Got Love, Been Married, now where the hell's the baby carriage

At the dentist

2012-01-20T13:44:00.001-08:00

So if I have a crown, and am I now a queen!

Kept busy

2012-01-15T10:01:00.000-08:00

Oh my gosh... What a freaking week. I think this picture best explains where we've been.

We've been struggling with keeping Isaac eating, and by Tuesday morning, early, we were all miserable. Isaac was up several times that night, and at 5 am, had not eaten in over 12 hours, and hadn't had any wet diapers. We decided not to wait until the doctor was open, and went to the ER. They got us back quickly (unlike the 7 hour wait the week before). They did x-rays and blood work. A few hours later they admitted him.

It was determined that (even after antibiotics that started on Sunday) his ears had gotten MUCH worse. He also tested positive for RSV.

They decided not to do a swallow test, becuase after the speech therapist watched him eat (and tried feeding him), they determined that most of the issues had to do with combinations of him being sick, and nothing more. They gave me some tips to help him eat better, sucking out his nose before each feedings, and swaddelign him, to keep him 'less distracted' by his moving body. The goal right now is 24oz/per day. Yesterday we got to 21oz, so we're headed in the right direction.

We ended up staying 2 nights, and the antibiotic seemed to make such a difference. He was back to my happy baby the morning they released us (Friday). Yesterday, I caught up on all the stuff that had been ignored all week.

There was a light snow that came in the first night we were there. When Travis came to visit the next morning, he and Isaac stood at the window and watched it fall.

He has a nervous thing he does, in scratching his head. He'll also do it when he is really upset (crying). With his IV on the top of his head, he grabbed it a couple times. We've figured out that the gloves they make for babies don't work, he can get them off... however, SOCKS work great. My Mom got him these socks for Christmas (because "every baby needs a pair of Santa socks"). He would look at the 'man' on his hands and smile... it was cute!

I'm glad to be home. And I'm looking forward to having my healthy happy baby back.

Pediatric Urgent Care

2012-01-08T10:57:00.000-08:00

So... it's been a long day.

By 4pm, Isaac had only eaten 8 ounces.

That's not ok. I'm not ok with that.

We took him to the pediatric urgent care.

And they listened.

They really listened to me.

They agreed that something was wrong.

So now we have been told he needs a swallow study and a developmental review.

I hate that it's taken so long to get what he needs, but I'm happy we're getting somewhere.

We're calling the doctor tomorrow to get these referrals started on, so we can get him better.

Saturday Morning

2012-01-07T15:47:00.000-08:00

On weekends, if Isaac get's up early, one of us goes and changes him, the other makes the bottle and feeds him. This morning, I changed him, then went and crawled back into bed. Trav kept Isaac in the other room, and about 10am, came back in with him. He brought him in to snuggle.

There is no better way to spend my Saturday morning then suuggeling with my little guy. I really don't want him to get in the habit of being in our bed, (since it's so hard to break), so I think that we'll keep this as our very limited Saturday morning thing.

But it was awesome!

25 Ounces

2012-01-06T21:01:00.000-08:00

Never would I believe that I could be SO THRILLED about this number, but it's the number of ounces that Isaac ate today!

He's supposed to be at 30 ounces per day.

This is the closest we've gotten in weeks. We still had to fight him, and there still was 45 minuet feeding sessions.

BUT

HE

ATE

25

OUNCES

!!!!!

And that's a great way to start the weekend!

PS: It's crazy warm here today, like 69*, we actually put a jacket on Isaac and took a walk around the neighborhood. He sat in his stroller for the first time!! I took a picture, I'll try to upload it tomorrow. So cute!

Hard day

2012-01-05T22:35:00.000-08:00

Today was a really hard day with Isaac's eating. We got close to 20 ounces, but still not close to 30 ounces.

He also didn't sleep well, and woke up about every 45 minuets, which meant that I never could get to far into any one project I needed to get done.

By the time Trav came home from work, I told him I resigned from being Mom for the evening. I'm so blessed that he happily took over 100% of care for Isaac, and I got to work out in the bedroom and even got a backrub before bed, and generally recharge!

I love that guy. Well, both my guys, even if today was rough!

Updates!

2012-01-05T10:58:00.000-08:00

Ok, I've worked on the digital side of my blog a little bit, so this is probably all you can count on as a post today.

The one thing you'll want to check out is the new tab on the top that says MONTH BY MONTH.

When Isaac was born, we decided to get a build a bear for both him and his birth mom. We got one for her, not only to have, but so she would have something the same as him, and could see compared to the bear, how big he was getting.

I know my mom LOVES these pictures, and has told several people about them (even if they aren't adopting, they get the bear for grandparents out of town).

Doctor's follow-up to ER

2012-01-04T10:24:00.000-08:00

Ugh, I hate our pediatrician.

I've gotta figure out a way to get a new one (our health plan only has like 4, and we've heard they are all bad... love the military sometimes).

So he think's Isaac has reflux. That's awesome, I'm glad we have an answer.

My question is..... why did I have to take my son to the ER, when I told you all the same things A WEEK AGO!!!

All he did then was put us on a two week weight check.

We're starting the reflux med's today, we'll see how quick we see an improvement.

ER Visit

2012-01-03T23:23:00.000-08:00

Last night, the formula change no longer seemed to be working, he was back to biting the nipple and screaming. I called the doctor this morning, and made an appointment for tomorrow. By mid afternoon, he still had only eaten 9oz, so I called the doctor again to see if we should feed him some Pedialyte. They suggested that we go to the ER. We showed up about 3:30pm.

It was the middle of the day... how busy could it be?

Ha! We were there on a RECORD BREAKING day... over 107 patients. About 6pm, we were 20th in line, provided a 'higher level' emergency didn't come in. They gave me Pedialyte to feed him while we were waiting, I had tried formula again, and he outright refused it.

At 8pm, we were 14th in line, and we were both tired. He had hardly slept, and I was exhausted. Travis was there by then. Since we were just sitting there waiting, I told him to stay at work, and get everything done he needed to, so that if I needed him home tomorrow, he could do it easier.

By 10pm, we decided that if all they were going to do was give us Pedialyte, we would be fine, we could get through the night, and just follow up with the appointment we already had. That way we could go home, and they would have one less case to deal with. I felt so bad for the nursing staff, they were doing the best they could, and some people were really being nasty. They said they were going to try to get some cases that just needed to be 'reviewed' by the doctor done and out, and we were on that list. They brought us back just after that, and the doctor confirmed he wasn't in distress, he didn't have any sores in his mouth, and suggested we try goats milk. What the what?

We thanked them, checked out, and left. On the way home, Trav stopped and got some more Pedialyte, so at least if he wasn't drinking formula, he was still drinking something.

We gave our boy a bath, he then actually ate about 4oz of formula, and then tucked him in.

Wow, what a freaking day.

I'm exhausted.

I'm going to bed!

Formula Change

2012-01-02T20:32:00.000-08:00

While we were visiting my parents over the holidays, Isaac's schedule got way out of wack. No matter how hard we tried, we were unable to keep the schedule. Because his sleeping got messed up, so did his eating. Throw in an up-all-night ear infection and we just threw in the towel.

We hoped that once we got home things would get back to normal, and we could begin our routine again. When we went for Isaac's last Wednesday, they of course weighed him again. He was the same weight as he was the week before in the urgent care. His percentage dropped too ( he had gone up to the 13/15%, and is now back down at the 5ish%).

The doctor didn't think it needed to be urgently looked at, so we moved to bi-weekly weight checks (instead of monthly). He told me Isaac should be eating 30oz per day, and to keep track of his intake.

Wednesday through Saturday, he ranged between 18oz and 22oz. Sunday, his intake was even lower, by 1:00pm (after church), he had only eaten 6oz. He would suck and gulp 4-5 times, and then would bear down, and kinda grunt. A friend of ours said that both her daughters did the exact same thing, and that they were lactose intolerant. At that point, Trav and I were desperate, and we stopped by the store on the way home to get some soy formula.

That afternoon, Isaac doubled his morning formula intake, and we were up to 12 oz. By the end of the day, we were up to 20 oz... still not good but better. And no more straining.

Today was rougher, because the sudden (but necessary) formula change 'clogged the plumbing'. Let's just say, you know you're a Mom when.... well, just know that Vaseline, q-tips, and lots of wipes were used, and he ended up in the bath!

We thought things were going better, he was defiantly eating better, until tonight. At his night time feeding, he only ate 4oz (this is usually always a 6oz or 8oz) feeding, and began the bear down-grunting thing again.

There is obviously something wrong. I guess it's compounded with the fact that he's so tiny as it is, he doesn't have the weight to loose (or the option of not gaining weight).

The doctors office was closed today. Guess where we're going to be tomorrow?!?

Year in Review

2012-01-01T10:53:00.000-08:00

January: Super sucky! We had many many many tears as a result as our failed adoption on New Years Eve. I also had my second bout with pertussis (whooping cough). It took 3 ER visits, and 2 doctors visits to figure it out.

February: The month started with our marriage being rocked to the core. I didn't write much about it, because I didn't know how it would end, either divorce, or stronger then ever. Obviously, it turned out we got stronger. I had minor surgery to clear out mucus plugs as a result of the pertussis. My blog started drama with family members (ugh!), and we had a Snowopoclipse.

March: Spring came, and then more snow. We built our raised garden beds. We sent in our taxes, applying for the adoption tax credit for our failed adoption.

April: I did 'A-Z' blogging, but sorta stopped at W....

May: The start of the month was consumed with the OneSolePurpose 5k/10k event that was wildly successful. The second half of the month we spent a lot of time helping out after Joplin Tornado, and our friends that lost everything.

June: My parents came to visit and we had a blast, and then I had a BFP. I miscarried right after, but it added one more to my number of losses. Eight. That's a number I thought I'd never associate with that.

July: We took a trip to Wisconsin to go to a family wedding, and I had fun on Twitter! I stayed quite on the blog, but we also were matched, met Isaac's birth parents, and our little boy was born this month!

August: I turned 28 (!) and we went to Kentucky to pick up our baby boy. We stayed there a week, and then came home after the ICPC as a family. Lots of family came to visit, and we adjusted our lives now hat we had a baby involved!

September: We began getting into a routine after Trav went back to work, and also wrote his birthparents their first letter. We sized kids for their shoes (for OneSolePurpose), and continued to be blessed by Isaac. Also, my back wasn't adjusting well to holding a baby, so weekly visits to get adjusted began!

October: Our family went to the pumpkin patch, and made memories. We also dedicated Isaac at church surrounded by our extended family. We also began cloth diapering!

November: We spent this month being thankful for our family of four, Isaac kept growing, and we started planning our family trip to New Mexico.

December: Isaac experienced his first snow, we traveled to New Mexico, and we finished out our year remembering the failed adoption a year ago, but being grateful for the little boy that has stolen our hearts!

One Year Ago

2011-12-31T18:20:00.000-08:00

A year ago, we were heartbroken.

A year ago, all seemed lost.

A year ago, we didn't know how we'd go on.

A year ago, we sat in each other's arms and cried.

A year ago, our match failed. After we had been there when he was born, spent the whole night with him, went back the next day. After we were completely in love.

It was a really shitty way to spend New Year's Eve. And an even worse way to start 2011.

If only I'd known then that a year later, I would be holding on to him, maybe it wouldn't have hurt so bad.

Or would it?

How It's Changed

2011-12-30T18:51:00.000-08:00

Where I used to lounge and take bubble baths while reading a book and sipping a drink

There is now a babies bath tub sitting.

Right outside the shower, where I would spend a long time under the hot water

is a bouncer, where my little man can sit while I rush through my shower.

On the counter where we used to make our dinner, (and pour my wine!)

Is now a baby bottle tree

Our kitchen table that used to never be used

is where we now where we get our son ready for his outings.

The fireplace that we would turn on and cuddle on the couch

Now has a swing in front of it.

Our entryway nook

now houses an exersaucer.

It's amazing when I look around our house, to know that 6 months ago, none of this was here. Our house, our arms, and our hearts were empty.

Looking around now, there is evidence of Isaac every where.

And that makes my heart happy.

Vacation Time

2011-12-20T08:20:00.000-08:00

I'm on vacation, (and have been for several days) so I'm limiting my computer time, but I did want to drop in and ask all of you to go send some love.

When we had our failed adoption, my readers were amazing! You lifted Travis and I up in prayer, said many kind things, came back to check on us, and you loved us as we grieved.

So I'm asking, will you please do that again! A failed match isn't easy ever, but it especially sucks during the holidays. I know, ours failed on December 31st... what a way to ring in this year!

Please go over to Being Joyful Always and flood her with the same support that you gave me. She needs the love, hugs, and prayers.

Snow!

2011-12-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, not much snow, but it snowed here...

I tried to take Isaac out in it. I knew we had gotten a snow suit thing in some of the hand me downs, but it's 0-3 months, and though he still wears 0-3 months in 90% of his clothes, this did.not.fit.

So, what else is a Mom to do but take a picture on snowflake fabric?!?

Trav ran by on the way home and got a snow suit that fits him, so we'll be ready for our next snow!

An Award

2011-12-08T20:35:00.000-08:00

I REALLY suck when people give me awards, I always mean to go do the fun conversation part of it, but alas, I don't. So now, I just read the comment... and I'm doing it!!

I'm not sure if you read Michelle @ Greetings From Nowhere, New Mexico. Besides the obvious fact that she's awesome because she's from New Mexico (where I grew up). She's a fun gal who is currently taking a short break before they dive back into fertility treatments next year. She has always been so kind and supportive, and I love reading her blog.

1. Thank the person who awarded you.
2. List 7 things people may not know about you.
3. Pass it on to 15 (Holy Crap!) other bloggers and don't forget to notify them.

So... for seven things.

1. Today was my very first day working since we got Isaac. I might have cried a bit after I dropped him off, but once I got there, actually had fun. I subbed for a class that I know well, I had about 1/2 the students for 9 weeks last year during a long term sub position. The were a great class to 'get my feet wet' again.

2. Marshmallows are my downfall. I can eat a whole bag while watching an hour tv show... and have done it several times!

3. I'm not really sure how it's going to impact Isaac's story of adoption, but I think I have a pretty unique view of adoption, because I'm adopted, and now am an adoptive mother. I thought it was interesting as we went through the process the oponions/comments that my Mom and my birth mom had. It was kinda funny!

4. I HATE not being organized for Christmas (like knowing what gifts to get everyone/where to buy them/when we're delivering them...). Guess what... this year seems like total chaos!

5. My little brother is about as opposite as can be, but we have this funky bond that even our parents don't understand. We can not talk for weeks, and then he calls me, estatic, about a grade he got on an Art History paper (92%!! Way to go Ben!). He's 7 years younger then me and a foot taller.

6. If I hadn't married my husband, he would have been my biggest regret. Luckily, we fell in love, got married, and have lived happily ever after. I'm blessed to celebrate seven years with him next week!

7. My husband had benefited greatly from my pinterest obsession... he's never had more home cooked meals. Granted, some of the pins get 'deleated' right after I make them... but I'm trying new things, and for the first time, am sorta enjoying it.

I'm supposed to tag 15 people, but I suck at that part too, so if YOU wanna have some fun and do this too, consider yourself tagged... annnddd GO!

First Snow

2011-12-07T10:33:00.000-08:00

We had our first 'dusting' of snow, but that was enough to break out the snowflake fabric and take some pictures!!!

I got a new camera for Christmas from my parents. Well, really it's "our" camera, because my parents combined our anniversary present, his Christmas present, and my Christmas present. Did I say it was a really nice camera.

I've had it since Black Friday, and have taken almost 800 pictures.... my computer is filling back up, I'm going to have to transfer all the 2009 pictures to our external hard drive soon!

Thanksgiving

2011-11-29T19:04:00.000-08:00

Holidays are so different when you have a family.

I need to have a fairy craft mother... or something. I get these great ideas at say...9 o'clock at night that results in me being up until after 1 am, hand sewing my son's first Thanksgiving shirt. Seriously. I need a craft intervention.

Three Years

2011-11-21T17:00:00.000-08:00

I remembered on the one year anniversary

I remembered on the second anniversary.

But, it's been three years today. Three years since we lost our best hope. Three years since we lost our Sea Monkey. I wouldn't have remembered had I not seen my sister in laws post wishing her son a happy birthday.

One baby was born, one was lost.

Little did I know that this would not be the last loss, but it defiantly was the hardest. We saw a heartbeat. That's all you need, the risk goes down after that right?

Not for us.

I've not had another pregnancy get that far.

Three years ago, we lost our Sea Monkey, but tonight I'm holding our son.

Does the pain go away...

Not really, it just sorta changes.

It's not all consuming anymore. It hasn't preoccupied my day.

When I told my husband, he was like "Oh, wow".

We've gone through so much since that day. The day that 'officially' started our road down the infertility path because this pregnancy was the 2nd loss for us (but my 4th).

We've had 6 more losses together. We've started our adoption journey. We've had a failed match.

But now, as I look across the living room at my husband feeding Isaac, I know. We have OUR son.

The son that has always been in the plans.

The child that was made for our family.

Backed up

2011-11-21T08:01:00.000-08:00

I've not blogged much lately, and when I did the Adoption Interview project, I told her that I hoped it would get be back into the swing of things. One of the fun things that has happen in my 'lack of blogging time' is we had not-so-newborn-newborn-pictures.

They were a gift from a dear friend of mine, and fellow adoptive Mom! Isaac was about 6 weeks when we got them done, and I love them... I can't decide which one is my favorite, so I'll post several!

The rest of the story

2011-11-20T15:45:00.000-08:00

As I promised Seriously?! during our adoption interview project, here is a bit more of Isaac's story.

If you've not read this post, Isaac William, or about our Whirlwind month, read those first, then come back and read the rest of this post.

While we were waiting for a match, we were entertaining the idea of taking in a foster placement. The baby was still in utero at the time, but we had met with the caseworker and they were taking immediate custody once the baby was born. We knew the baby's biological siblings, and loved them. To make a very long story short, and without getting into many details, we never felt peace with this decision, even after many many prayers.

I was home alone when I got the phone call that we were matched. To be honest, I wasn't quite sure how to react, since we knew we wouldn't be able to take both the foster placement and the match. For so many months, we had been discussing the foster placement, as the baby came closer and closer to term. I told our agency I needed to talk to Travis. I drove to his office and just sobbed. We called the agency together, and found out some more details of the match. In any other situation, we would have been thrilled, but the foster baby weighed heavily on our heart. It was about 3pm on Tuesday, and we asked for some time to talk and pray about it. They gave us until 8am the next morning, and then they would need a decision so they could either plan the match meeting, or re-match the birth family.

We prayed, and cried, and talked.

At the beginning of the year, when we found out about the foster placement probability, we decided then, that no matter what, we wouldn't jeopardy a match with our agency for this possible placement. We kept coming back to that comment during our discussions. It was almost as if God was trying to tell us "No, you are not supposed to take that foster placement, what do I have to do, put another baby in your life?!"

We made the decision late that night to accept the match, and then called the next morning to let them know. This is Wednesday, if you're keeping track! The baby boy was due August 10th.

They set up a meeting for that Friday. It was an 8 hour trip there, so we left EARLY that morning. After our failed match, to say we were uncertain would have been an understatement. We arrived at the restaurant and changed clothes (we were in 'traveling clothes', yoga pants and sweats). The local caseworker and the agencies domestic supervisor met us about 1/2 an hour before his birth parent's met us. It was nice to get to know the caseworker (we hadn't me her before), and get a bit of her history with them.

The lunch went well. We defiantly wern't BFF's, but there was a mutual respect, and appreciation I think. They were both well spoken, and had made some decisions about the birth, and their plans at the hospital. The night before, she had a dream, and she saw the baby's eyes, and wanted to keep him. That reinforced the idea that she didn't want to spend time with him at the hospital. She said she knew she was going to be emotional, and didn't want the emotions to get in the way of the decision she already made. We could respect that. They told us of their desire to have a semi-open adoption, and we told them if at any point, they wanted to have a fully open one, we were ok with that.

We left lunch (three hours later!) taking a few pictures, and then we said our goodbyes. On the way home, we talked a bit about how we felt. They seemed to have a better plan on how to deal with the emotions they would be going through. But we were just sorta in suspension.

We had been burned before. We had gotten to excited. We planned to much. We weren't going to let that happen again...

We found out less then a week later, when she went on Thursday for her ultrasound that we were not going to have an August baby, but he would be coming soon. Her amniotic fluid was low, so they were sending her for an induction. We quickly made arrangements for our dogs, and headed out about Midnight so we would be there about 8am. She labored through the night, but didn't progress much. We found our hotel, and were able to get into our room early and slept for a few hours. I think the rest of the story picks up on this post for his birth story.

Since then, we haven't had any contact with his birth parents. We've sent a letter at 1 month and 3 months, and I just sent off a Thanksgiving card that has his feet prints as the turkey feathers. They were going to move, and didn't want anything forwarded to them until they got settled into their new place. I've found them on facebook, and I saw that they just moved, so hopefully we'll have a letter back from them by the first of the year.

Adoption Interview Project

2011-11-17T05:20:00.000-08:00

I was so excited to find out that my partner for this fun interview was someone who I regularly follow! Seriously?!, over at Still Seriously?!. I know that she has gone private, but if you would like to find out more of her story, send ME an email, and I'll forward it on to her (really, this gal's amazing!)

She and I have a lot in common including Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. I HATE it when I know someone in this 'club' because in all reality, this club sucks! However, she and I at times share the same wavelenght, and there have been posts she has written that I have commented and said "yep... EXACTLY".

Now... On with the questions!

Starting with an infertility question, since we both have RPL, I often wonder… Do you think it’s better to have the ability to get pregnant (but not carry to term), or to have never seen a positive pregnancy test.

Good question. I’ve debated this forever. So many people have told me “you’re so lucky you can get pregnant”. But alas, for us RPL girls, pregnancy has become a double-edged sword. However, I always go back to those first few moments before RPL invaded my life. That feeling of hope and excitement about the future is hard to explain. When you’re pregnant (the first few times before ‘pregnancy despair’ shows up) it’s like you have an extra spring in your step. It was a wonderful feeling. You almost feel like you can do anything. Or at least, that’s how I felt. Because I had such a late loss with Mikayla, I know what it’s like to feel a baby flutter to moving around in your tummy. I could poke her and make her move. I loved it. I also know what’s it like to give birth. So, in a sense, I’ve been able to experience it ‘all’ despite not having a baby in my arms at the end of it. But would I wish that away??? No. Not for one minute. As hard as the RPL has been, at least I am able to ‘cross this off my bucket list’ so to speak. I cherish my time with my daughter in my womb. Although miscarriage and stillbirth has been devastating, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, I feel like I have become a more compassionate, loving, stronger, and understanding person because of my journey – 5 sets of double pink lines and all. Like the old saying goes, I guess for me it is somewhat true but bittersweet: ‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all’.

How has infertility affected your marriage?

We got married on January 4^th. By February 3^rd, I was pregnant: A COMPLETE SURPRISE. Our marriage was thrown into the pregnancy trenches and it wouldn’t take long for miscarriage to rear its ugly head, over and over…and over again. We had such the smallest window of hope and joy as a married couple. And for just about 4 years straight, we’ve battled the worst things a couple could go through. In our first year, we had a miscarriage at 13.5 weeks and the stillbirth of our daughter at 24 weeks. Eight months into our marriage and we had to deal with a funeral home, ashes, and naming a daughter we would never get to see grow up. It sometimes feels like we barely got off the ground. Certainly, there was no ‘honeymoon period’. 2008 went Kaput.

To be honest, really honest, it’s been very hard. We’ve been to counseling…thank goodness for that, turned out our counselor had 9 miscarriages herself. That was very helpful for M because she could explain the whole range of emotions that us RPL girls go through. We worked at trying to be just a ‘normal couple’ and scheduled time to reconnect. However, we’ve also become very resilient as a couple. We now know how each person grieves and what we both need to feel ‘ok’. Despite all of the despair and sadness, we are very close in a way that is almost indescribable. Loss can either bring you together or tear you apart. We fought through the battle, and have hopefully come out a much stronger couple.

‘Reconnecting physically’, however, has been very, very difficult. Sex has now become associated with pregnancy, which then becomes associated with miscarriage, which then becomes associated with heartache. We are not the ‘active’ couple we once were. It’s kind of sad. It’s been really hard on M that way. He has really struggled trying to find the motivation to rekindle things. He says he feels kind of scarred from it all. So it feels like our intimacy has gone Kaput too. Ugh. I wish I could report differently. It’s something that we need to work on. Thanks RPL for that.

Has the adoption process had the same trials, or different ones?

We really struggled through the education component. Sometimes we felt like the reading was condescending. We found that we were voicing a lot of our anger about us ‘having to do this’ while ‘others can parent and pop out kids and nobody cares’. But we learned that this was most likely part of our grief from the past. We come from a perspective of ‘loss’, so it also took some time to discuss and understand what an ‘open adoption’ might look like for us. We were surrounded by fear - we didn’t want someone coming to take our baby away again. But through lots of discussion and listening to that fear, we’ve been able to have a better understanding of the various ‘openness’ agreements and I think we’ll find that it will be a lot better than we had initially thought.

Who first brought up the idea of adoption as a means to grow your family? How quickly did you tell other people in your family (close relatives) of your plans?

I did!!! After my fourth miscarriage, I started investigating internet sites of agencies in our province. I wasn’t quite ready yet, but once I was, I think M didn’t need much encouragement. We were both tired of hitting our head against the wall with constant failed pregnancies. There was no hope anymore with that route. Did we want to parent? YES. Did biology have to be the only way we could do that? NO. It took M a little longer to get there, but he got there.

Once we decided, we shouted it from the roof-tops! We FINALLY felt hopeful again. It had been a really long time since we felt that feeling as a couple.

Was your plan to adopt accepted easily/quickly by them, or did they need some time to “warm up to the idea”? What about extended family and friends, do they know yet?

We have received very positive responses for the most part. Everyone likes to share their story of ‘someone they know’. That was helpful. But the announcement also came with some very cautious tones from some. Some shared an adoption ‘bad story’ about a life gone wrong for an adopted child…surely it had something to do with ‘the adoption’. Gasp! Insert eye roll. Others talked about the horribly looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong wait and ‘oh how that will be hard for you’. One, bless her, always retells me the story of her sister and getting the call so last minute. That’s exciting. It’s really been a mixed bag. But one thing is for certain: EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION!!!

And then there’s my mother. She’s a whole other story. Her comments this past year have been: “Are you sure you want to have kids? You know you can’t give them back”. Gee, thanks Mom. That’s helpful. She’s been really slow to openly discuss adoption. So I’m not really sure what her perspective is, but it sure hasn’t been a congratulatory one. The biggest irony, she claims to be very ‘Christian’. So that’s been hard for me to wrestle with. Her reaction has been very disappointing and sometimes, very hurtful. It makes me sad.

Have you talked about what you want your adoption to look like (in a perfect world?)

No, not really. We just really want to FINALLY have a family. In our minds, that is when perfection will come. We’ve had so much disappointment around ‘expectations’, we’re better off not having any I think. Just plop that baby into our arms and let’s call it a day. ;)

Do you think adopted children are extra special, like they were fought harder for?

I know that I would definitely treat all of my children equally. That’s a tricky question. However, Adoption itself is unique and special. One that requires handling with care, sensitivity, and love. It’s hard to answer this now, but I can sure tell you that this little one that comes to us is REALLY gonna feel the love from us. They will play a big role in restoring the Hope we feel like we’ve lost. Mending our hearts is a big task, so perhaps that is an expectation/hope for this child…but I’m pretty certain that we will tell them just how incredible and meaningful their arrival to us was. So this child sure will be extra special in our eyes.

As a teacher, do you think you have a different view point on adoption (seeing kids that grew up in bad homes, knowing that you’ve worked with kids exposed to drugs in the womb, and thinking ‘I could handle those challenges as a Mom’?

ABSOLUTELY!!!! Being a teacher has opened my eyes to so many experiences for kids. The good, the bad, the ugly. I’ve wanted to take many of my former students home to help make things better for them. That feeling has driven my passion for teaching. I think that’s why I was able to embrace adoption so easily because I knew that I could love any child. In fact, for the past 8 years since being in the same grade, I’ve come to love even 12 and 13 year olds in all of their finest, hormonal glory. Attachment takes time, it takes work, but biology ain’t got nothing on my love for a kid. (Pardon the grammar but slang is fun and sometimes right to the point!) ;) So yes, being a teacher sure made the switch to adoption a whole lot easier. I think that I walk through this adoption path with a whole lot more confidence because of it.

I know we have gotten grief about adopting domestically instead of internationally, have you experienced anything similar?

No, I think most people are just happy for us that we feel hopeful again that our family is going to actually happen one day. Some people have asked about ‘the kids in Africa’ but we’ve maintained that we need to choose a situation that we’re both comfortable with and one that we can afford. Remember, I might be ‘the teacher’ who can see through every child right to their heart, but those who haven’t been exposed to children as much, take more time to get there. To be honest, we also can’t even afford an ‘international’ adoption to the States…it’s more than twice as much as a domestic one. We’ve really educated a lot of people about the difficult, emotional, and financial process/frustrations of adoption. Most people don’t have a clue that it can be so costly. And our friends and relatives are starting to realize that it’s not as easy as most people think.

Many of your readers (like me!) are in the United States. I often wonder how adoption changes when you cross boarders. Would you give a brief outline of what your process is and if you know any areas that are different from the processes in the US?

I’ll try to make this right to the point and provide as much as I can remember off the top of my head. In British Columbia, Canada, adoption guidelines are:

· all work for a newborn infant is to be completed through a private agency. You pay them, and they arrange the homestudy, the education component, criminal record checks etc. One stop shop so to speak. The process from making your first payment to becoming ‘active waiting parents’ takes about 4 months.

· The fees are approximately $20,000 for a local infant (typically we can only adopt from our own province), $40,000 and upward for an international adoption, not including flights etc. International includes the States for us. The fees for all local adoptions, regardless of race, culture, special need etc, are all the same, province wide. International adoption rates can vary depending on the country you are adopting from.

· the birthmother has 30 days to change her mind, no questions asked…EEEK! Not good for an RPL girl. Our BIGGEST fear will be during those 30 days.

· our agency ONLY does about 18 adoptions A YEAR

· there are only 6 agencies in our entire province

· upon homestudy approval, our 2 page profile goes into a binder. The birthmother looks through the binder at various couples’ profiles, there are about 40 couples on average, in no particular order or classification, and she chooses the couple she’d like. Then she looks at their big book/picture essay and makes it final. There are no wait lists, no numbers, no priority. Essentially…we could ‘wait’ forever if nobody picks us.

· Open Adoptions are STRONGLY encouraged and supported

· BC’s ‘Waiting Children’ are children who are in foster care or have been recently taken from their birth family because of abuse, drugs, alcohol, or other forms of neglect

· Adopting a ‘waiting child’ is free. Children are typically older, not newborns but can be infants to teens, and usually have some form of special need or need extra TLC because of the prenatal damage or neglect/abuse in the home

· We’re excited to say, that we are now going to adopt both privately through an agency, and through the Ministry for one of BC’s Waiting Children. It feels incredible to be able to reach out and provide love and stability to a child who REALLY needs us. Win, win for all of us.

(and some non adoption ones just for fun!)

What is your favorite memory that you and Mike have made?

Ha! You’re so cute. Ok, well, we both think that it probably has to be our wedding in Cuba. We were engaged and then decided to run away together and get married on the beach. Cuba had horrendous hurricane-like weather, but the skies parted just before our ceremony. It was incredible. It was one of the last times that we were both so happy and hopeful as a couple. The world was our oyster!!! RPL sure did a lot of damage, but it can’t take away that moment. We’re thinking the next one will be after our 30 days with our ‘forever baby’ in our arms. Oh man, I can’t wait!

If you could travel anywhere with Mike, where would you go? What about a ‘girls’ only vacation with your best friends, where would you go?

Mike and I love to travel. He’s been all over the world. I’ve been to Europe, the States, and the Caribbean. But he’d like to take me to Egypt, Greece, and Italy. Three places that I haven’t been, and where he absolutely loved. We sure hope to do that together, one day.

Girlfriends???? I LOVE GIRLFRIENDS!!! Well it would have to be an all-inclusive trip to an exotic beach somewhere to suntan our butts off all day, drink umbrella drinks, and watch the cabana boys. ;) Mind you, I did NYC with some gal pals and that was pretty fabulous too. I could totally do that again.

So, it seems Seriously?! and I will be headed to the beach somewhere soon.... any of you want to join us!

xoxo friend, I love that you have shared this journey with me on our trip to Isaac, and CANNOT WAIT until we get to rejoice with you and your little one!

Phone Pictures

2011-11-07T19:20:00.000-08:00

I think that I take way more pictures of our 'everyday life' with Isaac on my phone, because I take a picture some time, every day to send to my Mom

Isaac's first smile on camera (his 3rd or 4th ever)

I hate the bumbo!

Look how good I hold my head up!

Cutest Pumpkin Around

2011-11-07T19:10:00.000-08:00

My Mom started the tradition of having my brother and I be a pumpkin for our first Halloween. I knew whenever we had a family, our first baby would be a pumpkin too.

It was so hard for me to find a costume I liked, and I'm lucky to have a friend who is a magician with her sewing machine, and could make the necessary alterations.

I decided last minuet that I was going to dress up too, as a scarecrow. Not inventive, but it worked, a scarecrow and her prize pumpkin.

He always has the gummiest smiles! I love them!

Happy Halloween!!!

almost midnight

2011-10-20T22:08:00.000-07:00

It's almost midnight, and I'm exhausted....

I can almost crawl into bed, but not quite yet. I have to wait for one more buzz of the washer, so I can finish off my crazy day.

My Mom is in town, and we are dedicating Isaac at church this Sunday. We went to lunch at Panera (They don't have him where she lives) and then went to the mall. My son has a ton of cute clothes, but we were wanting something a bit 'dressy' for the dedication. We looked, and looked, and looked... and didn't find anything in his size. Well, we found one sweater vest that was $32.00, and a 'big' newborn sized. He would fit in it perfectly now, but it wouldn't last much longer. And that's dumb, to spend that much for basically one day. So he'll be cute in something we already have.

After the mall, we ran by the only grocery store in town that carries our flushable cat litter (I will never use anything but flushable... it makes life so easy!)

We came home and did the following:

Vacuumed the living room/hallway twice (we have 3 dogs... it takes 2 times to get all the hair)
Steam cleaned the living room/hallway
Made cake balls
Gathered all the veggies left in the garden before tonight's freeze
Made chocolate chip pumpkin muffins
Washed the dog's bedding that they sleep on in the bedroom (again, three dogs... but we just do the covers of the orthopedic foam beds they have in there, so all one load)
(meanwhile, my husband washed the dogs so that added a load of 'drying the dog' towels right here)
Wash the dog's bedding from their crates (three dogs, bigger, poofy beds, so three loads of laundry)

Man, when my Mom is around to take care of Isaac, I get so much done! She even made us dinner!

Once the last bed finishes spinning in the washer, I can go throw it in the dryer so it will dry over night, and be ready for the morning.

Oh.... it just beeped, dang that was good timing! I'm headed to the laundry room, and then to bed!

Remembering

2011-10-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

I am one in four.

Though right now I just put my son down for his morning nap, we struggled for many years to have a family.

As he sleeps right now, I'm crying remembering the little ones that I have in heaven.

Eight of them.

Some boys and some girls, I'm sure.

I'll never be able to hold them here in my arms, but they will be waiting for me.

Loosing them has hurt more then I can explain, and is something I would never wish on anyone.

But because of the loss, I've made some of the best friends. Some that are far away, and some that live close. There is a special bond that I have with others. We both know the pain. We can both cry for each other.

We both know how bad it sucks when you have to continue with your life, or the events you have planed, knowing that each twinge is your body failing you. I hate that I (and others) know just how to 'suck it up' because we've been there before...

So, for my friend in Florida, who lost her first just a while ago, or my friends down the street who have lost as many as Trav and I. I think of you. Today I'm remembering your angles, as I remember mine too.

Cloth Diapering

2011-10-13T10:09:00.001-07:00

So... we jumped into cloth diapering about 4 weeks ago.

I wasn't sure how long it would last. I bought 2 packages of diapers (size one and two) the other day and spent $40.00.... ya, those cloth are going to stick around!

A good friend of my does the cloth diapering thing, and has told me as long as I've known her how great it is. I was curious, but not on board yet. She's an adoptive momma too, so she totally get's the 'baby budget' as in, we need to pay off this one, and save for the next one. That was her angle. That's how she hooked us!

I will say right now, I'm doing it for the money (savings) and not for the environment... granted, helping the environment is a plus, but it's not the primary reason. That being said, we still us disposables, when we're traveling, when someone is watching him for us, when we go to church.

We were able to get 24 diapers brand new diapers with inserts and 3 wet bags (for when we're out and about) for just about $110.00. We were lucky, it's not normally that cheep. I went and bought PUL fabric (it's sorta laminated, its what the diapers are made of) for my friend to make me a bag that fit's in the trash can. We don't soak ours, we just put them in the trash can (with a lid that closes tight), and I was every 2 days. There is also a wetbag hanging on the back of the bathroom door for the poopy ones.

I experienced my first home improvement project fail. We needed to install a sprayer to our toilet line to rinse out the poopy diapers. It took two trips to Lowes, one to Home Depot, three to Ace Hardware, and two to a specialty plumbing shop. The sprayer was installed, there are no leaks, but I still consider it a project fail. Well, I guess it wasn't a total fail, but we sure paid for it. As in about $15.00 of unused parts that were unreturnable (because we had cranked down on them to stop leaks)

Travis during the sprayer install

All of the colors we have!

Isaac and his first cloth diaper!

Seriously, he's so tiny, the cloth diapers are the ONLY reason his 0-3 month pant's stay up!

Like I said, we've only been doing them for about a month, and we're still trying to get in the routine. But, so far so good.

Cloth Diapering

2011-10-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

Travis during the sprayer install

All of the colors we have!

Isaac and his first cloth diaper!

Seriously, he's so tiny, the cloth diapers are the ONLY reason his 0-3 month pant's stay up!

Like I said, we've only been doing them for about a month, and we're still trying to get in the routine. But, so far so good.

Pumpkin Patch!

2011-10-08T11:44:00.000-07:00

We have a local 'working farm' that is owned by the park board. It's open for visitors all the time, but they had a big Harvest Fest a few weekends ago.

Trav, Aleigha and I had SO much fun. Isaac slept.

We saw sleeping Pigs

Isaac and Daddy rode a tractor

He wasn't fond of the chickens (or maybe just hungry?)

The horse tried to eat my arm, I laughed!

We picked him a pumpkin shortly after this picture, then went to eat kettle corn and listen to bluegrass music. It was then that he decided to wake up, so I made my family go BACK and retake family pictures in the pumpkin patch!

My little Pumpkin, and his first pumpkin

sorta caught up

2011-10-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

My world is sorta caught up...

I took my shower at 5:45 tonight. I was hoping to get it done by noon!

We went to a pumpkin patch, and had a lot of fun!

I've finished a bunch of projects, some for Isaac's room, some not.

We've started cloth diapering (so far so good!)

He grew out of his very first outfit we got him, and I cried.

I've almost got my thank you cards... made... now to write them and send them out!

I finished my friends growth chart for her 4 kids, now I need to make one for Isaac!

Tomorrow we have his 2 month shots, and my little boy will be 10 weeks!

I've spent most of today ordering 300 prints from SnapFish (they were having a special (a penny a piece!), so that I can scrapbook our life upto Isaac, and then I'll get started on his... yes, 300 prints... I'm THAT far behind (like 6 years), but after the scrapbooking night I went to (that I didn't scrapbook at all at), I've got everything organized, so I'm ready to go!

If I can spend as much time tomorrow working on other stuff as it took to go through 3 years worth of photos, then *fingers crossed* I'll be able to post some photos tomorrow!

First Letter

2011-09-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, we had to send our first letter to Isaac's birthparents. It seemed like such a daunting task. I wasn't really sure what to say. Or how to start, or what not to say. Our agency included a example, topics, and a few adoption articles to help us with this first letter.

I read them all, and then sat on it. For a few days.

I sat at my computer and started to write. And I wrote, and wrote. They suggested 3-5 pages, on 'nice' paper. All I could come up with for 'nice' paper was the paper we printed resumes out on, so that's what they got. We had to do two letters (they could be the same) but addressed to his birth father and birth mother. And had to send in duplicate set's of photos.

I told them about the time we spend in Kentucky, what we did while we were there, the trip home, our routine, and other things that had happened, like the baby shower friends held for me. He was able to meet all his Grandparents within a week of each other, so we sent photos of them each holding him, told about his room and routine. We wrote of how much he has changed our lives, and brought a whole new level of joy to our family/marriage/lives.

And then we sent it off.

His birth parents requested a semi-open adoption, even though we were willing to have an open one. I hope that they write back to us (and said that in the letter). I also included an 'adoption contact specific' email address for them to email to us if they would like to.

Being adopted myself, I didn't have much information on my birth parents. My first few months of contact with my birth mom was all about questions. Who she was, why she placed, what other family I have...

I don't want that for Isaac. I want him to know how loved his is by both of them. I want him to know where he gets his gorgeous brown curly hair. I want him to know them. I want him to love them, just like we already love them.

I hope they respond. I hope they write back. For him. For us.

Back's a Crackin'

2011-09-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

I love my doctor.

Like LOVE, love him.

He's old school. I think I talked about his 'old school-ness' when I was sick (really sick-whooping cough undiagnosed for several weeks sick) last winter.

He has no problem giving you a shot of antibiotics to skip the whole 7-10 day pill thing.

He'll hook you up to a 'super pack' IV full of immunity recharger's (it's yellow, I think it has potassium in in? and other good stuff) right there in his office.

If I'm sick (strep), and my husband starts to get it (he's both of ours doctor) , he doesn't make him go in, just sends in another prescription for the same thing I was on.

Well, this whole new rocking, swaying, carrying a car seat baby thing has JACKED with my back. I tried Motrin, hot baths, having Trav rub it, but it got bad. I went in and he cracked it for me!

Now, I'm a HUGE fan of chiropractic care, but my health insurance doesn't cover it... but he's had the training, and so he can do it right in his office! LOVE IT! I went back on Monday for my second round. It's getting better, I'm doing stretches and strengthening things for it too, but until it stops hurting, it's nice to know I'm a phone call (and a no co-pay office visit) away from feeling better!

So tired!

2011-09-12T20:47:00.000-07:00

I never understood how new moms couldn't find time to blog... all you do is stay home all day with a baby.

Ha.

I get it.

I so get it.

We are here, we are healthy, we are happy.

Trav goes back to work full time on Thursday. I've loved having him home, and it will be interesting to see how our schedule changes once that happens.

I have the most amazing husband ever. He knows me so well, and know's when to tell me to go to bed at 9pm, and take all the night feedings, and let me sleep in... even if it means he does it 2 nights in a row! I'm so blessed that he's such a great Dad. I love watching him with Isaac, he's so gentle. He talks to him, feeds him, reads to him, plays with him, rocks him, and is just amazing.

We had our 'not so newborn' newborn shoot today... and oh my gosh. Since Isaac is over 6 weeks, he made us work for it! Our photographer has posted some 'rough' sneak peaks, (non edited) tonight, but a new one comes up about every hour, so I'll wait to post them all.

Seriously, my son is awesome.

Just freaking awesome.

And he'll be up in 2 hours to eat... so I'm going to bed!

changes

2011-09-02T16:52:00.001-07:00

There is something amazing (and sexy) about watching your husband become a Daddy!

love

2011-08-31T12:55:00.001-07:00

Whirlwind

2011-08-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

That is the perfect description for the last month.

We found out we were matched on Tuesday, July19th.

We met Isaac's birth parents that Friday, July 22nd.

He was due August 9th, but at her appointment the Thursday after we met them, her amniotic fluid was low, and so they sent her to labor and delivery for induction.

We cleaned the house, packed our bags, and headed to Louisville about midnight. We drove all night, and got there about 8am Friday morning. She still had not had him, but continued to labor, so we checked into our hotel, slept a little bit, grabbed lunch, and waited.

About 6:00pm , they decided to do a c-section, because she only progressed to 4cm.

I was running (jogging/walking/whatever you call it trying to train for a 5k) at the gym at the hotel, so I ran upstairs, told Travis, and jumped in the shower. We arrived at the hospital right after he was born, and was able to hold him quickly in the hallway before they took him to the nursery.

He was in the nursery for about an hour before we could go in and see him, and even then, he had to stay under the heat lamps for about another hour. Once we finally did get to hold him, they let us go to the 'family room' (also used for nursing) attached to the nursery, and we stayed with him until about 3am. We were able to do all his feedings, talk, sing, pray, cry, and simply be amazed where we were.

He loved the swing in the nursery, and still loves it!

We had the most amazing nurses, they were so supportive of us, talked with us, showed us what to do (to say we were overwhelmed might be an understatement). We spent so much time with the nurses in the nursery, we've become friends, and took Isaac back to see them while we were there.

The rest of that weekend was spent either at the hospital with Isaac, or at the hotel sleeping.

On Sunday, he got released, and we headed home.

The last picture we have of him before we left Kentucky.

In Kentucky, they don't have 'legal risk' placements, so he had to stay with a foster family, who had adopted from our agency before. The 8 hour trip home that Sunday was the worst trip ever. We cried when we left the hospital. We cried when we passed the state lines, each city that went by. We had left our son, and already we missed him.

His birth parents had to wait 72 hours to sign the termination of their parental rights, but since he was born so late on Friday (6:21pm- after business hours), they signed Tuesday morning.

We were blessed by the foster family. They were always welcoming to phone calls and emails, and sent us several pictures every day.

His first doctors appointment

The weekend between when he was born, and when we went back was my 28th birthday. This was the best present I could have received. I will never be able to thank his foster family enough to have captured those days for us on film. They are pictures/time that we would have missed out on entirely.

We knew not to expect a court date the week the birth parents signed, so we prayed (and asked everyone around us to pray) that we would find out a date the second week. We were told it could take 2-3 weeks. On Tuesday, August 9th, I got a phone call from the case worker in Louisville. She told us we had court on Thursday and I said "oh, awesome, we have a little more then a week" as I was thinking about everything that had to be done between now and when we left. She laughed and said, "No, in 2 days!". Panic.

Two days, we just wanted to know the date of court, never expecting it would be that soon. Our God is an awesome God, and herd our prayers!

The next two days were frantic, trying to get things ready, packing, preparing our house/dogs for the pet sitter, trying to figure out what baby things we needed for the first few weeks of his life, and what other things (cutting board, mixing bowls, etc) we needed to live in a hotel for 2-3 weeks (the possible estimate of how long we would be there).

Court was that Thrursday morning, we were somewhere in Indiana when we got the call that everything was done, Isaac was ours! The adoptive parents are not represented at all during court, so there was no need for us to be there (and it was suggested we don't show up). The case worker had another piece of business to attend to downtown, so we planned on meeting her at the foster families house.

Reunited at last! My two favorite guys!

Our first family picture... well, once court was done, family picture!

There is a baby... in MY car!

So that is the beginning of the story, sorry I've been so absent. I'll try to get our 'Kentucky Adventures' post done soon, with of course, more pictures!

Isaac William

2011-08-13T07:27:00.000-07:00

Isaac William

Born July 29th, 2011

6:21pm

5lbs 10 oz

18 1/2 inches long

Forever in our family August 11, 2011

I'm sorry, I know this isn't much of an 'explanation' post, forgive us for keeping it quiet for the past few weeks. We wanted to make sure he was forever ours. I'll update more later, for now, I'm going to go snuggle my son!

Drama!

2011-08-03T22:34:00.003-07:00

Seriously... love this show... and love Andy!

Back to School

2011-07-26T19:52:00.000-07:00

I suppose we're 1/2 way through the summer (or more... I refuse to count how many weeks we have left!), and school supplies are starting to multiply everywhere we go. We went and got everything the my step-daughter needed for 7th grade last week. I'm glad Trav went with me, because she wanted the design on the very top shelf, and no matter how much I stretch my 5'1" body, there was no.way.at.all. I was going to be able to get them! :) I realize that they are deeply discounted in a few more weeks, but we were the only ones in the school supply isles, and it was great. Totally worth the five bucks I might have saved if I waited and braved the masses.

I love the Target commercials this year. All of them! But this one, is by far my favorite...

Glitter.... so much Glitter!

In Plain Sight

2011-07-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

I love this show. I think I've blogged about it before. It's filmed where I grew up in Albuquerque, so it's fun to watch and see streets that I drove, buildings I know, restaurants I've eaten it in. It's fun.

Oh, and the show is pretty good too!

So the main character Mary, is pregnant. She is very 'career minded' and at this point in the story has decided to make an adoption plan. She's met with the caseworker, and has received profiles. It's going to be interesting to see how this plays out.

I haven't seen the one last night, I watch The Real Housewives, so I watch them on demand, and they it always takes a few days.

Besides this show, and 16 and Pregnant, there aren't many shows that have adoption as part of the plot line. The next few shows should be interesting!

My favorite quote in the show so far, is by a relocated witnesses' wife, "Is everything in Albuquerque so brown?" Yes, the answer is yes!

Again...

2011-07-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

Being infertial, you learn to deal with having a ton of people between your legs... your privacy goes out the door-quickly! So when it's time for my yearly exam, meh, not really a big deal. The fact that I only go to my doctor yearly now, instead of weekly (or more then that if we were monitoring folicals!) is great.

But I have another yearly exam I have to do. Several years ago, after an emergency surgery, they discovered that I had several polyps in my colon. These polyps are always pre-cancerous, and it was alarming that I had several because I was only 24 (at the time).

My doctor in Kansas City just wanted to see me every two years as follow up, so I had my follow up last summer. However, my current local doctor would like to see me yearly.... so like now.... blah!

They knock me out, so it's not that big of a deal, but the prep is horrible! :)

The nurse called me today to make sure I was still local, and said she would get started on the insurance side of it. Last year, they called me on a Monday and asked if I could do it Thursday, so I suspect that this year will be similar. Within the next few weeks I'll go in for my yearly check up....

I can't wait....

Home Study Thoughts Updated with answers

2011-07-18T11:21:00.000-07:00

For those of you that have had to do a home study, did you do it through your agency or through another organization.

I get that in the foster care system, when they do your home study (for free), it is only available to use when taking a placement from the state. If not, then everyone would go that route, and back out as soon as the home study was done and adopt privately.

However, what about if you paid for it. And paid a 'fair market' price, not discounted because it was your agency doing it. We paid $1250 for our home study, and it was done by one of the adoption case workers from our agency.

There was an adoption possibility with another agency that we were interested in, and so I requested a copy of our home study (the other agency said they needed it). When we got it, on the bottom of every page it said that we could only use it when adopting from our original agency. I quickly got out our adoption agreement, and found NO WHERE in the documents that our home study could be used for them only.

I sorta feel that it's like buying a car at a Chevy dealer, and them saying you can only buy gas and get your oil changed at their location. I bought it, why can't I do with it what I want!

Is this typical? Do any of you have agencies that you can only use your home study for them?

Also, I noticed several issues within the home study, such as last names for siblings were wrong, and my life insurance total was about $100,020 off... those seem like kinda big deals... should I call and have them correct them now? Do you think they would charge me the $450 to 'update' our home study (it's required if you change jobs, move, etc). Should I wait until our update in October to have them fix it then.

It's complicated, but so critical to the adoption process.

**UPDATE**
To answer some questions:

We were never shown drafts, nor the final home study. In fact, I'm sure that if I hadn't requested it from the agency for a possible placement somewhere else, we wouldn't have seen it at all.

Our fingerprints, background checks, etc were also additional fees, the $1250 was just for the home study. We also had a nearly $500 application fee as well.

I wonder what would have happened if we never saw the home study, had a normal placement through the agency, and then there was an issue over inaccurate info when we went to court.... Hmmm....

Our Garden

2011-07-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

For you Kelly! :)

This is what it started like.... just after the seed's popped up.

This is it now!

It's been going crazy! So far, I've picked enough cucumbers to make a batch of pickles, peas and green beans to eat (and froze several packages of green beans), and one onion. Still nothing off the bell pepper or banana peppers, but they are growing, just not ripe! We've gotten a few grape tomato's off and one of the Goliath one's. YUM! So good. Several others are growing and just starting to turn.

It's been a blast so far, but a lot of work!

I'm sorry

2011-07-17T06:29:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry

Giveaway results

2011-07-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

Sorry that I've kept you all in such suspense.

We found out my little brothers dog has leukemia, and struggled with my parents and Ben with them through the weekend as we decided what to do. This morning Blake went to puppy heaven, surrounded by those that loved him most, and with us thinking about him from afar. He's joined his litter-mate, and my dog, Packer who's been there waiting for him for several years. He's at peace, but our family is hurting. He's been a part of our lives for over 11 years, and gosh this sucks.

So... since I'm crying again- on to happier things...

Thanks for those of you that entered my give away! Here is the random.org pick for the winner of the MyMemoriesSuite digital scrapbooking software!

TwichiVixen!!!

Thanks for stopping by to visit the give away, I'll be contacting you soon with the info you need to download.

For those of you that missed out on the giveaway, but still would like the software, use this code STMMMS94895. This will give you $10.00 off, bringing the price under $30.00!!!

Enjoy scrapbooking!

Road Trip!!!

2011-07-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

Since I couldn't write much while we were on our trip, I've been absent for most of the holiday weekend. However, I tweeted my fingers off! :) I'm not great at twitter. I sometimes go days without checking my feed, and when you have 500+ new tweets, you sometime just have to give up and start at the top of the feed. I've done that more often then I want to admit! So.... I figured the best way to sum up my trip is to share them with you here!
The general story: We rented a car to drive 10 hours North on Friday, to go to my husband's aunt's wedding on Saturday, to drive home on Sunday.

our rental car has xm raido! what are the good stations?

short detour to our old house... they kept the front door red!

pimped out station wagon, dual exhaust, "hiofficr" licence plate, driven by an OLD guy, #onlyiniowa

random things you learn about your husband (of almost 7 years!) on a long road trip: he was in chior at school....

he will drive on a rumble strip to drown out me singing 90s boy band songs to him (its my turn to control the raido!)

the cars speekers can go real loud... he found the hip hop station and my insides are jiggling

five hours down...five more to go.... #iowasucks #roadtrip #ilovemyhusband

my fingers hurt from picking all the salt off my pretzels...

who has rush hour at 2:20 in the afternoon? #roadtrip #iowasucksworse

we are going AWAY from the equator...why is the temp going up?#roadtrip #iowasucks

we just stopped at the most pregnant gas station...3 ladies about to pop walking around inside. #roadtrip #iowaisfertile

hey, there aren't any floor mats in this #rentalcar #roadtrip

(a friend who rented us the car tweeted to me that when rental car companies buy the type of car we got they don't come with them...)

thats weird.... they have the little hooks for them (my toe found one...) #ouch #roadtrip #stubbedtoe

Trav thinks i'm slap happy... and doesn't love that I'm using up my data... he warned me I better not go over #orelse! #roadtrip

Whats in the box that is so important that it blocks your field of vision? After following them for 78 miles? Ice Tea.

our more hours.... blah... stupid rush hour in the middle of the afternoon #iowasucks #roadtrip

#roadtrip food so far: almost salt free pretzles, water, and salad I think as a reward for getting through #suckyiowa should be ice cream!

worst road ever=I 35 in Northern Iowa #roadtrip #iowasucks can you tell I am OVER Iowa?!? were on exit 197, someone look up how many more?

We're headed to Wisconsin...via #suckyiowa!

Minnesota!! no more #suckyiowa. However, still #badroads #roadtrip

just passed into Mn! last sign simply said "casino" I'd rather use data complaining on tweets then actually finding out where!

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth... GO PACK GO! #packers #roadtrip

free wifi! #coldstonecreamery and #mcdonalds weird combo!#roadtrip

my #roadtrip lover! isnt he handsome!

we turned it up all.the.way!#rockingout #roadtrip

my desire was bigger then my stomach! #myreward #roadtrip #cakebatter #gummies

if you are a new follower, I'm sorry, I normaly don't tweet this much...ever... I'm just trying to stay entertained!

he want's to get back on the road.I enjoyed my 10 min out of the car, my tummy has ice cream, and I'm riding next to someone thats pretty hot

good by free wifi less then 2 hours left #roadtrip #nap!

just passed the #spam hall of fame...gotta stop there on the way home! #iadmit I've never had #spam #roadtrip

trav wouldn't let me stop, he said on the way home, he might let us stop to take a pic next to the big spam can!

saw these huge wind farma on the way up #green #roadtrip

he discovered with a swift uppercut, he could "bite" the pretzel in half #soweird #roadtrip

helpful that I've had 5 knee surgeries on my left knee, he can multitask! #kneehurts #roadtrip

#roadtrip is over, we made it!

at least the good looking one is in the pictures! #roadtrip

it was beautiful at sunset!#roadtrip

can't make this up.... we u-turned so I could take a picture!

BEST BAR EVER #gopackgo there was packer stuff everywhere!

Local hero, Packer Elvis! #roadtrip

hes cleaning off the clicker! #ocdmuch? #germs #roadtrip!

we are at one of the most pathetic hotel breakfasts ever!

the most awesome bathroom ever, pink and hunter green at his grandmas!

Trav showing his grandma how to text. we took a pic and sent it to his mom and she responded

grandma was amazed at how quick she responded! so funny, we showed her apps to#shewasamazed #roadtrip

our motel last remodeled circa 1987....

to bad this didn't catch on. Every hotel should have them. (it was empty-we tried!) #roadtrip

#roadtrip- part duex: the trip home, coming soon to a tweet near you!

so... I have full signal, but can't but upload photos.... #roadtripfail

really? #roadtrip #gasstation finds

does this look odd to anyone else?#roadtrip #gasstationfinds

I want one! #roadtrip #gasstationfinds

awesome! We're back to Iowa.... maybe it won't be as sucky as two days ago? #doubtful

guess what I am! thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud #roadtrip

#suckyiowaroads! thud-thud-thud

headed home, the mile markers count down! 188 miles left in #suckyiowa!

Question: how many times will Travis randomly honk the horn while driving? person who guesses close will get a post card from #suckyiowa!!

hint: we're still seven hours away, and he's done it twice.... again, at compleatly random times! win a post card from #suckyiowa

my husband just bit the stearing wheel of a RENTAL car, yet had to wipe down the remote in the hotel before using it?!? #roadtrip

worst sound ever...kfc worker pushing in all 18 chairs across tile floor! #screech #roadtrip

Travis #planking while driving! #notsafe #hejoinedthefad #roadtrip

what a majority of our trip home looked like. #roadtrip #rainraingoaway #gardenwillbehappy

woohoo home turf! #roadtrip #almosthome

its like having to go through a maze to get from P to D! #roadtrip #rentalcar

goodbye black rocket... you were a great #rentalcar. #roadtrip over! We are #HOME!

My Frist Giveaway... ever!!!

2011-06-29T19:37:00.000-07:00

So, I've been blogging for several years, and never have had a giveaway. I guess, partly because I didn't know how to even host one, nor did I know what to giveaway.

One of the problems was solved when I was selected to review a great digital scrapbooking product, Polaroid's My Memories Suite. It was easy for me to do, because I've been using the product for a while now and I LOVE IT! It's what we used for our "Family Essay" we needed to do for our agency, as well as our profile book. Click here to see the picture essay.

I've not ever, ever done anything with digital scrapbooking. As we started the adoption process, I knew we would have to do a profile, eventually. I became panicked. I had no idea what or how to do it. I know there are several places online that you can pay to get them done, but I wanted it to be part of our process, and I wanted to make sure it truly showed who we were.

I began researching the digital scrapbooking products out there, and I decided the easier the better (because adoption is hard enough, I didn't need software giving me grief either!). Also, since we were spending up the nose for the adoption, price came into play (which is another reason we decided not to pay someone to ours, that and Travis is cheep).

Well, Travis being cheep, and me needing easy helped this whole process narrowed down easy. There was once choice. My Memories Suite. I downloaded the digital scrapbooking product, installed it, and started playing. Wanna see my very first ever project....

Serioulsy... did it in less then 10 minuets (looking back now, there was so much more then I could do, but alas- it was my first time playing with the digital scrapbooking program!!).

Like I said, I ended up using it for the Picture Essay and our Profile book, and other random projects.

I love that you can use random digital scrapbooking kits you can find online (you have to manipulate how you get them in the program files, so it's not completely easy) but My Memories has an huge assortment of kits that are either free or low cost. Eventually, I want to make my own custom header (have you noticed I've made changed around here!), I have the kit picked out and everything!

So, for all of us in the adoption world, if you have a profile to make, or want to update your profile this is an amazing product. Once you make your pages, you can convert them to high resolution jpegs to print.

If you've already been blessed with your little one to take snapshots of, its great for 'quick pages' to send to grandparents or other relatives. That's why I did the baseball one! I sent it to my Mom. I've sent other ones like that of the dogs, or our visit to the zoo or whatever and she prints them out, and keeps them. You can also use the pages to have a scrapbook printed off as a keepsake.

So... for the giveaway! Your very own copy of My Memories Suite!

Here's how to enter! You can have several entries per day, but please make one comment per entry!

Follow my blog (or tell me you are already following!)

visit My Memories Suite website and leave a comment here telling me which kit is your favorite (you can do this once a day)

tweet "I entered @jennadank #mymemoriessuite giveaway! http://lovemarriagewheresthebabycarriage.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-frist-giveaway-ever.html Please RT" then leave me a comment showing me your tweet (you can do this once a day).
I need you to leave a comment with each tweet to enter.

You can also go follow their blog, on facebook, and twitter. They have fun speed scrap challenges, and announce special deals there! (remember, leave a separate comment for each social networking venue you follow!)

do a blog post sending your readers over to the giveaway- SPREAD THE LOVE!!! (just leave a comment with your blog post link)

the giveaway ends on Wednesday, July 6th at midnight. Don't forget- please leave a separate comment for each entry. The winner will be chosen from random.org, and I'll announce it on Thursday July 7th!!!

Cycles

2011-06-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, this had been my infertility blog, that turned into an adoption blog, that turned into our life while we waitied for an adoption blog, but let's get back to the roots...

I think deep down I always knew something was up. I never had normal cycles. Ever. My Mom could time her's to the hour of when it was coming. Not me.
Three weeks.

Five weeks.

Eight weeks.

Four weeks.

I always just got a "surprise... here I am!".

Que infertility and then the very quick PCOS diagnosis.

And then fertility cycles.

And four more miscarriages.

And giving up, grieving, moving on.

Getting back on birth control.

Starting the adoption process.

And then, out of no where a conversation started by my husband about going off birth control. The decision to not 'try' with injections and ultrasounds, but just be hormone free. And see what happens. But knowing our family would grow through the blessing of adoption.

For the first time in my life... I had a 32 day cycle. And then. The next month, another 32 day cycle. What was up?!? I was wondering if it would happen 3 times in a row. Nope... it turned into a 40 something day cycle, and being the crazy person I can sometimes be, I peed on a stick.

Shit.

I mean, I knew it could happen. We weren't doing anything to prevent. I just didn't know... we didn't think. Now what. My bottom bathroom drawer has over 20 of these. Positive tests. I just can't bring myself to throw them away. Weird. yes. YES. Maybe it's my one thing I use to cling to the children that never were. The only proof that for a while, a short moment, they existed.

Now what? I knew what a call to my doctor would cause. A prescription for injections, blood thinners. Come in for Betas. Wait for the news. Repeat beta. Numbers dropping. Stop injections. It was the weekend, and I knew that nothing could be done until Monday. So we just waited. And I thought shit. shit. shit.

I tested again Monday morning. No longer positive. I didn't need to go to the doctor. I had done this often enough. I knew what it meant. Betas were dropping. It was over. My cycle started the next day. And I got further confirmation that I was indeed pregnant.

Do we count it. Do we add another tick mark to the chart under 'losses'. Do we even need to? My history already raises flags, one more isn't going to make it 'worse' or be the tipping point to be referred to a specialist. I'm already long past any 'flags' that needed to be raised.

So, I guess I need to come up with a new phrase in my story. Seven losses.

But still we wait for our adopted child to come home to us. That is where our heart is, though moments (or days, or weeks) are discouraging. We wait.

It has been a month, I just started my next cycle (36 days?), and I'll admit there was some relief. Just a normal, old plain cycle. (I do have an app that shows my 'ovulation and fertal days', and my husband was shunned during those times!). Only a one other person outside our marriage knew I was pregnant, for those two days. I've revealed it to a couple more since then. But as my header says, this is real. It's our story. So it's a chapter that must be written. I started miscarrying a few hours before my sister in laws high school graduation. Not fun. I was in horrible pain, emotionally and physically, angry at my husband for suggesting we stop birth control (though I agreed, my anger was completely misdirected to him at that point), thinking 'oh shit, now what', and dealing with a less then helpful step daughter that afternoon. I'm sure to his family I seemed like a huge b-i-t-c-h. I knew I couldn't get through much conversation without yelling or crying, so I just didn't talk. I zoned out. I wasn't present in the moment. I was trying to protect myself. And them from me. But still, they had no idea... just saw my attitued.

Catching Up.

2011-06-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

Lots of things have happened, in every aspect of our life. Family, church, adoption, emotions.

Our garden has gone from this....

to this....

(yes those are tires... for sweet potato slips... that haven't been so successful, more on that later!)

My parents came into town, and Mom helped me turn these....

Into this for my front porch,

And this between our two car and one car garage.

They now look like this.

And this (not as vivid as real life, it was from my phone and washed out)

We went to see some shows while they were in town

We went shopping at The Landing (and outdoor mall right along the lake)

We "Rode the Ducks"

(seriously... these make the MOST annoying sound... and Trav still blows it at random times, always making me jump!)

The two best looking 'Quakkers' on the boat! :)

My Dad REFUSED to quack... not even once...

I got to drive!

Trav had a 'recruiting' event at a big race

The guys and gals that are waiting to leave for basic training were sworn in. It was amazing, they all came marching out, and the entire grandstand stood silently, and the whooping and hollering after was so supportive.

The cars before the beginning of the final race. We were asked to be 'special fans' and were invited to one of the suites! Holy cow. They were so kind, we had a blast talking with them, and the food was ah-maz-ing!

The suite box looking down on the track!

We each got a big red bag full of stuff! The bottles on the left are a new type of liquid wax.

The Sting

2011-06-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

My parents are in town, and have been....

It's been amazing. They haven't been here this long... well, ever! Unfortunately, there is a motivating factor, my Grandpa was put into a nursing home because he's officially loosing it. He's always lived in this alter world, you never do know what really happened. So, my awesome aunt that lives in Chicago also came down, and we had a blast with her too! We spent the first 3-4 days they were here focusing on Grandpa, getting his needs met, and getting him settled (new socks, clothes, and some 'home like' items like a bed spread). But now that's mostly done, so we had fun!

We've knocked out some projects like getting trellises up in the garden, and a baby shower present done (it's a crafty sort of one...). My Mom and I also figured out the hardware for my my nightstand I built, and are going to get the fabric to line the inside tomorrow.

Today, we had to return Grandpa's slippers for a bigger size. We had to wait because the greater was helping someone else scan stuff for a return. It was all baby stuff. For a little boy. She had a shower and got duplicates of several things.

It reminded me that not to long ago, I was returning things to stores for a little boy too. But for very different reasons.

It stung.

Damn it stung.

My Mom saw my eyes that were brimming with tears, and put her arm around me.

I think about her. They waited 17 years for me. Seventeen years. I've only waited a few, surely I can do it, I can make it. But, I often think, I'm not nearly as strong as my Mom is. She's an amazing woman, and a spectacular Mother.

But still, it stung.

New Blog

2011-06-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

So... this started out as a specifically 'infertility' journey. But there is so much more that goes on in my life. I'm an Air Force wife (which sometimes takes up more space then I would like it to). I'm a daughter (what amazing parents who bytheway are coming to visit in THREE days!). I'm a crafter (it's almost an obsession). I'm also a builder of wood things...

So, I decided to do another blog that is just crafty projects. I'll probably still mention them on here, but only show an 'end' picture. I'll also post updated on our garden there. So.... if that sounds like something you'd like to visit, come on over, and welcome to my 'other home' 5457 Whispering Hills!

And no, that's not my 'real' address. It's a combo of all the places we've lived... to make a unique place we call home!

TV adoption

2011-05-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

So, I'm a little behind on Army Wives, and I've obviously missed a few episodes (and OnDemand only has so many available...)

I left off right as Pamela was getting re-married, and somewhere in the missed episodes the Burton's decided to adopt. The first five minuets it shows them sitting on the couch, doing a video 'profile'. A line that Joan said hit me hard.

"I can't believe the future of our family depends on weather or not we can impress a teenage girl."

Though I do feel like she's a bit off the target by limiting her statement to teenage girls, I think we all know that is a very limited viewpoint. In fact, I think it might be safe to say that a majority of birthmoms are out of high school.

That said, she did say something that hit home.... hard.

Our future family is based on the match book. And I was the one responsible for making the match book. So does that make me the one that will determine our future family? Trust me, I felt that full responsibility as I was doing it.

I used a digital scrapbook program that was very easy to use. Trav could see that I was starting to crack, so he would sit next to me for hours upon hours as I went through pictures, picked backgrounds, added embellishments and text. He helped me pick choices, between pictures, font, stuff like that.

I was so grateful, just to have him sit by me, take a few of the choices that had to be made off my plate, even if they were small ones.

Please tell me I'm not the only one that struggles with the profile book and feeling like you have to sell yourselves to prospective birth parents... and if I have any readers who are birth parents, I'd LOVE to here your perspective!

$.75 happy evening

2011-05-27T21:24:00.001-07:00

The motto of recruiting should be "Welcome to recruiting, say good bye to your federal holidays!". Trav is at a race event all weekend, so tonight I was alone. I spent my time with Bud Wheat, bbq wings, and this amazing ice cream cup, thay was $.75! It's cake batter, and had sprinkles and actual chunks of vanilla cake.

Awesome!

Between the yummy food, good drink, and awesome dessert, it was good. I watched Eat,Pray,Love, but wasn't totally impressed, so I stopped 1/2 way thru, and watched the last couple episodes of The Glades, on demand. I didn't ever see it the first season, but was able to catch up, so I'm ready for season 2.

Joplin, Missouri

2011-05-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

There is a ton of pictures, sorry if it took a long time to load. I'm trying to get pictures to my 'non-facebook' family. W:hen you get to the bottom of this post, click older posts to get to the other half of pictures in the prior post.

One of the parks, and the photo below this one is literally right across the street.

The shower curtain went under/thru the tub enclosure.

The master bedroom was destroyed, but there is still a neat pile of clothes that are folded in the closet.

The front living room. The mattress is from the master bedroom.

The back of the apartment complex

The stairs up to the second story. A motorcycle is jammed under the stairs.

Looking from the first floor across the parking lot.

This was a 2 story apartment complex.

The complex we went to is on the right, the one on the left used to look the exact same.

They were still doing searches at the apartment to the right of the complex

And the ditch between the rail road tracks and the apartments.

One of the grocery store.

Joplin, Missouri

2011-05-23T20:08:00.000-07:00

During our day in Joplin, Travis and I split up. We had to flight mates (the group of recruiters we are 'connected' with) who had damaged/destroyed property. All the tools were in the back of his truck, and I knew I wouldn't be useful hanging up sheets of plywood on the first house. I went to the second location with the other group. It was a second story apartment, but completely destroyed. We went to recover whatever we could.

These are the pictures that Travis took on his trip. The other blog post is pictures I took.

This is a tree that was in the front of their yard

The left side of their house. Most of their windows/doors were blown out. The actual walls were moved away from the foundation.

This is the view out the back of the house, second floor.

The house across the street from them.

This is the bottom half of the treet that is across their driveway.

The house to the right of theirs.

The house to the left of them.

This is looking out their door, (and at my husbands big red truck!)

More destruction on their street.

A tornado siren...

After they helped at the first house, they came to the apartment that I was at all day. The fear was that 1st, anything left overnight would be looted, and 2nd, if there was much more water/storms, it might not be standing/safe the next day. As we were leaving for a second time there was a heavy smell of natural gas. We hurried up, and got what we could.

This is their master bedroom window.

Looking out the left side of the master bedroom window

This is the roof. The red fabric at the bottom was a blanket, the trusses literally lifted up, the blanket was blown under it, and then the trusses came down, trapping it.

Looking out the front of the apartment, there was a whole complex, and now, nothing but rubble.

These were two story apartments...

Looking at the front of the apartment complex. It's on of the only ones that still has the second story intact.

Pray for Joplin

2011-05-23T04:43:00.001-07:00

Friends,

Please pray for Joplin. Some of our filighmates live there. One's house is completely gone. Thank God he was at ALS and his family was out of town staying with family. The other's house is not livable now. The rest of the flight is going down, we are literally about to leave the door with two trucks full of stuff. All of our flight, and thier family, is safe and accounted for, but it's bad on the ground.

Last night we went to bed with 24 confirmed dead, by 5:30am 89 confirmed dead, and that was before the sun rose.

Pray.

And donate to the Red Cross of the Ozarks (general Red Cross I believe).

We are headed there now.

The Event

2011-05-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

My husband and I are blessed to be on the board for a local non-profit organization.

Long story short, the goal is to put shoes on kids. We did it for one Title One school for the 2010-2011 school year, 340 shoes. For 2011-2012 school year, we want to hit all 21 Title One elementary schools.... which is 5,700 students, and $150,000.

So, needless to say, we have a lot of fundraising to do!

This past week, our church celebrated their 75 anniversary, and as part of the week long celebration, they did a 5k to benefit OneSolePurpose. Being on the board apparently means you're on the 5k committee! Trav helped out with the course, and I was put in charge of registrations.

We decided to do a 10k/5k/1mile fun run. We wanted to get enough sponsors to pay for the race and shirts, so that 100% of the registrations went toward shoes. Each pair of shoes cost $26.00, so we had a $26.00 registrations fee, $13.00 for the 1 mile fun run.

We were told that on a first year event, 100 runners would be considered successful. We thought with the church's support (and the members running), we could hit 150. Awesome right! As a pipe dream, we put the number 200 out in the distance, thinking that would be really cool.

We started this whole thing about 8 weeks ago. We did online registration as well as paper forms. Awesome... we could put them in the running stores, on bulletin boards, hand them out at prior weeks races... but that meant that we had to hand enter them. Oh wait, I meant me, that meant I had to hand enter them.

As the event got closer, we had more PR (free radio spots, twitter and facebook push, newspaper article). That brought the registrations up too.

As we walked into the last week, we were near 350 participants. Remember, they told us 100 would be considered a 'good' turnout for a first time race. I took it on, thinking that I'd be dealing with, at most, 200 registrations.

I took off Monday before the race, and worked on entering registrations, adjusting data, assigning bib numbers... that night we had a 'stuffing party' and stuffed 350 goodie bags.

I wasn't planning on working at all last week, but on Tuesday, I subbed for a teacher who I know well, and was sick. That night Trav and I worked together on entering the assigned bib numbers to the people in our online database (I had done it on my excel worksheet).

Wednesday, the teacher was still sick, so I was back. About 10am that morning I found out that the 4 hours of work we had done the night before shouldn't have been done. The timing company didn't know that we had our own bibs, and I didn't know they assigned the numbers. There wasn't anyone 'at fault' there was just a bunch of miscommunication... but in the end, I felt so overwhelmed partly because all the work I had waisted doing that, and partly because I was further behind then I thought. We got things worked out, but the stress was mounting.

We had packet pick up Thursday and Friday all day. We did some more stuffing, organizing, entering of new registrations that were coming in still...

At this point, as far as xanax goes, I'm in full consumption mode. I took my max dosage Wednesday - Friday. What.a.blessing!

Because of all the mix up between the timing company and me earlier in the week, the point of 'organization' that I wanted to be at Thursday before we opened packet pickup didn't happen until about 1:00pm that day. Talk about feeling overwhelmed!

Granted- every day for the 10 days before the race was a midnight or later night for me. Trav goes to bed early for work, so I would quietly crawl into bed, kiss his shoulder, and go to sleep. We spent hardly any time together, and if we did, I had the laptop in my lap, entering data, editing data, answering emails that came in about the event... it was never ending! Oh, and I was still getting up early in the morning. If you know me, you know that I don't do well with very little sleep, and very little sleep was the definition of my last week!

Saturday morning started about 5:00am, with us being at the race site at 5:45am. It was cold. Really cold. We got everything set up, and had planned for it to be more of a carnival type thing with doughnuts, bouncy houses and stuff for the families of the runners. It was to cold to do almost anything. At 8:00am, the 10k and 5k'ers left the property. Our course was very hilly, and we did our best to warn/prepare everyone! The 1 mile fun run started just after that. (ok- bragging point- my step daughter was the first girl to finish it! She ran the whole way!)

Seeing all the runners take off, after all the work, and stress, and sleepless (little sleep?) nights, was truly amazing. All I could think was "we did it".

We had really cool tech shirts for everyone, and check out the overall winners trophies! Last year, the shoes were Converse, it seemed only appropriate!

The three of us before the race

Racers getting ready to go!

Here he comes... his first 10k!

I cried when he came across the finish line.

He walked the 1 mile and raised extra funds.

He was the oldest participant we had, and had the biggest smile on his face.

Long story summed up.

It was an exhausting week.

It was busy, and stressful, and overwhelming at times.

But it was successful.

We had 545 participants.

We raised enough money to buy shoes for two schools.

Amazing.

We were blessed.

By God, by the volunteers, by the generous participants.

It was good.

I'm still tired.

Overwhelmed

2011-05-17T19:53:00.000-07:00

So, bloggy friends, I tried, I really did try to go back and read all your posts. But I'm so overwhelmed, I don't know how to sort through them all, so I'm sorry- really sorry! I'll try to catch up as you each post new ones, so then I can go back read the previous posts. If anything major happened, drop me a line, and I'll search out those posts! I'm working on getting my 'big event' info typed out.... should be on here later tonight!

And it's done

2011-05-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

So, by my obvious absence (last post on MAY 2ND!?!?), something big was going on! I wish that it was something that kept me from sleeping, well... it kinda did, but no, it wasn't a baby.

It was an event.

It was an amazing event.

It was an amazing event that took every waking moment I had.

For the past two weeks.

I'm exhausted, but happy.

I have a ton of post ideas, and even more pictures. Oh, and a bunch of your blog posts to read... sorry!

Y- yo-yo

2011-05-02T09:25:00.000-07:00

A friend told me I'm a yo-yo.

Thinking about it, I'd have to agree.

The fertility treatments were a yo-yo.

The adoption process has been a yo-yo.

Which all lead the the emotional yo-yo.

The biggest swing was back in December,

the high of thinking we were a new family,

to the low of loosing a son.

So yes, catch me on any give day, and you'll never know where I'm at on my personal yo-yo!

X- x-ray

2011-05-02T09:05:00.000-07:00

X-rays. I've had a shit ton.

Five knee surgeries.

Whooping Cough (pertussis).

Motorcycle Accident.

Car t-boned.

Concussions.

At one point, I saw the 'average' amount that a person has in their lives, and at the time, I had had almost double that number at the time, and I was like 19.

What can you do?

W- Wedding

2011-04-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

Since there seems to be a lot of talk about another wedding coming up... I was thinking about my wedding.

I had always dreamed about getting married in my parents back yard. They have a gorgeous yard, with treas, and a huge (like 14 foot tall) rock fountain. Perfect for a spring or summer wedding. Our wedding was just about perfect, just how I imagined. The only difference from my dreams was that instead of being on a warm evening, with summertime blooms all around us, it was in the middle of December, in a heated tent.

Because of the training Travis would have to do for the Air Force, we didn't know when he was leaving, so we moved our original date in late spring to mid-December. Looking back, it was good, because he was gone the original weekend we had picked out.

Seven months to the day after I met him (we started dating a few weeks later), I married him.

I got to get ready in my parents master bedroom suite

(seriously huge- I never knew how lucky they were until I moved in our own houses!)

There was plates of biscochitos (the New Mexico state cookie) and my

Mom's hot cider for the guests to eat before the ceremony

We took our pictures in front of the fireplace in the

living room (the only picture of us with my bouquet).

We signed our marriage certificate next to the pool table I grew up playing on.

After all the guests left, we opened presents in the formal dining room (the took the table out) surrounded by our family that had come in from the wedding (and obviously next to my parents Christmas tree!)

I would not have changed anything! (well maybe more pictures with my bouquet!)

please tell me I'm not the only one who has watched the TLC 'Royal Wedding' shows, and the lifetime movie "Will and Kate" and is pissed because they have to work Friday morning.... I laugh at myself! I figure one day I'll have a little girl ask if I remember when the King got married, and will be able to say yes! Thank goodness for DVR!

V- Valentines Day

2011-04-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

Valentines day. I HATE it. I always have. My husband doesn't completely get it. After going all out our first one together... I told him never to do it again.

He didn't understand. I would forever have a valentine in him.

Ya, still not loving it.

I don't know why, but I'm sure I will forever dislike this day. I'm weird. I know.

Never saw this movie- but I'm sure that I would love it!

U- Unbelievable

2011-04-28T13:35:00.000-07:00

I look back over the past (almost) seven years, and think of how unbelievable they have been.

From the best of times to the worst of times.

It's unbelievable that we have been married six years.

It's unbelievable that we came thisclose to having our dream come true.

It's unbelievable that four months later, we are exactly where we started. Just the two of us. With a whole heap of heartbreak.

It's unbelievable the FRIENDSHIPS that have grown, and the FRIENDS who have supported us.

T- Testing

2011-04-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

Testing. We've all done it. Both the peeing on a stick, as well as a needle to your arm testing.

In 2008, when we lost our 'big' pregnancy, they wanted to do all sorts of testing. It was our second loss but my fourth miscarriage. Apparently that raises all the red flags! I was really emotional, and not thinking straight (lets face it, beyond trying to figure out how much vodka I'd need to get me through the weekend I was pretty useless!). I really, really didn't want to go through all the testing. Travis made a good point: Because of the recent loss, our insurance would pay for ALL the testing. Anything the doctor ordered. Zero Co-pay. What he didn't understand at the time is that it's not the money, or really even the process of getting poked or prodded (since all the testing was done on ME).

It's so emotional.

What if they find something. What if they don't.

In my case they did. The D&C caused scaring, and so I went in to get that taken care of. After two more losses with a new RE, he ordered more testing.

MTHFR.

Great... so after doing 12 days of FSH, I got a day off and then started to inject blood thinners.

But wait, that didn't work. I sill miscarried.

So what's the point of the testing. We still know nothing, though we've tried to solve several things.

After our failed match, we got to talking. About more testing. Wondering what else there could be. It took some time, but I gave in. I made an appointment. My doctor knows we're not going to be doing the ultrasounds, the injections, the cycle day blood work. But we're also not going to prevent. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not sure that I want to have to get to the point of pulling out a stick to pee on it again. I have a whole bottom drawer of my bathroom full of positive tests.

I can't seem to throw them away.

They are reminders that occasionally, if only for a few days, my body was doing what it was meant to do.

But, it also reminds me that no matter how many positive tests I have stored away, none of them led me to a baby in my arms.

Bust a Myth

2011-04-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

This week starts National Infertility Awareness week. Resolve.org asking us to help bust a myth.

Infertility is a disease. Just like heart disease or lung disease.

It has a group of medical codes all it's own. I've taken this list from a fellow blogger, A little Blog about Big Infertility! She had several of the same as me.

634) Spontaneous abortion (i/e miscarriage)

(640.0) Threatened abortion
(646.3) Habitual aborter
(649.5) Spotting complicating pregnancy
773.0- Rh- (Rh factor incompatibility
628.9- Infertility female of unspecified origin
256.6- PCOS
(256) Ovarian dysfunction

I also need to add endometriosis, as well as MTHFR.

It's a list that defines me, and my inability to have a child.

S- Strawberry

2011-04-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

I love strawberries. But only the real thing. Anything flavored like ice cream, soda, lip gloss- yuck!

I've eaten a whole quart just today....

R- Rain

2011-04-25T12:32:00.000-07:00

Rain Rain, go away!!!

Seriously, we've not had more then 5 hours of clear sky since Friday!!! However, on this rainy Monday, it's been nice to be cozy at home hearing the rumbling thunder.

Q- Queen

2011-04-25T12:30:00.000-07:00

I'm so blessed that I married a man who treats me like a queen!

Got Love, Been Married, now where the hell's the baby carriage

At the dentist

Kept busy

Pediatric Urgent Care

Saturday Morning

25 Ounces

Hard day

Updates!

Doctor's follow-up to ER

ER Visit

Formula Change

Year in Review

One Year Ago

How It's Changed

Vacation Time

Snow!

An Award

First Snow

Thanksgiving

Three Years

Backed up

The rest of the story

Adoption Interview Project

Phone Pictures

Cutest Pumpkin Around

almost midnight

Remembering

Cloth Diapering

Cloth Diapering

Pumpkin Patch!

sorta caught up

First Letter

Back's a Crackin'

So tired!

changes

love

Whirlwind

Isaac William

Drama!

Back to School

In Plain Sight

Again...

Home Study Thoughts *Updated with answers*

Our Garden

I'm sorry

Giveaway results

Road Trip!!!

My Frist Giveaway... ever!!!

Cycles

Catching Up.

The Sting

New Blog

TV adoption

$.75 happy evening

Joplin, Missouri

Joplin, Missouri

Pray for Joplin

The Event

Overwhelmed

And it's done

Y- yo-yo

X- x-ray

W- Wedding

V- Valentines Day

U- Unbelievable

T- Testing

Bust a Myth

S- Strawberry

R- Rain

Q- Queen

Home Study Thoughts Updated with answers