Raw

Do you ever 'get over' being infertile?  Or having Recurrent Pregnancy Loss? 

Even when you are so happy with the decision you made to adopt.... does anyone know?  Because some hope would be swell.

Maybe its not the fact that I don't have a baby right now that this is so much harder, but instead, the fact that I've been pregnant 5 times...  maybe that's it.

Let me set the scene:
Labor Day weekend, my in-laws bring the boat down.  We're on the lake for several hours, having fun.  We go into town where they have an outdoor shopping mall/area.  We eat at Joes Crab Shack (yum!).  We start walking around the outdoor mall.  There is a ton of people, live music being played.  My husband runs to a desert place to see how late they were open, we were stuffed from Joe's, but still wanted to make sure we would make it back there in time.  My MIL looks at her phone and notices my husband's Aunt had called, (this Aunt was the Mother of the Bride to the wedding we went to a month ago... it's important-read on....)

 By the time that Trav got back, she was on the phone, so we were all standing around her when she joyously yelled, "She's having a baby" (meaning Trav's cousin.... who just got married....)

The next several seconds went in slow motion, at least for me.

There was a range of emotions and thoughts.  "That's great!", "how fun", but those were quickly replace by "holy shit", and then the tears came, and my chest got tight.  I tried to fight it back, because the kids (my husbands little brother and sister) were cheering.  It didn't work.  The tears came.  My MIL immediately gave me a hug and stopped the conversation to give "Jenn a group hug".  I KNOW she meant well, but I had to get out of there.  I didn't even try to tell Travis where I was going... I didn't know, just away from them, to get lost in the crowd, to a small dark nook where I could hide my tears.

I eventually pulled it together, and wound up in the Disney Store.  It's always been one of my favorite places, but haven't been in one in forever.... Travis eventually called me, and they all came and met me there as I was walking out. 

My MIL hugged me, and with tears in her eyes, apologized.  She knows.  She understands.  She always has.  She knows the pain first hand, and knew right then exactly how I felt.

I don't blame her.  It is truly something for our family to celebrate.  A shock- yes, but still joyous. 

However, maybe now I'm just cautious, because I know all to well, just because you see a positive pregnancy test, doesn't mean you have a baby in your arms in nine months.

And maybe I'm jealous....no one ever screamed for me when they found out the news "Jenn's having a baby!".... by the time I got pregnant, with my history (two miscarriages before I got married) it was always a very cautious "ok, we'll pray for you."..... not one of the five pregnancies with Travis were we ever 'out of the woods."  Never to the point where we could celebrate. 

And even though we're adopting.... they still aren't going to scream it, because we know all to well, just because we're matched, doesn't warrant "Jenn and Trav are having a baby".  Things could still go wrong.  When we bring the baby home, she still won't be able to scream it.  Not until the judge signs the paper.... and "They've... umm.... had a baby" just doesn't quite work...

You ladies in this community know all to well, a positive test doesn't guarantee much, so if you have some extra prayers to send our cousin, please do.  I pray that she has a healthy, happy pregnancy, and never knows the heartbreak any of us have experienced.  If you could too, that would be swell!