
(my parents, his parents, aunts, uncles....)
over for Thanksgiving)

Inspired

Today, at our church, we had "Deck the Halls".  It's when the church is open from 9am-9pm and you are welcome to come anytime, to help get out, set up, beautify all the Christmas decorations.

I went with a good friend of mine, and we had a lot of fun.  We fluffed, we put on lights, we hung ornaments. 

I love Christmas, and consider myself a halfway decent decorator.  Let me say, I-was-schooled!  Our pastors wife is amazing, she showed me how to wrap the lights (Trav always puts them on our tree-that's his job).  It takes a ton of light strings, but you don't see the wire, because you go up and down the limb, and then cross to the next one near the trunk (if that makes any sense at all.). 
Last year we 'upgraded' to LCD lights... and we have the hinged tree (we got it 2 years ago at a Black Friday sale! I love it!!).  I'm thinking that I might spend the extra few hours to really get them on well, and then keep them on FOREVER!

Now I just need to convince Travis to start pulling the Christmas stuff out of the attic.... I had it all up before Thanksgiving last year, I'm not sure why this year would be any different?!?

Good Friends

Three times this weekend I have been reminded how blessed I am to have good friends in my life.  Some of them live right next door, some hours away.  Some I see on a daily basis, some not as often.  Some give me crazy ideas (B this is you I'm talking about! Race car cake...), and others let me cry.

It's good friends like this that make up for other 'friends'. 

Friends that flake out.  Friends that don't return phone calls.  Friends that only call when they need help. Friends that say they need to pull back, because you are starting the adoption process.  And then the same friends that call you first when they find out that they are pregnant.  I hate those.

But then I'm reminded of friends that are willing to go to the uncomfortable doctor appointment so that you don't have to, friends that make you smile, friends that encourage you.  And those friends are best.  Those friends win out in the emotions of the day.

And a best friend, a husband who covered me when my friend came over, and he knew that I was going to be trying to be a good friend, but that I was dyeing inside.  Because my best friend protects me, and he loves me, the way a true friend should 

Old Window made Picture Frame

I found several old window frames on Craigslist.  A guy was remodeling a house (flipping it I think), and just wanted them gone, quickly.  I ended up buying three.  I figured I could make something out of them....

I googled, I searched, I pondered, and combined several ideas to make them into what they are now.  I love them, and wish I had bought several more when I had the chance.  Somehow the three that I had have already been spoken for, as Christmas Presents.

First, I used a razor blade to clean up the paint on the glass

Since the integrity of the window no longer mattered, and at some point every pane had been caulked on the outside, and stripped that off too.  (Be careful! It's really easy to break the glass when doing this... trust me-I know!).  This isn't necessary, but I found out that by cleaning up this caulk, I could get better placement of the paper (because this is the side you mod podge the paper to). 

Clean, clean, clean... I love the blue stuff!

Cut your paper to get it to fit

(see how without the caulk, it fits in there almost perfectly!)

By using a spong brush, it makes for nice even coat. 

Make sure you get the mod podge everywhere, so the paper sticks good.

I usually smooth out the glue, it makes me feel better

Press your paper on from one side to the other, doing your best to smooth out bubbles... but let's face it, bubbles happen

I used the edge of my (chipped) razor blade, to pop the bubble and let the air out. 

This is the completed one for my Mom

I'm eventually going to make the magnets pretty, but for now, they are a black dot...

I was going to put a strip of magnet on the back, but they weren't strong enough, so I just put another magnet circle on the back, so they hold on to each other through the glass.

The paper choices up close for my Mom's

My second one, for my best friend.  She picked the paper to match her living room colors.

I love the stripes!

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