Our agency requires that we read two different books before our home study. One of them is "Dear Birthmother, Thank Your For Our Baby" by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin, and the other one is "Raising Adopted Children" by Lois Melina. I'm about 1/2 way through the first book, and have the second book waiting.
The first book is very 'pro open adoption', and so I can see why our agency wants us to read it. They prefer open adoption whenever all parties agree, but I'm not so sure.
My adoption was closed. A private, closed adoption. So was my little brothers. Its normal to our family. We turned out ok. We had our parents support to find our birth parents, and I did. But not when I was legally allowed to. I was almost 20. And it was ok. I was ok.
I guess I'm just really torn. I was up last night, because I couldn't sleep (curse of taking a Sunday afternoon nap.... though it was so so good!). I started thinking about our baby. That this time next year, I should have a baby. I thought that in this 'electronic age' that we live in, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with an open adoption, but I think that I'm definitely ok with using e-mail. I don't mind sending pictures of my child. Or videos. And think I would like to collect letters from my baby's birth mother. Put them in some sort of 'book' that they can read. To know that they are loved not only by Travis and I, but by thier birth family as well.
I don't really know. I guess I'm just figuring out that I am WAY more well rounded then some adoptees out there.... so my parents did something right!
I'm adopted, he's in the Air Force, and all we really want is family. After 8 miscarriages, and one failed adoption, this blog is a journal through infertility, adoption, and now parenthood, now that Isaac has filled our baby carriage, and it's about to be filled again with a surprise, successful (so far) pregnancy! It's sometimes blunt, sometimes improper, but always real. This is our story.
I think your parents did a lot right, Jenn! I understand your reservations about an open adoption, and it's really good that you're getting a sense of what you think your boundaries will be. You gotta go with your gut!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
Hi there - I was in your shoes four years ago. I was actually a few steps more reserved. I now have two adopted sons both with very open adoptions, and its been great. Its a personal relationship I've built with another woman who loves my child. I think its important for you to explore what your comfortable with but try to keep an open mind also. Each situation is different. We're very fortunate that both of our son's birthmoms are very mature, caring women. Again, each relationship/situation is different - heck, I'm closer to some friends than I am some biological members of my own family.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on your trip to motherhood!
Seems to me you are going into adoption with more experience with it than most people who only have a glancing acquaintance with it - but your experience is very one sided (even if it was an excellent experience). I don't know where I'm going with this, most likely I'm just thinking with my fingers.
ReplyDeleteWhat I have learned from reading you is that you WILL put a great deal of thought into the decision and not go in with idealistic images of how the adoption will go whether you decide to opt for an open or closed process. I do not envy you this decision making.
You will be able to empathize with your future children in such a connected way. It sounds like your parents did a great job in raising you and making sure you felt loved and whole.
ReplyDeleteWe, too, were opposed to OA when we first started looking into it. Then it morphed. At first, I saw the benefits to the birth parents. But now, as my children grow (they are now 9 and 7), I can see that there are huge benefits to them, for having birth family as extended family, for integrating both parts of themselves, and for love and wholeness.
My BIL, also an adoptee from the closed era, thinks what we do is creepy and will confuse/mess up the kids. I think that's understandable, as his situation worked out for him.
Good luck in your process. Like the others, I know you will arrive at the right decision for you and your loved ones.