I'm here

I'm still around, I'm still reading, and I'm still commenting (mostly), but gosh.  I feel like I don't have much to write about.

We had a conversation about adoption last week (9 days ago) that went rather well. 

We had a conversation about adoption last week (8 days ago) that went rather bad (screaming and everything).

We had a conversation about adoption last week (7 days ago) where it was decided that I was able to run both scenarios in my head- fertility treatments and adoption, so when one path ended, I just moved to the left a little and kept on going.  However, he did not.  He 100% was focused on fertility treatments and now that that door closed, he is having to readjust his GPS and start heading down the adoption route.  He's put in the final destination of "Adoption" but his brain is still "Calculating" how to get there... so ummm... ya.

That's about where it stands.  He's calculating, and I'm doubting.  I was talking to my mother in law (his step mom) this weekend, and she said that that is how the men in this family are. 

I just feel like I'm waiting on him again.

I feel like he has made all the decisions in our 'baby making' process...

He decided when we were going to start a family (when he was ready).  I could have tried to pull an 'oops' baby after we were married (but then again- as we now know- it wouldn't have been a very successful attempt!), but I waited, knowing I didn't want to force him into it...

Two and a half years later, on Mothers Day, he gave me a card where he hand wrote in "I think it's about time we start trying for our own family"

So we did.  And we got heartbreak-  And then he pushed me to continue the testing after the D & C to find out what was wrong.  So I did.  And I resented him for a long time for that, but it did shed some more light on the issues at hand.

And then we moved.  And found a new doctor.  And lost another baby.  And then more testing.  And then Another. And then Another.  And then he said he was done.  He couldn't loose any more of me- that with every loss he saw a little piece of his wife die, and he couldn't do it anymore.

I didn't feel the same way, but 100% respected his decision to get back on birth control. 

So where does that leave me now.  Waiting.  Waiting for him to be emotionally ready to move forward on the adoption.  And that puts me in a holding pattern.  I promised him to not pressure him about it (I'm REALLY bad about that- hence the reason that we bought the house at our last Base... which we ended up getting screwed on when we moved- 100% MY fault!)  I promised I wouldn't talk about it, unless he brought it up, and so far I've stayed true to that. 

But the only way I could do it, was by boxing up all the emotion, hope, thoughts, conversations, taping it shut, and putting away in my brain.  Because if I don't I'll go crazy.  I'm going to try to sit here patiently and wait.

Try. That being the key word. So far- so good.

So- with my adoption 'boxed up', I guess I feel somewhat lost, and this blog has also been 'boxed' up.

 For now.